What doesn't kill you makes you stronger. Right or not?

jo6359, sorry to hear that you join our ranks. Yes, loss of control, we all know that feeling well. There is value to be found in the company of others who have been where you are. It changes nothing about your situation, but sometimes you need to know that women, LEGIONS of them, are with you, arms linked, on this solitary, terrifying march. Come to this site and read when you need to know that you are NOT losing your mind and not the only woman to have thoughts that you've never had before.

I didn't want anyone telling me I could beat it because I was "strong". Ick. I wasn't strong, I was horrified and scared out of my mind--still am scared, a lot. My late husband was 49 when he died from cancer, and he was a Green Beret medic who served in Vietnam and came back with a silver star for bravery. If anyone was strong and brave, he was. But he died from an aggressive cancer. I agree that this "let's fight" and "all it takes is bravery" is pervasive in our culture and can be insulting to those of us who are the recipients of such platitudes and memes.

I wanted someone to say "that sucks", and then "I know you're terrified but it's going to be okay", or something similar. The best advice I got was from my grad school mentor, professor, and now friend, who was tx for b.c. while I was in graduate school 7 years before my own dx, and she helped me so much just answering questions. She told me that "it will just be a bump in the road", and while it was a teeth-rattling bump (or series of) she was right.

Claire in AZ

All of your posts are spot on and I can relate to weathering multiple difficult situations prior to my BC DX. Ours was a battleground with our youngest son.

My DH and I went through flipping hell and back with him. I was a nervous wreck, continuously afraid for him and cringed everytime the phone rang late at night. Never a good thing. How we managed to maintain any sense of sanity is beyond me. All of that just prepped me for another crisis. Actually I was kind of numb when they told me. What something else bad to deal with? No surprise.

I’m sick of the cheerleading and pink too. Saying fight and don’t give up is obvious but it does sound like it’s an option. Seriously? We didn’t and don’t have any.

I love the people who don’t have it dispensing advice. Better served to say nothing because you have no clue. It doesn’t define us and frankly we don’t want to talk about it - at least I don’t. Early on yes confiding in a close friend who was a godsend but now not so much. I’m 6 years out last August but despite what’s being promised by some doctors I’m not cured. There is no cure. We are branded with the C word and will be looking over our shoulders for the rest of our lives. That’s the reality.

I know women who lived the good health life and still got it. BC doesn’t discriminate but if you are one of those people, not me by the way, you have the right to wonder what the hell good does it do?

We are all resigned to what we have. What choice do we have? Doesn’t consume me but for now it’s kind of on standby.

By the way I’m not brave either. I followed through with the treatment plan. Nothing more nothing less.

Diane

It sucks.

I was talking to my husband about this thread today and he made what I thought was an excellent observation. Just like each person is different and each cancer can be different - our responses will be as well. Some people may step up with a battle cry and fight, fight, fight. Others - not so much. It's whatever works for you.

And yes - little tolerance for bullshit these days. Trying to figure out how to be that person without leaving everyone wondering who I am ...

"What doesn't kill you makes you stronger."

In my case, I am not stronger. As far as my physical condition, I am definitely weaker. I'm not giving up on fitness as being fit will help me avoid pain. I am in the process of locating a trainer who understands the limitations I have. Also, having cancer has made me less resilient, less courageous, and weaker emotionally. I am more vulnerable, more angry, more fearful - in spite of using all kinds of resources to learn to cope.

Like others I am uncomfortable with talking about cancer as a fight or battle. I dislike that implication that those of us that die are being judged as moral weaklings. I don't like the idea of 'never give up' for the same reason - the implication that someone died because they gave up. People who never give up can still die; people who don't have that attitude may keep living.

One member of my family who had cancer committed suicide when the pain medications ceased to work. Was that the action of a weak person or a strong person? His pain level was out of this world. That kind of suffering would never be soothed by 'don't give up,' 'keep fighting' or 'be strong.'

I think sayings like this (What doesn't kill you makes you stronger, Never give up) are not useful in every situation. I might have been encouraged by them at one time, before the possibility of being killed by cancer became a real threat. I hope no one ever says them to me again.

Blinkie; my thoughts are similar. A positive attitude isnt going to take cancer away. For myself, fighting for the positive attitude means I have less time to dwell on the negative. Sometimes being positive means fewer trips to Crazy Town.

I did live the healthy lifestyle and wondered “what the hell" when diagnosed with BC in December 2018. Lumpectomy Dec 22/18. I lost my Mom to ovarian and my Dad to prostrate so I'm having genetic testing in July. My Rads and hormone therapy starts in a couple weeks and Reading stories on this thread has made me a little less frightened of side effects.

I have always considered myself a strong woman but I am so tired of the “be brave" thing. My feelings are that you shouldn't put the responsibility of being brave on someone battling bc, we are doing the best we can to stay positive and get through this nasty disease. We don't need a constant reminder that we need to be brave or strong, we just need someone to listen to what we are feeling, at that one moment, when we are weak. I guess maybe it’s because people just don’t know what else to say, not sure!!

