Despair and kids
I have my 1st oncology appt tomorrow, I know things should get better after treatment, but I'm not there yet. How do I make it through right now?
I fear the worst. I spend all day crying or in a daze. I can't sleep or eat. I homeschool my 3 children aged 3, 8 & 10. This is every parent's worst nightmare, but with homeschooled kids, they don't get a reprieve from my grief and I'm bringing them into my swirling vortex of despair.
I just want to escape. I feel like I'm free falling with no net and can't catch anything to stop my fall. I sleep 4 hours with Ambien then pop back awake into this nightmare. I have an appt with my primary for anxiety meds on Monday, but this seems far away. Watching my children go down on my sinking ship intensifies my guilt and sadness.
I apologize if this is too much sharing, but I am feeling desperate.
Comments
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In the beginning forget about taking it day by day. You will have changing emotions minute by minute. It's a grieving process. Try to be good to yourself. It must be hard to get alone time when your homeschooling. Maybe see if any family members can help you out while you navigate through it all.
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My parents are on a cruise. I think they will be home this weekend. I do not look forward to sharing the news, but am missing my mom. My husband is doing his best, but he has to work.
We usually spend our days doing fun activities around town and one on one work at home, but I can't pull myself together to do much with them right now. Just bringing them to art class this morning and the little one to story hour had me exhausted and weepy yesterday. PBS played all day the day prior. I am thinking I should put them in some kind of care, but don't want to traumatize them more with new changes. I'm looking at a part time school for the big kids and preschool for the little. They are all so attached and will not welcome this idea.
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I'm so sorry you are going through this with young children. Just not fair! Try to remember this is the worst part. Kids are very resilient. I'm sure your mom will be supportive and help you with the children. Hang in there. We are all here for you...
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Magnolia, we hate that you have to be here, but glad you've found this wonderful Community!
We know it's scary and overwhelming right now, so we encourage you to use this place for support and information as you begin down this road. We thought the following articles from our main site may be of help:
Talking to Children in Times of Uncertainty
Please keep us posted on how everything is going, we're thinking of you!The Mods
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Magnolia:
I'm so sorry you've had to join our club but am so glad you found us. You're not alone, so come here whenever you need to. Ask any and all questions. We UNDERSTAND.
I also have a son, 9 @ diagnosis, and he was my most vulnerable segment (if that is the way to say it) of my journey. Just thinking about what I could miss with him, ugh, tore me up. But my son has been super positive, and really, he can't truly understand what all this means. Or is. And your children likely will not, either. The fact that you're feeling guilty means you are trying to be the best mom you can be...but right now...you have to come first for a while. But at the same time still be a mom. So if something slips for a few months, your children will survive and be fine. And you may have to lean on people in a way that is new, too, just for a bit.
I promise you that once you get a handle on your diagnosis -- more information, more knowledge, a treatment plan in place -- this gets easier. The crazy, middle-of-the-night anxiety fades a bit as we cope.
Come back when you have more information and those with a similar diagnosis can address specific questions you may have.
Give yourself some time to manage all this. You don't have to be a supermom right now.
{hugs}
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Magnolia just wanted to reach out to you. It's definitely so hard with the kids around. I am kinda of my DD mouthpiece in this whole thing. She was diagnosed at 25, nursing her 2nd daughter. BTW her GYNO did not want to give her a presciption for a Mammo, he said she was too young to have a/t. I kid you not. Well she paid out of pocket and in 3 days she had a lumpectomy and the rest is HX.
The reason i'm telling you this, it's because i want to impart to you that you could do it. I take Celexa now, she was having a very hard time lately and i was in full panic attack. It does help, you still aware of e/t that's going around, but you probably won't be crying all day (nothing wrong with that, but if you want to have it controlled because of the kidos..) I also take ambien - after reading on the internet, a lot of ppl said that if you cut the 10mg in half is just as potent. That's what i did, it gives me 3 hrs and then i pop another one when i wake up. You are totally right, laying in bed is probably the worst time for the demons to come. Don't let them.
When you can give us some info of your status if you have like ER PR etc... and what your plan is, was is DCIS? or... -
You will get a plan and then you will be able to feel better knowing that you are doing something. Also, from experience i'd tell you make sure to keep copies of all blood tests, any scans you have done, etc...i and many others in these threads have found it much easier to get it after each test, if you wanna go sometime down the road for a 2nd opinion you would not have to go begging your doctor's office for these results.
