Partner likely to leave after diagnosis

ToughCookie,

Sorry you hear with us, but welcome. I hope you have good friends and family nearby during this time. It's a lot for you and for him, even if you were together for years. He's afraid of the unknown as well as you. You just found out yesterday, it's a state of shock for both. Some partners rise to the occasion right away, some take time and unfortunately some don't.

Don't write him off as leaving yet. You both need time to process this news. To find out what lies ahead in terms of treatment. It's a very scary time right now. If you can handle asking him how he is feeling and what he is thinking, do so. If you have to do this on your own, you will. You've got this either way. You'll find your inner strength.

No, you don't. Sorry, though.

If he wants a way out I agree with beach at least he should have the class and decency to talk to you about it instead of the cowardly way he is handling it. His texts are cruel, uncalled for and mean spirited.

He may very well be stressed about his business and has decided more stress with your illness is not something he wants to take on. Maybe it is better you know now. Again that does not excuse his behavior.

A friend’s daughter was DX a few years ago and had to have chemo and radiation. Her BFF was younger by a few and they had not been together that long when she was DX. He surprised her and her mom by standing by her side through it all. He was and is a keeper.

Thing is you don’t know all the details yet like treatment, etc. Once you do have a plan in place at least you can relax a little.

Having said that there are posts on this website from ladies whose husbands bolted when they were DX. So much for the sickness and in health vow. Now that is cruel and unforgivable.

You are a survivor just like us with or without him.

Keep us posted and keep the faith.

Diane

Hi ToughCookie:

I am sorry about the diagnosis and sorry to hear that the fellow isn't dealing so well with it all.

Would it be possible to simply take it easy, and deal with the medical stuff right now? If he wants to text and you feel like replying - great. If the texts are not helpful - you are allowed to busy yourself with the urgent things in your life and people who can be there in a supportive way for you.

You can make decisions about him after you focus on you. In the meantime, he may benefit by a little time and distance.

If you were my sister or best friend, I would just ask you to focus solely on people and activities that build you up and help you feel better right now.

Cancer diagnoses are emotional shocks. I think its too much to have to worry about how anyone else is dealing with it when you have things to do to get well.

I hope you don't find this too personal - but I promise you, a million times over, that there are many good men out there who know how to support their partners when faced with a cancer diagnosis and treatment. When we keep trying to get the wrong person to stay - we can't clear our life and create space for the loving one to come in......I think most of us can relate

I hope you will post again, and that you will be supported by good people in your life. You will get lots of great support here - its an amazing group

Love, xx

Belle

And btw I had an ex husband who bailed on me when I had emotional problems. But the younger guy I am seeing refused to bail because of my cancer, even though I told him I understood if he did.

You just never know who will be there for you during hard times and who will bail. Some of your friends might surprise you, as well. Some will step up to the plate..others will withdraw in fear or just out of self absorption.

Relationships can be hard enough to maintain without a challenging health issue. What’s not hard for any decent person, though, is to care for the people you care about. 8 months into a relationship, maybe he’s not going to be your rock. But he could be supportive. He could help be a part of a network of supports who facilitate your recovery. He could assertively pursue information that would help him understand even a little bit what you might be going through. And he could do something—anything to ease your burden at least a little. He could be empathetic. He could be a shoulder to lean on. Cry on. He could make you a nice dinner and just listen. He could do research so you don’t have to read all of the inaccurate crap on Google. He could be an extra set of ears at a consult or a note taker. He could be a friend. Focus on the people in your life you really are your supports. They’re the keepers. God bless. Praying for all strength and healing for you

So sorry and hugs. Please know its perfectly fine to be very sad about this loss. Cry a lot, its good for you. I know several women whose husbands left once they were diagnosed I believe that in these case the relationships already had issues and the cancer ended the relationship. I hope you can take this as sign from the universe that this is not the man for you and space has been cleared up for you to find someone who truly loves you.

I was dating someone for six months myself and ended it with him just days before the doctor told me I most probably have cancer. I am still waiting for biopsy results but maybe somehow I knew I could not deal with a new relationship and this. He doesn't know and I don't plan on telling him. Good guy and he treated me well but he was very recently divorced and in a very bad accident himself and still recovering. I just didn't think it was the right time for us.

The person who is important right now is you. What worked for me was to do group therapy, join 12 step groups like ACOA and Al Anon and if I am diagnosed I will be joining cancer support groups. I have an extremely loving and supportive network and I feel very much loved.

I hope to have a loving partner someday but I truly feel that I get so much love from my support network that no man could ever replace it.

Kjames, welcome to BCO! I am sorry for the reason that you're here, but you can find much information and support here. Please consider reading through the forum that fits with your diagnosis (DCIS, DCIS-MI, IDC, ILC, etc) you can connect with other women who are going or have gone through similar choices and treatments. Sending you warm thoughts and gentle ((hugs))

thank you

Well, that sucks. I guess it's better to know now, rather than later, though it probably feels pretty bad.  Not everyone is equipped to handle this kind of bad news.  I have 3 sisters and a brother. When I told them I had BC, 2 of the sisters completely ignored it and my brother made multiple drunken calls to me begging my not to die on him.  I finally had to stop taking his calls--I simply didn't have the energy to prop him up while undergoing multiple surgeries, chemo, sepsis, and infections. My mother was almost as bad--she kept telling me stories of people she knew who had had BC and every story ended with , "and SHE DIED!"  My adult kids were pretty useless. Thankfully, DH was up to the challenge, because the rest of the family just bailed on me.

Now is the time to identify your tribe. You may be surprised at who gets in your corner. For me, it was my Sunday School class. We had only been members a short while and I really didn't know too many of them. But they took us on and were really there for us both (DH developed prostate cancer right after I finished chemo.) They made calls, sent cards, and brought meals twice a week for several weeks until I could get back on my feet. I would have never in a million years dreamed that this bunch of almost-strangers would gather round us like this, but they did. So, as much as I love my siblings and mother, I figured out pretty early that they weren't going to be my support system.