Grandmothers, would you move to be near your grandchildren?
I have 2 sons, close in age. They married within a year of each other and between them have had a baby every year. Now I have grandchildren aged 5,4,3,2, and 1. Although both sons work not far from our home, real estate is so expensive in our city that they both bought houses about an hour away. My husband and I live in the city, but not close to any other friends or family. One son lives very close to his in-laws who help out a lot with the kids, but the other son and his wife have no one to help them. We try to go there weekly, but I would like to move to their town to be able to help out with the kids and see them all more often. Our son and his wife have encouraged this. When I mention this, my husband flatly says, "I don't want to move" without any discussion. I wonder if he is worried that I will pay more attention to the grandkids than to him. I feel like my wishes are being dismissed. My husband and I are both 70. Any other grandmothers have this dilemma?
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I am not a grandmother yet, but I can think of at least two friends and their husbands that have moved close to their grandchildren and it has been a good experience. They get to be part of their children's family life and also gain the support of their children as they age. And it is great for the grandchildren to have a close relationship with their grandparents.
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Littlemelons- my DH and I are fortunate that our daughter, SIL and two grandkids live in the same town so we haven’t had to make this decision. But we enjoy an incredibly close relationship with our grandkids and if the family had to move we would definitely consider moving to stay near them. Hard to say why your husband doesn’t want to move, there may be valid reasons but you deserve to have an open and honest discussion with him about the possibility of moving. I’m glad we live close to family and right now I’m stable but I would like DH to be near our family if things go badly. I’m so fortunate and happy to have time with grandchildren and yes I would consider moving.
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Thank you Peregrinelady and KatyK for your thoughtful responses. If one thing cancer teaches us, it's that unexpected things can happen and we don't know how long we will be healthy and able to do things. A good friend's husband has just been diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and not given long to live. He is one who has always put off doing things he wanted to do and now may not get the chance. My husband doesn't like change in general, so that may be part of it. I just know that the grandchildren give me great joy when I am with them and want to do it more. Being 70 also makes me think that the time to make a move is very soon.
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I'd move... and I don't even have grandkids yet!! I'd move in a hot minute to be nearby.
If you want a compromise, maybe you can rent a studio apt in the town where they are, or get a "rate" at a hotel, so the commuting is less.
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littlemelons, DH and I moved half way across the country to be closer to grandchildren. We were about a 3 1/2 day drive from them and now are 3 1/2 hours. That move was just over 7 years ago and we were both in our 70s (our PCP does say we are young for our age). It's been good to be close enough to go visit, or to help out when needed. Had them all here for Christmas this year which would not have happened if we had not moved.
Yes, we would do it again.
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LittleMelons, I don't think I would move if I were in your situation. An hour drive is not far by my standards and being in the city is a huge plus to me - maybe to your husband too. Everything is close by and one doesn't need to drive as often as when living in suburbs.
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Santabarbarian - I like your attitude. You will be a wonderful grandmother when the time comes. I like the idea of either a small apt. in the city or maybe even more, a few days in a hotel every month. That way I wouldn't have to cook for a few days lol.
Beaverntx - That's impressive that you and your DH would move halfway across the country in your 70s. Sounds like it was well worth it.
Muska - my husband agrees with you about being in the city. I love the city too. Where my son and his family live has excellent train service to downtown with good parking at the station so it would be quite easy to get into the city, even for a day, so we wouldn't be isolated, although my husband talks like we would be.
I mentioned it again today, and he responded "I don't want to move there' Let's not talk about it." I have been married for 42 years and we are ery compatible overall, but this could develop into an area of conflict.
Thanks so much for your input. It is helping me think it through. Just feel like time is passing...
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My grands are 20 minutes away. My husband wants to move back north to be with HIS family. Away from our daughter, and the kids. I guess we are chopped dog poo or something. They are more important.
I won’t do it. He can go and freeze all winter. Since they are so close by, I can see them whenever babysit when needed enjoy their activities.
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I would move closer but not extremely close. You both need your space. I have six granddaughters ages 9 - 1 mo. Two are 10 hours away, one is 30 minutes away, three are within four miles. We see the one that is a half hour away about as often as we see the ten hours away ones. I agree to help with the kids, but I won’t be the substitute day care provider. I have my interests and my life. DH and I have very flexible schedules and we often pick the older ones up from school. We also can fill in if a child is sick and mom and dad have to go to work.
