Re-Entering My Life

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Jojobird
Jojobird Member Posts: 203

Good morning.

It's 5:30 AM here on the west coast and I'm up for the work day, sipping my coffee and thinking about life after breast cancer. I think of last year and the treatments, and it feels like a fever dream. Can't believe it, almost. The diagnosis and shock/depression, the surgery (mx and nodes), chemo, rads - and the slow hike up back to a scarred and different elevation. So many new sisters here.

So much of these last months have felt like going through the motions. When I returned to work, my old normal was the norm, expected even, you're cured so what's the problem? My coworkers, the best a person could have, were supportive and even so, I didn't/don't talk much about it. Who wants to hear about cancer? Scans trigger anxiety, aches trigger worries, my diet is a careful checklist of antioxidants and sugar avoidance, and each born day is measured, plotted against a careful hope that my future might - just might - be more laps out around the field. Who wants fear?

How do you re-enter your life? Mine is fits and starts, with the old and new. Same coffee, same job. More slack for my fears and fatigue and people in general. I'm fuzzy and forgetful sometimes, and details often feel out of reach. Cancer didn't make me better but it slowed me down a little, and offered a wider sense of generosity towards others, I think. My hair is still short but at least it's alive. An undercurrent of fear will probably always live under my feet, and I'm learning to live with its cautions. My body is one breast up and one down, but eh, it could be worse. Some things don't interest me as much as they used to, but I've looked mortality in the eye and flinched only a little. I guess that counts for something.

Would love to hear how you've stepped back into your life, or what that process was/is like for you. Coffee cup toast to all.

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Comments

  • mustlovepoodles
    mustlovepoodles Member Posts: 2,825
    edited September 2017

    i am 2 years cancer-free and re-entering my old life is just not happening. Of course, it didn't help that my DH got cancer last year, followed by my mother's cancer and lingering death. We've had nothing but cancer the last two years and I'm thoroughly sick of it.

    I tried to keep up my job--I had great support there, but I lost my drive. Finally, I just threw in the towel and retired in July. I'm 61, so it's earlier than planned and we will have to be frugal to get by until I can draw social security next year. But my siblings and friends tell me that I look better than ever and I've lost 20-lbs, despite taking the AI.

    So, for me, re-entering life hasn't gone well. That old life appears to be dead and gone. I'm a different person now. I'm striving to figure out where to go from here. In the meantime, The house is for sale and we're moving into our camper for a year, until DH & I can figure things out.

  • wallan
    wallan Member Posts: 1,275
    edited September 2017

    I too am re-entering my life. Returning to work soon. I am apprehensive about my return but will still go back and do my best. I am inspired by people on these boards who keep on keepin on despite pain, fear, anxiety, mortality starting them in the face, and wicked side effects from treatments. I do not want to be a cancer patient anymore or live with "survivor" mentality. I want to enjoy a full rich life despite it all. I want to follow in the footsteps of the brave women and men on these boards. Self-pity is being put in a locked drawer from now on. (maybe I will occasionally take it out... LOL. But that is why I will lock it.)

    As I said, I am inspired and grateful for all the support I get here. I don't know if I will have stamina/drive to continue as I did before in my job or in any endeavor, but i will give it my best shot.

    wallan



  • Falconer
    Falconer Member Posts: 1,192
    edited September 2017
    Jojo, mustlove, wallan, my heart is with you all, my heart is with you all.

