Stupid comments ....

Regarding the comments tlfrank's mom made, I offer this definition:

"Narcissistic personality disorder is a mental disorder in which people have an inflated sense of their own importance, a deep need for admiration and a lack of empathy for others."

(from mayoclinic.org)

Today I went to our central office and met with one of our superentendents. He was struggling with what to say and finally said “You look better than I thought you would look considering what you have been through.” Thanks? I mean, I know he meant well but that wasn’t the right thing either. What exactly am I supposed to look like

So I was at an event yesterday (my husband's Rotary Club's annual auction) and a woman I know asked me how I was doing. I said I was doing pretty well. Another woman standing nearby asked me what was going on. I told her I had had breast cancer. Here was her response, made with a dismissive hand gesture: "Oh, they can take care of that easily."

My response: "Yes, I had surgery and radiation treatments and now I'm on medication that is causing me some side effects. I certainly wouldn't say I was glad to have gone through this."

"No," she replied. "But just look at those commercials for St. Jude's Hospital and look at those children and be glad you were so lucky."

What? I'm the first the acknowledge that there are many people out there (including so many on this forum) who had a much tougher time than I did. But does that negate what I went through?

I shouldn't let people get to me but she really upset me!

MJ

Tappermom, I probably would not have been so restrained in my reply to that insensitive woman. Some people may have it worse - however some people have it way better too. It's a relative to the individual, and for her to minimize it would have infuriated me.

Thank you all for your love and support! Of course, I knew I would get it here.

MJ

You’re so right, solfeo! And just today my DH chastised me for not remembering something he had told me. I reminded him AGAIN that my brain is just not working the way it used to. I didn’t have chemo but the anastrozole seems to be messing with my head.

I like your “I count my blessings every day but I take nothing for granted” - so true!

MJ

My mother has said to me on more than one occasion since my diagnosis "getting old really sucks" (she's 67, hasn't worked in 20 years, has been retired in Florida for 3 and has no health issues) then proceeds to tell me a story she read about TNBC being super aggressive, lagging behind in research, doesn't matter if caught early etc etc. My husband was in the room for one of these and asked her"Are you stupid?" and before she could answer "you need to shut up." I do love him. She's been better behaved simce

"My husband was in the room for one of these and asked her"Are you stupid?" and before she could answer "you need to shut up.""

Where do I get a husband like that? Mine wouldn't even shut his own family down when they are doing/saying something inappropriate, let alone mine. Luckily I don't have too much trouble telling them all to STFU myself, whenever necessary.

I also lose my words and do a lot more forgetting. I'll lose my train of thought in the middle of a conversation, and I have to just keep talking and hope it comes back to me before the other person notices.

Tlfrank - I think I have your mother's twin! Exactly like something mine would say. I finally set some serious boundaries with her a few years ago after she did some very unconscionable things and I went for an extended time not having contact with her for my own sanity. It was an awful couple of years but I learned basically that I can't trust her with my personal life and that she's never going to be the warm empathetic comforter that I would love her to be. So I tell her very little, and don't expect anything from her in return. For me, that helps. My siblings have all come to the same conclusion and about the only things we can discuss with safety with her are the weather and her dogs. Ironically, she seems quite happy with such shallow talk and for the focus to be on her anyway so we actually are all getting along better now than ever. Wish I learned that 50 years earlier!

About the discussion of have vs had cancer, I have been wondering about this too! Someone asked me the week after my mastectomy if I am in remission now. I had no idea. So now I guess I will just say that I had the first of several surgeries and am beginning treatment so won't know for years.

tlfrank - that is true about cancer, but also makes me sad

So, I have read this thread for over 2 years and considered myself lucky, until this past week. Before then, the only stupid comment I got was from one of my "best friends." She visited me shortly after my first mastectomy. Not only did she stay for 3 hours, she told me, "Oh, you have to have reconstruction, men love breasts!" after I said that I wasn't doing reconstruction. I did end up having reconstruction, but only after I thoroughly researched and soul searched, not because of what men think! She is still my friend, but not as close as we once were. Then, this week in a staff meeting where we were discussing FERPA (privacy laws) as we have a new student with spina bifida, some of my more ignorant colleagues couldn't understand why we can't just tell everybody that he has SB. I tried to enlighten them by saying, "Well, as someone who has cancer, it might have a negative connotation." A colleague who violates privacy issues all the time, waves at me dismissively and says, "That's just in your head, Sherry." I responded by saying "No!" but then was cut off by her. The principal then changed the subject. I really wanted to say, so when you hear the word cancer, your reaction is positive? I hardly ever speak in staff mtgs. and rarely discuss anything about cancer at work, so this really ticked me off. Fortunately, a real friend came to check on me afterwards and understood. The "best friend" from above did not. When I mentioned that the next day, she said, "Well, you are sensitive about that." I looked her straight in the eye and said, "How about you get cancer and let's see how sensitive you are?"
Think I am done with her.

I stopped by my old school to say hi and one of my coworkers from there said. “You look tired. I mean, you look good, but you really look tired.” I thought to myself, “No s#!+ Sherlock. I AM tired, but thanks for noticing how tired I look and letting me know!” I should have said it out loud, because then she tells me how her sister in law had BC and it spread and now it’s in her spine and her brain and she isn’t going to make it. WHY would you tell me that? WHY? I’m not freaked out enough as it is without people telling me how other friends and family have only months to live because of BC. Sigh. Today was just a day. Tears were shed

I was explaining to a friend how my risk for recurrence was around 30% and that if it comes back it could be in the liver or spine etc and she said “Well anyone could get liver cancer, I could get liver cancer”. She thought she was being so positive.... I get really tired of the half glass full people. BC sucks, I dont need anyone to tell me it doesn’t

It makes me sad when my mom complains about how hard it is getting old.

She's had no idea how hard it is for me to hear someone complain about getting old -when I'm not sure I'll live long to become old.

Kamelkitty, no clue where things are for you right now, I read your first post here about your husband trying to say "Hey felt the lump a year ago" earlier and tried to make you remember that he told you. Seriously, pissed me off. What an ass. Plus, all his negative comments on everything. Bringing the whole post forward because it was on page 57 maybe. What a jerk. Hmmmmm Whiskey Tango Foxtrot JERK.

" This has been one of the more difficult things about getting breast cancer. I am embarrassed to say that all the stupid comments have come from my loved one. First, he insinuated that getting BC was my fault, it's because of my "lifestyle," I eat "rich" food, I chose to go into a stressful profession, live in a "stressful environment." After diagnosis, and as I was trying to mentally prepare for surgery, and explaining that the tumor was "very small," and without spreading to lymph nodes or other areas, he said that sometimes the doctors open you up, and it's all over place, and you just don't really know. Thank you, that was comforting. Now, I am 2-days post surgery. And he's telling me that I felt the lump a year or more ago (I didn't), and he tried to make me remember what I told him, and that he did feel it, too. "Don't you remember, don't you remember?" What is the point of telling me that now? How does that make me feel better? How?"

Kamel hope you are doing well Hugs sassy