Death and grieving how are you doing?

thatsvanity

It has been almost nine years since my sister died of breast cancer. I don’t cry everyday anymore. I miss her and think of her everyday. If I listen to music the grief is fresh and new or when I’m alone

Peregrinelady

Tomorrow is 11 years since my twin sister passed away from MBC at almost 46 years old. I cried every day the first year and then gradually tried to remember her before cancer entered our lives.The first five years were the hardest, but year ten (last year) was also difficult. This year has been better, but I still am upset that she missed so many years of her life. I am sorry for your loss, but glad that you have been proactive with your health.

Meow13

Do you have dreams where they appear and are not sick? I do every so often I always am so happy when I talk to them.

thatsvanity

meow13 I haven’t had a lot of dreams but the dreams I’ve had she lets me know that she is okay. Maybe now that I can talk about her without sobbing, I may have more dreams. I hope so!

thatsvanity

Peregrinelady,

I am extremely sorry for the loss of your twin sister. Losing a close sibling is such intense pain and grief. A hospice nurse and writer asked me, “Who will be there for you when you die?” I said, “I don’t know.” She answered, “your sister will be there for you.” I believe we will be with our loved ones again. When she was transitioning she believed she was going on a trip. Death isn’t an ending it’s another beginning

Peregrinelady

Thank you, I remember when a politician in Europe lost his twin brother in a plane crash, they said losing a twin was like losing a spouse. It is difficult to fathom that she missed out on half her life and her son has now lived longer without her then with her. Unfortunately, my dreams have been few, but yes, Meow, she was healthy and happy. I have to think of that as a sign and carry on positively. None of our loved ones would want us to be sad forever, but these anniversaries can be tough.

IrishTwin

I wish there was a forum for this issue. I am so sad. My sister passed away May 6, which I just noticed is the day of your post, after an 11 year battle with advanced cancer and I still miss her so much. I stayed positive as much as I could that whole time, and so did she although I knew she was struggling with fear and sadness as well as pain and fatigue and loss of taste and loss of hair and all the other medical miseries. We would play Boggle in bed together, and hang out and chat, and distract each other. Even though she had so much to handle, shealways encouraged me because I was looking after my parents with dementia and she knew I was burned out, and I just wish I could still talk to her and lie next to her and say prayers with her and hold her hand.

IrishTwin

Dear Peregrinelady,

I read your post and wanted to reach out because my sister was my “Irish Twin", ten months younger than me. We slept in the same bed till I was 11, did everything together, had the same friends, the same interests, the same values. For her, the first five years were very hard because of the severe mental adjustment of the diagnosis, the traumatic treatments, especially for someone who all her life had been terrified of needles, the feeling she had of being behind a mask that looked like her old self but had nothing to do with the different, frightened, injured person inside with chemo brain that stole even the potential consolation of feeling good about work. And tamoxifen made her depressed and tired. When the cancer came back after five years and she got off tamoxifen and also stopped waiting for the other shoe to drop since it already had, her life improved in a way. She wasn't depressed anymore and the new treatments weren't as bad as the old treatments. We did so many fun things together, travelled to the Galapagos, Santorini, Turks and Caicos, spent time hanging out at her place and my place. She cheered on my daughter, made my husband laugh, was the beloved goddess to my shichon, and somehow made all our lives better while going through so much herself. The last year was hard for her due to dexamethasone side effects but we spent time together time, travelled together, prayed together. Her humour, her courage, her faith, her positivity, her selflessness, her amazing calm, warm vibe were things she always had but which grew throughout her illness and made us see that some people really can make good come of bad things. Spending time with her was a salve for the soul. I know this sounds screwed up because she was the one suffering the most, and yet her presence consoled the people who came to console her. I really can’t do justice to her with words but I miss her so much

Aussie-Cat

IrishTwin, I'm sorry that you lost your sister and you miss her so much. It's great that you got to spend so much time with her doing enjoyable things but it must have been so hard to see her suffer and then lose her. Sending you hugs.

I lost my identical twin sister on May 23rd after she was diagnosed with metastatic breast cancer only 19 months earlier. It's still so hard for me to process her suffering and all the loose ends that weren't tied up.

IrishTwin

Dear Aussie,

Thank you so much for your kind post. I am so sorry about your sister. 19 months is not enough time. Stupidly, even 11 years can be not enough time if you're greedy . You are right in everything you said. We were lucky to have the time together but I somehow wasn't prepared for the suffering and the loss and I am still trying to get past it. I send you hugs too.