    I'm here on these boards perhaps more than I should be? Trying to find a place where I can try to make sense of what has happened/ what is happening to me. And that is not available in my day to day world. Jojo, I can relate to the less interested aspect of some things and also the smoothing out and calming down that leads to more patience or generosity toward others. the chip on my shoulder went along with my left breast. It's a heavy price to pay to become a better person, but it's working. Mustlove, I am so sorry for every difficult step you and your DH have had to take because of this damn disease. It must be scary to let go of so much that anchored you. I wonder what freedom it might bring. Wallan, don't lock the drawer. We all need to have pity on ourselves once in a while. Perhaps it helps us develop compassion toward others. Much love to you all.
  • Jojobird
    Jojobird Member Posts: 203
    edited September 2017

    mustlovepoodles, I'm so sorry to hear the re-entry hasn't gone well. You sure have had your share of cancer, and I can't blame you for wanting to give it the finger salute. I wish you sincere peace in your search for what the new normal is, and ground to cover when it comes.

    wallan, I too draw inspiration from these boards, and from posters like you who keep on keeping on. I hear you on the self-pity....my own stance these days is to frame it as grief. Grief for my old life that, when it comes, needs to have its moments, and then walked through. And also I hear you on not wanting to get stuck there, but allowing it full fruition is important for healing, I think.

    falconer, my heart is with you too. I know, right? Making sense of this *thing* that happened and still feels unreal. I also return to these boards as if searching for the falcon, like in the poem, that someday might hear its falconer. As if meaning or sense might someday arrive. I love your screen name.

    Thank you all. Wishing you all love and healing.


  • NotVeryBrave
    NotVeryBrave Member Posts: 1,287
    edited September 2017

    You all write so well! My heart hurts sometimes for all that so many have had to go through - are still going through. And I often feel like this is some kind of bad dream, too.

    I tried to throw myself into a new job, thinking that maybe I was ready for something new and different. I guess I wasn't. I quit after only 4 weeks. I couldn't take the stress of it. I'm not sure if it's a post treatment thing or a getting older thing but everything just seemed too difficult. I'm going back to what I know. At least it works for juggling household duties and kids.

    I wish I could just forget the past year. It's a little like how you mourn your kids growing up and losing their innocence. I wish I could be naive again.


  • Jojobird
    Jojobird Member Posts: 203
    edited September 2017

    notverybrave, sometimes the road to knowing ourselves means knowing our limits, no? Kudos to you for realizing that the new job was too much. Saying no takes its own strength. Limits are also self-knowledge.

    And oh, how I feel you on wanting that innocence back. I could write pages on what I miss. We know the darkest secret ever now, don't we? Life really does end. We're not infallible. Time is more dangerous and urgent than we think. And this body -- it is not always a refuge. Sometimes, the bell of betrayal tolls too soon and once heard, it always resounds.


  • Roaming_Star
    Roaming_Star Member Posts: 103
    edited November 2017

    Hi, this is an interesting topic. I am trying to think about moving forward with my life after all "this". I am still not completely through treatment. I have UMX on my left as well as lymph node removal scheduled on Friday, the radiation in Jan. of next year and hormone treatment after that. I keep thinking there is a before dx and tx and what will life be like afterward? It's not like my life was settled before. Really I was coming out of a shitty year from 2016 - lost my home and business and was just beginning to restart a life then wham - bc. I have so many thoughts and fears that run through my head and heart. Mostly I just want to get thus over with so that I can get to a normal! I guess new normal is called survivorship? Then I get fearful that I will never escape this monster - it will haunt me... How to make peace with the monster? How do I come to terms with this creature dogging me while also creating a new life? Uggghhhh it sucks.

  • Denise-G
    Denise-G Member Posts: 1,777
    edited November 2017

    I sought the help of a former pastor of mine who was also a cancer survivor after struggling to try and go back "to my old life" or to find my new life after treatment..

    His simple advice helped me tremendously. I wrote this blog post about it:

    https://denise4health.wordpress.com/2016/04/28/cancer-survivorship-adapting-and-adjusting/

  • Brightness456
    Brightness456 Member Posts: 340
    edited November 2017

    I’ve been thinking about this a lot as I near the end of radiation. I’ll still get herceptin every third week until next fall, but physically I’m feeling much more like my old self again. I cold capped through chemo so I still have my hair although I have to be careful with it for several more months. I can’t color or style it properly. Still, it’s there and that helps me feel like I blend in with society.

