Survivors Guilt

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Nel138281
Nel138281 Member Posts: 2,124
edited February 2017 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

3+ years NED and so very grateful 

Today I heard of another BC friend who has been told she has less than 3 months, mid 30's, 3 year old and a  loving husband. This is one of many losses I have heard of and experienced in my time NED.  We make friends and connections, that are so necessary and then we loose those connections.  I need the connections and it so hurts when friends pass.   I am 62, young adult children - no where near ready to go, but it just doesn't make sense. 

The roller coaster of our health ups and downs and the roller coaster of the connections and the losses

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited February 2017

    Nel, I am sorry to learn of yout friend with bc. We don't know why these things unfold the way they do. Please, tho, try not to have survivors guilt that you are still hanging in there. It is not as tho your friend is somehow taking your place. It isn't as tho God has some kind of daily quota to fill on whose turn it is to leave the earth and picks and chooses x number of people and chose her over you. Loss is always difficult, but it is random. The sad part of life is that death is part of it. It is not something we get used to. Grief and sadness and reflection are emotions that show how much you cared for someone who's gone. Many hugs for you this evening.


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  • 50sgirl
    50sgirl Member Posts: 2,527
    edited February 2017

    Nel, I am sorry about your friend. Devine has expressed things perfectly.. It is normal for us to feel guilty when we are left behind while others pass from this earthly life. Life isn't fair. Death isn't rational. Suffering isn't deserved. Cancer doesn't discriminate. We have no control over life and death. My thoughts and prayers are with you as you face the months ahead with your friend. Take time to process your feelings. We all understand what you are going through.

    Hugs from, Lynne


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  • Heidihill
    Heidihill Member Posts: 5,476
    edited February 2017

    Adding my hugs, thoughts and prayers. There's no answer to why me? that I know of. Neither why me? as cancer patient or, turned on its head, as survivor.

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  • Anonymous
    Anonymous Member Posts: 1,376
    edited February 2017

    Nel -- Sorry for the loss of your friend, and you are not alone in wrestling with the survivor's guilt aspect. I know I've dealt with it multiple times especially when I was NED. I agree with divine as well, and it has always helped me to think that I could honor their & my memory by living as well as possible in the time I've been given.

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited February 2017

    Hugs from me too. Your friend, she wouldn't want you to feel guilty, would she? Seriously, I hope everyone here outlives me. And I'm sure she wants you to live as long as possible.

    It's difficult. We meet ladies with the same diagnosis and there's an instant bond. Unfortunately that means we'll suffer losses of friends more than most people.

    Did I mention hugs? I hope your friend is free of pain and feeling loved and appreciated.

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  • AmyQ
    AmyQ Member Posts: 2,182
    edited February 2017

    Nel, we're the same age and I too question loss of those much younger...be it from cancer, another terminal illness or accidents etc. The only thing that gives me comfort is reminding myself that God has a plan.

    I don't know if you are religious or spiritual in any way, but if you are, I hope this thought helps you.

    Hugs,

    Amy

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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited February 2017

    I have known so many before me who should have had better outcomes then myself. (I was triple + and stage IIIC from the get go)

    and although I have mets official dx in 2008, (probably earlier) I am still here, and many aren't. I am lucky. I know it. It sucks and we just can tell who is going to be a long term survivor and who isn't...

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  • Nel138281
    Nel138281 Member Posts: 2,124
    edited February 2017

    Thanks to all    I am spiritual and know there is a plan (where are the Cliff Notes I could use them now to understand)    She was full of life and continues to be flipping the finger at cancer from her hospital bed   There is  a group of planning on visiting next weekend    We all have IBC and that is how we met. Hopefully she will be up for it   Emotions are not my strength -  this will be a tough one but with good connections 

    And I do try and grab each day   My son, 23, has moved into his first apt today.  He is my baby   we were married 10 years, medical intervention etc, before he came home thru adoption.  I love him more than I can even begin to describe and this is his time to fly and do as he wants. I am good with this but miss him already   I will adapt to my new equilibrium   I take joy in his moving - managing it by himself (OK except for some $) He is excited and so am I  

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