Partner likely to leave after diagnosis

ToughCookie101

Thank you mustlovepoodles. It's true. Not everyone is equipped to deal with things past the tip of their own nose. He needed me earlier this week and I was there several times. In a heartbeat. Sadly my brother lives out of town, but my dad and aunt have been great, as have some friends.

Anyone can be great when times are good, but it's when shit hits the fan that matters. Family or not. I'm sorry to hear about your family, sadly we can't choose them.

ToughCookie101

I don't understand how someone can be so selfish. I always thought people who love you step up in situations like this. I didn't expect anything from him except giving me hugs and helping me relax on the weekend.

IntegraGirl

I'm very sorry ToughCookie. The diagnosis is devastating and having him bail is heartbreaking. Been there, done that, got the T shirt and I was equally shocked, heartbroken, and pissed off .

I had been with the man-child in my life off and on for 5 years and we had been friends for a few years before we took it to another level. We were together when I was diagnosed in January/17 and he was there for me and supportive until he ghosted me in July. He went from telling me he loved me, would be there for me no matter what and kissing my bald head while telling me that I would always be beautiful to him to.....nothing. I haven't seen him since July 4. He texted me in September asking me to dinner so we could "catch up". My response was "I needed you. You ditched. We're all caught up".

Sometimes people are assholes

Michelle_in_cornland

Tough, this is when you find out who you can count on while your chips are down. There is an old saying in corporate American, "be careful what you say as you are going up the ladder, because you might be eating your words on your way down the ladder." Life has its ups and downs, good and bad, better or worse. You are going to dig in and find your inner warrior princess. It is there, in us all. You are going to surprise yourself at how strong you become and what you learn from your journey. Now, this is your journey with your support system, and you have already taken the first few steps. You have us.....

Everyone has different journeys in their lifetime. I had a journey out of the woods, into a stellar competitive college program, to the streets of Chicago. My dad trained his three daughters as boxers, with a professional boxer as instructor. For the world, we did not know why we were boxing. It became apparent later in life, that my Irish father wanted his girls to be able to take care of themselves and fight for what is right. My sisters and I are fighters, and we have each honed our skills in different environments. We learned to never let our guard down, always be aware of your opponent, get back up, always get back up. The funny thing is, my niece married a heavy weight pro boxer, so the boxing continues on in the family.

Hugz from the heartland....

Jackster51

toughcookie... so so sorry! But.... like the wise women and men have said above, better now than later. As suckie as that sounds, coming from experience, better not to waste 2-5-8 years on this spineless creature. I was 5 ! Can't get those years back.... Truth is, there is no "one" person that can handle all of this. Hey if I hadn't been the one that HAD to show up, I wouldn't of thought I could handle it either... But I'm still standing, and you will be too! I promise you. I found the best support on these boards. Yes I had friends, my family was across country, but no one, and I mean no one, knows what it's like unless they have walked in your shoes. So line up what you can with who you can. And stick around here. It will get better. One day at a time. You will be so much stronger when you get to the other side and you won't even remember what you saw in this guy in the first place. You have many great things in store for you. I's sorry that this happened and you are feeling sad and rejected. It's horrible for sure. But stay strong and refocus on yourself. You need it and you deserve it. Big Huggs!!

ToughCookie101

Thank you IntegraGirl. Oh my, what an asshole. What grown person ghosts someone period, especially in a time of need. I wish harm on no one, but I do believe in karma.

ToughCookie101

Thank you Michelle for the kind message. I have been kickboxing myself for 13 years. To be honest that is one of my many fears about this diagnosis, that I may never get enough strength back in my arms to continue kickboxing, not to mention I'm assuming getting punched in an implant can't be good for it. My brother started martial arts young, managed a kickboxing school, fought in many competitionsand has always been in my corner (both in life and literally during kickboxing competitions). So I hear what you are saying for sure.

ToughCookie101

Thank you Jackster. Is it sad that I hope just a little bit that his dog bites him? I know that is awful but right now I'm bitter. And I can't believe I didn't see the signs. I should have known better. I was with a guy for 6 years before this recent ex, we were engaged and he dragged me through the mud. I should have known the signs as they are both similar

Michelle_in_cornland

Tough, you will get your strength back in your arms. Have you made the decision to get implants? I don't see why you would not be able to kickbox, although you may need to wear a chest protector. I don't have implants, but I do know they are able to withstand alot of abuse. If you are worried about arm strength, you can get into physical therapy pretty quickly after surgery and they can help you rebuild your strength. Phooey on the guy, you got this .......... (as we say in volleyball land)

ToughCookie101

Thanks Michelle. It is looking like I will be doing a nipple sparing left UMX (or BMX if the mass found during my MRI in the right breast turns out to be cancer too) with immediate direct to implant reconstruction. I will talk to my surgeons about getting back to kickboxing again some day.