    The fear of BC not really being gone and of mets growing somewhere in my body is always nipping at me just below the surface of what I present to the world, but I’m trying to live as if I have confidence that I’ll have a long healthy life, but for now it’s just an act, a choice of my willpower.

    I’d love to feel like me again

  • BellasMomToo
    BellasMomToo Member Posts: 305
    edited December 2017

    I feel it is finally time for me to re-enter my life. I finished my year of Herceptin on 10/20. Had my port removed on 11/9. On 12/1 I had a bone scan (because I have occasional pains in my arm and leg). They saw something on my right femur so I had that x-rayed yesterday. I received the news today that my femur was fine. (I received the call from my MO's office while I was at a BART station (San Francisco subway system) so I couldn't hear the details other than everything was fine.)

    I washed all of my head coverings and put them away. (Early October I had enough hair to ditch the scarves.) Also put away my seatbelt (port) pillow. I'm not getting rid of the stuff in case I need it again.

    I was finally fitted for a breast prosthesis two weeks ago. I should be hearing from them soon.

    I actually feel good. I know I'm not the same person that I was before my dx. I do think about recurrence and being ER-/PR-/Her2+ I know that recurrence can occur fairly soon. For that reason I know I have to appreciate my time being 'cancer free'.

    Funny thing is the day before my last Herceptin I broke a tooth and had to get it extracted. So now I have to deal with dental problems instead of cancer. But I'm grateful I didn't have to deal with both problems at the same time.

  • EastcoastTS
    EastcoastTS Member Posts: 864
    edited December 2017

    BellasMom:

    Glad to hear that the femur is fine. What a sigh of relief!

    Happy holidays to all the BC crew out there!

  • sweetsmilefh
    sweetsmilefh Member Posts: 14
    edited December 2017

    Merry Christmas to all of you on this thread who observe the holiday. (Not my holiday, but I can still share wishes of peace and health and life ahead.) This is my first time posting on this topic, and it feels so appropriate. Yes, this is about re-claiming our lives now, knowing that our new-found return to "good health" or just, finishing treatment and going through a physical and emotional healing process may be shorter-lived than we'd hoped.

    So I told my husband I needed to plan a trip, to have something life-affirming to look forward to after treatment (radiation) and healing. We spent 5 days in the Riviera Maya (the area in Mexico south of Cancun) and got to visit the Mayan ruins in Tulum, something I've wanted to do for decades. We also swam in a cenote, an underground river among stalagmites and stalactites, and swam among sea turtles who were bigger than me! The activities were great, the resort was phenomenal, and I was so careful about wearing long-sleeved tops when swimming and using SPF 100 sunblock. All it took was a case of Montezuma's revenge to make me totally forget about cancer! So here it is 5 days later, my stomach is still unsettled and I'm taking probiotics and guzzling Mylanta. And I'm thinking, I'd rather deal with turista any day than the monster that is cancer. Mine was found very early, and I "only" needed a lumpectomy and radiation.

    This Friday, I return to see my RO. She was generally sympathetic and helpful, but altogether clueless when the radiation triggered my old reactions to fragrances giving me severe asthmatic reactions. She suggested I see a pulmonologist, which was totally unhelpful years ago. At least my scar is healing beautifully and the radiation-related redness has almost disappeared. What hasn't disappeared is that low-level insidious knowledge that my cancer is fickle. It may never return, but it will always be part of my history, a box I will have to check off at each new doctor's visit, or information to impart when I see my dermatologist, my dentist and periodontist, my opthamologist and my retinologist. And then again, I have friends who have had 2 or 3 rounds of cancer, so each time I have a scan that subtle fear of my cancer's return in some new guise will rear its head.

    Jojobird, I read your blog, and it really resonated with me. Thanks for sharing the link.

    NotVeryBrave, it seems to me that you have self-knowledge and inner courage to realize you weren't ready to deal with a very demanding job. There are all different stripes of bravery, and as some women told me, we showed courage by just showing up every day, to every appointment, no matter how arduous or how sick we were with the whole routine.