Our daughter and her husband are expecting their first in March. They rent the main house at our farm from us and help manage our Air BnB cottage. DH refuses to move to the farm, so we still live in town and I “play” at the farm everyday.
You could even try renting to see how you like the area while keeping your current home. We built a guesthouse at the farm for when the ten hour away kids come home and on a whim put it up for rent on AirBnb. Surprisingly it has done really well, and should pay for itself within a decade. -
LM, I have six grandchildren, ages 10, 6,6, 5, 4, 3. I live 25 minutes from my son and his two kids and an hour from my DD and her 4. Sometimes, it seems like quite a commute to my DD's, but we still manage to see each other often. They both ask me to babysit and I am happy to oblige if I'm not busy. We have sleep-overs often and I get to spoil them! I am self-employed and have a somewhat flexible schedule, so it works out well for the most part. I go to their sports and school events, etc., when I can. I also ask them to keep my pup and bird once in a while, so, it works well for all of us. I couldn't imagine not seeing my GK's grow up. I really don't think an hour is too far most of the time. Maybe you could compromise and make it a 20-30 minute distance....? When life happens, our perspectives can change. Your hubby probably isn't looking through the same lens you are...
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as a grandma of two, and hopefully, more to come....i sometimes think about living closer to my children and grandchildren...but the reality is my children live in three time zones and it looks like none will ever live in the same city....luckily, my daughter and her family live 20 minutes from my home. That said, my widowed mother lived a thousand miles away from me and my brother during our children's formitive years. And, she lived ten minutes from my sister and her family...
Looking back, i have no regrets...nor did mom. And in my heart of hearts, I think she was closest with my brood. For sure, she adored my daughter more than the rest.... They were extremely close despite the distance....
And....because I didn’t have family help (mom living far away, in-laws infirmed and needing their son’s and my help), it seems the DH and I grew closer because of, and, in spite of our experience....
I love helping my daughter and being a close part of her family’s life, BUT, at the end of the day, I think she and her DH will grow stronger by not depending on the DH and me. And, while the DH and I are well, I think we owe it to each other to persue the things we love doing that we couldn’t do during our kids’ formative years...
Finally...when mom grew frail, my brother, sister and I knew it was time for her to move closer to me and my brother. My daughter and niece couldn’t have been happier, nor could my mother. The bond between grandparents and their grandchildren can never be measured by distance. A few weeks ago, mom slipped away, surrounded by many of her grandchildren,,,,and those grandchildren who couldn’t be with her at the end...in thr weeks before....ALL made it their business to GET TO HER SIDE!.
I pray that I will be as richly loved by my own grandchildren....Is it too much to dream that they will, one day, run to our side?
By all means, try to talk to the DH...but also try to dig deep inside yourself and have a conversation with yourself.....be honest with yourself....you might surprise yourself....
Good luck
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It does seem that sometimes grandmothers enjoy spending time with the grandchildren more than the grandfathers. That is a generalization, but my DH does comment that I have more patience with the young kids and I am always the one who takes the initiative to arrange time with them. I would be like you, Spookiesmom, and feel that my DD and grandkids are more important. I think the husbands have to be willing to understand our desire to spend time with the grandkids even if they don't want to as much. At least compromise, perhaps split time between 2 locations. I wonder if some marriages break up over this issue.
Farmerlucy, you seem to have ended up with a terrific arrangement. I envy people who can pick up their grandkids from school. Keepthefaith, you have a great arrangement as well with regular sleepovers and babysitting. Part of our problem is that, although the kids live about an hour away, that is an hour when driving conditions are perfect. It is highway driving which can involve bad traffic jams, consturction delays, or poor conditions due to snow, so can take much longer than an hour.
Great to hear your opinions and situations. Thanks!
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Certainly no easy answers here and every family situation is different with many considerations. I will say my DH and I have thoroughly enjoyed becoming grandparents- DH every bit as much as me. Honestly he was a great dad ( and still is) but was willing to step in and do more with grandkids. We have two grandkids in town and that is all we will have. Perfect for us! We love being involved in their lives
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I agree that every family situation is different and no one solution fits all grandparents. I do wonder if there are negative aspects of moving close to the kids/grandkids that I am not considering. Conflicts with the parents perhaps. Maybe I am idealizing the situation. Has anyone had any negative experiences resulting from moving to be close to the grandkids?
