How to support my wife

I'm indeed overwhelmed reading your post John. You are ready. You are.

The usual bedroom will do her good, trust me, you don't really need a new one. Be with her, especially on the first day of chemo. Hold her hand, massage her back, prepare some cold towel during chemo and warm ones after chemo.... knowing that some of the nights might be difficult.

I'm sure you'll be fine.

Regards to your darling

Wonderful post...you are on board. Just remember to not invalidate her fears with those off the cuff sayings...like you will be fine, just stay positive.....you could get hit by a bus...etc.

Tell her you understand her fears but that you will be beside her every step. This is for the long haul. A good thing would be to read what not to say to cancer patients. I wish so many women on these boards had your support.

Wishing you best of luvk

She is very lucky to have such a strong and supportive husband by her side. You are ready. Just love her like you have been.

John, - you sound like a wonderful husband! Just be patient and understanding and that is all she can ask for! My husband has always made sure that I know he loves me and thought i was beautiful even with surgical bandages, drains, stitches, scars, bald, etc. It means the world to me that he is so sweet.

BUT, - remember, - you also MUST be good to yourself. You will need a break and time on your own, too. It was important to me that my husband had time to get out and be with friends sometimes, too.

You and/or your wife should check out the triple neg board , and also the board about chemo starting feb, 2018.

There is a wealth of info and friendship on these boards.

Your wife is lucky to have you!

PS, - If you want a husband's perspective, I am sure that my husband would be happy to help!

You are amazing. Your wife is so lucky. My husband didn't even drive me to a surgery for my 2nd cancer diagnoses of one year. I drove myself. Just love your wife - the way you do! And best luck!!

On a practical note John, try to keep track of your wife's medical treatment and inform yourself enough to be her medical advocate. Doctors and nurses are busy people and they often miss things, so try to double check all aspects of all procedures. Best wishes to you both.

John - it is great that you are soliciting the members here for ways to help your wife out during this challenging time. It shows what a caring husband you are, and I agree with others who have said how lucky your wife is to have you. My husband was very supportive during chemo and the many surgeries I have had, but I wanted to add another perspective. I did not need him to go with me to every appointment, and I had so many that he would not have been able to from a work perspective. I preferred to go alone to many because it allowed me to concentrate and not be distracted, but I realize this is not the norm. I am not a crier, and didn't really need extra emotional support - but he would have been happy to provide it if I needed it, and I absolutely knew that. My husband accepted and supported every decision that was made, from chemo to which surgery was the best option. I had a number of setbacks but he was unfailingly calm and encouraging for the future resolution of each issue. Our relationship did not really change because it was already perfect for both of us - we are close and loving, but very independent. I think being a military spouse for 28 years is a big part of that. We also relied on humor to get us through many difficulties involved with this - it really helped, and honestly, there were a lot of funny moments! My husband stripped drains, changed dressings, etc., - was definitely in the trenches for some of the immediate post-surgery care, but he didn't need to cook or shop other than on occasion, or do household chores other than vacuuming, because I didn't really need the help. I planned ahead and got things done at points when I felt good - that helped me to feel normal, and freed him to pay attention to his very demanding job. We have no family nearby, our daughter was in college locally when I was diagnosed and she did take me to some appointments when I had driving restrictions due to surgery, our son was in college out of state. My husband functioned as the communication hub for all of his siblings/their spouses, and his parents also, so that I was not answering endless phone calls and repeating the same info over and over - this was invaluable. My advice would be to take your cues from your wife, pay close attention, you know her best. Ask her what she needs or wants, don't assume - there is no one size fits all in this situation. Wishing you all the best!

