Dealing with Upset Family after Diagnosis

I don't have any tips but can relate. It can be a second job having to comfort others about your cancer. Exhausting. I don't really tell anyone about my BC - very few family know and only a few friends, outside my BC friends. I don't want to deal with people's pity stares and emotional breakdowns and most of all, don't want to be written off, with people assuming I don't matter because I will be gone pretty soon anyway. If you have one family member or friend that can speak on your behalf and communicate with people about your updates (and ideally, communicate that you are going to be okay and are doing well right now), it can take a huge weight off your back. For those who do know, they see that I look healthy and am pretty active in life and take their cues from that. They assume I am fine now because I look fine and have been keeping up, for the most part. I am currently wearing a wig but no one knows. I put in effort to "fake it" because it helps me feel better emotionally to be treated like a normal person, talking about normal subjects, not just cancer. I think over the last 3.5 years, some people have forgotten I have Stage 4. I would never have thought that possible but do know a woman through work whom I met when she had just been diagnosed with Stage 4 colon cancer, with very, very swollen ascites belly - 9 month pregnant look. I saw her lose her hair and expected she would only have a year or two left. However, over time, I completely forgot about the her cancer. I have known her about 8 years and forgot completely after a year. I only remembered later on after my own diagnosis.

Chevy - I am so very sorry for your new diagnosis of mets. People can live a very long life with mets as I have seen here on BCO. My thoughts on your family is tell them straight out what their anxiety is doing to you and if need be tell them they should find a support group to go to. (I think there may be a forum on here for family). You don't need the added stress they are causing you and they won't know they are causing you any until someone (you) tells them. Sometimes though, our emotions can't be controlled, most of the time I was good around my step dad while he was fighting his battle, but once I broke down and cried telling him I didn't want him to die. I realized afterwards how I must have made him feel. For my step dad we knew he had a year at most to live, unfortunately we got a lot less than that, but a lot of people don't realize that stage 4 does not mean your dieing. HUGS Chevy, we are here for you always.

I am so sorry you had to join us in Stage IV. The first time you are told that it is a punch in the gut and scary. First thing to know, your family is in shock as much as you are. You will find ways of dealing with emotions. I am glad you found us here. This is a great place to ask questions and also talk with like minded people going through something similar. It will allow you to get out any of your darkest thoughts that might scare your family.

I found a social worker helpful in framing my thinking about how some of my family handled things. I used to get upset at my younger brothers family as I did not think they cared. We do not see each other much BUT after the social worker explained some people cannot deal with it, it is better to allow them space. Less stress for you and easier to come together later. Time will also blunt the fear.

The other thing is to tell your family what you need from them to help you. You also can be a help to your family by letting them know you are still here and interested in their lives too. I found that I lived in cancerland and constantly talked about it, not giving much thought to other people's lives. I actually found it less stressful listening to what was happening. I listen to meditation music in my earbuds at night while I sleep. Keeps me calm and not having to wake up about cancer.

If you still feel healthy, tell your family you are living with cancer. Don't frame it as I am dying from cancer as this will make treatment feel even more difficult for you. It can also be something that is helpful to them as well. If they say they want to help, give them things that can help you like help housecleaning, organizing bills or something. They will appreciate you allowing them to help.

A lot of what I am saying comes with time, the online support here is great and if you need it, I am sure your cancer center can give you locations of support groups. I have been dealing with cancer a long time and a lot of this took a couple of years.

Cry if you need to whenever you need to and lose stress, don't allow a doctor to say too much about prognosis and don't bother with the survival stats. Let your family know that for now, you are still here and carry on as normally as possible. Stay active if you can as well, great stress buster and helps make any side effects of ongoing treatment smaller. Good luck, you can message me anytime. I may not be triple negative but I am still living with cancer and having a good life.