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My parents lived in Florida most of the time my son and my sister's kids were young, and we were all in the Midwest. They had a house about an hour from us for some of those years, but they still wintered in Florida. It was fun going to visit them for vacation but not be tied to a visit schedule otherwise. I remember growing up, we had to go to my grandparents' house every Sunday. I loved them, and they had a cool farm, but we were never allowed to make other plans. I don't think it was even their idea, or my Dad's (their son), but probably Mom, who felt it was something we should do, and once she decided something, it was a rule for life. So whatever you decide, leave some flexibility for EVERYONE involved. To me, an hour's distance is perfect, close enough to visit but not be on top of each other. And nowadays with texting, Skype, and social media, distance is much less of a problem for staying close.
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Hi everyone. We are the grandparents to 4 y/o twin boys and a 7 month old boy. The twins live about 35 minutes away and the baby an hour away. We see the twins a little more than the baby but we do manage to see him about 3-4 times a month. All of them spend the night with us a fair amount and we do babysit regularly for both. My DIL does not have a good relationship with her parents and they don't see the baby at all. My SIL's parents live in Florida so they only see the twins a couple of times/year. The reason I tell you guys all of this is I wanted to point out that its very hard to have a close relationship with your grandchildren when you don't live close to them. Being a grandmother is amazing and I wouldn't want anyone to miss out. However I do understand that sometimes you have no choice but if you do then I would recommend moving closer. Happy New Year!
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One of my main motivations for beating cancer is living to meet my grandchildren! And none have been conceived yet! So I have to make myself last... Mt D is married and 31 so it may be imminent. But I want to meet them all and love them all and my youngest is still in college.
I feel like being a grandmother is the role I was born for. I had incredible grandmothers on both sides and I can't wait to pay that forward. I have been helping a younger friend with her two babies, 8 mos and 2.5.... heavenly. I love the littles. It has been such a rest from cancer treatment to sit on the floor and let a two and a half year old boss me around...... or hover behind a baby as he exerts to pull himself up. It's so in-the-moment and innocent.
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LittleMelons, I have no grandchildren yet but I have been on the other end most of my adult life, i.e. grandparents living very close or in the same house. No matter how good you think your relationship with the children and their spouses is, too much interference in their everyday lives might eventually lead to problems. This might happen years down the road and when the grandkids get a little older and don't need you around as often. Children spouses or your spouse might start feeling resentment, etc. - doesn't mean that will happen to your family but you asked what else...
You mentioned there is a train station. If you can use the train station to get from your kids town to downtown easily I suppose you can use the train going into the other direction too. That's what I would do...
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Thanks so much for all of your thoughts on this topic. It is helping me think it through and I am starting to think that maybe living where we are is not so bad. While we like and get along with our DIL (the one we would be moving close to) she doesn't seem as keen on our presence as our son does. He often says "the house behind us (or down the street) is for sale, you should buy it". But not sure if she would like us so close unless we had strict rules about frequency of contact because she likes to be very much in control of what the kids do, including eating, sleeping and activities. The kids are still young, but hopefully when they get a bit older sleepovers will be frequent. Both my DILs are very much in charge of what their kids do which is understandable, I was the same way. So we MILs must treat lightly lol.
I also had a wonderful relationship with my grandmother, Santabarbarian. My mother died when I was 8 and my grandmother was my favourite adult and my role model. My time with the grandkids are my happiest moments these days, but the whole family picture and dynamic must be taken into consideration. I wouldn't want our proximity to cause bad relations or resentments. This is a tough decision.
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I second everything Muska said.
Have you thought about meeting your son at work, taking the train home with him, staying for a day or two, then travelling back to the city with him? I assume you usually visit on weekends, when your son is home, but a weekday visit might give you a better idea of what exactly their needs are. If successful, it turns the commute into a visit with your son or sons, and gives you bonus grandma time.
And come to think of it, as you find the drive stressful, perhaps you and your husband might occasionally take the train yourselves?
