How to support my wife

Rondeezee

John,

You are a great man and your wife is blessed to have you. Nice to hear that your wife is doing well and things are looking up for both of you. God Bless

oxygen18

"So my question is to those wives that have cancer how can I support and comfort my wife."

John, first answer would be: you need more than 5.5 hours of sleep. If giving help comes easier than receiving it, then now is the time to practice asking and accepting help. Perhaps your daughters can pitch in instead of making requests. And it doesn't all have to be perfect, it's ok to cut a few little corners if that will enable you to get at least 7 hrs sleep so you can stay healthy and continue to be her wonderful caretaker.

Sending lots of good wishes to both of you.

Traveltext

It may seem counterintuitive, but in this situation the most important person is the caregiver. Especially with those self-absorbed daughters, you need to look after yourself, because if you fall apart for any reason, your wife will be in a fire situation. Keep up the good work, but get more sleep and keep yourself fit and well.

edwards750

What a loving and caring husband you are. Your wife is blessed to have you.

I agree you have to take care of yourself too. More times than not the caregiver suffers as much as the patient. My FIL tried valiantly to take care of my MIL when she was DX with Alzheimer’s disease. He finally had to get help elsewhere. He was beyond exhausted.

Of course BC is a different disease. I didn’t have chemo - only radiation - 33 treatments. I went to my treatments by myself but not because my husband didn’t want to. My treatments only lasted a short while. He did accompany me to my appointments. I am 7 years out this month.

I think what you are already doing is awesome. Your wife is onan emotional and physical roller coaster. The shock and side effects that follow treatment are beyond overwhelming.

There are women on this website who had husbands desert them in their hour of need and that’s unforgivable.

We are all pulling for you and your wife. Keep the faith and keep us posted.

Diane

John1959

I never spoke about my children. I guess I assumed you would know they were just as helpful. My oldest is a single mother and we have a super great 2 year old grand daughte. My youngest lives 2 hrs away and in the course of her employment spend many mouths in place I don't want to go. Sorry if your children don't help out.

I am a cancer survivor too, going on four years cancer free. No big deal just lucky I guess. We have a farm so with two jobs early hours and late evenings is a way of life. Girls are home this weekend and have been cutting alfalfa all day. I think they just like the a.c. and music in the tractors.

Now on taking care of my wife. The diet right now has been the issue. That last chemo rounds has it hard. What she has been eating so far is the following. Taste is the issue. However she loves lemonade. Not store bought so I had to learn how to make it. She wanted it just like her mother made but the only problem we lost her last year. So I had to learn how to make fresh lemonade. After several trys I was able to get close. In any event my wife likes it and that is what counts. She lost her taste for meats. Lucky for us we have a lot of sweat corn planted. My wife's favorite meal is sweet corn and a good old fashion tomato salad. I know not much of a dinner but she eats well. The other big hit is scrambled eggs with cheese or mash potatoes and cheese mixed with it. Sometimes honey works if in it meat up and make a honey sauce to go over it. Breakfast is some type of chocolate power drink.

The other big hit has been fried chicken. Yep 45 min round trips to KFC but if she wants it I go get it. I know this doesn't sound like a big list of foods but it is the way it is right now. She is eating so I'll take it.

I'm a little unsure if we will make it to the ball game. It is a two hour drive and my wife has really been tired today. A friend gave us good tickets so I told her we can watch the game in a air conditioned booth.

In any event I now don't have to ask want my wife wants, I'm able to think ahead. It is not easy as a husband going through your wife having cancer. Really I understand the changes we as husband's have to make in our own lives. For me my wife is the world to me. So I didn't second guess the changes I had to make. So all you husband's your wife needs you more than ever now. If it is hard for you just start taking little steps. I know we have our things to do or like to do. Beleive me those can wait. Even if you cant cook or iron you can learn. Honestly sitting on the porch with my wife has been better than go doing my guy things. I found I don't miss them like I thought I would.

What my wife needed was a husband. I feel so bad it took her getting sick to get one.

