BC Husbands and Boyfriends Hangout

Hello All, I'm Martin in Arkansas. I'm a newbie here, here's my related story. I'm 51, my wife is 48 and this past summer she was diagnosed with BC for the 3rd time. The first time we were in our late 30's, with kids at home. She had a lumpectomy on one side, lymphglands removed on the same side, chemo, radiation, pills afterwards. She was still cancer free 5 years after the first diagnosis so we figured that was it. Then mid March 2004 after a trip to Disney World over New Year day, she discovered a small lump on the lumpectomy scar. Turned out to be BC again. This time we went the double mascetomy route with reconstruction, then chemo again (different drugs), and to our surprise her oncologist suggested we see the radiation Dr again. The have some new machines with very precise aiming. So she went through radiation again. Bad part, due to future concerns of her skin healing abilities, it was recomended that her implants be removed. All of this was very difficult for her (all the surgery and tubes). And she went through chemical menapause too, lost most of her sex drive ( plus tires easily, uncomfortable, sometimes painful) During all of this second occurance, she somewhat pushed me away, withdrew into herself, pretty much ignored me saying she was going to put all her energy to staying alive. What was I to do, so I decided to get myself healthy, I did the South Beach Diet, dropped 80 lbs, I started a simple exercise program, and I got in better physical shape then I was at 35. I also took on most of the laundry, cooking, yard work, house maintenance, and other regular chores in addition to my regular sales position. This past summer she has found and had removed 3 small skin lumps containing BC cells, and she is currently on Ziloda. She still looks like a mid 30 yr old woman, very attractive, slender/petite, and I tell her. We got her some prostetic devices so in her clothes she feels complete. She is an active walker, gone back to work full time at the preschool at our church, the kids are both in college, I'm still at my weight loss goal from 2 years ago, just about everything is normal and better than before... but the missing sex. We have gone to a counselor on and off, separately and together, we talk about sex, we've talked about separating, we touch and hold and kiss. It can all work out, you just have to really work at it. We're still trying. And so are the medical researchers. I'm glad I stumbled across this forum. I was begining to wonder if anybody really cared about the significant other.

oooo so pretty Mags! I love the trail to it, reminds me a small country church.

Hi Larry - sometimes you can't really say anything that will make your wife feel better. The fear is so overwhelming at times, most of the time actually. What helps is that she knows that you are in this together and that you are willing to listen. Having someone close to you, someone who is willing to help and show genuine concern is what helps. Having to go through this alone is terrifying. I've been reading some of your wife's posts - she sounds like she has a great sense of humor. She also sounds scared - entirely normal. She will get through this, as we all do. I do believe though that we are different people because of this. Our thoughts and dreams are affected. Physically, we are way different, it takes a lot of adjustment to get used to the "new me". I think we all wish we could go back to the way we were before, but that's not happening. Our priorities change. Everyone deals with it in their own unique way. It is also be a very difficult time for you also. Spend time together and try to have some fun. Take care of each othere. Good luck to you both. - Sandy