Single man meets survivor with double mastectomy

Well Mr.D you sure stirred up a first class poop storm here eh? Makes sense as it’s a very delicate and contentious subject. Personally I can see both sides. The wrath you’ve received thus far is very understandable considering the community you posted to, and I would by lying if I didn’t have a big share in those posters feelings.

The thing is you took the time to google the issue so obviously you aren’t just writing off this lady immediately. Your searching for help with this tells me that you are torn by it all because in essence you do care. If you were truly shallow you wouldn’t have even taken the time to search, never mind putting yourself up for a verbal slaughter. You had the grace to be ashamed at your perceived shallow feelings. A total putz wouldn’t feel shame. You mention loving her eyes, smile, character, and call her a very special person...sounds a wee bit like a man in love to me. But not enough love. Perhaps the lack of sexual attraction happened with her admission about her condition? Sounds to me that it goes beyond just a simple ‘because she doesn’t have a breast(s)’. You’ve met a great woman that you might have to lose in the worst way possible. That in itself is very understandable, and I defend your right to feel that way. You’re not going to set yourself up for the possibility, that’s ok too. I can’t say i wouldn’t have done the same in your shoes before I found myself here. What i am sure of is that you need to cut ties immediately and let this lady go to find her forever man and you your forever woman. Trust me, this lady has strength you don’t even realize....she’s survived looking at the possibility of her own death. She will survive you, never doubt that. Spare her the details, otherwise you would be a putz. Do it sooner than later her perfect match is out there eagerly waiting to meet her. Hope you find peace in this

Wow, you have really convinced yourself that this is all about you and that even in your admitting to be shallow you feel "honest" and open no doubt. Coming to a breast cancer forum asking to be consoled for being put off by breast cancer is the height of arrogant narcissism. Can you not see anything outside yourself or how other people might feel?

"I would simply give her a good reason to dump me" Give her the link to this post and she will have her reason.

Now you’re being a dick with the “give her a good reason to dump me” if my lack of attraction doesn’t change BS and making it all about you.

Man up and bow out instead of stringing her along until you tire of the charade

What she could be thinking - not enough complexity in mental health, does she have to take you on??

Not to worry - she may dump you first - the endless self wallowing rather than a bald head is very unattractive.

And still there is something about your posts - unless they are a play for a study and I have a quirky sense of the absurd - that tells me you like this woman. There is in my humble opinion great beauty in scars.

There is also a fair bit of pain both physical and emotional but they are a unique map to a journey that no one else has, and no one wants to take. I am ok with having my breast off, and to me both were very beautiful, I feel no need to have another one - of some things one has just one and that is enough. It has not made a difference to my sex life and I have no hesitation undressing. I mercifully have no wound pain. There are things about me and my personality that are much harder to cope with than being asymmetrical.

I will tell you what my man's reaction to all this was " if you want a rock in your life you are going to have a few hard edges". So I am the rock - nah... we are.

Just be honest... find the guts - somewhere in your belly - find the guts. You never know if you give her a chance she might find them for you.

How does one start ?? Well maybe just by saying that finding out about her cancer and seeing her surgery profoundly afftected you and you don't know what to do with it all. That you have questions, and fears and seeing her scars makes you want to protect her rather than bring out the tiger - or whatever - in you. And that you are genuinely unsure how you feel about all this.

Is that what you asked of this forum??

Perhaps you are simply NOT attracted to this lady and it has nothing to do with her scars....let her go and stop wasting her time and stop making excuses for it. I know women who have been "mutilated" for a number of reasons, least of which is simply having children, and they have loving relationships with men (or women) who love them for who they are. Body parts deteriorate over time anyways, but not the soul, the spirit, the essences of being a human being. How would like someone to judge your attractiveness by the size or shape of your body part(s)? Let her go so she can find someone who will treat her as a good human being instead of whining about modified sweat glands no longer there. crikey.

Basing one's sexual attraction on ONLY one area of the person IS shallow imho. Sex is important in a relationship but it isn't the only thing and sexual attraction isn't just about boobs and genitals....love and sexual attraction encompasses the whole person. I remember being asked out on a date by a very heavy set man, I thought, gee...I don't know about this but I said ok anyways. I was judging a book by its cover. That was one of the best dates I ever had; the man was funny, a gentleman in every way and we had a lot of fun together. The fact that he was large faded away over dinner and all I saw was this man was beautiful!

I am another unreconstructed woman, with both boobs missing. I can tell you why.

1. The only way I can have reconstruction (because of the treatment I have had) is to move other parts of my body to where my boobs used to be. It is a long and scary surgery and it doesn't always work. The recon would have no sexual function for me.

2. A lot of reconstructed boobs look nothing like real ones. Not sure it would help you much, even if your friend had fakes made.

3. And this one is a biggie, to me anyway, the nerves in my chest have recovered. This means that I have sexual feeling in my chest. Not as intense or as much as I used to have, but significant enough that I don't want to lose it by having fakes installed.

Many women in this situation wear lingerie with silicone fakes to bed. It seems to work for many people. But also consider that your friend may, like me, have sexual feeling in those scars, and especially in the triangle between the scars and the collarbone, out towards the armpit.

Your reaction is probably not unusual. One of the reasons I have not dated since my mastectomy is that I have no desire to face what your friend is facing. However, I am rethinking this, and I would urge you to do the same. You could be missing out big-time.

MrD, you surely must have benefited from the range and variety of information posted here and I hope you have learned something about relationships from the perspective of those living with or without reconstruction from the perspective a breast cancer survivor. Have you mentioned the discussion here with your friend? These posts may also have helped you further develop your empathy, especially considering the medical dramas your friend has experienced. While sexual attraction is important for you, remember that cancer focuses you on many other aspects of life, not the least of which is, how long do I have to live? I'd suggest that bringing up her kids might be a big issue and you don't appear to have built this into your assessment of her situation. Anyway, without hearing the other side of this relationship. I really can't add more. And reading your second post, I can see that it really is all about you and ending this relationship asap should be a priority, and certainly the best for you both.