    Mustlovepoodles - what an awful time you have had. Again, my heart goes out to you. A number of years ago, my husband and I lost 3 of our 4 parents within a 3 year period. The traditional Jewish mourning customs, which we followed, require you to say a special prayer with a quorum of 10 people every for 11 months; no music, attending public celebrations, or movies for mourners either. So we had a somber period for those 3 years. It was difficult, but we came through it together. I hope that you and your DH can put cancer on the back burner and find a way to move forward in your lives and find fulfillment and grace together.

    One last note - cancer seems to have cured my fear of flying! I was always a very anxious traveler, and had some panic attacks at airports and on planes in the past. This time around, I was totally calm, without needing liquor. I guess having gone through cancer has given me the gift of perspective.

    Peace and health to all of you!

  • Manc
    Manc Member Posts: 66
    edited December 2017

    End of a lovely Christmas Day with my lovely family last year was due to begin chemo in January but what a year. Mastectomy chemotherapy radiotherapy and ovary removal from January to July was this really my life ! Or a film I just watched ? Sadly fear or even terror has been my companion resulting in counselling and antidepressants again is this really my life ? Recurrence scares me so much and I'm digging my way out of my hole for my beloved family I'm interested in everyone's way back to normality too Any advice welcome in this difficult path. Love to all of us on it.

  • Jojobird
    Jojobird Member Posts: 203
    edited December 2017

    sweetsmilef, Thank you so much for sharing your experiences. Yes, the fear of recurrence is real and can definitely cause some anxiety, but I love that Montezuma's "revenge," acquired from a magical experience of swimming in caves, is one way out of fear's labyrinth. Your trip sounds wonderful. We took a family trip to Costa Rica this year and I so resonate with your idea that we need to do life-affirming things. Belated Chag Sameach to you, and here's to many more years of light.

    Manc, I don't have any easy answers for the anxiety. I, too, went on antidepressants (still am) and I make sure to exercise 5 days a week, eat mostly healthy foods, and surround myself with loving and supportive people. Have you thought of joining a support group? Talking with other cancer survivors about the anxiety, fears of recurrence, and sharing ideas/resources helped me feel less alone. Your fears are real, and unfortunately very common for our sisterhood.

    Thinking of these and other posts, I can't help visualizing the old Star Trek episodes where Captain Kirk and Spock go in and out of the transporter. If I might extend the image, it's as if cancer takes us to another planet, and our bodies have been reconstituted, only this time with medicine, surgery, chemotherapy and/or radiation. We return to the mother ship in a different form. We're beamed back up, but we're different.

    Re-entering our lives is maybe something like that. Safe travels.

  • LoveLau
    LoveLau Member Posts: 105
    edited January 2018

    I am trying very hard to get my life back. I was on anestrozole for 1 year had depression everyday. Now on leitazole seems the same,I need ativan to get out of bed. Still very anxious. I cant let go of the fear but I am trying to. I have two main worries,

    1) will it come back and how will I know, and the other is 2) did I do the right treatments. I was so anxious at the decision making that I just went along with the no chemo decision but I did have a bmx so it would not come back.

    Maybe I am worried that I should have taken the chemo. The doctor said it won't help but she would " give to me if I wanted." I could not decide so I asked her for her to recommend chemo and she said no. I asked he if she ever recommended chemo and she said yes for her+ and something else. So why didn't she recommend it for me. Only thing was she asked me "if I ever heard that over 4 lymph nodes you need chemo". But my pathology report said I had only one lymph node the sentinal one. I sent email to ask about that but she said she would talk to me in person or on the phone but when 1 saw her and asked the question she evaded the answer. So could that be the problem. My path report said stage 1b but the 2nd opinion guy at sloan said 2a. I dont know if it is a new classification of 1b/2a or what. Could she be calling the tumor a lymph node and i didnt understand? The sloan guy said he didnt see the full path report. The dr told me the tumor was 1.3cm, then she said there was another behind it at 1 cm and a smaller one behind that not measurable lobular. but she said you don't add them you just take the biggest. The sloan guy said you add them. He said there was only one lymph node. So that's the problem. I keep thinking that I made the wrong decision and screwed myself up.

