My get up and go, got up and took off without me

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Jadedjo
Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
edited August 2018 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

I been working out hard for over a month pretty much daily close to two hours after I wake up and an hour of yoga ( I was building up to Scott cole's tai chi as an alternative  when this happened) at night. Recently I have gotten prepared to get started and I just crap out like a car out of gas I turn around,get changed back into my Jammies and crawl into bed and get lost in the internet or whatever else I can disappear mentallly into.

In a week that I would have normally did my usual full daily routine (accumulated over 2 1/2 hours of work outs) I think I have done my morning routine 4 times and my nightly one twice.tris is since my plastic surgeon appt that was a spectacular fail on many levels.

It's not physical.altough my knees ain't happy.

it's mental.

I was already in a bad place mentally to start before I was diagnosed like suicidal ideation bad place, and for awhile I decided screw it I am going decide when I die not this useless body that has failed, betrayed and ruined my life for over two decades now. But the past week I just haven't had much fight and ticked off rage in me ( I'm just broken and sad the past week)and that's what's been pushing me to do all that working out for over the past month to build up my muscle mass for surgery which I STILL dont have a date for  by the way.

I suspect a slight part of it has to do with my dreams. I am a huge dreamer when I sleep, it my escape from this life although it hasn't been much of one the past three years and I remember pretty much all the dreams I have ( I used to have up to 2-5 a night) ever since they diagnosed me I have had maybe 5 that I remember that's not a night that's in the 5 weeks since I been diagnosed.none of them have been happy good ones.cancer released very bad ones. What makes it worse is I know I'm still dreaming like I did my brain is just blocking all of it.i suspect because none are happy ones.  I often wake up feeling devastated and even more broken for some unknown reason. Not just for my life but I feel like whatever I dreamt about was devestating.( probably about what this cancer is costing me in the this life which is pretty much everything that was still keeping me going)

Now add to that nothing highlights how alone you are when you have a serious illness. All I'm thinking  to myself is why do I want to put myself through the hell of all the treatments just to live like this a few more years but with a cancer reoccurance and possible  mets sword hanging over my head,life was hard enough to get through  before cancer.

This is no life. I wouldn't curse my existence for the past 16 years on my worst enemy. Why do I want to fight for more of it.  Nothing I have done has changed it before it's still the same just with nobody left, and a different chronic possibly fatal illness ruining my entire existence this time.

How do I find the motivation to get back to what I was doing before? I know I have to do it to increase my recovery and lessen complications. But my mind and motivation center just don't seem to care right now.

I was using  anger but apparently anger has gone to bed,wrapped itself in a blanket burrito and stuck in noise blocking ear plugs so to speak and now despair has taken over and despair just wants to curl up and die already.

It doesn't help that anytime I have an emotional breakdown in my counslers office she literally cuts me off with "let's stop here for today" when I barely even begun. I think I will be calling her on it the next time I see her because if you can't have a breakdown over being diagnosed with cancer and what the life cost for it's going to be  with the person counseling you what's the use of going to see them?

I also suspect that the attitude of the medical people here which is just "we don't give a crap cause we ain't in no hurry" is not helping anything. It will be a week tommorow with still no surgery date in sight and despair is making me say who cares anyways which is why I'm not bothering to call about it.

I don't know what to do anymore.


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  • NancyHB
    NancyHB Member Posts: 1,512
    edited August 2018

    Jo, you sound exhausted from a lifetime of battles. I'm sorry you find yourself beginning a new fight, on top of everything else. It simply sucks.

    As I'm getting ready to go out for a run right now, I'm fighting the urge to crawl right back into bed. 😊 last night I really wanted to come home after work and drown my anxiety in ice cream and bad TV, but instead I headed off to my Tuesday yoga class. It's hard to find the internally motivation sometimes (and some days I just can't). I never regret when I'm done, but getting started can be hard. Sometimes we just have to do the things we don't want to, because we know it's good for us. Cut yourself a little slack; it's okay to miss a workout here and there, just know you have another opportunity today to try again.

    I am always impressed by how strong you are. Given all the battles you fight, you're still here, pushing forward, determined to make it through another day. Sometimes it's hard; some days feel impossible, I know. Just keep trying. And know that you matter, and we care

    ETA: My mother used to say, “My get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went.” I’ve never heard anyone else say it.

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  • Claire_in_Seattle
    Claire_in_Seattle Member Posts: 4,570
    edited August 2018

    Dear Jadedjo,

    You are right. The period when you are being diagnosed is no fun, and the uncertainty makes things even worse. However, all is far from lost.

    I am an exerciser and draw a lot of my strength from the time I spend outside. If exercise were just the gym, I would be elsewhere. You will most likely be just fine, so a battle well worth fighting. As for exercisers, the whole trip is normally a lot easier, as is recovery because we never lose muscle mass. I was cycling during chemo, though not hills.

    Your get-up will return. I had an interesting vision of the future just before surgery. I was doing a group bicycle ride down a country lane, and had a fast-forward to one year hence where I saw myself doing exactly the same thing, no worse off than having a couple of chunks of flesh missing and much shorter hair. It came true!!!

    Nine years later, I am just fine. I have a full life which I am in the process of changing to a work-life balance that is skewed towards life, while retaining my interesting consulting work. I am off for a weekend of cycling and vineyard camping, including a wine tasting with the wine maker, food trucks, hiking, and an evening of jazz and swing on the vineyard lawn. A week ago, I cycled one of the Islands in the Puget Sound.