Ladies what I can tell you is don't be bitter. Yeah we got cancer. Cry for that first week like I did with mine and then another week when my wife got it. Then start living again, don't be bitter, enjoy every day. Cancer changed me for the better. Dam shame I wasn't this smart prior to the day cancer enter out lives. My wife should have hit me on the head with a iron skillet years ago.

John1959

We got some good news. The Chemo treatments have done their job. From my understanding the tumor has shrunk to the point they can find it. There is a space or signs of where it was but no tumor. I don't understand this but we were told that is a good sign. My wife will have surgery on Sept 6 to remove her breast. I have taken a full week off of work to be home with her. I guess we will now more details after the surgery. Hopefully we will also get good news after this.

People this has been a long road to this point. Just about 9 months and the last three were the worst when her treatment was changed.

This weekend I rented a house at the local ski resort to get my wife out and for a little vacation. She doesn't know it but Saturday evening I have planned a small party for her. Just her six sisters and six brothers. Yes she comes from a family of 13. I thought she would enjoy some time with them.

As far as I know my wife was never depressed and I believe supporting her every day helped. I'm sure she had bad days that she just didn't share with me. I would do it all over today, love and support can go a long way.

She is going to only have one breast removed and has elected not to have reconstruction surgery. It wa explaimed to her that this type of cancer is more likely to show up in another place than her other breast. It was her choice and I support if though I was hoping she would habe the other one removed to.

I don't know if I helped anyone. I hope I did. Guys it isn't that hard to change and become that rock. It is amazing how much of a positive impact we can have by just being there. I'm not special or even superman. I'm just a regular normal husband. My wife is the special one, all that I did was be a husband. Being a husband is doing the right things and I deserve no special accolades for that.

Wish her luck. Thanks for letting me post a little bit about our special trip.

Leatherette

Hi John,

Great news! Best to both of you, and thanks for recognizing that you are doing what should be expected of a regular normal husband. I have one, too, but too many people don’t know what that means.

To continued good news,

L.

MiCyn

I too have a good one ..He's a keeper..Lol

Enjoy life ! That's my plan... My best to all , Cyn

John1959

Well my wife had her surgery last Thursday Sept 6th.

This has been the longest and hardest 9 months for both of us, of course twice as much for my wife. I remember it all from the day she said she had to have a biopsy then a few days later coming home crying. She got the phone call driving home from work. Then there was 26 weeks of chemo, bad blood counts, lost hair, sickness, fatigue and much more that I have trouble putting into words. I watched the season change looking out the window of the chemo clinic. I cried each time my wife was so sick and could not get out of bed.

I learned watch she needed from support to house chores and much much more.

We held hands, hugged and when she was into it we went for rides. I did my best to come up ways to cook but in the end my wife lost weight, a lot of weight.

In love my wife and was with every step of the way.

She _{elected to be treated locally in a small hospital. I laugh because no matter what time of day it is yoir only a two minute walk from where you park. Heck the ER only has 5 rooms. But what they had was a great cancer center with a better doctor.}

_{On Thursday in a two and a half hour surgery my wife had her left breast removed. Going into the surgery we knew we had a chance to beat the olds. The tests prior to surgery indicted that the chemo did it's job. They removed three lymph nodes and they came back negative. So she was lucky they did not have to take any more out and finished the surgery. The doctor felt very confident after the surgery.}

_{My wife came home on Friday less than 24 hours after surgery. The strange thing or at least I thought it was strange she had no pain and could move around with no problems. In fact going on four days she has not taken any pain medicine, except for a few tylonyl.}

_{Today was he follow up and the pathology report was in. The doctor said she looked great and said there is no signs of cancer anywhere. I don't know how things work, I honestly don't. The doctor said she beat it and was technically cured. She had a name for it but I never registered it in my head. I think back to the day when I asked this doctor if she was any good. Yes I actually asked her that face to face. Her reply has been cemented in my brain ever since. Her reply was that the Windber Hospital was lucky to have her.}

_{I loved that lady almost as much as my wife.}

_{So where did it go? Why did my wife get a break? I don't know those answers though the doctor credited to GOD. I'm not religious though I just might stop in church this weekend to say thank you.}

