Scans tomorrow

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finallyoverit
finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
edited April 2019 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

By now, I should be used to them... especially since they will be a part of the rest of my life, but I’m not. I have been stable for almost 2 years and there is no reason to believe that anything has changed, but I’m feeling the anxiety creep up again. We all know that other shoe can drop at any time.

I hate scans, I hate that they are a part of my life, I hate the anxiety that comes along with them.. but most of all, I freaking hate cancer!

Anyone free tomorrow and want to hop in my pocket? I could surely use the support.

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited April 2019

    Bless you my child. May it all go well. . .

    ['m not at all religious and no offense meant to anyone but it seemed the right thing to say. If you have no symptoms it seems likely you'll be fine but I get the anxiety. Everyone has it. Even those who say they don't. I try to schedule mine for a time when the sneak up on me.]


    P.S. edited to add that you're probably older than I am. Guess I'm just irreverent this evening.

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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited April 2019

    Thanks,Pajim. I’m 44

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  • Lynnwood1960
    Lynnwood1960 Member Posts: 1,284
    edited April 2019
    Totally get it!! I’m having a pet scan on Wednesday and have been in full blown scanxiety since the weekend. I think that we never get used to them. When your whole life teeters on what they show, who wouldn’t be a wreck??!! To me, scans are the worst part of my treatment, I’ll take side effects any day over the damn scan. I’ll hop in your pocket! Hang in there! Someone on a Facebook group I’m in said to just keep telling yourself that it’s only information, I’m gonna try this as my heart is pounding on that cold narrow table.
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  • jensgotthis
    jensgotthis Member Posts: 937
    edited April 2019

    I like that perspective that it’s just information. I’m going to hold onto that when I line up for scans in a couple of months.

    A person in my meditation group reminded me of a scene in a Tom Hanks movie (Bridge of Spies) when a character is about to be forced to cross a bridge to the bad guys. Tom’s character asks “You’re not worried? and the man replies “Would it help?” Somehow that has stuck with me.

    Good luck with your scans. I’ll be with you both in your pockets

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  • Lynnwood1960
    Lynnwood1960 Member Posts: 1,284
    edited April 2019
    Thanks Jen! That’s a good one too! I’m for anything that helps, I run them all through my head while scanning, as well as praying.
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  • LoveFromPhilly
    LoveFromPhilly Member Posts: 1,308
    edited April 2019

    yes yes about the gathering information!! It helps me!!! And I’m still a wreck with scans. I thought last time I was cool and then ended up running to the bathroom with nervous diarrhea right before the scan...then I realize I’m foolin myself and then I buckle down and take a Valium. Helps so much!! I wish my mind were stronger to be able to deal with them but it just ain’t. I simply cannot handle the anxiety. It’s quite rough on my mind and body - and if I’m trying to cut back on stress, this is def one I’m happy to cut back on!

    When waiting for the results and scans, I can tell myself I am fine but truly I am not fine in my head - I’m losing it inside! BUT yes telling myself that it’s an information gathering stage somehow does really help. That and also now the experience of realizing that sometimes scan results are incorrect so Not to get too worked up about any one thing until all that info is gathered up by my MO and then discussed with his Onco board of docs and then brought back to me. Hard not to freak out during this time...

    Another thing that helps me is that (and I don’t know if this is accurate but it feels this way in my brain) I try to remember that nothing bananas is going to happen overnight. This is a slow process and needs lots of angles covered - because cancer is so very multifaceted. There will be some breathing room for making choices and decisions if necessary.

    Big hugs abound!!!

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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited April 2019

    Thanks everyone.. I appreciate the support. I will try to remember some of those today as I’m being stuck with the IV and laying on those hard tables. The social worker at my BC many moons ago now told me once, “you don’t have to be brave.. you just have to show up.” So that’s me today.. just showing up.

    I’ll see my MO next week for results. He’ll put them in my portal, but honestly I’m too scared to look, so I wait for my visit with him.

    Extra hugs all around.. especially those who are facing scan hell

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  • Lynnwood1960
    Lynnwood1960 Member Posts: 1,284
    edited April 2019
    I was very upfront with my onc and told her that the scans give me extreme anxiety. She calls me as soon as she gets the results, once only 2 hours after my scan. I do appreciate that. I also told her to NEVER call and ask me to come in to discuss the results. I’m a big girl and can handle bad news over the phone and then I will come in and we can talk if it’s necessary. Philly, you described exactly how I feel! I like your thinking too that cancer is not an emergency, we have time to digest and plan.
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  • candy-678
    candy-678 Member Posts: 3,950
    edited April 2019

    Finally-  Just now reading your post.  I am in your pocket.  My scan is coming up in a couple of weeks--waiting on insurance to ok it then will set a date.  I am anxious because my last scan 3 months ago showed a questionable new area on the liver and we will recheck that this time.  Also I am on cycle 16 of Ibrance and I know the median PFS is 24---some sooner, some later.  Which will I be???  I like your quote--" you don't have to be brave, you just have to show up".  Deep breath and go.  

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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited April 2019

    Thanks everyone... it’s crazy, I think my anxiety is more about the stupid IV than the scans. That part is all done now.. I’ve had the IV and my CT.. now is the wait to have the bone scan. I have 3 hours to wait. <sigh >. At least the hard part is done. They can only use my left hand/arm (had lymph nodes removed from the right, so I don’t let them use that side). My veins are getting pretty beat up.. I’m scared that we will get to a point where they have to use my right side.. I really don’t want to invite lymphedema to this party.