Did you do a lumpectomy? I might still be a candidate for that but I am leaning towards UMX to hopefully avoid radiation. I fear if I do a lumpectomy with radiation and come back carrying the gene after radiation my reconstruction might be hard if I need a BMX. And I am notreally a candidate for any flap reconstructions since I have no extra cushion at all.

Michelle_in_cornland

I did do a lumpectomy with an oncoplastic surgeon. She was a surgical fellow at the University of Southern California. They take one or two per year. I don't have a scar as she went under the nipple to remove the area. I thought I would try radiation and I am glad that I did. It was easy for me, 16 full breast and 4 boosts to the area. I was so doable and I was so freaked out. The lumpectomy lounge gals were awesome. Because of that awesomeness, I started my own thread on the hormonal forum, called Uplifting and Lively Messages. I take Tamoxifen, and again, it is doable. You will hear and see alot of pros and cons, but in my experience, the pros win. When do you meet with your surgeon? I just had my 6 month mammogram, and got the "see you next year" at the end. So, so happy and thankful. You will learn that attitude in dealing with this is so important. BC.org has an article about how a positive attitude reflects in patient's treatment success. They assign articles based upon your profile. I actually did alot of reading, but received the majority of my support from the girls on here and my nieces/sisters. At this point, if you find it nerve wracking, try to get out and walk in the fresh air. I am in Illinois and it is quite lovely outside.

NotBrokenJustBent

ToughCookie, I too was dumped and via text as I recovered from my surgery. Somehow I can't hate him though. He was not a strong man and very much a child which was part of his charm. Live and learn.

ToughCookie101

Thank you Michelle. I see that your tumor size was similar to mine. I'm grade 2/3 however (not sure how I am both or if it is still on the fence to be one or the other, I should find that out soon). My concern with radiation is just if I need reconstruction later, how the radiated skin might not take the implant. If I knew if I would need radiation even with mastectomy I'd opt for lumpectomy if possible but I won't know until after surgery of course. Tough decision!

I have been getting out as much as possible, but there is snow on the ground in Ottawa and it's chilly! I'm thinking my ex is at home crying, that's his style. Maybe this is mean but he deserves that.

I am also trying to freeze my eggs, so that will add to my appointments!

ToughCookie101

NotBrokenJustBent, that's terrible! Who does that? It is pretty much inevitable that people will get sick at some point in their life, it makes me wonder what these weak men will do when it's their turn. To be honest I knew for a while that my ex was weak and I never likes that quality. I just never knew how self-centered until now.

mustlovepoodles

I think illness and disability bring people's true character into the light.

Denise-G

For me, and many others, the absolute HARDEST lesson of cancer is who runs away from you and the other most SHOCKING lesson is who runs toward you. If you had to predict it beforehand, you wouldn't believe it. I am so very sorry you had to find out so early on. I was in the process of dating a guy when I was diagnosed. When I told him I needed a mastectomy, he called me two weeks later and said he just fell in love with someone else. Never heard from him again until after I finished treatment. I never picked up the phone. Never have seen him since. Thank GOD!

As others have said, it will surprise you who offers to help. There truly are amazing people out there. Your relationships will be better after cancer, but it is a long way to get there. I am sorry you had to learn all of this at such a young age.

Michelle_in_cornland

Tough, absolutely get those eggs frozen, as you will have several years ahead of you to have children. My sister had her last at 41 years of age. Through the journey you are about to go on, you might meet a group of new friends who will have eligible male friends. What I have realized in my life, is that you just never know when the person you will eventually settle down with will come into your life.

I don't know your food situation, but I think having some healthy foods prepared and frozen, would be helpful. You could just pull them out to reheat and have dinner in minutes.

As far as surgery, my first reaction was to have a mastectomy and go right to implants. Only when I learned that the lumpectomy plus radiation has the same long term results, if not better at preventing recurrence, did I have a change of heart. If I would have had it in both breasts, then I would have gone the direct to implant route. But, your doctors will know everything before proceeding into surgery, except lymph node status. With both breasts maintained, I have mammograms which detect early changes. There are pros and cons to each, and really suggest that you visit the Lumpectomy Lounge on here, because the girls are wonderful on that thread.