    Most of us don't have surgery immediately after diagnosis. This is not the same thing as needing an appendectomy and a few weeks won't make any difference in the outcome. Good luck and feel better. And certainly get a counsellor who will listen to you and help. 

    I am off to dig out my exercise ball for my crunches routine, which I just hate..... But well worth it because I am the one wearing the tight jeans. Feel better, and find the right person to help. - Claire

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited August 2018

    NancyHB

    Thank you. i am tired of fighting to survive I been doing it for years now.im  just tired of it all and now I have this on top of everything else. What makes it worse is I have nothing worth fighting for. 

    I've used that saying since I was a child,it was pretty popular where I grew up especially in the 80's.

    Claire in Seattle  

    Thanks.

    I did do one of my DVDs today the strength training one with light weights but decided since I was going to be up and down all day with laundry best not to tire myself out before I finished all the laundry with the whole rigmarole. It took everything I had to get through that 45 min though.

     The only thing that keeps me going back even the little I do this past week is that I keep hearing that recovery is easier if you have built up muscles and complications are less.

     I haven't lost weight actually gained a couple but my pants fit higher on my belly and my shirts are looser so I know I'm losing  inches if not pounds. I just noticed today that my legs no longer resemble thick full logs but a smaller tree trunk with a bulgy bag at the top so I have lost a lot of inches on my legs but the inner thighs are so huge it wasn't noticeable until now. I still got the back leg bulge when I stand up though so I won't call anything a success until those are gone.im trying to find small ways to add activity like walking instead of using bus transit to the run errands tomorrow.its a good 40 min walk while dodging bad drivers trying to run you over ( I emphasize bad PSYCHOTIC drivers)so it is sort of a workout in itself.

    I'm thinking my going completely sedentary to highly active within a week of being diagnosed isn't doing me any favours other then taking off inches faster. My body and  brain have finally caught up together and are going "giiiiiirl,what?!? What is this insanity?!"

    Exercise does nothing for me except have me going "ya.here I go again. Oh joy *sarcasm* THIS BETTER WORK!"

    It doesn't for what I want it to. Weight loss. Doctors don't care about inches lost they care about pounds lost. Other then the 16 pounds I lost mostly due to high stress shortly after diagnosis I haven't lost a pound. Considering what I eat and how much I exercise the pounds should be dropping off and they are not.

    I'm holding on to the fact it won't be this intense after surgery.will be starting off with Scott Coles chi Kung once I get the go ahead. It's chair stretches , some basic slow arm movements and chi Kung breathing. Then work my way up slowly to at least one DVD a day of what I am doing now.

    At least that's the plan. When I plan, God breaks into massive hysterical laughter and goes "nope,you fool!"

    Blessed be.


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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited September 2018

    i was actually diagnosed July 20th and still don't have a surgery date but they think beginning of October. Still waiting for it. It's been a week since I saw plastic surgeon you would think he and the breast surgeon have picked a date already. It wouldn't be the first time they didn't let me know. It happened with a specialist appt once. 

    Didn't know until the reminder call day before and I'm all "what appt and who is this doctor ?!?"turned out the person who was supposed to call me checked off that they had but had actually hadn't.

    I got a strong feeling I'm in the same situation here. They contacted each other but forgot to let the patient know.

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  • oxygen18
    oxygen18 Member Posts: 164
    edited August 2018

    Jo, I hope that after surgery the counselor helps you identify new things that can bring you satisfaction. You will find something. You might get hold of some of Barbara Sher's writings to help you on that path. It can be a rewarding experience in self discovery. Take care.

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  • Claire_in_Seattle
    Claire_in_Seattle Member Posts: 4,570
    edited August 2018

    OK Jo, lots going on. 

    You figured out most of the reason for being exhausted. No wonder: "I'm thinking my going completely sedentary to highly active within a week of being diagnosed isn't doing me any favours other then taking off inches faster. My body and  brain have finally caught up together and are going "giiiiiirl,what?!? What is this insanity?!"

    This would be true whether or not you had breast cancer. What I will say is keep up as much activity as possible, and yes, inches count. As in the dude who said to me recently at the end of a metric century bicycle event: Nice butt, I mean, nice bike! Of course, he meant the former, and I really don't mind as is a measure of the results of all my hard work.

    The upshot is that I, a lady in her 60s, am off to a fun 30th year celebration of a vineyard and winemaker this weekend. I will be camping in the orchard as well as cycling, floating on the Yakima River for the first time, drinking wine of course, and eating a lot of roast pork, as they have a pig roast on the agenda. (Pork for breakfast, pork for dinner for 2 days....fortunately I like pork.) There is also swing dancing. Fortunately, I now have a wonderful sleeping pad that doesn't lose air overnight (zzzzzzz!!!). Naches Heights is just breathtaking.

    Keep it going girl!!! You will wait, and then your surgery will be over. You will have a final diagnosis, which I found to be a relief. Then treatment and onwards. No guarantees about the vineyard camping, but you will find similar fun activities. I ended up with much chicer hair, and a trimmer body. Not to mention dating a much younger man who looks like Daniel Craig a few years ago.

    Don't focus on the pounds at the moment....focus on being strong and fit. Because that's what makes the difference in the long run. The rest will come. Good luck, and don't forget to enjoy life. - Claire 

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  • Jadedjo
    Jadedjo Member Posts: 469
    edited August 2018

    Oxygen18

    Thank you.

    Claire in Seattle

    Thank you. i hope you enjoy your trip and come back with great fun memories.

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