INSOMNIACS place to talk in the wee hours

Here is the picture of the second book by my favorite former English professor.

Of course I can’t sleep tonight. I go to the PS tomorrow for pre exchange visit. (Surgery is end of March). I don’t know if I’m excited or scared.

stopped by to read all. Will probably write tomorrow or soon.

Yes it was a one degree temperature and now none. And no anemia.

Beatmom - I think we have little control over the sleep when it is a physical problem like me when I was coughing all day and night. Or pain. But sometimes I just have to decide this is it. I refuse to give in and get out of bed and eventually sleep takes over. How it has been lately anyway.

Watching the birds on feeder baskets along deck.

Wren - hyacinths, daffodils and even tulips like the cold and will even handle snow. Also star of Bethlehem, snowdrops.

KIRBY - having fun in the snow. Danny Boy's favourite thing is snow. Then me. He would probably lay down and let Kirby run circles around him while he laughed and ate snow.

Jaymed - my daughter was also invested. She brought them home and we found the lost owners and or a new owner. But when she moved out she left me w a pile of cats on my front porch. ugh. Dealt w it. I am a one cat only lady. Preferably a skunk though. We did some wildlife rehab and ended up w a skunk to rehab, h couldn't be and was mine. From there I did skunk rescues of domestic skunks that lost their happy homes due to the owners usually not realizing what they were getting into. Newfoundlands have always been adopted at around 3 to 4 yrs old, they lost their happy homes too. But out first Newfoundland was a 10 wk old puppy, Orson. Newfie puppies are cut and then they are pups and more than I can handle. I prefer older dogs just getting the spit and vinegar out of them. My DD is 33 and GD is 12. I was dx w stage 4, it had already clouded my lungs and gone into the lymph nodes though not liver until 2016. Some days I do not feel so full of life or anything. Bogged down by trying to figure this out again and again. Never having an answer or doctor stick is a real problem. Then there are days when I just say to hell w it and write and have fun. I am now taking off every Friday, Saturday and Sunday, no appts or scans or tests or anything. I will cut back on Thursday too after this week is over, have the medical pain exam for the accident tomorrow and meet w my attorney this afternoon. And they want me to see yet another doctor for pain test and testimony in court, that will rob me of yet another 8 hrs of my life.

LoverofLife - I don't know why I had the one degree temp - but I know now it is not sick and labs say not anemia, so I am feeling poorly and not happy about that. The tomatoes - Hubby opened the largest can he could find of course. I forget he does that stuff but am never surprised. They were fire roasted whole so the inside juices had not been cooked. I will make stewed out of them soon. The soup is better but most everything is tasting sour to me lately. And if it is not smoothie, pureed, baby food then it just sticks at my tender tummy and my body balks at eating again.

Mags - sometimes we forget you need hugs daily. ((((Magdalene))) Here's a picture for you. A cornflower meadow in dappled sunlight.

Long, pointless ramble. Do not read if you are not in the mood to be annoyed. You have been warned.

The past year with cancer has been .... like it didn't really happen. Only it did. But I can't believe it. But I can. There are scars. There is pain and swelling. There is doom and gloom and writing wills and giving away items that are precious now rather than later. Hub went back to his normal life, which is for him the familiar and safe floaty boat that he climbs into and bobs along when the going gets rough. And I LOVE my Hub, yes I do, and I know this is hard on him, yes it is. And I should be happy that he is in his floaty boat happily living life, refusing to let any other realities alter his path. Because that's how he feels safe. But what I really want to do is swim over to his floaty boat and stick a big knife in it and watch as it fizzles and sputters and he can use his hard hat to bail it out. Ha ha. Sorry. Not sorry. I feel like I was hurled off the dock, a passing shark took a big bite out of me, the bastard is still circling in the water and Hub is happily floating along on his floaty boat, oblivious.

This winter has sucked and been very hard. As I said, life went back to normal for everyone except me. I am not angry at them (although I do want to deflate the floaty boat) but I am angry. I look back over the past 40 years and think, who am I? What have I done that matters? If I could do anything I want, what would it be? (long, blank pause). If I am on borrowed time, which we all are, really. But if I am on borrowed time that I have been made painfully aware of, should I spend it washingcookingcleaningfoldingvacuumingfeedingdogchickenhorsesgroceriesmowingwindowwashing? My space bar did not break. My life feels like a repetitive wheel of endless housework and drudgery and I have howled about this before. Howled about this for 40 years. I need to do something different. I know this. This is not news.

