How to nicely stop well-meaning advice

phlorada: I took a two-pronged approach.

1) I understood early on that people say stupid and hurtful things WAY TOO OFTEN, but I think it's just a way for most folks to express a kinship so to speak. So I let their comments go in one ear and out the other. I figure I've got enough stress fighting this beast to add more giving those comments a moment's thought.

2) When I made a "public" announcement on Facebook to notify those who are friends but not close enough to tell each one personally, I made it very clear that "It's OK, I'm going to beat this, and I won't tolerate any pity or negativity." Although there were plenty of times when I felt negative or had my own pity party, no one outside my DH and grown kids knew about it. I received a ton of support throughout chemo and surgery, and it continues.

Maybe one or both of those approaches will help you, I hope. It's not an easy journey you have ahead, but every one of us is here because we've made it. You will find all the info and support in the world on these forums. I suggest you visit often. ((HUGS))

Hi, phlorada, I know what you mean, everyone knows someone who did blah, blah, blah,go to this Doctor, she's the best, eat this, meditate. I only told people once I knew I had to!!Cuz they would wonder why I shaved my head🤤. Try telling them you're in information gathering mode from your doctor's and tests, so you just want to take it step by step. Don't want to get ahead of things. I'm sure other ladies here will have some advice. You're in the waiting and worrying time right now, pnce you have a plan of action, you'll feel better, believe it or not! Best wishes to you 😚💖

A sharp elbow in the speaker's gut works just fine.

Seriously, it's a fine line -- I was so upbeat and humorous in my approach on FB that I erased any potential sympathy. It would have been nice to have just one long-time friend or family member ask how I'm doing, but that hasn't happened since my initial silly announcement. The only exceptions are an ex-coworker I didn't know very well, who has stage 4 ovarian cancer, and has been cheering me on in private messages (she's a new old friend now), and a new niece-in-law who made offers of assistance. But I just can't ask for sympathy, ick. If I have a pity party, I want booze and male strippers!

You lost me on the word "nicely".

I had one lady start up a story that I knew was going to end in death and I just interrupted and said, "So I'm gonna die just like that person, is that what you are going to say?"

Then again, this is my personality. When we made the initial announcement of Stage 2 breast cancer on caringbridge, I gave a list of things people could do for me/get me. No shame. I knew people were going to ask. I'd rather give them ideas to actually be helpful then tell them "oh, we're fine" and have them do for me/give me crap.

Why should I be the one to thwart them from blessing me?

I waited until I had a plan in place before I shared the news (other than closest family and couple of friends). That seemed to stop people from trying to give too much advice since I gave the news along with my plan.

I know people mean well and when the few would give unsolicited advice (or even disgnoses!) I felt they might need to feel better themselves or perhaps even less scared. Anyway, it didn’t happen too often fortunately!

Good luck

I think it's okay to stop someone from telling their whole story and asking if it ends well because if it doesn't you'd rather not hear it at this time. I told everyone and anyone when I was diagnosed. It's just how I roll - but the alternative medicine advice and the stay positive advice was not helpful at all. I think usually they want to be helpful but its not... as you know. I get needing to stay focused and clear (not muddied by useless antidotes) as you make your plans.

Good grief Cali - a scientist? Who cares if they make money if it is saving our lives?

Diane

Phlotada

Do not put any of your diagnosis info on Facebook and tell anyone you share with to keep it off FB. I was diagnosed 2.5 years ago and it’s still not on FB! Generally speaking only those who have been diagnosed with cancer have a clue what you are going through. All those folks with advice and stories think they are helping you. Outside of immediate family and a few close friends (and a few coworkers because I couldn’t focus on work and needed help) no one knew until i had a pretty good idea of what i was up against. While you can’t get the cat back in the bag, you may want to stop sharing for now. Cancer has a long tail - my last surgery was two years after diagnosis- there is plenty of time to share. And I work with people and have social interactions with many people who have no idea what the last two years have entailed

I was very careful who I shared ANY information with after the first few weeks. If I didn't know them well, I kept my mouth shut. It's why I wore a wig (which actually looked real enough that no one knew I was going through treatment). I didn't want to scream "cancer patient", and that kept a lot of well-meaning but often clumsy, thoughtless comments at bay.

Sometimes I simply had to have well-meaning colleagues and others "talk to the hand", and actually put it up in front of my face, palm out, and said, "stop--I can't hear about that now", when someone would launch into some godawful story. It's okay to protect ourselves from words that might pull us out of a hopeful, or peaceful place, and drag us into the dark. I bordered on terror a lot during treatment, and I don't have particularly thick skin, so I had to do what I had to do to protect myself. I even let my husband answer my phone when someone called and I knew they wanted me to give them an update (reassure them I'm okay) and I didn't have the energy to tell my story again, one more time.

Caringbridge journaling was the best place for me to update when I felt strong enough to do so, and let others read. It was also a public forum (friends and family) and I realize now, since those who posted knew others would read what they wrote, my friends and family only wrote encouraging notes. I didn't have to get cornered by someone who told me a story about their aunt who had b.c. who died from it. Ugh.

Claire in AZ

like that approach!

Claire

that is exactly how I felt-- I also work in a university- and it was truly a haven--every day for 8-10 hours I did not have to think about cancer... surrounded by thousands of people every day-- crisises, things to do, people to supervise, students to deal with... it was a great respite. Very few people knew and it was great--- I could just go about my business every day, shut off the cancer talk and thoughts-- then only deal with it when I got home..... great relief....