    I want to find a way to accept myself and my decisions but I am sitting here spinning my wheels letting my life pass on by. I want to live my life, if I have 10 years or 10 days. I need help, if you can help me to see my way out let me know. I guess there are others with similar thoughts, how to move forward beyond this, I dont know. Maybe only by taking anti anxiety pills. I hate to take any pills now I take many. I am seeing psychiatrist and was seeing therapist but she didn't help. I think the Ai's are part of the problem but my decision is also part of it. If I had chemo I probably would feel the same. Anyone have a way to figure out how to live with this? I have tried many things but nothing helps. I know I need to grow up and face life and my decisions but so far I have not been able to do so. Those of you who did the chemo can feel good that they did everything.

  • Jojobird
    Jojobird Member Posts: 203
    edited February 2018

    LoveLau,

    I feel you, I really do. The anxiety and uncertainty are very difficult. I'm nearly two years out from diagnosis and the anxiety has definitely died down, but my depression comes and goes. I'm on antidepressants as well and they seem to help, but they alone take me 50% where I need to be. Exercise and sunlight help, as does making time to be with my friends and (positive) family.

    I don't have easy answers. It sounds, though, like your doctor made a decision based on your case and had reasons for doing so, and the only thing we can do at some point after treatment is to let go. Meditation has helped me as well.

    But survivorship is a long and new road. Seeing a therapist and continuing to get help is the right direction. Ask for what you need. You're not alone and there is a big sisterhood here to walk with you.

    Take good care.


  • Newnorm
    Newnorm Member Posts: 100
    edited February 2018

    Hi everyone, great reading all your posts. I'm now four months from the end of my treatment and although my hair, eyelashes and eyebrows have grown back (so I look more like myself), it's the physical and emotional scars that weigh heaviest on my mind. Oh I try and stay positive, excercise, get acupuncture, eat healthy and limit my alcohol (most of the time), but I still feel like I'm running away from my cancer diagnosis. As I get back to work, I find the more I have to keep myself busy, the less BC consumes me. Time seems to be healing my wounded mind. All the best to everyone

  • Mc16
    Mc16 Member Posts: 10
    edited February 2018

    Everyone writes so eloquently. I don't but I understand that the struggle to move on is now my problem. It is also becoming my husband's problem and perhaps my children's problem.

    Thank you all for taking the time to post your insights. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate these posts.

    xMc
  • Jojobird
    Jojobird Member Posts: 203
    edited February 2018

    Newnorm: so glad to hear your mind/body are on their way to healing. It is a long road for sure.

    Mc16: Sincerity is its own eloquence, as is truth. You write just fine! The struggle to move on is a struggle for sure. You are not alone in this. I wish you continued strength.

    It's Sunday morning and once again I've got my coffee and a new day ahead. My two-year diagnosis marker year date is coming up and I can't believe I'm here. Didn't think I'd make it. I would like to gather up all of the scar tissue, medications, surgical instruments, lost hair and flesh, and pile it into a bonfire of grief. Some contained flame that would not harm us takes it all up and turns it into angels.

    That's my wish for us.

    Love out.



  • Nextyear
    Nextyear Member Posts: 49
    edited March 2018

    I am here. Cancers beat: uterine, breast, thyroid, and, the cherry on the top, a sarcoma on spine.

    Since January, feeling good. No extra medications. Swimming, boxing, yoga. Work not as important, just necessary. Looking for fun and happiness now. Had counseling during the summer. Looked at who was healthy for me and who was not. This year, I'm going to just do what makes me happy and love those who get that.

    I wish everyone well.

  • Jojobird
    Jojobird Member Posts: 203
    edited March 2018

    Nextyear, I am in awe of your strength and resolve to keep going on. Thank you for checking in, and I wish you well, too!