    I was far from brave.. but I did show up. That’s something, right

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited April 2019

    I AM older than you. But not by much.

    You have to wait A WEEK for the results??!!!??? That would cause me enormous amounts of stress.

    I get mine the next day. Maybe two days later if I have them late in the day. My onc always e-mails me with the results, unless they're really bad. Then he calls me.

    I hope it's all over now. And that you properly showed up. Big hugs and a chocolate chip cookie.

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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited April 2019

    Thanks, pajim. My MO will have the results tomorrow. He usually puts them in my portal after he’s looked, but I don’t open them. I see him next week and I will wait for that to know . Surprisingly, that part bothers me the least. I get to live a whole week floating down “de nial “. I’m really not in denial.. the week waiting for results is actually pretty peaceful for me.

    I just returned to the center for my bone scan.. 15 min and I’ll be on that hard, skinny table with the Velcro wrap. Does everyone else get that? It’s kinds nice.. helps to hold my arms in so the don’t get jammed on the machine.

    Still not feeling brave.. but I’m here.

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  • LoveFromPhilly
    LoveFromPhilly Member Posts: 1,308
    edited April 2019

    oh yes! The bone scan is the least freaky for me. I ask for two warmed blankets, put on a podcast on my iPhone, and watch the screen fill in the little fuzzy parts of my skeleton. You’re almost done! I usually treat myself to a comforting meal after all is said and done, drink tons of water and then go pass out

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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited April 2019

    My MO just pushed my CT results to my portal and I was brave enough to look.. all stable. Still waiting to see bone scan results, but feeling more optimistic.

    Thank you for the support ladies.. unless you are in these shoes, you really just don’t understand

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited April 2019

    Wheee!!!!! Congratulations! Never a doubt, LOL.

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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited April 2019

    Thanks, pajim! I looked at my bone scan results last night too.. all stable. I’m not sure why I looked.. I usually don’t. I wasn’t feeling anxious at all. The email came through that I had a new test result in my portal and I felt pretty calm about looking. Now I can have a great weekend and walk into my MO’s office next week feeling great.

    I think part of the anxiety was just 2 weeks ago a friend with primary bladder cancer that had spread to her spine passed away. She struggled a lot at the end with the pain. I could truly see myself in her shoes and it terrified me as my Mets are in my spine too <sigh> I’m glad she is no longer in pain but I wonder if that will be me in the years to come. But alas, I can’t control that so I’m going to push the thought aside and deal with it when/if it comes. Now I’m going to enjoy the great scans.

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  • candy-678
    candy-678 Member Posts: 3,950
    edited April 2019

    Woohoo Finallyoverit.  I am still waiting on insurance approval to schedule my CT.  Glad we are here for eachother---we really do get it. 

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited April 2019

    Oh dear. I'm so sorry for your loss. But you know by now that we are all different. And we'll have different lives and different deaths.

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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited April 2019

    I saw my MO today.. he was absolutely THRILLED with my results. He told me he was so happy and excited when he saw them that he broke out into a cold sweat. They’ve been the exact same for 2 years now (well, almost 2 years).

    I am so thankful for the great results. I don’t take a second of it for granted as I know how quickly things can change.. but for now, things are good and I’m living life to the fullest. If something changes down the road, I’ll deal with it then.

    I don’t see my MO until June.. free woman until then! So incredibly grateful

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  • B-A-P
    B-A-P Member Posts: 525
    edited April 2019

    woot woot!! Fabulous!

    I have a scan in 2.5 weeks. My first since finishing chemo in January. Though my scan at round 4 was basically clear. But this is the one that will tell me if I can get back to my life ( well, after 3 weeks of rads) . I have to wait 2 weeks though for results . Usually it's not that long but my MO booked the appointment for 2 weeks after. *sigh* If I'm lucky my Family dr will have the results within the week and I can see him to tide me over. Who knows. It would be nice if we had a system where we could check results online like you! I wouldn't be able to not look , lol but thats just me.

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  • finallyoverit
    finallyoverit Member Posts: 382
    edited April 2019

    BAP- will be thinking of you with your upcoming scans. My appt was scheduled a week after my tests. Normally I don’t look and it really doesn’t bother me. I tell my MO that looking at them is “his job”.. lol.. mine is to keep living my life. For whatever reason, I did look this time. I was happy with them.. but he was absolutely thrilled. He’s so sweet. He told me that he deals with so much bad news that he loves when he gets good stuff to celebrate. He told me I was the bright spot of his day. Said I was a shining example of what it means to be living well, even when dealing with stage iv cancer. I tell him all the time that I definitely have my days when I’m not feeling it.. but for the most part, I just carry on. As I told him today, cancer might not be the thing that ultimately takes me out.. it could be any number of things. So, I’m going to live the best life I can until I get other info or symptoms that make me change. This disease is not easy to deal with, at any stage, but I’ll be damned if I let it control my entire life. F th

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  • Micmel
    Micmel Member Posts: 9,450
    edited April 2019

    absolutely will be pocket attending. With snacks! Will try to keep it down. Sending hugs

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