But here's the catch. If I go rogue, do something so utterly radical, blow my world apart and the floaty boat with it, will I regret it? Will I look back on the hum-drum this is and think, I had it good, I should have treasured that?

If I DO NOT do anything radical, if I set my sights on finding happiness and joy right where I am, which so far has been pretty elusive, if I do not make a change, will I regret it? Will I think on my deathbed, shit, I should have gone bonkers and run away with the circus when I had the chance?

I am of two minds, and neither is worth a damn.

Has your experience with cancer brought you more fully and deeply into the life you are living right this minute? Or has it propelled you in a different direction, clarifying that the time for change is now?

And thinking of this stuff at almost midnight is why I don't sleep!

Miss Blue - Looove the wildflowers! Beautiful picture; Like peeking into a secret fairy land. As for your tummy.....how do you do with yogurt? I mainly dine on low fat vanilla flavored yogurt with fruit mixed in. Fresh, frozen or canned all taste so yummy 😋

Mags!!!! You have been very much so missed. Your roses are always so perfect! Always enjoy your pics.

Loverly - I know you are thinking I did something that I didn't do. I would have have, but was too tired 😇💤

Junie - So happy you got the doc you wanted!

Sending out gentle (((hugs))) to Miss Blue, Mags, Beatmon and all my dear Owlie Sisters.

I shall add "Ellie Mae Looking for Spring" to the flower gallery 🐶

Shepkitty - I was wondering when you were going to post another pic of Miss Ellie. She is officially a spoilt princess I see.

Flowers are so lovely. Roses, trees.

Mags - whoosh so many roses!

Junie - Danny Boy would have to be careful not to step on Kirby. He loves little dogs.

Sas - It would be toxic to be in Steam Room all the time, but the support system of readers is needed and by giving I think the toxicity is lessened. We appreciate you started it. The Stupid thread was a place to dump but it was almost expected to be in the form of a joke. And the Bonfire of the goddesses was a dump thread but short dumps, no diarrhea. Both stagnant now though they may live again.

Going to get Bowen therapy for my back being out. sigh At least I don't have to leave home to do it.

Later ladies.

Sas - the cry was quite healing. I have cried for various reasons the last week... frustration, anger, longing memories of my mom, despair, shame, anger, sadness, even hope and appreciation made the cry interesting. Have not cried so much maybe ever. Real tears that were blotted up by the Sjogrens. Now that and lupus seem to be in remission from taking Xeloda, there is room for more ways to heal.

Sas - that's one way to delete a computer. I have often threatened to take mine into the woods and leave it there for three full days. Then return for it, either to take it home after it has thought about what it has done OR to mash it with a sledge hammer and then become a potter or something hopefully non-stressful. But since writers need their computers then here we sit.

Mags - so beautiful. Now is the song singing from the earworm hallucination or from deep within your heart? I think that perhaps he is with the flowers and thinking of you.

Hey Blue, that’s a great question, and I think I have an answer. I’ve had this all my life, and apparently most of my immediate family do too. Not my cousin, though, which is why I think it came from my dad. Although mom was very musical, had a beautiful soprano voice, sang at her high school graduation, and in choirs as long as she was able, there wasn’t always music in the house when dad was at sea, that I remember. But my dad collected music, mainly classical, opera, and broadway musicals. After he retired from the Navy, he would go to the base library and check out (vinyl) records, and go home and record them on his reel to reel. So when he was home, after he retired, music was always coming from the inner sanctum. A lot of the music I carry in my head is from that exposure. But it wasn’t just the exposure, because siblings recall the music as being oppressive, and have no affection for classical, etc. whereas I still hear snatches of them constantly.

But it wasn’t until a conversation with Sassy some time last year that we tracked down the syndrome and identified it (because that’s what we do on the phone!). And that I learned that not everyone hears music in their head all the time! I see it differently now, as a gift, and I actually observed how I channel it and control it. For instance, if I am on the verge of a depressive episode, certain pieces or songs will start to play. If I allow them to continue, they can feed the depression. But if I change the “jukebox” (as I think of it) I can reorder my thoughts as well and avoid the negative. Another thing that happen is actually closer to the conventional understanding of the ear worm, and that is a song that keeps playing, repeats and repeats, until it becomes annoying or even, in the extreme, sickening. When that happens, actually playing something different on my phone helps break the cycle.