  • Peetie1
    Peetie1 Member Posts: 73
    edited June 2018

    Hello All,

    This thread seems to have wound down a couple of months ago, but I am sure happy that I stumbled on it, because it was so cathartic to read about how some of you have put cancer behind you and moved on. I do not come to these boards very often because as part of my moving on I try very hard not to dwell on cancer, or the possibility of its return, nor have I been able to connect with others on this board that have had the same experiences/made the same decisions that I made.

    As far as having breast cancer goes, I was fortunate to catch it early, and I did not have chemo due to my Mammaprint results, As a result of this it is hard to know where I fit on these boards. I have not had the rough time with chemo that many of you have had, and I did not choose to take Tamoxifen (oh please do not lecture or ostracize me for making a different choice then some of you have made.) Yet, I am a breast cancer survivor, and I do share many of the emotional scars that many of you bear. It has fundamentally changed me, and there does not seem to be any way to go back.

    I do have the lopsided breasts, and it seems that nerve pain will be a permanent part of my new normal, but it is the knowledge that I am mortal and that cancer will most likely find me again in the future that has fundamentally changed who I am (I have a huge family history of cancer in all parts of the body on both sides of my family.) Honestly, I think that the changes are for the better. I have learned to prioritize my physical needs (not working crazy long hours, eating well, exercising, and not feeling guilty when I need to rest), but where I feel that I have been fundamentally changed by cancer the most is in my value system. I place a higher premium on spending time with the people that I love, having fun, living in the moment, and taking the time to do what really matters over all else. I am only a year past radiation, who knows maybe some of the fear eventually passes??

  • Brightness456
    Brightness456 Member Posts: 340
    edited June 2018

    Hi everyone. I came back to the forum because I’m struggling with putting this whole ordeal behind me, integrating it into my life, denial, whatever the heck... I didn’t even realize I’d posted in this thread until I was reading the entries and thought one sounded a bit like me. Turns out it was me!

    I thought I was doing a good job of moving forward, embracing life, being true to myself, but lately I’ve started to realize that in some ways I’ve just been pushing down the terror of possible recurrence. The people in my life all seem quite content to have me act normal again, and so do I to some extent, but I think I have to figure out a way to address and process the fear in order to truly move forward. I don’t want to pretend to be alright just so other people are happy around me if that makes sense.

    Does this make sense to you? How do we truly accept such a traumatic life changing diagnosis and still continue forward? How can I do this

  • Jojobird
    Jojobird Member Posts: 203
    edited June 2018

    Peetie - You are absolutely entitled to any/all feelings and experiences surrounding your diagnosis. And no judgement on your choices! A life-changing, to-the-bone core shift like a cancer diagnosis - ANY cancer diagnosis, even if detected early, even with no chemo or whatever - definitely impacts a person, and I HEAR you on the shift in your value system. I, too, have chosen to downsize, spending less money but more time with family, friends, people. I don't need to travel so much as I want to deepen just being. Practicing being and appreciating and gratitude for what is here already. More power to you.

    Brightness, I so empathize with the fear of recurrence. It is a shadow. My cancer support group leader had a name for it: Damocles' sword syndrome, and I don't know if it's a real thing but it felt true to me. And, having now experienced the recurrence, and currently going through treatment (yet again), I doubly relate. I am past the initial fear but the shock has numbed me. Our family is still processing what this means. But it has not taken away the practice I have of waking each day to look around for things to be grateful for, appreciating coffee, sunlight, people.

    image

    And I also hear you on trying to act "normal" or the pressure to be "over it" when dear God how can we? The old life, the old body -- is gone. Gone. And a new life, a new body is here. We didn't ask for it. We didn't want it. But it's here now and we're not our old selves and will never be again. I don't know that people without cancer will ever get that. And, with compassion, I don't know that we can expect them to. Their kindness and empathy has real limits. . But we - us survivors - do get it, and one of the gifts of this diagnosis is this sorority of understanding, of compassion, of recognizing the grief and loss and strength we share. I come here for it. It is a kind of oxygen that sustains me.

