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  • DancingElizabeth
    DancingElizabeth Member Posts: 415
    edited October 2017

    Agree Solfeo...I have felt alone so many times.

    He says he loves me, but then the most insensitive things come out of his mouth. He has actually complained that I stress myself out over things. When in reality - he stresses me out more than anything...

    And, I told him that.

    Oh...and did I mention he complained about me using "the cancer card" when I was going thru chemo?

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  • solfeo
    solfeo Member Posts: 838
    edited October 2017
    The cancer card?! That's rough, Scared67, and I'm glad you have found some support here.
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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited October 2017

    some days like today husband is very helpful and comforting other days not so much. He just doesn't want me to be affected by cancer. I hate cancer and cancer treatment.

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  • DancingElizabeth
    DancingElizabeth Member Posts: 415
    edited October 2017

    Thanks Solfeo...it just amazes me how he can talk to me like that. If the was the other way around: he would be the biggest baby (as he already is whenever he gets so much as a cold) and expect me to wait on him hand and foot.

    He's also compared my cancer to his sleep apnea. I mean - really!?!? I'd love to trade

    I feel like I've gotten so much more support from being on here...

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  • solfeo
    solfeo Member Posts: 838
    edited October 2017
    I can't speak for anyone else's husband, but in the case of mine, he doesn't have a cruel bone in his body. He is clueless and unintentionally insensitive, as many men can be. What I always tell him is that even if he doesn't intend to hurt me, the effect of his words and actions are the same on the receiving end. I don't know how to get through to him because he seems incapable of changing. For one thing he just doesn't think before opening his damn mouth.

    As for the rest of the family, I haven't even told most of them about the cancer because when I told my sister early on her reaction was very depressing to me, when I was really needing to maintain as much positivity as possible to do what had to be done. I laughed at something the doctor said when he gave me the diagnosis over the phone, and my sister said, "Why are you laughing? This is not funny! I don't need this after everything I have been through!" She didn't need this? Well, talk about stupid comments!

    I have resigned myself to the fact that I just won't be getting much in-person support, and the support I find here is more than enough because it's the best there is anyway. The smartest most compassionate women ever frequent these boards. When I stopped feeling cheated is when that alone feeling subsided, but it does creep back up whenever my husband opens his big mouth.
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  • DancingElizabeth
    DancingElizabeth Member Posts: 415
    edited October 2017

    Exactly Solfeo - that's why I have told as few people as possible... I can't stand all the pity and people wanting me to reassure *them* that I'm Ok. I can't even have bad day without someone (who knows I've had BC) think it's related to the BC

    I want to be able to laugh about it...because what else can we do?

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited October 2017

    Now, a new study suggests a strong correlation between using hair dye and breast cancer. Anyone else want scream stop using funds for these ridiculous studies?

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  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,798
    edited October 2017

    Meow, I dye my hair. I have breast cancer. I have never dyed my breast hair, therefore this study is bullshit.

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  • marijen
    marijen Member Posts: 3,731
    edited October 2017

    Jackie Kennedy dyed her hair, she was dead at 64 with cancer, don't remember the kind. I do believe hair dye was mentioned way back then. Runor you make me laugh.

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  • lala1
    lala1 Member Posts: 1,147
    edited October 2017

    My mom has dyed her hair since she was 30. She's now almost 81 and goes to the gym TWICE a day sometimes!! I can barely keep up with her. No cancer. Hell, she hardly ever catches a cold. I turned prematurely gray when I was 17 (from jet black to almost totally gray in 1 year! I like to say high school was a b**ch!) but I've always loved the color and have NEVER dyed my hair, not once. I got breast cancer. There are exceptions all around us!

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  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,798
    edited October 2017

    Frankly, I think there is no 'reason'. There just is. Bad luck. Some people break all the rules and live to 100. Some live the good life and are dead at 55. No rhyme nor reason. Dye your hair, I say!

