Im starting to lose my sh@#

dear Careninnj

All I can say, is I hear you. I feel you. The anger is a natural response to the breast cancer. I am very angry too.

Something physical may help a little: Sometimes I do push-ups (from the knees) and on the exhalation I yell "F* Cancer". I do sit-ups and vocalize "I hate you I hate you I hate you" to the cancer.

It would be great if we all had access to a therapist. I don't know if those resources are available to you. But if you feel like you need someone to vent to, maybe that would be helpful. I haven't even had my first appointment with my oncologist but I am prepared to ask for whatever mental health support services are available.

Strong emotion is natural and I do think it is like a wave, it rises and abates. Need to ride the wave, but try not to let it capsize you.

take care,

Amica

caren, I agree with the others. It's normal, comes in waves. Please know we are here for you. It's hard for others not going through this to' get it' so you will find support here. There was a time at the beginning when I couldn't talk to anyone about it because everything they said to comfort me just made me angrier. You are not alone and I'm sorry you are going through this. Every time I see a new member diagnosed on this board it pisses me off. Let us help you. You are strong

You're not alone. I was diagnosed last June at 39 when my kids were 5 and 7. I had a lumpectomy with dirty DCIS margins so then mastectomy. I have avaeiant if uncertain significance on my ATM gene and therefore had another mastectomy in January. My new oncologist is revommending ovarian removal since the tumor was highly ER+. My last mo didnt think that necessary and I specifically asked. I had a low oncotype but she still feels it will provide a few percentage points reduction.

I will do whatever I have to do to see my kids grow up. I've gone through phases. At first I was completely in shock and almost couldn't cry. About a week after diagnosis during the multi-disciplinary meeting a counselor came in to speak with me and the first thing she said to me was "You're not sick. You have a tumor and it will be removed." I don't know why but that sent me over the edge crying. And I've cried every day since. But I've also started feeling more angry too. My life isn't what I thought it was and will I ever forget about this crap. Or every day will I worry about seeing my kids grow up? It's a horrible feeling and from what I read on these boards gets better with time.

All that to say all your emotions are valid and you're not alone. Best wishes.

Boy do we feel your pain. All of you don’t need permission to be angry. It comes with the diagnosis. I know we all have been dealing with other overwhelming issues and now this.

My sister and I have breast cancer. Our mother did so the odds were we would get it too. I am 7 years out this month. My sister is a year behind me.

I was in shock like everyone else and then throughout the process I was in a fog. I just went through the motions. I didn’t cry until I got my low Oncotype score which allowed me to dodge chemo. I kept my game face on most of the time because I didn’t want to scare my son.

Support was my salvation. Friends who had been through it, a church BC group and this website were my lifelines. Nowhere else can you talk about what ails you with ladies who have the same DX in various grades and stages.

I have also lost a friend to this insidious disease and another one recently DX Stage IV. Btw she did everything right too and it still progressed.

Time helps but unfortunately there will always be the fear factor of a recurrence. Also comes with the territory but I admittedly have worried less as time passes despite the horrific stories of the beast coming back after multiple years. You can’t live your life like that. Keeping us from living with that fear won’t stop us from dying when our time comes.

There are therapists available at the cancer center I went to. I haven’t availed myself of that opportunity but others have. To each her own.

So keep the faith and keep us posted.

Diane

Caren - we all feel your pain and we get it. I was on Xanax right away (50mg) and that took the edge off a little but just enough so that I could cope until my surgery a few weeks later. I had plenty of crying rants - in the shower! I have been going to a therapist for about 6 months even though my BMX was over a year ago. She said we are all suffering from PTS. I have not yet grieved or come to terms .with this whole thing. I still have mornings when I wake up thinking it was all a horrible nightmare.

You need to lean on your husband. Believe me, he is as scared and angry as you are but now he has to be your strong support. Remember that you are not alone. Not now, not ever. We are always here to listen and talk. This website and these women have been such a lifeline for me and we will be for you, too. So go ahead and rant to us, ask questions, and say whatever you want.

You are stronger than you think and you've got this.

An

I don't know about others but my anger and rage is based more on what this cancer has and is taking away from me.

My chance however small at my age of having a child, of meeting someone who will love me , my femininity as my breasts are the only thing on me that looks female,being thrown into menopause forcefully,having my hormones so suppressed  that once again I lose even more of my femaleness,my so called health that I thought I had, and if I am forced into doing chemo my already fragile mental health along with what little physical health I have left, years on medication that my already sensitive system is going to reject outright and a precarious future.

