Death and grieving how are you doing?

Tomorrow is 11 years since my twin sister passed away from MBC at almost 46 years old. I cried every day the first year and then gradually tried to remember her before cancer entered our lives.The first five years were the hardest, but year ten (last year) was also difficult. This year has been better, but I still am upset that she missed so many years of her life. I am sorry for your loss, but glad that you have been proactive with your health.

Thank you, I remember when a politician in Europe lost his twin brother in a plane crash, they said losing a twin was like losing a spouse. It is difficult to fathom that she missed out on half her life and her son has now lived longer without her then with her. Unfortunately, my dreams have been few, but yes, Meow, she was healthy and happy. I have to think of that as a sign and carry on positively. None of our loved ones would want us to be sad forever, but these anniversaries can be tough.

Dear Peregrinelady,

I read your post and wanted to reach out because my sister was my “Irish Twin", ten months younger than me. We slept in the same bed till I was 11, did everything together, had the same friends, the same interests, the same values. For her, the first five years were very hard because of the severe mental adjustment of the diagnosis, the traumatic treatments, especially for someone who all her life had been terrified of needles, the feeling she had of being behind a mask that looked like her old self but had nothing to do with the different, frightened, injured person inside with chemo brain that stole even the potential consolation of feeling good about work. And tamoxifen made her depressed and tired. When the cancer came back after five years and she got off tamoxifen and also stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop since it already had, her life improved in a way. She wasn't depressed anymore and the new treatments weren't as bad as the old treatments. We did so many fun things together, travelled to the Galapagos, Santorini, Turks and Caicos, spent time hanging out at her place and my place. She cheered on my daughter, made my husband laugh, was the beloved goddess to my shichon, and somehow made all our lives better while going through so much herself. The last year was hard for her due to dexamethasone side effects but we spent time together time, travelled together, prayed together. Her humour, her courage, her faith, her positivity, her selflessness, her amazing calm, warm vibe were things she always had but which grew throughout her illness and made us see that some people really can make good come of bad things. Spending time with her was a salve for the soul. I know this sounds screwed up because she was the one suffering the most, and yet her presence consoled the people who came to console her. I really can’t do justice to her with words but I miss her so much

Dear Aussie,

Thank you so much for your kind post. I am so sorry about your sister. 19 months is not enough time. Stupidly, even 11 years can be not enough time if you're greedy . You are right in everything you said. We were lucky to have the time together but I somehow wasn't prepared for the suffering and the loss and I am still trying to get past it. I send you hugs too.

I empathize with you both. What a beautiful tribute to your sister, Irish Twin. The time you spent together will give you valuable memories for the rest of your life. Aussie, I hope you can start to heal in your own time. The grieving process is tough, but I do wish that I had allowed myself time to grieve. After watching my sister go through treatment for almost 4 years, I was ready to forget about cancer. When I was diagnosed, it brought up the trauma of her death (from chemo) that I had not dealt with years before. I had major PTSD. Sadly, Irish Twin, I just noticed that our sisters passed away on the same day in May (the 6th)

I know how you guys feel. I lost my only sister this past August to metastatic breast cancer. OMG she suffered so. The cancer came back 3X from 2012 and the last time it took her life. I am heartbroken and devastated too. It’s bad enough to have BC but for her to suffer so much makes it even worse.

I’m still in the state of shock and denial. Maybe one day...

Diane

You can’t replace a sister. 😥

Thank you everyone. One day at a time. Thanksgiving is coming up and she and my BIL always came her for the holiday. She and I went shopping too. At some point my brothers and I have to help settle her estate. She was very specific in her will. My BIL isn’t ready to do that yet.

I have a number of pictures of she and I and the family framed on my dresser. In some subliminal way it makes me feel like she is still here.

Diane

Thank you Aussie. Tomorrow she would have been married 40 years.

Diane

It's good to hear from you again, IrishTwin. I'm sorry that you're still struggling to cope but it's understandable and I believe it will get easier with time, provided you have some good support. I'm sending you hugs and kind thoughts. Please be kind to yourself and do things for yourself that help.

I also still find life difficult for many reasons, not just losing my twin sister.

It is so surreal that I saw this post today. I had a dream with my twin sister in it last night and that has not happened in years. I was so happy to see her. She had a bald head and was wearing scrubs, but looked healthy and was smiling. I was ecstatic to see her and touched her leg to see if she was really there. The thought went through my mind that she had been gone somewhere all this time and had just returned. I was so happy and actually said in the dream, “she’s back!” Then she faded away and I woke up. I am sad but also elated that I saw her. It felt that real.

Irish twin, I am sorry that you are still suffering. Please remember that your sister would not want you to be unhappy and is there for you in spirit. It sounds silly as I am not a religious person, but sometimes I would look up at the sky and talk to Susan. It made me feel better. Also, please make sure you are taking care of your health. Grief can sometimes cause us to neglect ourselves. Thinking of all of you ladies and thanks for listening.