Do let us know how you are, and try to go to the thread most similar to your situation, you could learn and have support from all the wonderful ladies. Also, from experience and from other ladies think before you tell someone, tell whomever you feel comfortable with, but i'd tell you not to rush and tell e/o right away, when you are after the shock you might want to do things differently.
Warm Hugs,
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Dear Magnolia Mom, I homeschooled my children, who are now all grown now and am going through the process of diagnosis. I often think of what it would have been like to go through this when they were little. My heart goes out to you and your children.
I'm an herbalist and wonder if some herbs or flower essences may help you through the weekend? Flower essences may help your children too. Bach Flower Remedy is for stress and shock and ashwagandha is a wonderful herb for stress and sadness. It's wonderful in warm milk/almond milk and helps with sleep. My mother just died and these herbs helped during hospice and especially in the last week of her life.
And, please don't worry about your children seeing you break down and cry... it's a beautiful teacher for being present during the worst of times and it will help your children to know it's okay to cry whenever they are sad or in shock. You are being real - and that's what homeschooling is all about. Of course you are going to be crying and afraid right now, of course. Hug them... and your pets... and let them all love on you.
Again, my love to you - and feel free to send me a private message if you'd like other suggestions for other herbs to try if that resonates at all. -
Maybe hire a teacher for them, to take over for you at homeschool. You could also look at the Montessori system to pick up the slack in the meantime. The usually have very small classes and are known for their excellent teaching methods. My kids went to private schools, and are doing very well. Perhaps the private school for your older ones and a pre school for your youngest one?
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Thank you everyone. Your support is so helpful.
My oncologist prescribed anti anxiety meds and the Lexapro seems to be helping with the crying.
Hadiya, thank you for the herbal suggestions. That sounds like a great idea. I wonder if I could find them at Whole Foods?
My poor 3 year old is trying so hard to process everything. She wants to pretend animals being sick and giving them meds so they can be happy. So, I'm grateful for the meds if they can keep my tears at bay. I'm still having a hard time giving her my full attention. I keep worrying about possible mets symptoms and looking them up.
Right now, we're looking at getting preschool for the little one because she is the neediest and will probably really like school. She likes a lot of stimulation. My husband thinks we can keep the big kids at home and look into more computer lessons. If this turns out to be metastatic, then I think beginning a transition to school is a good idea. Gah- I hate that I have to consider this.
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Don't think too much about worst case scenarios yet, including mets. I posted on your other thread. Neflix and meds work well.
Maybe you could convince your kid or kids that she is/they are trying school for some positive reasons. If you can be matter of fact about it they will follow suit.
Right now you are conjuring tragedy but not work out as darkly as you are imagining. Get more information and let us know if you want to!
Get copies of all your reports. Sometimes they are on patient portals.
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Magnolia, you are not alone. I understand the guilt you feel about your children seeing you in despair. I too am a mother of three, and I still struggle at times to not go down a dark hole. Your children are with you, now. You're with them; you don't have to shield them from reality. They will give you hope and distraction through this difficult time. Holding you in the light
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Magnolia Mom, yes, Whole Foods will have them. If not, let me know and I'll send them to you.
I'm glad your husband is there with you. It sounds like you two know just what to do.
We live beside a wonderful homeschooling family... wish you were here too because we'd scoop you all up and help out with anything you needed. I hope and pray the love troops are arriving soon. Angels aboard!
Arms around you ~ again, let me know if I can help. XO -
Do you belong to a homeschooling group? Maybe they could help?
You'll have a better idea once you have a treatment plan. It calmed me down to have a plan, and maybe your treatment won't be as punishing as you imagine it might.
Until then, meds and PBS may be the way to go.
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Magnolia, I get it. We went through something similar about 15 years ago, when my DH became desperately ill, went into septic shock and nearly died. I was homeschoolong my 10 & 16 year olds, working part-time as a nurse, and managing our 8yo who has severe disabilities. Although I wasn't the sick one I was beside myself with grief and fear for my husband's life. I couldnt concentrate and I needed to be at the hospital as much as possible (DH didn't know where he was or what was happening to him.) My kids were basically watching "The Lion King" and reading comic books all day for a few weeks there.
