Accepting my capabilities

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Jani_
Jani_ Member Posts: 90
edited January 2018 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

Good morning fellow Met Sisters,

A little bit about me: I was diagnosed in 2007 with Stage IIB lobular breast cancer at the age of 31. After undergoing treatment, I was NED until 2012 when I was diagnosed with mets in my spine.

Last year the mets spread to my hips and pelvis. I've had to stop running, and have some pain, but for the most part I still lead a very active life, or try to at least. I surf, go hiking, play golf, work full-time.

But lately, I've started to struggle.

Apart from the fatigue, I come down with flu, colds and tummy bugs a lot. And then it takes me so much longer to recover from it, than any "normal" healthy person.

I am very blessed to work for a company with people who are sensitive, understanding and supportive of me and the diagnosis. But it feels like I'm letting my colleagues down. We all have deadlines that we are responsible for, but I can fall ill at the drop of a hat, and not pull my weight.

I feel the same with friendships. I'm forever turning down invitations from friends, because I'm sick, or tired.

The biggest blessing in my life is surely my partner of 12 years. She is kind and caring, supportive and understanding. But I feel like it's all so unfair on her as well. We went on an island holiday over Christmas. We had spent months saving, planning and looking forward to the holiday. But 2 days in, I came down with a fever and had to go on to antibiotics. The rest of the time I pretty much spent in the hotel room.

I've still not completely recovered, and 2 days ago came down with some gastro-intestinal issues.

It's just so frustrating! I'm doing all I can to give my body what it needs to be healthy. I eat very healthily, exercise when I can, get 9 hours sleep a night.

Usually I'm a very positive person, but it's becoming increasingly difficult. I feel like I'm getting tired. Tired of fighting the disease. Tired of trying to look healthy. Tired of trying to be strong.

I just want to know if anybody else is experiencing the same issues? Being sick a lot of the time? The feelings of guilt?

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  • ABeautifulSunset
    ABeautifulSunset Member Posts: 990
    edited January 2018

    hi Janine- I do know exactly how you feel. I’ve been Stage 4 bone mets for 6 1/2 years. The past three were the worst as far as side effects and fatigue. I didn’t want to go anywhere, didn’t want to socialize because by 9 or 10 pm I was zonked. I felt so bad for my family because I was often not feeling well enough to go to the market or make dinner. I don’t feel guilty, but I did feel really bad that we were all stuck with this disease. So, I seriously felt either sick or tired for the past three years, and I blame it on two things..SEs of medications and depression. Then two things happened around the same time. I switched treatments and i went on prozac. I don’t know know if was one or both, but i have so much energy again. I feel good most days..even singing and dancing around, chatting up people, hosting a party and working out. I forgot this me existed. I thought the cancer had made me a dull sickly person....but I found myself again.

    I don’t know what meds you are on, but I do recommend a good antidepressant.

    Hope I helped a little....if only to commiserate.

    Stefanie

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  • Jani_
    Jani_ Member Posts: 90
    edited January 2018

    Hi Stefanie,

    Thank you so much for taking the time to reply. And thank you for making me feel less alone in my plight!

    Regarding depression: I have been feeling more and more down lately. A new feeling for me, as I am usually very positive.

    I suppose the adage "Healthy body, healthy mind" works in reverse as well. When our bodies are struggling, it does have an influence on our emotional state.


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  • Tina2
    Tina2 Member Posts: 2,943
    edited January 2018

    CapeTownJanine,

    You're being very hard on yourself. I'm reading a lot of "I should be" and "I should feel" and "This is not me" in your messages.

    I get it. Having rattled around on the emotional roller coaster of Stage IV for a few years, I have some suggestions that may help:

    Please see your Primary Care Provider/Family Practitioner/Internist ASAP for a head-to-toe physical, including blood tests. Remember, your oncologist is focused on the cancer, not your thyroid or the umpteen other organs and systems that can go haywire and affect how you feel. Oncologists are not particularly interested in side effects of treatment either. So see what the story is with your body.

    Then find a good psychologist who has experience in chronic illness with whom you can talk frankly without feeling guilty that you're burdening your partner or your friends. Just a few sessions might help you see your way clear to moving forward. She or he will be able to suggest an appropriate anti-depressant. Two years ago my rheumatologist prescribed a generic for Cymbalta for my arthritis that is also an anti-depressant! I don't feel at all drugged or strange, just more like my "usual self," which is how you want to feel, too.

    Hoping this helps,

    Tina


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  • Jani_
    Jani_ Member Posts: 90
    edited January 2018

    Good morning Tina,

    Thank you for these practical tips. I've made an appointment with my GP for this morning to get the ball rolling on the physical and blood tests.



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