Grandmothers, would you move to be near your grandchildren?

I am not a grandmother yet, but I can think of at least two friends and their husbands that have moved close to their grandchildren and it has been a good experience. They get to be part of their children's family life and also gain the support of their children as they age. And it is great for the grandchildren to have a close relationship with their grandparents.

littlemelons, DH and I moved half way across the country to be closer to grandchildren. We were about a 3 1/2 day drive from them and now are 3 1/2 hours. That move was just over 7 years ago and we were both in our 70s (our PCP does say we are young for our age). It's been good to be close enough to go visit, or to help out when needed. Had them all here for Christmas this year which would not have happened if we had not moved.

Yes, we would do it again.

I would move closer but not extremely close. You both need your space. I have six granddaughters ages 9 - 1 mo. Two are 10 hours away, one is 30 minutes away, three are within four miles. We see the one that is a half hour away about as often as we see the ten hours away ones. I agree to help with the kids, but I won’t be the substitute day care provider. I have my interests and my life. DH and I have very flexible schedules and we often pick the older ones up from school. We also can fill in if a child is sick and mom and dad have to go to work.

Our daughter and her husband are expecting their first in March. They rent the main house at our farm from us and help manage our Air BnB cottage. DH refuses to move to the farm, so we still live in town and I “play” at the farm everyday.

You could even try renting to see how you like the area while keeping your current home. We built a guesthouse at the farm for when the ten hour away kids come home and on a whim put it up for rent on AirBnb. Surprisingly it has done really well, and should pay for itself within a decade.

as a grandma of two, and hopefully, more to come....i sometimes think about living closer to my children and grandchildren...but the reality is my children live in three time zones and it looks like none will ever live in the same city....luckily, my daughter and her family live 20 minutes from my home. That said, my widowed mother lived a thousand miles away from me and my brother during our children's formitive years. And, she lived ten minutes from my sister and her family...

Looking back, i have no regrets...nor did mom. And in my heart of hearts, I think she was closest with my brood. For sure, she adored my daughter more than the rest.... They were extremely close despite the distance....

And....because I didn’t have family help (mom living far away, in-laws infirmed and needing their son’s and my help), it seems the DH and I grew closer because of, and, in spite of our experience....

I love helping my daughter and being a close part of her family’s life, BUT, at the end of the day, I think she and her DH will grow stronger by not depending on the DH and me. And, while the DH and I are well, I think we owe it to each other to persue the things we love doing that we couldn’t do during our kids’ formative years...

Finally...when mom grew frail, my brother, sister and I knew it was time for her to move closer to me and my brother. My daughter and niece couldn’t have been happier, nor could my mother. The bond between grandparents and their grandchildren can never be measured by distance. A few weeks ago, mom slipped away, surrounded by many of her grandchildren,,,,and those grandchildren who couldn’t be with her at the end...in thr weeks before....ALL made it their business to GET TO HER SIDE!.

I pray that I will be as richly loved by my own grandchildren....Is it too much to dream that they will, one day, run to our side?

By all means, try to talk to the DH...but also try to dig deep inside yourself and have a conversation with yourself.....be honest with yourself....you might surprise yourself....

Good luck

Certainly no easy answers here and every family situation is different with many considerations. I will say my DH and I have thoroughly enjoyed becoming grandparents- DH every bit as much as me. Honestly he was a great dad ( and still is) but was willing to step in and do more with grandkids. We have two grandkids in town and that is all we will have. Perfect for us! We love being involved in their lives

My parents lived in Florida most of the time my son and my sister's kids were young, and we were all in the Midwest. They had a house about an hour from us for some of those years, but they still wintered in Florida. It was fun going to visit them for vacation but not be tied to a visit schedule otherwise. I remember growing up, we had to go to my grandparents' house every Sunday. I loved them, and they had a cool farm, but we were never allowed to make other plans. I don't think it was even their idea, or my Dad's (their son), but probably Mom, who felt it was something we should do, and once she decided something, it was a rule for life. So whatever you decide, leave some flexibility for EVERYONE involved. To me, an hour's distance is perfect, close enough to visit but not be on top of each other. And nowadays with texting, Skype, and social media, distance is much less of a problem for staying close.

