I'm feeling sorry for myself tonight.

Thank you for your thoughtful replies, Ladies. Sometimes, I do feel very alone. It's good to come on here and shout out to the universe and get great replies that let me know I am not alone. I feel your love.

I appreciate your reassurance that there are friends out there and to take the time to grieve and mourn and get better in my own time. I'll text my counselor next week for an appointment. I'm obviously back into grieving again -- or depressed.

godie68, I am so sorry to hear of your diagnosis. It's so hard the first time -- and you survived. And now there's a second time ..... I's so glad your wife will be with you.

I'm glad you have your support people in place. Best wishes and {{{HUGS}}}

I'm so glad you understood about dealing with my wife's sisters. They are so sweet on the exterior, but such female dogs under that sweet exterior!

This is the first time I've written about the sisters, because they are all on my social media, reading everything I write online. I could never be honest about all of the roadblocks they tossed in my way after Emmy's death and while settling her estate. I've talked to some friends in private about them, but to be honest, my closest friends moved to Florida right after I had my biopsy. I miss them so much! Texting and calling aren't the same as being here. They were with me every day while Emmy was in the hospital. They kept me from going crazy.

Now that cancer is "over," I am very lonely. I still call friends about once a week to get together, but most of my friends are couples with kids. I feel awkward a lot of the time. I'm not ready to date, or to be 'set up' with someone. I'm not ready emotionally. I know i need to make some new friends, but am not sure how to go about it. I'd had my other close friends for so long that their leaving left another huge hole in my heart and life. How do you find new friends? Church? My beloved church is dying and membership is shrinking monthly. Not many new faces. No use to look for friends at work. I work with the same people, day after day. I do volunteer at a local animal rescue.

I just don't know what do.

I thought I'd post an update. I'm back in counseling and am processing some stuff related to my wife's illness and death and to my recurrence of breast cancer. I'm doing pretty good. Her birthday was last week. I took the day off and went to the movies. It was one of our favorite things to do. I ate dinner with a friend and we made a toast to Emmy (my wife).

This will sound strange; I never changed the pillowcase on Emmy's pillow after she went to the hospital. I've kept the pillow near to me, but never slept on it until recently. I've had some really, really bad insomnia, and sleeping on Emmy's pillow seemed to help me sleep better. I know it sounds kinda gross that I kept the same pillowcase on the pillow for a year and a half, but, honestly, it wasn't dusty or dirty or anything like that.

Tonight, I washed the pillowcase and put it back on the pillow. It may sound like a small thing, but to me it was another step towards letting her go.

Thanks for listening.

It's time for another update! Things are starting to fall into place for me, except for the social part. I began seeing a new psychiatrist that my oncologist recommended (insisted on). She is currently messing with and changing my psychotropic medications. I am sleeping better and find myself doing things that I've put off doing for a long time. It's much easier to get things done now. I concentrate better at work and am finally actively working with a problem employee I've avoided dealing with for months.

Although I see signs that I am doing better, I really don't feel any better. Hopefully, I will begin to feel better soon since I'm already "acting" better.

My new psychiatrist wants me to join a grief group, but all of the groups around here are run by non-affirming churches. She doesn't understand my outright refusal to attend a grief group at a non-affirming church (one that does not accept GLBTQ). She tells me grief is grief.

I know that grief is grief, but I don't want to attend a group only to be told that my love/grief for my spouse is somehow less than if we were a heterosexual couple. Perhaps that is prejudiced, but I have had very bad experiences with being judged by so called "religious" people since Emmy's death. But then again, I have had incredibly affirming experiences with some extremely fundamentalist people, too. I don't think of myself as religiously prejudiced; my psychiatrist is Muslim (Malaysia), my old psychiatrist is Hindu (India), and the counselor I saw for many years was from Pakistan (also Muslim). The counselor I sometimes see now is Native American. But all of these people were also gay affirming.

I don't know. What do you think about attending a grief group sponsored by a Church? (The dominant denominations in this area are Southern Baptist and Church of Christ. [they make Southern Baptists appear liberal]). I can probably talk to the counselor ahead of time, since I still have strong ties to the counseling community (I am a licensed professional counselor - but have not practiced in 15 years), and get a feel for how the group will be run.

Maybe I can find a good, online grief group.

Hi Tickety_Boo. Hi Gracie22. I belonged to the Metropolitan Community Church (a predominantly LBGTQ church) for over 25 years. Our pastor left, we got a new pastor and he effectively killed the church. Then, the treasurer embezzled all of the church's money and that was the end of the church. I loved that church and hated what happened to it. The members scattered and most do not attend any church now. The local social LBGTQ groups are much, much younger folks. I did try a couple of "Meet Ups," and found some really interesting people.

Oh, Wow! A new internet search just discovered a local (Affirming) Methodist Church finished a 6 week grief group on April 5th! I can call the church tomorrow and find out when they will do their next group! This was a sister church to my old church; I trust them.

Thanks for the feedback and for the push to find an appropriate group.

In other news, I got my first haircut since chemo this week. It looks good and feels good. I don't know where all the silver highlights came from or where my light brown hair went (it's now salt and pepper), but it's hair, and I'll take it