Suddenly very angry with my husband (huge post)

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Dafne
Dafne Member Posts: 104
edited July 2017 in Mental Health: Because Cancer Doesn't Just Affect Your Breasts

It's been 10 months since my first bc diagnosis. I had a triple lumpectomy back then and after seeking opinions from half a dozen doctors decided to go for a double mastectomy with snl biopsy and TE placement at the same time. It's been 4 months since my BMX.

When I was first diagnosed I was newly married. We had just celebrated six months of marriage. I was happy, we had a beautiful, crazy, DIY wedding and I loved every minute of it. Our house was full of laughter, friends were coming over, we were having a great time and our sex life was fun and amazing too. We both wanted a baby and since age was somewhat against me (41) we were searching for an experienced gynaecologist to remove a big uterine fibroid so we could start trying. At the same time I signed a contract for a translation job I really wanted and we had just adopted a new baby cat.

Picture perfect, right? Yeah that's how it felt and that's how I felt too. Could not believe that for the first time in years my life seemed to the closest to what I always wanted it to be.

And then came cancer.

And robbed the newly found happiness of my life. First thing I lost was my new job. Had to break the contract and pay the penalties. Then part of my breasts in the first surgery and both my breasts in the second one. Then the dream of ever having a baby. 5 years on tamo won't give much of a hope. Also my body image, my piece of mind my innocence, my patience, my positivity, my energy, my sleep my laughter. Our everyday talks now are about tests and drugs and trips to the hospital, our friends kept their distance and I was not in a mood to receive guests either way. Now I had to ask for help for almost anything.. heck I could not even open a damn bottle or brush my hair. Did I mentioned pain? OK, pain is the one thing I gained except extra weight. Everyday pain with those torture devices called TE. Plus some more pain with a mild lymphedema in both my arms and a right frozen shoulder. Oh, and a right TE that's leaking and needs refilling every 10 days. Did you know that the saline leaking although harmless is extremely painful at the moment it leaks? It's like a sharp sudden stabbing / burning sensation. Not good, believe me.

And then came the dreaded BRCA test. Due to my age, a really heavy family history and my bilateral cancer docs and the genetic specialist guy were sure I would be positive. So I had to struggle for a month to come to terms with another huge surgery, a full hysterectomy this time. How many levels hell has? Quite a few I would say.

And all those months till very recently my husband has been my rock and my strength and my courage when I was lost in panic attacs and constant anxiety and doubts and fears and total terror and despair at times. He has always been there for me he never stopped supporting my decisions he never made me feel unwanted or undesired as a woman. He stood by me all the way. And then he became my nurse, my caregiver, the one who changed the bandages after each surgery, who would bathe me and wash my hair and holding my hand to sleep when I could not, who would cook and clean and take care of everything. He was there doing and telling all the right things and I can't really complain about anything. Not really. But... BUT...

Two great outcomes came out of the blue: one, my MO told me I would need no chemo. Two, the damned BRCA tests came back negative. Both were pure miracles and one would think I should be finally starting to ease up a little maybe relax a little maybe start finding myself a little. Well, nope.

For the past couple of months or so I feel like I could file for divorce any time. I am constantly angry with my husband, I lose my temper I yell at him, sometimes I can't even stand being in the same room with him. I am saying things that I know will hurt him, I am being mean and I swear there are times I just wanna scream I hate you.

I seem to notice every minor flaw he has, every little annoying habit. Even the way he speaks or talks or laughs seem to getting on my nerves. I criticise him all the time and I am not happy with anything he does. Am I being crazy? Am I loosing it? Am I such a bad, nasty person?

I don't know. I just don't know.

I ve been seeing a psychologist specialised in bc patients and she is really nice and seems to find almost everything normal and within the greeving time frame. Even the fact that I cry almost everyday for no apparent reason and that I get depressed over any crazy thing (a TV ad with babies or puppies).

Crazy thing? I STILL love my husband. But I don't know who we are anymore. Where is the crazy in love woman I was only 10 months back? Where is my lover, where is our life and our dreams and our plans?

What have I become, what have we become?

And why can't I just be happy and celebrating all the good results and anything good that has remained?

What happened to me?



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  • jjAriz
    jjAriz Member Posts: 28
    edited July 2017

    Dafne,

    I am so sorry for what you're going through. This should be a blissful time in your life and that bliss was all sucked away in an instant. Pain, anger, resentment . . . I understand that. I'll pray that you find some comfort and more strength.

