The "Be Positive" myth

The way I feel I learned to cope with the diagnosis is my vibration got lower, if that makes sense. Sure, I appreciated life's blessings before. I didn't need bc as a wake up call. But afterwards, I changed where and how I spent my energy. The first year, dealing with treatment, I stopped many things. Then, as I healed and moved forward, I was cautious what I picked back up. Asked myself, how does being involved with...... make me feel? If it felt like my energy was being drained, I left it. Have to be careful, sometimes those dull things creep back in and I need to purge again

Rather than embrace the "positive" myth, I define myself as being tough. Yes, I feel collapsed at times but I move forward. The lower vibration conserves my energy and when I choose to expend more of it on what really makes me happy, like say a vacation, I have more of a reserve to draw upon. This being perky positive everyday is for the birds. I seek more meaningful interaction.

Kind of like the no pain no gain myth. I don't need to prove myself by painful treatment to prevent recurrence. I don't need the guilt trip oh your mother, husband and grown sons need you crap.

I'm not sure why it seems some ladies seem almost offended to be called strong. Strong is not a bad thing, I embrace it. Having days that I'm scared, or cry, or actually emotionally don't want to leave my house,or keeping things to myself(at times), is not weak.......it is NORMAL. This is hard. Some people can barely handle a cold. The idea that you do what you have to, can only be said by a strong person, many people in life cannot, they can barely do what they should. Take it and use it to empower you to continue.

On another note the "I know it will all be fine" or "breast cancer is a curable one" or " but you are good now right?"....... These comments are on a different level. Made by people with either no tact, no knowledge, no empathy, or just so awkward they don't know what else to say. These comments make me sad because this made me personally feel alone.

So I will take "you are strong" any time. And I hope it makes me feel it more and more, because I often question if I will ever be as 'strong' as I was before cancer.

Be well ladies

I get what you're saying Determined. Being called strong is not a bad thing. I love that you embrace it. I think some women may feel that being described that way, tho, misses and/or minimizes the roller coaster of emotions we go through: fear, anger, anxiety, sadness, panic, confusion, uncertainty, ect. These do not make us feel strong. Some women may feel that being called strong sounds like people think they have things under control and do not need any extra help, but this is usually a time when we need more support that ever.

I do think we all dig down deep to find that which is in us to move forward and do what we have to do in the situation and that is certainly strength.

When I had someone tell me that I was "so strong", I felt like they thought I had a choice here. As if they themselves could say "I'm not strong enough for this" and turn their back on cancer. I'd never asked for this. I'm not strong; I was coping in the best way I knew how. The woman who said this to me knew that my at-that-time boyfriend was not really standing by me and she was recently married; the two men were best friends. I thought there was an undercurrent in what she was saying. She had support for her issues that I didn't have.

At the time of my diagnosis I was working for a therapist I had previously seen for therapy (yes it sounds like a conflict of interest). When I got breast cancer I set up some sessions with her and she made several comments. One was that stage one breast cancer was pretty much like "the common cold now". Another comment she made was to look at it as an opportunity to "get new boobs". I was vulnerable and I was floored. I had a counselor at the school where I work (who's had a tremendous amount of grief and loss training) talk to me about how she knew a woman who had a bilateral mastectomy and ended up with gorgeous breasts through reconstruction. These two women left me speechless. I don't know if they were just so uncomfortable with breast cancer or really just that ignorant. Insensitivity can reign sometimes in the face of this diagnosis. These instances are well behind me, I'm out a ways now, but I haven't forgotten them.

mybee, wow.

First, you explain your feelings so well when you say: "When I had someone tell me that I was "so strong", I felt like they thought I had a choice here. As if they themselves could say "I'm not strong enough for this" and turn their back on cancer. I'd never asked for this. I'm not strong; I was coping in the best way I knew how."

As for the therapist and school counselor, I am floored at their crude, insensitive words. Stage 1 = the common cold??!!! Gorgeous breasts thru reconstruction?? This is exactly what I mean when I say women's fears, concerns and the whole of everything they must deal with when given a bc diagnosis is far too often trivialized. And it shouldn't ought to be.

mybee33....therapist?! Pretty poor at it for sure

People sometimes say stupid things. Through ignorance, fear, being self absorbed, sorry (not to be harsh) but some people are useless. Others honestly think they are helping. I was honestly more vulnerable at some times than others.

I find it helps to reduce the impact of these careless comments when I look at where they come from most of the time. Sometimes it still hurts, and for a while.