Noise cancelling earphones are a God send. Watch a comedy during treatment. The first treatment is long and boring

Massive pat on your back for all your efforts to be a support for your wife. Please know that this time is the worse and it does get easier. All the strange new things you are getting unto will become routine and she and you will find out how she reacts and what works for her. This will help with any anxiety. Take each day/treatment at a time. I had 5 months of chemo in 2013/14 (AC 4 times fortnightly and 12 Taxols) Do not borrow worries about the future including future treatments. Concentrate on this time and though it might not feel like it 'This time will pass'

For chemo, the best thing I had was company and distraction,and definitely a lift home! The hospitial had free WiFi so I planned some good shows on Netflix ( there's also Amazon Hulu and HBO etc) and got a double connector form iPad for our headphones so any companion and I could watch the same show. IF there is no good WiFi -download the shows. I'm a Brit so watched some great British Shows such as Vicar of Dibley, Downton Abbey, Call the Midwife (good job we had headphones for the birth in there episodes) etc - anything fun and lighthearted is good. Take rugs/comforters/cardigans as hanging around can be cold.

A big recommendation I always make with chemo - is keep ahead of the side effects. Zofran for nausea (I had none until I stopped it early and then boy did I realize what a great pill this was for me) and as this (and other drugs) may cause constipation - keep ahead of this too. Pre-emptive Laxatives are a godsend -its only when you need it but best planned for!

Getting out in the fresh air and walking - sometimes only gently taken - is so good for the patient and everyone at this time as cabin fever can strike!

Best of luck

I wish your wife comfortable treatment, minimal side effects and speedy recovery.

Sarah

Great report on the situation John; you could write the manual for all caregivers of bc patients, male or female. Love the last paragraph joke. Best wishes to you both.

John you sound like a fantastic husband, you remind me of my wonderful man. The one good thing that came out of this miserable experience is the closeness it brought to us. After 20 years of marriage we had fallen into taking each other for granted much of the time, and this was a reminder of how much we truly valued having the other in our life.

On top of the other great suggestions, I needed (still need) lots of hugs. Just hold her, the safety of your loving arms makes everything okay for a little while. We also spend every evening snuggled together on the couch, even though I've never watched much TV and don't like the shows he likes, it's more important for us to spend time together. Keeping a sense of humor is important, but watch for her cues to know when it is okay to joke (my husband wouldn't dare joke about my hair falling out, but when it started to grow back in he lovingly called me "his little q-tip" because of my fuzzy white head). I went through a lot of guilt about my husband having to take over most of the household chores much of the time, on top of his working 6 days a week, but he never once complained and always reassured me. He leaves me a little love note every morning and even if I'm having a bad day, I start my day with a smile knowing that he's there for me. In the beginning I was happy to have my husband attend every chemo infusion, at least while they did my bloodwork and hooked me up, but after a while it became routine. As soon as I could drive myself to and from, I preferred to go alone because there was no need for him to be away from work (it just added to my guilt) and I could rest/sleep in the chair instead of having to be social. So it's also important to know when to give her some space.

The most important piece of advice I can give any care giver is to please take good care of yourself! In the beginning my husband was a wreck with worry, grief (I was Stage IV de novo with an extremely aggressive cancer), and trying to take care of me and everything else that needed to be done, but I was too sick to see how much he was struggling. He was on the verge of a breakdown until his sister flew out to help us get things on track and give him a break from care taker duties. I have to remind him all the time that I need him, which means that I need to him to take good care of himself so he can be there for me haha! That means eating right even when I can't, getting enough sleep and making time to relax, both of us learning to let it go if the house isn't as clean as we would like, and most importantly having someone trusted that he can talk to about his emotions and even vent when he needs to. And don't be afraid to ask for help from family and friends, it's a lot to handle for both of you.

Good luck to both of you. Your wife is very lucky to have you.

Hi John - you are a terrific husband. Just like mine. He even married me in the middle of chemo! A sense of humor in all things is a huge gift and it sounds like you have it. Good for you. And you are living very much up to that vow you took some time ago - in sickness and in health. A lot of people think it's only going to be health and can't handle it when it isn't. You are not only a good man but a strong one as well.

Your last entry on this list was last Feb It is now Aug. 2. How are you and she doing? I hope and pray that things have gone well for you both. Perhaps you and she are at the end of treatment or close. Be well.

Gussy