The "Be Positive" myth

Great link!  Thanks for posting it.

This is a great thread so am bumping it up again. It was once very helpful to me

Thank God it's not just me!!

I get so tired of hearing a positive attitude is what you need. Mostly I'm an upbeat person, but this makes me feel like I'm slacking. Gee I'm sorry my damn skin is peeling off, my back is going through sciatica so I have to use a cane, and I'm still waiting on biopsy results from endo. Additional tests?? 😳 So I got a lot of shit on my mind and yes the thought of mets has occurred to ME!!? I'm scared shitless and if I wanna be grumpy it's because my body is rebelling. Sometimes I wanna say you know where you can put your positive attitude!?! Yes they mean well.

Well put, Divine!

Just like I told the nurse when I was having my 2nd baby, I am getting medication and that when she has her baby she can choose no medication.

Amen, Meow and Divine (and reaching out across the ether to high-five Barbara Ehrenreich). My advice to people who've been dealt a lousy hand by cancer (or other life matters)? First, admit that it sucks like an Electrolux and don't let anyone tell you otherwise. Then go through your cabinets and look for chipped and cracked dishes you've been itching to throw away. If you don't have enough of them, check out garage sales and junk shops. Drive out to some abandoned property that has a big rock or a semblance of a wall. For each specific aspect of your plight that scares you scream out its name as you throw that piece of junk against the wall or rock and revel in its destruction. Will it turn your life around? No. Will it even make you feel good or happy? Probably not, except perhaps fleetingly.

But it acknowledges that you own your pain, fear and anguish—as well as your anger, even rage, about it. Your reaction is yours, and it is legitimate. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise and steal your right to be upset.

In a similar vein, I had so many people tell me that I was 'so strong' or that they wouldn't be as strong as I was. I had no idea what they were talking about and finally to one I said as much. I think people wanted to think of me as strong because it made them feel better; They didn't see the days alone and struggling or the emotional turmoil. I'm a private person I suppose. I had no idea what they meant by strong and still don't. I just did what I had to do and there was nothing plucky or positive about it. I've never considered myself a survivor either but rather just one who endures when needed. That's all I think we can do really. This is a good thread. It's only positive I think to be truthful with our experience and our emotions. It makes the path easier or perhaps paves it well for other women who will unfortunately come after us.

I didn't have a lot of friends or family around me; of necessity perhaps breast cancer did make me stronger than I know. However I also know I get sick now with colds, flu, allergies and sinus infections at the drop of a hat. I think you're right. They didn't see me crying or relying on others so thought I was strong but it's taken it's toll. If I'd had a good local support group I think it might've been a good thing. Breastcancer.org was invaluable because of the absence of other support in my life. I was also divorced when I went through cancer. All that may have given the impression of strength but again it was just coping with life's circumstances. I think we're all stronger than we know but, it catches up with you. And that is far different from "being positive". You are an impressive group of women.

Sandy, breaking dishes? Smashing advice! I very much agree with your comments on allowing ourselves to acknowledge the myriad of legitimate feelings: pain, fear, anger, ect.

Mara and others, yes, after diagnosis, I had to look deep down within myself to see if I had what it took to deal with it all, and if I couldn't find what I felt was necessary, I had to figure out a way to create it. It turns out, I needed both. A teeny tiny bit I had and then I forged new ways of coping. Certainly this forum's members with all their support and insight and information went a long way in teaching me new skills along those lines.

Being realistic as opposed to being perky positive feels more authentic to me. That's where I want to be. I am more true to myself. I'm not going to laugh at jokes that aren't funny or be fakely impressed with mediocre things. I'm not going to plaster an insincere smile on my face for the sake of being accepted. If that means i give off a different vibe, it's okay with me because it is in line with who i am and not what others expect or want me to be. I know I am a decent person, so the insincere positivity is unnecessary.

I've actually had people tell me that breast cancer is no big thing these days. The survivor percentages are great. There's no reason not to be positive. I blame that attitude on the pink phenomenon that has overtaken our country in recent years. Yes, great strides have been made in early diagnosis, treatments, genetic testing, etc., but when you are actually diagnosed with a large tumor and have positive nodes - well, staying positive is hard to do. When you do your research and realize that those great survivor statistics mainly relate to cancers found very early - well, staying positive is hard to do. When every pain in your body sends you to the dark side wondering if IT has spread to your bones or brain or wherever the pain is - well, it's hard to stay positive.

I'm not a negative person but I do consider myself a realistic person. I know people are just trying to be supportive but being positive isn't going to kill any cancer cells floating around in my body and I resent being told it will. I guess that's why this website is so important to me. It's positive, realistic and supportive all rolled into one. It's the first place I turn to when I need information, encouragement and hope. Thanks ladies.

NativeMainer, I don't even want to wait for someone else to be sick or hurt so I can turn the tables. I mean, I just don't want them in my life AT ALL!

I see that although I'm still doing the first steps of my bc journey, I became less tolerant of people, especially those "hey, it's a piece of cake nowadays" type of people. Plus, I stopped pressing myself. I won't do that phone call if I don't feel like it, won't book another project 'cause now I know I need to focus on my health even if that means less money, I won't laugh with the stupid joke of a "friend", I won't explain myself to anyone, I won't go out for a coffee with my supposed best friend, I won't do what makes my family feel better or easy their worry.

Don't mean that I'm giving up on my efforts or that I'm closing people out of my life, on the contrary, now is where I need the most the people I love and care about and want them close to me. I'm just de-clattering if you know what I mean.

DivineMrsM, most of my relatives and friends don't really get it yet. I mean, apart the first shock of hearing the news and the calls and words of courage and all, they give me the feeling they would expect me, what really? To be upbeat all of the time, or always keep a positive face and most of all be brave through it all. Pretend that I'm the mighty fighter who's gonna wear her magic cape and fight it all the way. Some kind of super woman, who never complains, who can smile no matter what, because after all "I am strong". Well, sorry, this is not always possible.

But at the end of the day, I don't really care what they think right now. The people are care about are here, close to me, and I deal with everything the best I can. I will have time later to worry about what others think (to be honest though, I don't think I'll ever worry about what others think ever again).

I've had the "well, you'll be fine, breast cancer is one of the more curable cancers." (from a man.) Tell that to the ladies here dealing with serious diagnoses. Recurrence can happen. I will be on alert the rest of my life.

How about the "put on your combat boots, and power through this!!!" ?

Read a lot a great comebacks here for that type of comment.

Since I had my lumpectomy in December, everyone think's I'm "cured" now, just fine.

Radiation starts next week followed by 5-10 years of a drug I dread. Yep, business as usual.

No, I'm NOT just fine. Mostly, I'm exhausted!

Carrie