My own sister refused to tell my 16 and 18 year old nieces about my biopsy because "if it's ok then I worried them for nothing"! Really?!!! It felt like a lot more than nothing with all the testing and results before it. My nephews knew from day 1 and were so supportive. My nieces were shocked and upset when they finally heard I had cancer without warning. This hurt, and still does.

Somehow bc became less scary ......until you get it.

At least we can support each other!

Be well ladies

Mybee, This forum has been a great support to me as well, for the same reasons you list. I remember at first not even knowing what kind of thoughts I should be thinking, it was all so confusing. A big wiry jumble of tangled confusion in my head. Then I would read women on here still cooking dinner, taking vacations, working, shopping for clothes, raising kids still while getting treatment, dealing with loss of hair and side effects, taking it a day at a time yet always moving forward. It helped me find my new normal.

I totally agree about the importance of this website and the ladies on this discussion board. I don't post a lot but I read every day. It's the first place I turn to when confused, worried, angry, depressed - whatever. I can always find what I need here. I don't expect friends and family to understand what I'm going through. They are there for me with love and caring. But the ladies here know the realities of life with breast cancer. It's always helpful to have support from those in the same situation.

Switching topic slightly but still related to "being positive": Privacy

I'm newly Stage 4. Four weeks ago I was busy preparing my Year 11 for their GCSEs this May. I was raising my 3 teenagers and getting on with life. Memories of 2011 not gone but on back burner. Fast forward to now/ chemo begins next week.

My gripe is people finding out, PM from an old neighbour asking for details of my treatment plan when actually I don't want to share that with you or anyone really, never mind the real risk of it then getting out there!

Hi DivineMrsM

That nosy ex neighbour sent another private message 2 days after the " have you started any treatment?" One which I ignored.

She said: "We're you and Richard just out walking near the shops?"

Me: "No, why?"

Neighbour- " Oh I thought I saw you both"

She then made small talk before asking how I was doing and was I free for a chat over Easter?

She is also a teacher like me and I don't want to have to go over this. In contrast we had a lovely day with close friends yesterday and I did tell Zoe about it but then we talked about our busy lives, walked, had lunch...

How shall I view this woman? Maybe I'm being mean

Jackboo, what a persistent ex neighbor! I do not think you are being mean in anynway. And if you are, so what? Women are not required to play the role society insists they play, "keeping sweet" and always being that nice girl. We are allowed to get pissed off.

Your instincts tell you that there is something about this woman that doesn't sit well with you. Listen to that instinct. You can still be diplomatic and email her to say that right now, you are busy dealing with many things (you do not even have to explain what that means) and that you are sure she can understand and if you have any free time over Easter, you will give her a call. And then of course, never call her. Yes, you must look at this as protecting your own emotional well being. Embrace all your feelings, it is okay to be irritated.

Your medical issues are absolutely no one else's business.

Meow, same with your mom's medical issues. It is perfectly okay to say to the nosy neighbor, "I appreciate your concern so much, however, my mom has asked me not to discuss her medical issues with anyone as she prefers privacy."

We can all learn to flex our assertive muscles and not allow nosy people to bulldoze over us in an attempt to feed their addiction to gossip.

I have a friend who calls me from time to time. I had never quite figured out why she made me uncomfortable until this last phone call. She would ask me questions such as, "how is your Hashimoto's doing?" Or "And how about your cancer?" (I've been, I suppose you could say, cancer-free for almost 6 years). At one point she asked "but what are you doing for fun?" My budget is a little limited these days as is my energy due to my fibromyalgia and other health issues. I realized that this particular person, this friend, has boundary issues and I'm not comfortable with that anymore. However as I am becoming clearer with my own boundaries I find I am alone more often. I think the problem is that I didn't set these boundaries a long time ago. Luckily, I enjoy my own company.

I also agree about boundries. I have a friend who I know has good intentions, but cannot help herself to gossip. She's not a bad person, and would do anything to help a friend out. But my news is my news to share if I choose, so when I had a double mastectomy I told her they removed the cancer. That's it. When she persisted I repeated the same answer. If someone askedme something in the past, I always answered to be polite. Now I realize that people do not have the 'right' to know everything , that's up to me, so I just respond "I don't want to discuss that right now, i hope you understand", if they persist then I don't feel bad to shut it down lol.

When trying to show concern for others, I preface a question with a similar comment, such as if you don't want to talk about things I understand, but I'm here when and if you do and I want you to know that.

If you don't tell people not to persist, some people think that means to try harder. Set your boundaries, and you don't need to apologize for it. This experience will enlighten you to those who really care and those who want the story.