I told my friend that this cancer is taking everything away from me and only giving back heartache and pain.and I think it's the truth for many people. Some might find something in it but I only see me losing everything I didn't know I had left to lose. 

And it royally pisses me off into rage and if I had anything to throw or crash down repeatedly that I could afford to replace I would have done it when I first got diagnosed.i would do it now if I could.

I think for a lot  of us that's where the anger comes from. What we are losing, whether it be our breasts,our lives as we know it,what we thought our health was, the certain future we thought we had until the word cancer was uttered no matter what stage a person is at,so many of the things we lose when we are diagnosed and have to endure before,during and after the treatment for it.

I think maybe it's anger at the loss.

I don't know.

Thanks for this made me feel more normal . When I was diagnosed i was so so angry. Used to hit the floor ! and curl up in a ball and cry it upset my husband so much but I couldn't help it. I had all these emotions and didn't know how to deal with them. Now I get angry when I see people I've not seen in a while I tend to hide where before I'd go and chat. I look from a distance and think all I've gone through and imagine how they still have a perfect life of course I could well be wrong there but it gets me every time .

L8dybell, it is very normal to feel the way you do, even when the prognosis is very good, and it was caught early. It takes time to digest, and make the decisions. Try to be kind to yourself, and take one day at a time.

I don't think I am angry but more disappointed with my body. And there is griefand ptsd. Some days I feel like I have “almost" forgotten and other days it's so in my face. The docs are doing what they've been taught to try and keep us chugging along with the best QOL as possible (or at least that is the hope, right?). I think I worry more about the possibility of pain ans discomfort down the line. And we just don't know if we will be okay for 10 more years or just one year. So there's some pressure to make each day awesome somehow. I just try to relax.

Well, its been since 7 Aug since my last post.  I am fine now after a lumpectomy/sentinel node biopsy surgery (15th Aug) no complications did extremely well (2 hour surgery I was so silly when I woke up in recovery, they gave me some type of sedative instead of knocking me completely out because I had respiratory failure last year ( propofal  was used for a cyst removal from my toe...Yeah that's another story with a civilian hospital trying to make money, they claimed the cyst was in the bone). Needless to say the surgery never happened and the cyst is gone. (it may have made its way to my left breast..hummm interesting). Any way, just when I was feeling better,  the call from the doctor on the 25th Aug that I needed another surgery for re-excision because of the margins.  So on the 29th Aug I had another surgery which was quick less than an hour. They knocked me out.  It was so fast I didn't know it happened. One minute they were putting the IV then the next my husband was putting my clothes back on. It went well also. Now I am waiting for the margin call again, I guess. Also I sit here I still wonder if its worst than what they think. Also  having to decide on radiation and hormone pills or just hormone pills. Also I am scheduled to fly to Florida from Virginia on the 14 Sept.  I haven't asked the doctor if I can fly yet. My followup is that morning. hummm. It's 5 days after the re-excision, the area of excision was the bottom of my right breast  on  the crease. About 5 1/2 inch long.  Then 2 inch under my arm. cosmetically they did a good job. I am less than a B cup anyway. They didn't take much tissue however It could just be swollen.  My side is very sore if I don't take the any meds. I try not to take the meds. I have decided to change my diet to superfoods and natural nutrition. Rid my body of  chemicals, glyphosate and pesticides they put on all of our food. That's where this stuff is coming from. I use products that helps instead of harm us now.  Its scientifically proven to work. Anyway I really am grateful and wish the best for you all. Thanks for the motivation and inspiration.  Love and prayers for you all. 

 Thanks, L8dybell

DX : 2 Aug 18, DCIS in situ, Right, 8mm, Stage 0. non invasive. ER+PR+

hello sweetie I threw things around also at my diagnosis especially those cigarettes I smoked then after my cry and I did lots of that its normal then with Fiancee at time and family n friend I decided to fight for my life and I got mad and I told that cancer nite after nite cancer you must leave my body my Faith helped me hold on to this. Hope Positive thinking got me up to this day. Praise God I am a 24yr Survivor this yr. Hope. Faith Positive thoughts my thing. msphil. idc stage2 0\3 nodes 3mo chemo before n after Lmast got married(yes I was planning our 2nd marriages when diagnosed) then 7wks rads then 5 yrs on Tamoxifen. Then our Honeymoon in mountains.