When DH came home from the ICU he was weak as a kitten and required my full attention. I took a good assessment of my life and realized the my kids were beginning to suffer from the stress. The 8yo was already in school. I got the other two enrolled and I was amazed at how well they adjusted. A teacher noticed that my 10yo seemed a little withdrawn and got her promptly into a school-based support group for kids undergoing extreme changes (divorce, death of a parent, homelessness). It was called Friendship Club, and she had no idea that it was a therapeutic group. She just thought they met to do crafts and make friends.
I can't even describe the physical relief I felt after making this decision. We finished out the school year with the kids in public school. By the next fall their dad was steadily recovering and I was back in the saddle. We resumed homeschooling without missing a beat.
I wish you peace, in whatever form you may need, to get through this. Having gone through this cancer experience myself, I can only imagine how difficult this is for you.
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It is so comforting to be able to come hear in the wee hours of the night and find all of your warm responses. It is really helping to not feel so alone in all of this.
Hadiya, I can feel your warm hug, thank you.
Leatherette, we've always homeschooled, but still haven't found a group that feels like home. Our current group is very nice, but we are still new with them. Our families' closest friends are our college friends and their children. And they all work.
Mustlovepoodles, I'm sorry you had to go through this with your husband.
I feel fortunate that first, this isn't my children who are ill. But secondly, that they have such an amazing dad. My 3 year old has latched onto a phrase she heard me tell my husband early one morning. "You going to get sick, sick, sick and then you die." It's become her mantra. I'm working on letting her say it and responding with empathy. Trying to explain that everything dies, the doctors will give me medicine, everything will be okay, etc. My husband scooped her up to walk her to sleep and said, "i will take care of all of you." And he can, no doubt. Even with the meds, I can still feel sadness thinking of him going down this road. I watch them all together and can see what this would look like. He is able to be so happy and warm despite this awful disease. I'm blessed.
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Sad to say I’m in a similar situation as I was just diagnosed as well. My children are 2 and 7. I tried explaining to my daughter that there is a monster inside of me that I need to have surgery on to try and kill. I don’t know if that was the best way to explain the situation but was the best I could come up with. I know she doesn’t understand and I don’t expect her to. Your not alone. (Hugs
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Hi Magnolia Mom.
My heart hurts that you are walking this right now. Please pm me if you need any suggestions. I was in a similar situation in 2014 with a newborn & 7 other children under the age of 12. I’m here to encourage you and listen if you need it.
Hugs & prayers
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Nikki- I'm so sorry you are going through this too. Our small ones are so small. Hugs and light to you during this hardship.
SA8PG- Thank you for your empathy. I can not imagine how heartbreaking to go through this with a newborn and so many other beautiful children. I'd love to hear more suggestions. My husband took the kids to his parents' house for the day and I popped another Ativan to keep my heart rate from racing. I'm not sure what to be doing with myself, but think it is good to have a break from my sweet littles.
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Magnolia-mom - I hear your fear and sadness in your post and empathize. My kids were 15, 13, and 10 when I was diagnosed. I know how hard it can be to put on a brave and positive face for your kids.
My recommendation would be to try to change as little as possible right now. My feeling was that my kids had enough to deal with already - they didn't need further upheaval in their lives. The stability of life being mostly what they are used to is important.
I know that it's easier said than done, but try not to project into the future. Things will settle down once a plan is decided on. Maybe try to get a break now and then from the kids - time alone and time with just your husband. And breathe!
Wishing you the best ...
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Notverybrave-- I identify with your name. Thank you for reaching out. My husband was also thinking we should keep the kids home so as not to create too much upheaval, with the exception of putting little miss 3 into preschool. She is a delightful handful. I'm just concerned it will not be like it usually is for the big kids, seeing me tired and laying around, not feeling up to driving them to their meet ups and not having the energy to plan projects. I was thinking a part time school would be a way for them to be free of my illness for a few days a week-- someplace where they can play, be with other kids, participate in planned projects or just do their own thing. The school is child driven. I was planning to propose this to them next week and visit the school with them.
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So sorry that you are here. I haven't homeschooled. So can't really evaluate. But for us with kids coming home from school at 4:00 pm - it's easy to keep life the same as much as possible. I honestly can't imagine how you should do it with 3 kids at home. Please reach out for help. Talk to your family and close friends for help
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Big hugs! I walked around crying for weeks when I was diagnosed. It’s easier once you have a plan, I’m almost done with Rads and I’m feeling much more emotionally stable. I know it’s scary with younger kids but lots and lots of men and women survive breast cancer and go on to live long productive lives. Try not to Google too much and panic.