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  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,798
    edited October 2017

    Been thinking about this. People ask me, How are you doing? (or the shorter, How are you?) I say I'm fine. But I'm not. The answer is so much more complicated. But I think the problem isn't the answer. The problem is the question.

    I don't think the emphasis should be on HOW, it should be on DOING. HOW makes us say, oh I'm fine, peachy keen, right as rain, kiss my ass. The truth is that I am NOT fine, but I am DOING. I am doing the laundry, doing the shopping, doing the cooking. At night I lay in bed and think about dying. Think about my next mammogram. Try not to spazz out over the pain in my arm and wonder why the lymphedemon is suddenly really hurting. THen the next morning I do dishes, and do the chores and build the fire and vacuum the floor and wash the windows. I fold the clothes, I bake the cookies, I locate the lost dog, I deal with telemarketers.

    No matter how I feel, I still get up every day and DO. All of us trudge through our days, sometimes feeling okay and secure, other days feeling haunted and threatened. Not very many of us are excused from all the shit we have to DO. Fine or not, positive or not, cured or not, we just put one foot in front of the other and DO.

    So I think the question should be, Are you getting it done? Yes. Whatever IT is on any given day, I am getting it done. If I feel great, I get it done. If I feel shitty, I get it done. Even when I don't want to get it done, I get it done. So yes, I am getting it done. And that to me is a much more important question. Never mind how I'm doing, because that is sometimes not the main thing. But have I got two feet planted on the ground making some sort of progress that matters to me, no matter how insignificant? Yes. Yes I am. I am DOING. It is the best that any of us can hope for, to do all that we can , whether we are 'fine' or not.

    We have to change the question.

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  • Tappermom383
    Tappermom383 Member Posts: 643
    edited October 2017

    Wow, runor - what a great perspective! So the answer to "how are you doing" is "I'm doing, thanks very much." I'll have to remember that.

    MJ

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  • kathindc
    kathindc Member Posts: 2,042
    edited October 2017

    Even before cancer, as I got older and the aches and pains creeped in I've used that phrase. It works very well.

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  • Annie-B-7-14
    Annie-B-7-14 Member Posts: 52
    edited October 2017

    Runor, I love your post so much. You have captured exactly how I feel. I’m glad you’re DOING. Let’s all keep doing for many years to come

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  • DancingElizabeth
    DancingElizabeth Member Posts: 415
    edited October 2017

    Runor - thank-you for posting and putting into words exactly how so many of us feel...

    I really enjoyed reading your post...I feel the same way and it's a lonely sort-of weight that we carry around day in and day out...

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  • runor
    runor Member Posts: 1,798
    edited October 2017

    Yes! And thank you to all of you! This IS lonely and it IS scary and I don't know about you but I paste on a happy face as much to fool myself as everyone else. And I agree that the answer should not be 'I'm fine', but as other here have said,' I'm Doing.'

    How are you doing? I'm doing, thank you very much!

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited October 2017

    Maybe it is all the alcohol consumed while dyeing your hair. Ugh.

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  • EastcoastTS
    EastcoastTS Member Posts: 864
    edited October 2017

    These are making me laugh. Okay, I like wine AND I've colored my hair for quite a number of years! So that solves that mystery. But my cat just got lung cancer (I wish I was kidding) and he does not color his hair, smoke or drink! So -- what about him?

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  • Tappermom383
    Tappermom383 Member Posts: 643
    edited October 2017

    I used it this morning, runor! At my fitness class a friend asked how I was doing and I replied, "I'm doing, thanks!"

    MJ

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  • EastcoastTS
    EastcoastTS Member Posts: 864
    edited October 2017

    Thanks, KB870. I'm giving him lots of love and pretty much taking care of him like a baby right now. Just going to miss him and trying to prepare...

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  • rljes
    rljes Member Posts: 547
    edited October 2017

    Stupid Comments:  When I told my brother, He replied ' Oh, its only breast cancer, you'll be fine' 

    Right there with you Scared67 - I hardly told anybody. Don't want the sad emojis and tearful 'I'm sorrys'.  The Best reply I got was 'I am sorry you have Cancer - How can I help'? 