Thanks for listening.

here's a different take on the words “strong" and “brave" when others apply them to you: doing nothing in the face of adversity is easy. Doing something, especially choosing to go through grueling treatments and procedures that will change you and the life you live as you've known it takes strength and courage. By the same token, it takes strength and courage to acknowledge when its time to give up the fight and face the inevitable head on far earlier than we ever wanted or expected. My experience is that anything that challenges us in a big way (life changing events) make us stronger in many different ways even as they beat us down in others. My new quote on this is:

“What doesn't kill you makes you stronger in ways you may not have known before as it beats you down in others, delaying the inevitable so we can experience another day of what life has to offer with greater knowledge of what can be.”

1) NO, I'm NOT stronger, and 2) no, plus please make sure whomever holds your medical power of attorney (and, hopefully, your entire family) knows what you want in case of a terminal diagnosis. Regarding #1, at diagnosis, I'd already been dealing with a painful, chronic incurable disease that cratered my career, took my life savings and cost me a comfortable retirement. Cancer cost me thousands of dollars out-of-pocket and left me with lymphedema and neuropathy issues that affect my ability to simply open a jar or walk confidently on a slightly uneven surface. The only thing stronger is my realization that one more major health crisis will help make the decision to take a long walk off a short pier an easy one. I'm neither depressed not suicidal. I simply know how important being independent and self-sufficient are for me. Note that is only for me and I recognize that many people have lived long and happy lives needing to depend on others for the most basic of needs.

As to never giving up as long as one's alive, that's the most personal decision one can make and I don't judge the choices others make. I do, however, deeply resent people imposing their religious beliefs on me when it comes to assisted suicide. If you think it's God's will that you writhe in agony when the pain medications stop working, I respect that decision. I don't wish to do so nor do I want thousands and thousands of dollars spent on my medical care if there is no reasonable expectation of recovery or even a peaceful passing.

Although the color pink and the whole idea of breast cancer awareness have been exploited in the most nauseating ways, I still like pink and associate the pink ribbon with helping women facing a terrible disease. (And, yes, I know some men get breast cancer.) I looked to my Viking heritage & visualized myself as a warrior as I drove myself to 13 of 15 chemo appointments and 16 radiation treatments. Having said that, I've made it clear that I'm not really brave because my entering this war was totally involuntary. I'm not going into a burning building to save a helpless child. I'm just trying to survive.

Like some others, I'm disturbed when people say they're survived cancer because of their strength or faith because that implies that those who died clearly must have failed on some level. The first person I met at chemo was a mother who nursed her son through leukemia when he was a toddler. She was initially Stage IA and followed the recommended treatments, including brain radiation, but will never see her son graduate from high school. I would smack someone into the next county if I heard them tell her devastated son or the husband helping her out of the chemo chair that she would have survived if she'd been stronger or more faithful. (And which faith? Does that matter? Is there a correct religion or denomination that protects one from cancer better than others?)

And don't get me started on chirping, "Attitude is everything!" Uh, no, it isn't. Cemeteries are full of people who had positive outlooks on life and I'm sure we've all known some negative, constantly cross people who've survived cancer. Attitude may help you cope with the challenges of cancer treatment, but it's not a shield against dying from the disease.

Whew! I haven't vented like that for a while. It felt quite cathartic.

Lyn

What doesn't kill me, makes me stronger? Nope, it sure doesn't feel that way to me. As a two time survivor of this monster I remember waking up from a nap after my second mastectomy and looking down....I was just heartbroken to see my totally flat chest....I was incredulous that this could actually happen to me again. I have seen many horrible things as a nurse, but, when it's at your doorstep so to speak, well, it takes on a whole different meaning.

This illness has gutted me not only at a physical level, but on an emotional and psychological level as well. It truly has made me feel so wounded. Do I look like this in my daily life? Oh no, I appear totally normal, but, whenever I undress and look down at my nonexistent chest, I just feel so sad for what my body has endured.

When I see ambulances painted pink for the "cure" etc., I just smile to myself and say, oh yeah, I was that naive once upon a time....but, no more. I know just how heartless this visitor can be. It means business.

God is here for me, always, my faith has been magnified greatly from this encounter with cancer. Why? Because I know that I am truly one of Gods beloved children, and he is watching over me every step of the way. And why not? I have done nothing to deserve this, none of us has.

Or we could keep our spirits up and try to find meaning, and acknowledge anger and sadness. At the same time.

Chemo and AI drugs may not kill you but they don't make you stronger.

One of the things I hate the most about breast cancer is the treatment. You have to make a choice and it is a sacrifice of the good health you may have previously enjoyed. I have yet to find an oncologist that understands that. My primary care doctor does.

A couple years after AI drugs and I still feel the weakness in my hip and knee joints.