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LittleMelons - I think your thought process is quite sound. I try very hard to not overstep, especially with the DILs. I try to be available at their request, though I’m sure I do and say things that “bug” them. I think that is just the nature of the relationship. IMHO grandmothers often get more leeway when they are the wife’s mother. Life is so crazy hectic for our kids’ generation. We often stay at a hotel when we visit our ten-hour-away kids even though they have a designated guest “suite”. It allows everyone time away. Oh and back to our Airbnb cottage. We have an engineer who stays there regularly during the week when he has a local job. He just texts us to see if it is available, he lets himself in, then just leaves a check. Many times we don’t even see him. It is his home away from home during the week. If you can find a place like that close to your kids, you can often work out a direct deal with the owners, and that could be “your place” when you visit your kids, without the commitment of owning or even renting.
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Unfortunately, it wouldn't be good for us to take the train to visit our son as the train station is downtown, about 45 minutes by public transit from our house which is away from downtown, then another hour by train, so driving is the best way. I guess I am whining a bit and should be happy I live only 1 hour away by car. I was complaining one day about being far away from my kids at grandparents day and my grandson's preschool. The woman I was talking to said "You are lucky, my son works in Saudi Arabia and lives there with his wife and baby." So I shut up lol
Farmerlucy, what a great idea you had setting up the airbnb on your property. Yes, I agree that probably a trial living arrangement where our son is would be best. I do sense there could be problems with our DIL if there was too much contact initiated by us.
It's partly my husband's attitude. Even if he responded with "and what would you like to do" followed by some discussion instead of just "I don't want to move" it would help.
The other more self-interested consideration people in our age group have is who will help us if we need it as we age? I have helped out my father and my in-laws countless times with transportation to doctor's appointments and various domestic matters. They lived closed to us. But with kids fairly far away with unpredictable driving, who will help us? When I mention this to my husband he says "we can take a cab".
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LittleMelons, your grandmother was a very, very lucky woman, and you were clearly blessed to have her in your life. Of course you long to bring that blessing forward, and, yes, your have already done so in raising your sons. Because of the very sad loss of your mother, it sounds as though your grandmother pretty much stepped into the role of parent, perhaps modelling for you the joy of mothering rather than that of grandparenting. As all four of my grandparents died before I was born, I have little idea of the normal role of grandparent, so I try to fit into the expectations of my boys and DIL's. Like you, I find the girls (women?) are so much closer to their own mothers that it is a bit difficult to have much, well, impact. I really did not appreciate my MIL at all. Looking back, I'd even say I was somewhat unkind. So embarassing to admit!
One of my New York friends had three children, all with kids of their own. One lived in California, one in Kuwait, and the thrd in Australia. You, on the other hand, can go to Grandparents' Day at preschool ( You did go, didn't you?). You can, in an emergency, be at the side of any of those kids and grandkids in only an hour (somewhat longer, of course, with weather and traffic), and your sons can do the same for you. In addition, you are only a cab ride from a big city hospital, most likely the hospital that makes you and your husband feel safe when you think of potential medical issues. You and your husband have your routines, your resources, your entertainment, and taxicabs near at hand. It seems to me that should either of you become frail, you would have a great deal less independence away from the city.
I am concerned that your DIL seems to be playing a bit of keepaway. I know you do not want to hear this, but I cannot help but think moving into her neighborhood at this point might easily lead to heartbreak. Please, please, throw up a couple of trial balloons by either spending more overnights with her, or, every so often, spending a few days (with your husband or alone) in a hotel or B&B. Your husband might well remain adamant about an actual move, but might enjoy a bit of a vaca, while you get to know the area, meet a few people (don't want to be dependent on your kids for socializaiton) and enjoy the best of both worlds. If you take tiny bites over the next year or so, you will have a pretty good idea of whether a move would likely be a good idea.
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LittleMelon..I retired early and moved from Michigan to California to be with my only grandchild in June 2015. My son and daughter-in-law asked me in 2014 if I would consider moving to CA to babysit their unborn child...I didn't have to think about my answer because while my two children were growing up, I didn't live close by my parents in NY .... the grandparents didn't have much of an opportunity to watch my kids grow up...my husband's job took us to Ohio, TN, Texas and Michigan...I told my husband the last move would be my decision and here "we" are in sunny Los Angeles and I never once regretted my decision. My granddaughter lives one mile from us and I have been watching her the last 3 1/2 years. My daughter lives in San Francisco so both of our kids are "close" ....you can only imagine the joy I feel being able to watch my GD grown up and most importantly be a part of my son and daughter-in-law's family....unless you are still in your 50's I would not recommend being the only "babysitter"...I did share time babysitting with a Nanny..to me it is so much better seeing her almost ever day versus two or three times a year. I feel blessed to be a big part of her life!