I homeschooled my kids through my daughters Anorexia treatment which we largely had to do at home and a marriage separation. It was so HARD. I felt like I couldn’t concentrate enough to do a good job. What I did was use a boxed curriculum that was easy to implement and they could do more independently. Sure it wasn’t my best few years of homeschooling but it’s a marathon not a sprint and the oldest two have now graduated from college and the youngest works. They were fine and it helped all of us get through the emotional stress. Homeschooling is hard because you have the kids with you all the time. There is no break from them and it’s hard when you aren’t coping. I’m so sorry you are in this club with us. It sucks, it’s unfair and just awful. Big hugs xx
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I'm feeling really down today. I can't eat without aggravating pain in my abdomen upper right quadrant which has me worried about my liver. This pain has been around for awhile, but worse lately. My lower back also hurts and I worry.
I'm contacting schools today and this makes me so sad. I want to be with my kids-- that's why I homeschool. But I can't be with them now with the pain and worry and soon treatment
My cat scan is tomorrow.
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I'm praying for a good CT scan result!! (((HUGS))))
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Good luck tomorrow. I'm sorry this is tough right now. and you're having to make life changes, even if only temporary (with your children). You're in the worst stage of this (from my memory).
Hang in there and come here when you need to.
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I'm beginning chemo tomorrow. I filled out my profile with the little we know so far. The dr said I may also be 3A, not sure when he will make this decision. PET scan is on Monday. So, still not sure here either.
While anxiety meds are helping a lot, I'm still so scared about leaving my little people. I just don't know how this can get better. Maybe I'm reading too many posts here? It seems like I keep finding someone celebrating a milestone and then they metasticize sometimes in the same year and then gone 2 years after.
Is there any relief in sight
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Hi Magnolia,
I’m so sorry this is so hard right now. I homeschooled my kids and I understand how heartbreaking it would be to put them in school after wanting to homeschool the whole way through. Hopefully once you are sorted you will be able to go back to it. Don’t give up hope that will happen!!! It might be good for you to not have to think about schooling the kids so much and concentrate on getting better.
When I first got diagnosed I read everything, this was after a friend with BC, my daughter who is a Radiation Therapist and my hubby told me not to. Lol.Oops. It both helped and terrified me. Now I have finished Rads and am about to start to start Tamoxifen/Zolodex I have calmed down a bit. I am determined to pack as much into my life as I can so that whatever happens in the future I’ll have made the most of my time here on earth no matter how long that may or may not be. We are all faced with our mortality after a cancer diagnosis. It’s confronting, scary and unfair but we can use it to make changes and live our best lives. Big hugs
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Magnolia, my heart feels for you. When I was diagnosed, my children were 3, 8, and 11, so very similar to yours. I spoke with a child psychologist at MD Anderson, where I was being treated, and she gave me both a script and some insight. If you want to PM me, I would be happy to talk about it with you. Where are you? Im in Houston.
Hugs, MommaGin
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I'm forging a new path now and want to thank everyone so much for reaching out to me in my darkest moments. Your encouragement, advice, support and love were all lights in the dark hole I had dug for myself and were immensely helpful in my not feeling so alone.
I stand now on a precarious stack of blocks of hope that maybe I can have 5, 10, 15! years with my children. That would get my youngest to 18. But as I now rely heavily on my 70 year old mother, I also understand that no amount of years will ever be enough for a mother.
I'm getting linked into local support now, but still appreciate hearing from anyone with a story to tell. It all helps and I appreciate connections.
My parents are stepping up to watch my kids during treatment so care for them is not a problem. My oldest two have been my biggest cheerleaders through my darkness and continue to keep up the morale. I keep my arms open for them as we walk this uncertain path though. My youngest is still struggling. Watching her mommy go through sadness, then get blasted with chemo has been hard on her. I'm sorry to see her struggles, but am giving her lots of love as I feel better for the week. Thanks again.
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There are plenty of stage 3 survivors out there. I'm at 4 1/2 years and doing well. For me the first 6 months (chemo, surgery, radiation) were really tough and then life settled down again. Not ever back to the same as before but do-able. Chemo affects everyone differently. One doctor said it's on a bell curve. Hopefully you'll be on the low end of side effects. Just take it one day at a time.
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