Difficult conversation with my husband

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Snowfall
Snowfall Member Posts: 90
edited March 2018 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

I just had to have a very difficult conversation with my husband. It wasn't much different from what he heard from the social worker when we met with the palliative care team a couple of weeks ago, but it was harder coming from me, and hard for me to say it.

The bottom line is that I cannot be his primary support system or conversation partner as he processes through my medical situation and the likelihood of death. I am busy living my life, and don't want to devote any more time to medical or end-of-life issues than I have to. I think I'm being responsibly attentive to them, but they're not getting more time than they need.

I understand that as the potential remaining spouse and caregiver, he has a lot of issues he needs to deal with. He is not the most psychologically resilient person, and has spent much of his life of avoiding dealing with issues, so does not have a great tool box for handling them. Nonetheless, I simply do not have anything to offer him to help him do it. While I can be compassionate, and I am, my goal of focusing on now and his need to focus on the future are often in conflict, and I can't be the person who helps him look to the future.

I hate that I can't help him with this. I hate having to say that he needs to find alternative support and figure this out himself. But we had an incident this week that made me realize that the issue isn't just that I won't be here for him when I die. It's that already we are on different paths, even while we're together. Preparing to die and figuring out how to live in the meantime is simply a very different thing from preparing to be an end-of-life caregiver and to lose your spouse. The separate paths begin now, which is very sad for me.

Not much more to say than that, but just needed to get it out. I have scans on Wednesday, and the last round of scans showed progression, so we both have some anxiety. The worst part of this disease for me is the pain it causes others.

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  • melmcbee
    melmcbee Member Posts: 1,119
    edited March 2018

    Snowfall I can only imagine how hard that was. Its good to acknowledge that you cant think of that stuff cause you are using your energy to live in the now. You are brave. Im sendings prayers and hugs

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  • Snowfall
    Snowfall Member Posts: 90
    edited March 2018

    Thanks, Mel. It is particularly hard because I know that my husband is not very well equipped to deal with this stuff. For 25 years I've filled that gap for him. In retrospect, that probably wasn't the best thing to do. Now he's in the midst of a crisis that is somewhat beyond his scope for dealing with things. He's supposed to be getting set up with a counselor, but has dragged his feet, preferring to talk with me. I just can't do it.

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  • Cure-ious
    Cure-ious Member Posts: 2,626
    edited March 2018

    Hi Snowfall,

    your story reminds me of a friend who died some years back from ovarian cancer. It drove her crazy that her husband would withdraw from her, and just hang with their five year old son, whenever she got really sick. Consequently, she felt she always needed to be "OK" around him, just in order to have a normal family life. She felt like telling him to just get over it, because she'd be gone soon enough! So its stressful and unfair to her, but I bet its common for husbands to just be at a loss of what to do, nothing they can do to help (in their view) and profoundly depressing. I saw him a five years later, and he was still clearly still deeply grieving her, and had not seemed to have moved on with his life at all by that point, and I wish she could have known that he cared for her so much, way far beyond his ability to cope at the time.

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  • Snowfall
    Snowfall Member Posts: 90
    edited March 2018

    Thanks for sharing that, Cure-ious. It helps to realize that it's probably very common. I knew people here would understand.

    It felt good to have a calm conversation this morning where we were able to express our perspectives and recognize that they are different, but it was still sad work. I spent most of the day laying on the couch, just emotionally exhausted. Time to brush myself off and go play in the sewing room for a while!

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  • Jaylea
    Jaylea Member Posts: 478
    edited March 2018

    Snowfall, I agree, so many of us carry double the burden - dealing with the disease and trying to minimize the impact for our friends and family. I worry so much about how DH will cope. At some point down the road we will be at that place where I will be preparing to die and he will be preparing to live without me. It's exhausting to think about. I'm not a super church-y person but something my pastor said really stuck with me. He said if I trust that God is with me and will take care of me, how can that same God not take care of DH after I'm gone?

    You'll be in my thoughts for positive news coming from your scans.

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  • Snowfall
    Snowfall Member Posts: 90
    edited March 2018

    Thanks, Jaylea. A priest who I was talking with at my diagnosis of MBC said pretty much the same thing to me about my concern for those who love me. I have tried hard to remind myself of that every day! I put them in God's hands and then get busy doing whatever seems to be within my actual purview. MBC has certainly taught me how little control I have over so many things. A good lesson, but sometimes a hard one.

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited March 2018

    Snowfall, good on you to be having these conversations! I don't know if I would have the courage to do it. Right now it isn't necessary near as I can tell, but could I have this conversation with my husband? Oy! I know he worries but he doesn't show it.

    It sounds like your husband really should see a counselor. They can help. You do need to be a team, even if the paths are side by side and not the same. And you shouldn't feel guilty about this. What does the Monty Python skit say? "We are all individuals!. . .I'm not"

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  • KSkier
    KSkier Member Posts: 467
    edited March 2018

    This is profound. Especially your second to last paragraph about being on different paths, as well as the friend who needed to be "ok" around her husband. This explains a lot of what I do, and it really is a double burden. Thank you for putting this out there. ks

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  • Micmel
    Micmel Member Posts: 9,450
    edited March 2018

    Snowfall~very tough topic. You absolutely cannot Be his mother or guider any longer. Although, It seems like more of a pattern and something he has gotten used to in his life. Why would he ever want things to change, you're the pack leader. I agree with your need to say “HEY" wake up here pal and be a man. Even though I truly believe that women will continue to live years more than anyone could predict with old statistics. If the statistics are correct then I should be wrapping up my life in about 9 months so I better be getting ready! But instead i Am sitting in remission at stage four with no measurable disease or any active cancer just dying cells. Anything can happen!!! But re-training him now is a good idea regardless of when you improve! I was divorced because of something very similar, short of driving him to Work (wait I did that) ok holding his hand while he walks into work. I had to do everything and it gets tiring. Focus on you, and your health. When I was diagnosed, I cleaned out all of my closets got rid of things I didn't need nor want lingering around. I cleaned house. Including people. If it was to much trouble to have the relationship,I've kept them at arms length. You were honest. He needs to figure out what his life looks like. Either become a good caretaker and wake up! Or it won't be something you can count on, and will end up causing you more stress then help! I wish you nothing but the best and follow your gut, those feelings are usually the correct ones. Hugs strong woman ~M~

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