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BrooksideVT, Thank you for your very thoughtful analysis of my situation. It has helped me to see things more objectively. I do feel that my DIL sends out keepaway vibes at times. She does that with her own mother as well. I think she just likes to do things her way without interference. I'm sure our son would like us to move closer and they both lament the fact that they don't have anyone really close by to help them. So my DIL is sending out mixed signals: I want more help, but don't come too often or stay too long. I have been looking at it from my own standpoint, thinking of my own wish to see the grandkids more often, and am no doubt influenced by my very close and warm relationship with my own grandmother. But looking at it from the point of view of my son and DIL, I think my DIL could object if I became too close to either my son or the grandkids. So best to take it slow with trial balloons as you suggest.
pretzelwoman, how wonderful that you moved to California from Michigan and see your granddaughter almost every day. (Not to mention nicer weather. Here in Ontario we share similar weather with Michigan.) I would love to see my grandchildren every day. Your DIL obviously really appreciates and wants you to be there and very involved with your GD. I find that relationships with the DILs are delicate and require care in knowing when to keep your distance or when to offer to visit or help. Some misunderstandings have occurred but fortunately have been cleared up.
For some reason, I have been almost hysterical about this subject, feeling like I need to move there now as time is running out. Somehow, being diagnosed with cancer then turning 70 made me feel the passage of time more acutely. But reading all your opinions has helped me to look at this more rationally and less emotionally see more clearly the pros but also the potential cons of such a move.
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Littlemelon- I agree with those who advise you to tread carefully. Getaways sound nice. You're only an hour away which allows you opportunity to visit the grandkids. If you moved there, what other activities would you be involved in ? If you're picking up mixed vibes from your daughter-in-law, listen to your instincts.
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My cousin and his wife started baby-sitting their grandchildren about five years ago. Now whenever they want a break to travel (even to see their son and other grandchildren), the daughter and son-in-law get mad at them. It was supposed to be once in a while, then a day a week, then two, and now it's every day. Be careful what you wish for. And don't forget to live your own life, not through someone else. Had you and your husband ever discussed what you both wanted to do when you were retired?
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AliceBastable - I agree that too much babysitting could be a risk. I met a grandmother in the park when I was there with my granddaughter one day and she was saying that she had been babysitting for her 2 daughters' kids for 10 years and she and her husband could never get away on the holidays they want. It seemed very unfair. She looked tired. I know that I simply wouldn't have the energy to babysit these young kids all day every day. A doctor wrote a column in our local newspaper saying that he thought babysitting every day was bad for grandparents' health and they shouldn't do it.
Another thought I had was whether buying a vacation property to get the family together especially during holiday periods would be a good idea. If you aren't too bored with this topic, I would love to hear your comments on that. My husband is saying "not a good idea" at the moment, but he often starts off saying that then later says "that was a great idea" lol. My father left me some money and I could put it towards that.
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We have three summer weeks at time share near a national park. We stack them all together, have three two bed, two bath units, and invite the whole family for several days. We are around 15 people now. CRAZY city but it is an inexpensive vacation for every one and the cousins get to spent quality time together. We actually never use the whole week either and we put the rest of the days up for rent. My dad always says “After three days fish and relatives start to stink." I'm here to tell you I often feel I need a vacation after our vacation. But the kids love it and we're creating memories.
Alternatively my son's in laws splurge for a week vacation every other yearat awesome destinations. They generally rent a huge house and invited all their kids and their families. This is a good way to do it because you can go to different locations and you don't have the financial expenditure for an entire house.
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I think my cousin's son-in-law's parents have a large lake cabin where they all gather for holiday weekends, which sounds nice. I don't have grandchildren, and won't unless my son adopts, so I'm merely an interested bystander! But since I'd had this conversation fairly recently with the cousin, I thought I'd stick my nose in.
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