One of my main motivations for beating cancer is living to meet my grandchildren! And none have been conceived yet! So I have to make myself last... Mt D is married and 31 so it may be imminent. But I want to meet them all and love them all and my youngest is still in college.

I feel like being a grandmother is the role I was born for. I had incredible grandmothers on both sides and I can't wait to pay that forward. I have been helping a younger friend with her two babies, 8 mos and 2.5.... heavenly. I love the littles. It has been such a rest from cancer treatment to sit on the floor and let a two and a half year old boss me around...... or hover behind a baby as he exerts to pull himself up. It's so in-the-moment and innocent.

LittleMelons - I think your thought process is quite sound. I try very hard to not overstep, especially with the DILs. I try to be available at their request, though I’m sure I do and say things that “bug” them. I think that is just the nature of the relationship. IMHO grandmothers often get more leeway when they are the wife’s mother. Life is so crazy hectic for our kids’ generation. We often stay at a hotel when we visit our ten-hour-away kids even though they have a designated guest “suite”. It allows everyone time away. Oh and back to our Airbnb cottage. We have an engineer who stays there regularly during the week when he has a local job. He just texts us to see if it is available, he lets himself in, then just leaves a check. Many times we don’t even see him. It is his home away from home during the week. If you can find a place like that close to your kids, you can often work out a direct deal with the owners, and that could be “your place” when you visit your kids, without the commitment of owning or even renting.

LittleMelons, your grandmother was a very, very lucky woman, and you were clearly blessed to have her in your life. Of course you long to bring that blessing forward, and, yes, your have already done so in raising your sons. Because of the very sad loss of your mother, it sounds as though your grandmother pretty much stepped into the role of parent, perhaps modelling for you the joy of mothering rather than that of grandparenting. As all four of my grandparents died before I was born, I have little idea of the normal role of grandparent, so I try to fit into the expectations of my boys and DIL's. Like you, I find the girls (women?) are so much closer to their own mothers that it is a bit difficult to have much, well, impact. I really did not appreciate my MIL at all. Looking back, I'd even say I was somewhat unkind. So embarassing to admit!

One of my New York friends had three children, all with kids of their own. One lived in California, one in Kuwait, and the thrd in Australia. You, on the other hand, can go to Grandparents' Day at preschool ( You did go, didn't you?). You can, in an emergency, be at the side of any of those kids and grandkids in only an hour (somewhat longer, of course, with weather and traffic), and your sons can do the same for you. In addition, you are only a cab ride from a big city hospital, most likely the hospital that makes you and your husband feel safe when you think of potential medical issues. You and your husband have your routines, your resources, your entertainment, and taxicabs near at hand. It seems to me that should either of you become frail, you would have a great deal less independence away from the city.

I am concerned that your DIL seems to be playing a bit of keepaway. I know you do not want to hear this, but I cannot help but think moving into her neighborhood at this point might easily lead to heartbreak. Please, please, throw up a couple of trial balloons by either spending more overnights with her, or, every so often, spending a few days (with your husband or alone) in a hotel or B&B. Your husband might well remain adamant about an actual move, but might enjoy a bit of a vaca, while you get to know the area, meet a few people (don't want to be dependent on your kids for socializaiton) and enjoy the best of both worlds. If you take tiny bites over the next year or so, you will have a pretty good idea of whether a move would likely be a good idea.

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My cousin and his wife started baby-sitting their grandchildren about five years ago. Now whenever they want a break to travel (even to see their son and other grandchildren), the daughter and son-in-law get mad at them. It was supposed to be once in a while, then a day a week, then two, and now it's every day. Be careful what you wish for. And don't forget to live your own life, not through someone else. Had you and your husband ever discussed what you both wanted to do when you were retired?

We have three summer weeks at time share near a national park. We stack them all together, have three two bed, two bath units, and invite the whole family for several days. We are around 15 people now. CRAZY city but it is an inexpensive vacation for every one and the cousins get to spent quality time together. We actually never use the whole week either and we put the rest of the days up for rent. My dad always says “After three days fish and relatives start to stink." I'm here to tell you I often feel I need a vacation after our vacation. But the kids love it and we're creating memories.

Alternatively my son's in laws splurge for a week vacation every other yearat awesome destinations. They generally rent a huge house and invited all their kids and their families. This is a good way to do it because you can go to different locations and you don't have the financial expenditure for an entire house.