Good prognosis, but am struggling emotionally

Well, the best possible scenario would be not having cancer, so I do disagree with your doctor. It's really understandable that you would be getting in touch with your distress at this point. There is no need to feel guilty about not having worse breast cancer, and you get to feel whatever it is you feel about having your life suddenly change in this way.

I was in a support group for BC and there were only three younger women including me. Both died within a year but I was node negative and stage 1 and had horrible survivor guilt. I was depressed and overwhelmed. I went to the counselor at the cancer center she told me " You can only own your own journey. What you are going through is what you are going through. We all play the cards we are dealt."

your feelings are your own its perfectly ok and it might help to talk with the counselor at the cancer center. They get it far more than just random friends who can say some pretty flippant things.

As far as the support you are getting just be gracious and let those around you know you are relieved to be stage 1 and optimistic about your treatment. Use it as an opportunity to educate those around you. Everyone thinks Breast Cancer is cured so many women die from it. I am not saying be a downer just make it easier for the next women who gets diagnosed.

I had a friend who had the same diagnosis you are detailing me. She looked like she was hit with a truck for a few months especially around radiation but she was relieved and vibrant. She also was the first one to come and help me and support me when I had my diagnosis.

I totally felt this until I looked into it more and realized - Holy ____ I could die from this and sooner than I had planned! My radiologist was awesome in getting me to deal with this emotionally and not sweeping it under the rug. I saw others who were looking worse off and felt so guilty. Yet, I may be there at some later date. It forced me to look at my mortality and I'm still trying to wrap my head around this - only now just beginning to because when tx is ahead of you there is too much to do and show up for. For many in my family I look like "I'm over it" and it often feels like just the beginning of dealing with the emotions. Use this community as a support, it really helps when you need it. Good luck and keep us posted!

My sister had stage 1, no nodes, didn't do chemo, and was able to have a lumpectomy. She, too, feels guilty for having a "less bad" BC. Not only am I very happy for her, but I completely support her sadness and upset about her own body and experience.

Dear Kat, Dear All:

Thanks for this post - so much.

I have felt this way for three years and didn't have the courage or even the words to post these feelings.

I had a tubular diagnosis and felt guilty saying how much it still distresses me. Lumpectomy, rads. I told virtually no one.

A recent scare - 3 biopsies in the treated breast - brought all the fears back. Right alongside a job loss. Age 55. Ugh.

I see others struggling with more right now and I feel like I should just be quiet.

But I am still so upset and afraid of all the poking, prodding, frightening possibilities.

Cancer takes away your "life of endless possibilities" thinking and inserts fear in its place.

Someone wiser than me - on this board I hope - will perhaps share good words to quash the fear and help me lift my head up and stop being so afraid.

Thanks so much for listening, considering and reading this note. I know you understand.

Love,

Belle xx

Katrientjie wrote: I am just hoping and praying that there will be some purpose in all of this.

I wonder why cancer is thought of differently to other diseases, it makes no sense to me. We don't expect measles, mumps, diabetes, heart disease, strokes, etc to have a purpose.

Just always struck me as odd, get cancer, wait for an epiphany.

Anyhow, back to your original post, how you feel is how you feel, it is not wrong. Cancer is cancer, there should be no hierarchy.

I don't believe that everything happens for a reason, nor that misfortunes have a purpose other to remind us that s..t happens, life is arbitrary & capricious, and we can't expect everything in life to go our way despite having checked all the right boxes on the to-do list. I too have a "good prognosis" (though not as "good" as the OP whose tumor is tiny and only Grade 1). But it's still cancer, we didn't expect it, it all hit us between the eyes like a 2x4 when we least expected it. In my support group I'm the only one who had neither chemo nor mastectomy. But nobody there--not even the Stage IV women--considers me an impostor. (I had feared they would and it took me a few months to work up the courage to come to the meetings).

By the time my paternal grandmother was my age, she had been dead two months from her second heart attack. None of us is immortal. But that doesn't mean we have no right to be scared and/or pissed off about having cancer. We do own our own journeys, without obligation to explain or apologize.

Dear Kat:

Thanks so much for your truly kind post - it's great just to be here and share and connect. I hope we will keep in touch. Sending you much love xx Belle

I am so very sorry you have been struggling. Please know that your post about saved me. I too share all your feelings but mine came out immediately after surgery when they found two additional tumors with malignant characteristics. I am a strong woman and this has tested me to my core. As I was coming out of anesthesia, I was told about the tumors and had expected everything to have gone smooth. I was even happy to have surgery! But I started to cry, almost hysterically and it continued that night and for the next two days. I thought I was going crazy and my partner, who was my primary support was overwhelmed. I have been beating myself up for not being grateful that my cancer is not worse, etc. I think we all process differently but its so important to be able to move the energy of our grief, anxiety and sadness (even terror) out from us in whatever form and time. Thank you so much for posting this.

Just came back from seeing my gyno for a baseline pelvic ultrasound since I started Tamoxifen. I haven't seen him since prior to my dx of BC. I told him how I felt I feel bad for feeling bad that I have cancer because so many others are worse off. He told me to remember that I did not get to choose to get cancer or to decide the type, the hormonal factors, size or grade. It just happens.

Grainnie, Very well said.

Meow - you've expressed exactly where I am 5 months post dx. This is a place where I come to experience compassion from others sharing this journey. It feeds my soul. Then I am able to go about my day feeling a little less alone.

I agree completely. My overwhelming reaction on diagnosis after a routine mammogram was utter astonishment. I felt that the doctor who broke the news was patronising and repeating a standard little speech, meant to be reassuring but failing and for months afterwards his words and especially his tone almost haunted me. It was only after my first post treatment mammogram a year later that I was able to move on. The (female!) radiologist said " there is nothing there that causes me even slight concern" and those words were like balm.

I have to say I never felt even slightly guilty about having a good prognosis. I was rocked to my core and horribly aware that there is no certainty for any of us moving forward. Now, i feel incredibly lucky and grateful

I also am struggling. I look and feel healthy since I've recovered from surgery and have not started other treatment yet so everyone acts like I'm fine. Inside I start to panic "I HAVE CANCER". Even though the prognosis is good, I'm floundering but pretending I'm ok so others don't worry.

Exercise guru..do you think you felt guilty that you had such a better prognosis? Or did you feel guilty for feeling depressed that, even though your prognosis was better, you still felt sad about having this disease?

Please don't. It's like a door you go through. No matter what stage..biomarkers, etc..I feel like my life will never be the same again. It changes you.

I'm trying to look at the bright side which is..I'm going to eat so much healthier now and get more exercise. I'm learning a lot about this disease that I can hopefully impart to others and help them.

That's all we can do..is look at the positives. And take time for ourselves. And grieve if we need to. I've been crying a lot.