Aussie-Cat

IrishTwin, you're very welcome and thank you for your sympathy. Please don't feel greedy for wanting more time with your sister. It's hard to let loved ones go no matter how much time you have together. It's understandable that you weren't prepared for the suffering and the loss because things like that are so unpredictable and no one would know how to prepare for it, especially when you couldn't know what was coming. Please be kind to yourself because dealing with these things is so hard and you never totally "get past it". We can still have meaningful lives but there will always be that sister gap. Thanks for the hugs too!

Peregrinelady

I empathize with you both. What a beautiful tribute to your sister, Irish Twin. The time you spent together will give you valuable memories for the rest of your life. Aussie, I hope you can start to heal in your own time. The grieving process is tough, but I do wish that I had allowed myself time to grieve. After watching my sister go through treatment for almost 4 years, I was ready to forget about cancer. When I was diagnosed, it brought up the trauma of her death (from chemo) that I had not dealt with years before. I had major PTSD. Sadly, Irish Twin, I just noticed that our sisters passed away on the same day in May (the 6th)

Aussie-Cat

Peregrinelady, thanks. I'm sorry that you had major PTSD but I understand that it's traumatic to watch someone you love go through cancer treatment and lose the battle and then to get cancer yourself as well. There are so many traumatic aspects to cancer and loss, so it's good that we can support each other.

edwards750

I know how you guys feel. I lost my only sister this past August to metastatic breast cancer. OMG she suffered so. The cancer came back 3X from 2012 and the last time it took her life. I am heartbroken and devastated too. It’s bad enough to have BC but for her to suffer so much makes it even worse.

I’m still in the state of shock and denial. Maybe one day...

Diane

farmerlucy

I’m sorry Diane. I didn’t realize you lost your sister. You’ve mentioned her so often in your posts. I know you guys were very close. I’m sorry. Hugs.

Peregrinelady

You can’t replace a sister. 😥

Aussie-Cat

I'm so sorry, Diane!!

edwards750

Thank you everyone. One day at a time. Thanksgiving is coming up and she and my BIL always came her for the holiday. She and I went shopping too. At some point my brothers and I have to help settle her estate. She was very specific in her will. My BIL isn’t ready to do that yet.

I have a number of pictures of she and I and the family framed on my dresser. In some subliminal way it makes me feel like she is still here.

Diane

Aussie-Cat

Diane, I know Thanksgiving will be difficult for you and your BIL but I hope you get through it as well as possible. I understand that having a picture there helps. I have one of my twin sister in our lounge room and it helps. Sending you hugs.

edwards750

Thank you Aussie. Tomorrow she would have been married 40 years.

Diane

IrishTwin

Dear PeregrineLady, Aussie and Diane,

I got up my nerve briefly to come back to this site to check in. I ended up having to take a leave from work at the start of November because I just couldn't function anymore. I am back at work now, although coping pretty badly, but I am trying to shake it off. Hopefully spring coming will help me. I feel for you guys and hope you are doing OK. Thank you for your kind words and support when I needed it most.

Aussie-Cat

It's good to hear from you again, IrishTwin. I'm sorry that you're still struggling to cope but it's understandable and I believe it will get easier with time, provided you have some good support. I'm sending you hugs and kind thoughts. Please be kind to yourself and do things for yourself that help.

I also still find life difficult for many reasons, not just losing my twin sister.

edwards750

I still find myself in denial about losing my sister. It is beyond surreal. Now with the health issues in our country I’m almost grateful she doesn’t have to go through this too. Her immune system was compromised. Still my heart aches every day for her. I miss her so.

Diane

Peregrinelady

It is so surreal that I saw this post today. I had a dream with my twin sister in it last night and that has not happened in years. I was so happy to see her. She had a bald head and was wearing scrubs, but looked healthy and was smiling. I was ecstatic to see her and touched her leg to see if she was really there. The thought went through my mind that she had been gone somewhere all this time and had just returned. I was so happy and actually said in the dream, “she’s back!” Then she faded away and I woke up. I am sad but also elated that I saw her. It felt that real.

Irish twin, I am sorry that you are still suffering. Please remember that your sister would not want you to be unhappy and is there for you in spirit. It sounds silly as I am not a religious person, but sometimes I would look up at the sky and talk to Susan. It made me feel better. Also, please make sure you are taking care of your health. Grief can sometimes cause us to neglect ourselves. Thinking of all of you ladies and thanks for listening.

MGAMMP5

It has been 23 years since my mom passed away from BC at age 49. I was 27 and had a 7 month old. I come on this site around this time of year when I have to have my annual screening Mammogram. I have so much anxiety and trauma associated with her cancer and death. I am an only child so Itook care of my mom and took her to treatments and appointments while my dad worked. I wouldn’t have had it any other way. I have no regrets in her caregiving but it has left many scars. I have had genetic testing and prepare myself for the worse case scenario with each screening and call back. My prayers for all those fighting the Beast and the one’s that fight along with them💖