    Deep breaths. I wish the same for you.

    XO

    Jojo


  • Pi-Xi
    Pi-Xi Member Posts: 348
    edited June 2018

    After nearly two years since surgery and about 32 months since this whole ordeal started, I am finally starting to feel somewhat like myself. I resisted the "new normal" because I detest that term. Instead, I'm feeling a "new good". My life is completely different and everything I do and consume is far more purposeful. I prioritize exercise, sleep, eating well and rest. I'm also less likely to put off rewards. So, there are some good outcomes!

    I think getting off of tamoxifen for the month of February (while dealing with uterine issues) was head-clearing and I discovered that the old me was actually underneath the brain fog. Although resuming the medication was difficult at first, the side effects after three and a half months seem easier at least for now.

    A part of me doesn't want to stop focusing on cancer because I'm afraid if I turn my back on it, it'll take advantage of the opportunity. I also know that I can't keep it away by worrying about it! I am cautiously optimistic about moving forward and enjoying the time I have.

    Jojobird, I am so sorry to hear of your recurrence!

  • Jojobird
    Jojobird Member Posts: 203
    edited July 2018

    Pi-Xi, I love the term "new good." It sounds like you've really shored up your resources and are taking good care of yourself. This disease sure does reset our priorities, doesn't it? So very happy that you are able to have this shift.

    And oh, do I hear you on not wanting to let go of thinking of cancer. It's as if not thinking about it could contribute to a relapse. I am here to tell you that worrying didn't help me with my recurrence, but with my current treatment plan, things seem to be going ok. I'm taking things one month at a time.

    Wishing you continued success, and more peace moving forward, Pi-Xi.

    Best,

    Jojo

  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited July 2018

    When I was DX 7 years ago next month I didn’t give myself permission to grieve or even cry. I’m sure that was due in part because I was already braced for the dreaded news. I was in a fog through surgery and treatment. Sometimes even now I think about the magnitude of what has happened to turn my life upside down.

    It’s much better these days. Time truly does help. The fear factor will always be there howeverespecially when it’s annual mammogram time. I am a worrier by nature but I keep my game face on most of the time.

    Worrying doesn’t solve or prevent anything but it’s what I do. My doctor prescribed anxiety meds that I resisted at first but relented and take them now once a day. Have to admit I am much calmer.

    Sorry you are dealing with this beast again Jojo. I have a friend whose BC has metasized to her hips. Very upsetting. My sister’s also came back after 4 years but at least it’s not metastatic. Both of them have ILC. Mine was IDC.

    I think we will all always be looking over our shoulder. We have been branded with the C word and we have to live with that but BC doesn’t define us and shouldn’t control us either.

    Diane


  • Shellsatthebeach
    Shellsatthebeach Member Posts: 316
    edited July 2018

    I am much like Peetie in that I try to appreciate each moment in the day and enjoy the here and now. I'm realizing it's the small stuff that brings me joy....waves at the ocean, sun on my face, the sound of thunder and smell of rain...I decided I'm going to enjoy each moment of this life while I have it and on bad days remember this isn't forever.

  • Jojobird
    Jojobird Member Posts: 203
    edited July 2018

    Edwards, I'm so glad you are giving yourself permission to take care of yourself and feel the full range of feelings. The anti-anxiety meds are there for a reason - and I, too, am taking anti-depressants and they help a great deal. And you are correct, BC does not define us. It is a part of us, but there are also huge parts of us that are still healthy.

    Shellsat, it is so important to enjoy each day. Love that. May it continue for both you and Edwards.

    One day at a time.

    Love out.

    Jojo

  • Pi-Xi
    Pi-Xi Member Posts: 348
    edited July 2018

    Thank you, Jojobird! I am a work in progress.

    I'm very sorry about your recurrence and I wish you successful treatment!

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