If you can't say anything nice ...

I believe there has to be some way of rating posters and/or posts on this site. I've heard the argument, "this is not a popularity contest", but I would counter this and say it is. By letting members like posts, and by respected members gaining "credits" new members can judge the person giving them advice. Now, I know BarredOwl is a treasured contributor here, but a newbie wouldn't have a clue about this. OK, you can tell by a member's post count that they've been here a while, but quantity doesn't necessarily equal quality.

Beesie has put forward some constructive suggestions, but, like her, I've never seen any evidence that the site owners give a hoot about what users think. The mods said major improvements were coming this year, so let's see what eventuates.

In my opinion we could all stand to re-read our responses to newcomers through a lens of 'how would this make me feel in her/his situation.' I've been appalled numerous times to see long-time members snap at someone who really didn't deserve it - not a 'cancer wannabe' but someone who perhaps hasn't yet filled out their profile but does provide the info in the body of their post. Or who simply doesn't have the lingo down pat. I, myself, early on was very harshly corrected by a long-time member when I quoted info received from my radiologist - and I still remember how that made me feel. I don't want to leave anyone else feeling that way.

I do think that, in terms of profiles, the earlier comment about new members lacking the information or having privacy concerns is really important. We should all keep in mind that those are valid concerns and phrase our comments accordingly.

Most first posters come here afraid, vulnerable, and looking for support as much as help. I agree that asking for profiles straight out is not a great idea. I also think that there's no best way to reply, and often just knowing there's a sympathetic ear out there is huge thing for newbies. At least it was for me.

Traveltext and Meow13 You both get it. This whole thing started about the first posters that just wants to here some comforting words. Then it all get blown out of proportion

People are usually drawn to posts that reflect their personal situation or beliefs (alternative treatments e.g.) so Imdon't think agreement signifies accuracy of information

I'm wondering if BCO should have a forum for Newbies, a place where they can gather and ask questions. It might cut down on the confusion of maneuvering between different forums, site rules and regulations. (As others have said, we are all clueless in the beginning and need a roadmap, stat.) Maybe the forum could include a disclaimer stating something like: Please try to be informative but kind. The newly diagnosed are looking for guidance and support. Criticism can be toxic to them in their fragile state.

Good idea pupmom.

It's nice that we can keep a moot discussion going! While BCO fiddles, the Internet burns with new groups. Not just Facebook, but sites like wisdo.com have big breast cancer help groups.

I'd love to be able to LIKE Leatherette's post, rather than have to make a new post for the same thing.

I don't believe that the Moderator positions are full-time, but it's never been my understanding that they are volunteer positions. If I'm wrong about that, someone please correct me on that.

Regardless of that, if BC.org are going to host a discussion board on a medical subject (breast cancer diagnostics and treatment), I think they have some responsibility to ensure that the information provided to people who come here is as accurate as possible.

And no, from spending 11 1/2 years reading newbies' posts, I don't believe that most people come here simply looking for some comforting words. They come here because they are scared and confused, and most come here asking very specific questions about the diagnostic process or what their symptoms mean or what their diagnosis means in terms of treatment and prognosis. Comforting words are important but if the questions weren't also being answered, this board would have shrivelled up and died years ago, because not many people would have stuck around after their first post. They would have left and looked for somewhere else to get the answers to their questions.

But maybe I just don't get it. And I suppose therefore that all the time I've spent over the years trying to carefully and as accurately as possible answer those questions was misguided and a waste of my time. I mean if all people need is comfort and (((hugs))), why am I, and all those maligned frequent posters, concerned about the relevance and correctness of information that's passed along?

Oh well, maybe I'm finallystarting to see the light!

Beesie, I doubt anyone had in mind a single word you've ever written when they started this thread. Your posts offer a wealth of information, generally tailored to the specific question and they do not come across as harsh or abrupt.

Beesie, I often think of how complete your response was for lumpectomy vs mastectomy decision. In fact it is the most comprehensive I have ever seen. Maybe the board could keep some of these posts in a Newbie things to consider section. It seems hard to find the particularly good posts and maybe we need a place to keep them for easy access.

Beesie - thanks for understanding that many of us are just trying to educate the new posters so they can get a better response. And so their data will still be available when the thread turns to the 2nd page.

Freya - thanks for saying that "girls" shouldn't always be told to stay in line & keep to their place & be nice. We all do have valid opinions.

I like many others have spent much time trying to pay forward what this thread meant to me.

I like many others, do NOT want to see Facebook type responses to posts.

And finally, I like many others who have not posted on this thread so far, will no longer be answering many questions or trying to give useful information.

Point 6 of the Community Guidelines states: "Be nice! You don't have to like everyone, but this bears repeating: You do need to respect everyone. No name calling, no harassment, no personal attacks against other members."

NotVeryBrave's topic title: "If you can't say anything nice..." reads, to me, as a light-hearted way of starting a discussion on board etiquette. Her suggestion was: "that if you can't answer someone's question in a helpful way then don't. You don't have to respond. Someone else will most likely come along and help that person."

Yep, I do get that girls are conditioned early on in many mays, including to be nice. As are boys in many other ways. But politeness, or even niceness, are certainly genderless traits.

All things considered, I think the discussion here has been useful.

I wonder if it's about adults not appreciating being shown the way. It is a bit condescending like an unspoken way of saying "be more like me"? *shrug*

I didn't realise this post was critical of our posters. Correcting people should be ok. I really hope new people feel welcome. That is our main purpose to help people not turn anyone away.

I will take care to give my honest advice and be kind.