I think what happened with the flowers was a different sort of thing - you are correct in your assessment of it coming from deep within my heart. I’ve been listening to a couple of different albums on my phone lately. One is an older one, 1997, called City of Gold; the other a newer one, from the Gaithers, called Going Home. It’s a compilation of clips, some longer, some short, from their Homecoming Series, about death and Heaven, and there was a short clip of The Prettiest Flowers. So that was the origin of the ear worm, and finally I just had to do some research and find out who sang it on the album. That led me to the Isaacs playlist. Then, as I was sitting here signing papers and thinking about how different buying this house is, doing it by myself, and I just thought of David and how he hated the smell of roses until I started growing them and cutting them for the house. He had probably only ever smelled florists’ roses, at funerals. But in the 90s I found one of my favorites, called Tiffany, which is an old hybrid tea that actually won awards for its strong fragrance, which I liken to sticking your nose in a bowl of raspberries. And the plant I found was actually a climber, and over the years we were in that house, it grew up to the 2nd floor windows. Unfortunately, due to a neighboring mulberry tree, it didn’t get enough sun after May or so, so it stopped blooming, although after the mulberry shed its leaves in the fall we might get a couple of blossoms.

David figured out that he’d never smelled REAL roses before. I wonder what heaven’s roses smell like?

Mags - Not like your gift, but I hear music, choirs and such so often. Over the sound of the shower or when there is a din from the television and I am nearby, the music kicks in. Seldom words. More of a full orchestra and choir. Or an angelic voice. But not all the time.

When friends and I went to Sedona long ago there was a fountain in the house we rented for 10 days. Sitting quietly in the living room one could hear voices of the native Grandmothers talking in their language. Sometimes them singing. It was eerie and captivating. I could hear, a few other women could too, not all. Water carries music, memories, miracles.

We had music in elementary school and onward. But at age 14 this was actually my introduction to music This one on my stepdad's album and he couldn't get over that I loved this music. Forget 1970s rock n roll, I loved the R&B from two decades before and forward to mid-sixties.

and this from Peer Gynt of all things, he had the entire recordings of the play.

Blue~ I am thankful that you are able to cry. The body does release hormones to help us when we cry.

Here is an excerpt: “ In fact, one study collected both reflex tears and emotional tears (after peeling an onion and watching a sad movie, respectively). When scientists analyzed the content of the tears, they found each type was very different. Reflex tears are generally found to be about 98 percent water, whereas several chemicals are commonly present in emotional tears [Source: The Daily Journal. First is a protein called prolactin, which is also known to control breast milk production. Adrenocorticotropic hormonesare also common and indicate high stress levels. The other chemical found in emotional tears is leucine-enkephalin, an endorphin that reduces pain and works to improve mood. Of course, many scientists point out that research in this area is very limited and should be further studied before any conclusion can be made.“

https://www.google.com/amp/s/science.howstuffworks.com/amp/life/inside-the-mind/emotions/crying1.htm

Hugs

Love the music videos. Here is one of my favorites:

Mags, thank God the auditory hallucination is music rather than voices

Very happy to hear that you are buying a new house. Saw the photo of it. Beautiful! Curious what the inside looks like.

Shep, I love the photos of Ellie. Hopefully, the med works and she is no longer Smelly Ellie. Poor baby.

JunieB, yay! Wisdom to neurosurgeon.

Ms. Sas, hope the back roll helps.

Had lunch with the Sacto ladies last Friday. As usual, not enough time

LoverofLife now it is unusual to find music videos with farm life, cool. I really had fun watching that one. Imagine living on a peaceful farm like that one. All green.

Yes, Junie, those are in the front yard. A huge old bush.

Junie - at least you knew when to give up on the bananas. And on the Ibrance note, that is why we have to do this on our own somehow. I had surgery and was never ever told not to have a blood pressure cuff on that arm, no labs, and what to do to avoid lymphedema. About 5 months later I found BCO and info. How did I find bco? Because the bc nurse navigator at the hospital where the surgeon was made a special trip to my appt to give me the huge folder the surgeon's office had been hanging on to through all my December appts, never gave it to me. Bless her heart, I found you guys finally. That was back in Jan 2012.