The Hermit Club

Hi Jazzygirl:

I love your quote. I think it is so true. When you feel seen and heard, you can somehow cope better. That is why I come to these boards. It is so so helpful.

I am doing better. Surgery is right around the corner now and I have had time to adjust a bit. Once I get the pathology from the mastectomy and treatment is really mapped out, I will feel even better.

A few people in my family have actually said to me, I seem so positive and upbeat about it all, which surprises me because I have been a wreck. I guess it is what I show to the world and I am unaware. I am glad they think that though because then they act more positive and upbeat around me and that helps lift me up out of my pit of anxiety.

Yoga is something I am going to try. I have only done it once or twice and am not that coordinated. LOL. But, I am going to go back to it now since it is so good for you.

wallan

THank you everyone - Jazzy that quote is just so apt.......the trauma therapist I saw when I was i full blown PTSD told me his way of working with trauma was listening and talking it through......and he was a really good close empathic listener......even though we only had Skype sessions.  Trauma cries out to be witnessed and in a way, shared, to be discharged otherwise its like a living nightmare.......

Thank you for being my witnesses - I went out on several walks today and feel a sense of achievement ...........it was a very windy day but I always notice I do feel better the more I move....despite the aches and pains in back and hips now!

I have only recently told people I have had cáncer, and even then it is not many and I only do so in settings where people will not ask any more........kind of indicating its a bit of a no go área........but even with the support here and my animals etc the loneliness is profound....or is tht just me?  I know I am very sensitive........

BEdtime now.....thank you ll for being there and Jazzy you are a wise one all right.....

Wallan so glad you have a pathway through (you will never see me using the Word journey)

Falconer if we stand side by side we will be one whole woman!!  SEriously thanks for your comments too........glad I made you smile.......night all

Lilly- so good to hear you had a good day. Getting outside always makes me feel better. Kuddos sister!

Wallen- I go down the rabbit hole every time I go in for my follow ups. All the what ifs. Just so overwhelming. When is your surgery date, friend?

Adarkadaptadi - totally get you, we are no longer part of the "normal" blase world........

Wallan good luck, the op is not that bad physically but emotionally I was a wreck.....others I know sailed through it. Its a massive body change, why wouldn't you be nervous. X

Wallan- with you. Holding you in the light.

Wallan will be thinking of you...xx

how are you doing Wallan? X

Wallen- I am so sorry to hear about the anesthesia reaction. You went through a lot there. Although I had lumpectomies and no recon as a result, I did vomit in the recovery room after my breast surgery. BP does sometimes go way high after surgeries, a home health nurse explained to me that is often the result of the body's response to pain. Happened to me as well and it would not come down so they put me on licinopril. The nurse sounds like she is taking good care of you.

I am glad you are back home and recovering. Protein is important for healing, yogurt, cottage cheese are all good things to help you during this time. Feel better friend. Thankful you are on the other side of this surgery.

Glad you are home Wallan and hope you feel better soon. Take good care of yourself

Hey ladies:

Just got back from another visit to the ER. The home nurse told me to go back this morning - my chills are not normal she said and I look ill. So, I went back and they did more blood work and now my liver enzymes are elevated and I need an ultrasound tomorrow. There was no one to do the ultrasound today. Sigh... The ER doctor was the same doctor I saw yesterday. I still do not have a fever. My drains are doing great. And, I am not in that much pain. My surgery wounds are healing nicely. LOL. The doctor did tell me they are worried about a blood infection but the cultures are not in from yesterday. (they did not tell me this yesterday!).He said first sign of blood infection can be shaking chills. Once the chills end, the fever spikes. So he said if I have any fever to return pronto. Otherwise, he said they really do not have an explanation for my chills except the anaesthetic reaction. The home nurse told me today that is not true. The anaesthetic would be out of my system by now. She said to push for answers. So who knows what the truth is? So, I am not sure what is going on with me. I do feel tired and nauseous from time to time and have diarrhea. That is from the antibiotics I have been on since day of surgery likely. They say I am not having a reaction to the antibiotics either. The doctor said time will tell. I will get worse or get better. That is the truth. But doctor said I have no emergency treatment needed as of yet.

