Stage 4 is wearing me down!

Hi everyone, I try every day to stay positive, be strong, don't let them see you sweat! But dang it, it's getting tough.

I have been on Gemzar/Carbo since November 2017 and before that I was on it for about 4 months in early part of 2016 when I first had my recurrence. My PET scans are showing "stable / no change" so my Onc wants to keep me on this regimen for as long as we can. We're not getting quite the results we had back in 2016 but since there's no new growth we're sticking on this. His words are "we want to squeeze as much out of these drugs as possible". Well... last treatment was 2 weeks ago and I finally had the allergic reaction to Carbo that everyone mentions could happen. I started itching uncontrollably and broke out in red blotches. There was only about 5 minutes left to the drip so they stopped it. My Onc says that we'll do a new scan and then determine how to proceed. Most likely I'm done with Carbo forever. I'm not allowing myself to even guess at what's next and maybe that's part of what my problem has been lately.. I'm waiting to get my next PET scheduled and my appt is with him on September 10th and we'll discuss at that time.

I'm only 11 days out from my last treatment so I'm still feeling a bit crappy from that, but it's getting harder and harder to bounce back after each one. Living with Stage 4 metastatic BC is becoming so hard and I have to admit that I get a little bitter about it at times. I continue to work full time and take a day or two off for treatments or days when I feel really bad. But I still feel like I have to explain myself to my boss and coworkers when I do. The SE's from these drugs aren't anything that people can see. I still have my hair but it's wreaking havoc on my blood counts and I feel lousy most days. I have a good job that allows me to take time off so I'm blessed by that but why am I so resentful? Someone suggested therapy and I don't think that's the problem. I'm just sick and tired of feeling like this!

This board is and has always been a place of hope and positivity for me so I apologize for my rant. I just know that most of you will relate to me and maybe tell me how you handle the unknown of just trudging through tx after tx. I always keep a smile on my face and try to keep myself and everyone around me positive (especially my dear husband) but it's getting harder to do!

Blessings to you all!

XOXO

Elaine