Re-Entering My Life

Jojobird

I know this thread is not super active but I just wanted to check in.

I am on disability and am not able to work until November 1 of this year, pending treatment and surgery results. But so far, so good. The Taxotere/Xeloda combo is shrinking the tumor and it looks like excising the tumor via surgery will work. Yay!

But: I am still in long-term treatment, struggling with fatigue, struggling with raising a teen daughter who wants to go out and do things and who I don't want to let stare at screens all day. I'm bald with one boob down. Some days my husband comes home to a messy house because all I could do was a load of dishes, then go back to bed. He's very kind about it, I should add. Totally understands. It just feels difficult because he works a very difficult job and I'd like to contribute more. We will probably hire a housecleaner.

Some days I am energetic, go to the gym, prepare healthy meals, can do writing or reading or other more cognitively demanding projects. And some days are a wash of rest/sleep/eat/rest. It's unpredictable.

And my old life continues to be a shore that, in this new vessel, I will look back on but never again call home. I'm going to let myself fully grieve this - not wallow, not sink, but let it happen. I'm currently reading Kitchen Table Wisdom by Rachel Naomi Remen and it's really wonderful. She talks about how letting ourselves fully grieve our losses allows room for the re-entry of joy, of meaning, of peace. I don't know that I'm looking for any outcome, though, other than authenticity. Being true. And what that looks like, will look like, is a daily process of listening to this new body and its new, and sometimes cranky, needs.

My kid starts high school next year and this week we're doing day trips and "Mom Camp." Hanging out, maybe baking a little, reading, parks and short hikes, the beach. Nothing much. But everything in that too.

How are you all doing? How is the re-entry, or the stepping back into your life going? Would love to hear.

Love out.

Jojo