    Blessings,

    Jamie

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  • Freya244117
    Freya244117 Member Posts: 603
    edited July 2017

    Dafne, everything you are feeling in entirely normal. Your life has been turned upside down, inside out and tumbled around. To expect that you would be the same is the irrational thing :).

    Talk to your husband, let him know it's nothing personal, it's not him, it's this process. Just keep talking to each other is the only advice I have. We joke about it in my home, stuff like, I love you more today than I did yesterday, because yesterday you really pissed me off. Let him know it's ok for him to say that he is annoyed as well. I sometimes think it is harder on the partners, they feel useless and just have to watch you suffer, and don't feel like they can say how they feel.

    Instead of fighting each other, become a team and fight the real enemy, breast cancer. Talk, talk. talk, and use dark humour to get you through, it works for us. We always have something to look forward to, a weekend away or the like.

    One other thing is to let go of how you think things should be, and learn to accept to live life how it is. That can be the hardest.

    Best wishes.

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  • Jackster51
    Jackster51 Member Posts: 357
    edited July 2017

    Dafne, your post brought me to tears.... No one really gets all that what we go through. I have 3 words for you : Lack Of Estrogen!!! The exact same thing happened to me and my relationship - although sadly we did not survive it - I went into Instapause after chemo - and it sounds like Tamoxifen is doing the same thing to you. It is a 'real thing'. A real scary, dark, mean, confusing thing. Some women (they say 20-25%) experience this dramatic negative effect with estrogen withdrawl. But don't expect a doctor to get it. I still see a psychiatrist 5 years on due to that time. I'm on anti depressants which help some.. But I'll never forget those pitch dark days. So so sorry you are going through this. PM me any time if you want. Speak to your therapist and ask about some happy meds. Big Hugs to you.

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  • Lula73
    Lula73 Member Posts: 1,824
    edited July 2017

    The stress of BC and everything that comes with it is enough to tip anyone over the edge. Add in the tamoxifen and it can be a recipe for disaster. Tamoxifen blocks the estrogen from entering the receptors in your cells and as a result it builds the estrogen levels in your blood up. This can result in mood swings. My saint of a husband has told me that I haven't been the same woman he married since diagnosis but he knows it's the meds and stress. If you haven't already discussed it with your MO, an anti-depressant or anti-anxiety med may help with the issues you're experiencing. Be sure to double check behind your MO on which one he prescribes and any interactions with tamoxifen. I hope your pain eases soon.

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  • Brightness456
    Brightness456 Member Posts: 340
    edited July 2017

    Oh goodness, my heart goes out to you. I have been alone for years now, which in some ways makes this easier. What I think I hear in your words is that you're so fortunate to have a supportive husband and you're so afraid of losing him even while you're seemingly annoyed by him. Hormones are so unfair.

    If possible, maybe when you're feeling calm, you could talk with andpraise your husband and thank him for his help with everything and tell him how sad you feel to have lost that crazy in love feeling for the time being. Let him know you want to get back to that feeling, so he knows it was real. If you're able to explain to him that you know your thoughts and actions don't add up with your logic and the facts, perhaps it will be easier on him when you can't help but lash out.

    My situation is very different, but a week after I found out how serious this is, I apparently broke and yelled at my daughters and sister. My daughters came around and recognized that it was normal, but my sister still keeps her distance. She screamed at me as well, but I'm the only one who apologized. It hurts very much to know that even at such a frightening time in my life, I was expected to think of others rather than myself.

    I truly hope everything works out for you with your health and with your marriage. To me, you sound very much in love, but understandably thrown by this new path life is forcing upon you.

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  • Traveltext
    Traveltext Member Posts: 2,089
    edited July 2017

    I second everything Freya said and reiterate this:

    "Instead of fighting each other, become a team and fight the real enemy, breast cancer. Talk, talk. talk, and use dark humour to get you through..."



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  • farmerlucy
    farmerlucy Member Posts: 3,985
    edited July 2017

    Also be aware that many of us experience a sort of PTSD after active treatment ends, I sure did. My PCP believes that breast tissue has some type of hormonal effect on the body and that many women crash when they lose it. Invite Tamoxifen to the part, et voila, chaos!

    I also agree that an antidepressant helps tremendously. You have been through so much. Right now I wouldn't make any big decisions. It is so hard to see the forest for the trees. It is going to take time to work through the grief of your life taking a different turn than what you imagined. That certainly does not mean it is over. Take the time now to rest and accept whatever you feel. You are forever changed. That is ok. A new resilient, compassionate, woman is waiting to rise from the ashes of the devastation. It takes time to get there. It is hard work. Some days you think your life is always going to be dark and sad. I promise it won't be. Gentle hug to you.

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