I will let you know how the ultrasound goes. The liver enzymes are likely higher due to surgery, I bet.

Nice note - a on old friend of mine unexpectedly sent me flowers today. How wonderful is that? And my husband is really trying hard to be there for me. Sat with me in the hospital the whole time.

wallan.

Wallan, sorry to hear youhad such a strong reaction to the anesthesia. I did feel shaky for a good amount of time after- maybe a day- I can't remember as drugs were making me foggy. And yes I had the TE and the two drains. When you feel up to it, do the recommended arm exercises. Hope all goes smoothly for you now.

Wallan,

Listen to the advice of others. The chills are not normal so stay on top of this. While you are not going through chemo so your immune system is not totally kaput you have been under a lot of stress. If things don't improve, back you go! If we learn one thing from this stupid disease it is to be your own advocate.

So glad hubby is coming through for you. I know it has been a bit of a process. Hugs.

Pat

Wallen, The not knowing what has caused the chills to last so long must be frustrating. I do hope they continue to subside and that no infection develops so you can begin to heal and actually feel better.

Hey ladies:

Its 2 AM and I am exhausted yet am wide awake. My shivers have slowed down. I only tremble from time to time today. I am not even a week out from surgery. I am meditating and journaling to keep myself from freaking out and its working. I have no sign of infection, so maybe the shaking really was a lingering reaction to the anaesthetic like the surgeon said. My pain is not that bad. New ones come as the days go by. The inside of my new mastectomy scar, the one with the TE expander actually itches inside, but the outside part is numb. Weird experience. My drains are draining. So I am physically healing. I must say I feel absolutely, to the bone exhausted. I slept deep and long today. The exhaustion is still here, yet I have insomnia tonight. Maybe because I slept so long today. Who knows? I thought I would post and rant a bit. Generally, I am exhausted emotionally. But I have things to say. I am getting flowers delivered to me from co workers and friends. Actually delivered to me from a florist. How wonderful is that? My living room looks like a floral shop now.

This afternoon, I felt positive and thought I can beat this again. I can do this again. I am cancer free right now as far as I know. Yeah!! I felt cured. But tonight, at 2 AM, I am not so sure. Apprehensive. Where oh where will I find the strength and resilience to go thru this all over again? Sigh..... Well, the mastectomy is over. Now its the "adjuvant" treatment and the reconstruction. The reconstruction is a bigger beast than I realized. The surgeon says it may not take - the fat grafting on my other side. Again, I think is it worth it? Maybe I can get used to the "flat" look.

March 23 is the day I find out the pathology from the mastectomy. March 21 I have follow up with the PS. My new normal. Doctors appointments.

At least I have pretty flowers to smell and admire. How thoughtful people can be when you least expect it.

I had a friend call me today who told me she just found out a lady she swims with had breast cancer twice and she is now cancer free 10 years. I thought it was a positive, hopeful thing for her to call and tell me that. And I realized she is scared she will lose me. She was reassured herself about this other lady. The things you learn about what you mean to people after BC. This is a gift too.

And have you had your women friends confess to you that they are afraid of getting cancer themselves? It is making them reassess their lives too? Another gift.

wallan.

Hey Jazzygirl:

I hope your business trip was successful. Did you get to have some fun too?

The home nurse came by today and removed a drain. I now have only one left in. It is draining quite a bit still. But at least one is gone.

I am doing better. Still tired, but more energy. My pain is minimal really. It gets a bit sore at night.

My home nurse herself is afraid of getting breast cancer she told me. Like you, I told her just keep getting your mammograms and checking yourself out.

It is true that some people avoid you. I have one coworker who avoids me. Other coworkers have called, texted, and offered to visit. But she has avoided me. Well, she did say she would drop by to visit the other day because she had a gift from the office, but she cancelled at the last minute and said she couldn't come by. She did though, and left the gift between my screen door and front door and never even told me she was here. I just found it when the nurse came by. LOL.

I hope everything is okay with you.

wallan