_{We are so happy today. Yes we know that even with today's news she still has to recover some more and monitor her body every six months. We thought of death back in January. I mean who doesnt think that way at the beginning. She fought very hard through 26 weeks of chemo. She never complained one day. Today we both got a second lease on life.}

_{Thank you DR. SIMS, CHAN SOON -SHIONG MEDICAL CENTER AT WINDBER and the JOYCE MURTHA BREAST CARE CENTER. Thank you DR AWAN, UPMC MEDICAL CENTER ONCOLOGY JOHNSTOWN, PA.}

_{Thank you on this site for letting me post and ramble. Believe me I keep things in so just posting gave me some one to talk to.}

_{Thanks to our friends who prayed and came by to help. Thanks to the big guy, yeah I will be there for the first time in 20 years on Sunday.}

_{Most of all I'm a changed person. Thank you again for helping me and ladies out there remember there is hope. God bless all of you who is dealing with the terrible thing. Catch it early, remember it was an additional enhanced mri after a negative biopsy along with a doctor that just didn't feel right about it that caught it early or it would have been passed over until the December.}

MuddlingThrough

John1959, I rejoice with you and your wife and hope every follow up visit she has will bring this kind of great news. All the best!!

Micmel

what I just read is so sad and beautiful at the same time. What a special thing to read for your wife's best interest. And above all the obvious love. I know it well.. my DH is exactly like that and he takes care of me. He is my strength and my soul. It sounds like you are hers. Just continue telling her she is beautiful and take her lead. She may go through some heavy heat flashes, body heat makes it worse so she might feel warm a lot. The chemo can be tough. Try some fruit flavored water, cut strawberries up and put them in the water. I lost some taste and most people's favorite things change some. I am so proud to read that there are real menout there who won't turn and run from this... leaving a heartbroken woman alone to fight. You're a good man. I wish you both nothing but the best. ~M~

John1959

Well we are just over a year from that first phone call. My wife had a follow up MRI last week. They have found something in her other breast. Talk about the world crashing for a second time. No crying tonight but no talking either, really a weird cloud in the room for both of us. All we know is there is a deep spot in her other breast. It is smaller but the same as the first one deep against the chest wall.

A lot of questions more unknown at this time. More testing is it cancer, cyst or a lymph node. Should she just get the other breast removed. I don't want to go through chemo again. Another summer lost.

Man I have to find the strenght again to help her through this. I will be honest last year took a hidden toll on me. Too many questions right now, maybe it's nothing, maybe it's something. Do we cancel our vacation plans, figures it is our first one in 15 years.

I can't make her comfortable tonight, I know or have learned when to back off. Tonight is one of those nights as she needs her space.

Things float in my mind, trips for chemo, comfort her when she's sick, understand when she takes her frustration out on me, understand her emotions. Oh god how I wished I had this cancer and not her.

I will keep my fingers crossed this is nothing. All along deep inside I didn't think we would out run this. However I thought we would have more time prior to dealing with the return.

Tonight I'm going to give her space maybe make her a hot chocolate.

Traveltext

Well, don't panic yet John. See what the biopsy shows.

Even with a mastectomy, it's likely that chemo will be required, so you might have a repeat of last year. At least you both know what to expect, and I'm sure you can do it again if you need to.

B-A-P

John

It sounds like what you’re doing is perfect. My husband stepped up in the same ways. During chemo he’d bring food up to me , make me bone broth , he’s accepted my new ways of healthy living even though it drives him crazy sometimes . He’s encouraged me and listens to my fears. He understands , but will talk to me absolutely pull me out of my fears or anxieties. He won’t sugarcoat and give in . For me that works.

DOnt act like she’s dying. Give her hope. Talk about the future.

And make sure to take care of yourself too. It’s hard for me to see him struggle at times and refuse to help himself because he feels like I need it more. I don’t mean to say hide your struggle or feelings , but make sure you’re processing and dealing too. However that is

Go on dates when she’s up to it.

Those are just my thoughts and experiences.

Sounds like you’re being there in the best ways and really, we should all be so lucky