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  • puppiesnalpacas
    puppiesnalpacas Member Posts: 13
    edited October 2017

    Arrrrgh, I hate talking to my parents about this crap.

    Mom: "It must have been the birth control pills you took."

    Dad: "You need to make sure to have minimal surgery and minimal medications. Your aunt had minimal treatment and she's doing fine now... and some woman I knew had a mastectomy and I think it was overkill... (and then continues to tell me a story about how a dentist wanted him to do deep cleaning and he opted for regular cleaning, as an example of doctors pushing aggressive treatment)" And when I got angry at him, he continues with crap about how he does research and how he teaches some doctors about stuff, and somehow that means he knows things.

    @#$%!

    Love this forum for making me laugh... otherwise, I'd feel so alone.

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  • TWills
    TWills Member Posts: 679
    edited October 2017

    That sounds exactly like my dad!!!!

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  • solfeo
    solfeo Member Posts: 838
    edited October 2017

    My mom doesn't believe in conventional medical treatment of pretty much anything except broken bones. I didn't need chemo but she didn't want me to have the surgery or take an antihormonal either. She didn't think I needed treatment because "you have an excellent immune system" (her exact words shortly after my diagnosis). Oh really? The same immune system that allowed the cancer to develop in the first place? No, I don't think I'll be counting on that!

    Not to be controversial. I do believe the immune system has a role to play and I have taken steps to support and improve my general health since then, but I had been taking supposedly immune-boosting and cancer-preventive supplements for over a decade before my DX and she knew it. None of it prevented the cancer, so how exactly was any of that supposed to cure it? I couldn't even argue with her because the twisted logic involved rendered me speechless.

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  • puppiesnalpacas
    puppiesnalpacas Member Posts: 13
    edited October 2017

    Yeah, it's hard with argue with twisted logic.

    My parents pretty much think that sleeping right, eating right, and exercise will be enough.

    I just emailed my parents initial recs from the docs including both chemo and mastectomy, so I'm pretty sure I'll be getting an earful about it later...

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  • tlfrank
    tlfrank Member Posts: 199
    edited October 2017

    I don't have IDC - hope it's okay to post here because it still applies.

    So happy to have found this tread. My mother - a real piece of work - when I told her my diagnosis and tx options, actually said to me, "Imagine how I feel...." When I met that comment with silence, she went on to say "How would you feel if it were your daughter?" More silence from me......."Well, can you take care of my dog while I'm on a cruise next week?" Reply: "Gee I don't know mom, I guess it'll depend on if I've started radiation - we'll see how I feeI." Her reply "well, that's going to be a real problem for me."

    ummmmmmm what?

    I guess this is really all about her.

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  • TaRenee
    TaRenee Member Posts: 464
    edited October 2017

    it’s rude but it was kind of a reminder/wake up for me. I’m new to this cancer thing, 5 weeks out of BMX and dealing with TE and sometimes I get so discouraged because I’m tired and I can’t do what I want to do. My BFF looks at me and says, “I don’t know what you think is wrong. It’s not like you have cancer.” I got so upset. I cried. I spiraled down a bit. But, then I thought, well ya dummy, you DO have cancer. Give yourself a break. I may have forgiven her because I know she didn’t mean it to be ugly, I just can’t help how I took it.

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  • Wendiwithani
    Wendiwithani Member Posts: 108
    edited October 2017

    "Well, can you take care of my dog while I'm on a cruise next week?" Reply: "Gee I don't know mom, I guess it'll depend on if I've started radiation - we'll see how I feeI." Her reply "well, that's going to be a real problem for me."


    This boggles my mind. Tell her to get a dog sitter or board the dog. Geez. Sorry. <3

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  • Lula73
    Lula73 Member Posts: 1,824
    edited October 2017

    Damn! From these stupid comments, maybe BCO was successful in "taking the fright out breast cancer" before they even started the stupid campaign! Everyone thinks this is all just a walk in the freakin park! 😵😱😫

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