How did you tell your family about your diagnosis?

Hi there,

I waited to tell my parents until I had my pathology, a treatment plan and started chemo. My reasoning was that there was no point in having them worry until it was necessary to do so. I wrote them a letter telling them about my prognosis, how I learned about my tumour, etc. In the letter, I asked them to stay strong and optimistic for me. I knew that seeing their reaction to this news would cause me distress, so I had my husband deliver the letter to my parents and answer any questions they may have. By the time they had digested the information and visited with me a few hours later, they were ready to be the support that I needed. This plan worked well for me. Wishing you all the best on this journey. The beginning was the most difficult part by far...

Welcome Loveandlight. I am sorry for your diagnosis. I understand it's a terrible shock, but looking at the features of your cancer, I think it is highly likely you are going to be fine.

My reason for posting is to say that you don't have to tell anyone until you want to, if ever. I was diagnosed six years ago and only ever told my sister and best friend at the time. Only this year I have told a friend who has brain cancer and a friend who is a doctor. I have told no one else except my medical team and hair dressers lol.

Take your time to understand your diagnosis and the treatment you will be undergoing. Then, if you choose to tell people, it is likely to be news with a lot of hope.

When you share this, you can't control how the people you share with will use the information. If they pass it on, how will you feel about that?

You have your husband's support, which is most important and may be all you need. I totally understand why you would not want to tell your parents at this time. Don't feel guilty about not telling them. This is about you and what you need.

I don't have children so can't advise on that, except to say your daughter is quite young and there would be an age appropriate way to tell her, if you and your husband choose.

Most of all, don't feel pressured by others' expectations. Trust your judgement. You will get through this.

Made a list of SMALL things that people could do to help. That made it easier for me. I got a book with wigs and told my sister I needed her excellent stylish advice because I was diagnosed stage 4 cancer and would be losing my hair in chemo. The distraction of having a task she could help me with worked. I asked my mom if we could go shopping for a binder together because I needed her help getting some paperwork organized. This became my cancer treatment log with medical bills. My Christian friends, I asked for a CD with their most encouraging music or Bible sermons. When I told the little children in my family, I did it one on one. I told them that I did not want so-in-so to feel afraid that I was sick. I asked them each to help me color a picture of me getting sick and me getting better. This approach worked very well for me. Whatever you do, be your own best friend in this. My heart goes out to you.

I told my kids and their spouses in a group email. This, after my husband(their dad died unexpectedly just a couple of months earlier, so yeah, it was hard for everyone. An email let me do it in the easiest way for all concerned. I haven't told my 94-year-old mother because she has dementia and wouldn't remember/understand/care-lives in her own head. I was loathe to tell friends, neighbors, acquaintances, but have gradually let it come out over the last few weeks. I really, really don't want their pity. Their love and concern is fine, but honestly, people just do not know how to react to this. I do not want their prayers-I want cookies. I don't want anyone to ask what they can do for me. Just bring a meal to help me get through chemo. Just show up and mow my yard. Recommend a distracting good book/TV series/movie that I can access online. Help me find shirts that allow easy access to port and veins. Help me get what really controls my nausea.

LoveandLight,

In addition to the helpful responses you've received from our amazing members, you may be interested in checking out the main Breastcancer.org site's pages on Talking to Your Family and Friends About Breast Cancer, especially the page Talking to Young Children.

We hope this helps!

--The Mods

hi. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Like everyone else said take your time abs when your feel ready then tell your family. I told my husband first cuz I called him the second after my Dr called me. Then I called my sister crying hysterically. But here's a book to help your daughter understand. It's called Mom and The Polka Dot Boobie. My husband bought it online for our 2yr old. Good luck and happy holidays

Hello, LoveandLight.

My daughter was also 6 when I was diagnosed two years ago. It was quite difficult for me to find the bravery and words to explain my condition to her. My nurse gifted me the book, "Mommy Has Cancer! (Let's Talk About It)", which made the process so much easier. It's very sweet and simple, and puts it within a context a six-year old can connect to. Amazon carries it. I gently read it to her and our conversation flowed from there.

Sending you strength across the cosmos.

I agree with others, that once you tell someone, it is completely out of your hands. People can get VERY NUTTY about breast cancer, IMO unlike other cancers. I think people tend to get nutty when they hear about cancers of sexual organs. They may tell you why you got breast cancer, and tell you what you should do about it.

My problem was not with my family, but at work. When I was going through the diagnosis period (I work at a hospital), whenever someone would come in to the hospital with a diagnosis of breast cancer I'd break down in tears. When I cry, its totally obvious: my eyes are red and swollen for HOURS. Once, someone in my department came in and asked about me. I wanted to assure them it wasn't something they had done, so I told them I was still getting diagnosed. The info spread like wildfire through my department.

When it came time for my excision, a radiology clerk, 'Peter', was friends with several people in my department. My only contact with Peter had been about 10 years before, when a friend and Peter walked down the hall, and the friend may have introduced me to him, so I said 'Hi'. So essentially, he was a stranger to me. I had to bring my physical mammograms (at the time there wasn't electronic transfer of the images) to my hospital and check them in with the radiology dept. (The mammograms were sealed (so I couldn't read them), and had drawings 2 feet high of breasts on each side. So its no mystery what I was carrying around. Another rant.) Peter took my mammograms, and said 'Ohhhh- LCIS!!!!!'. I glared at him. Like, I didn't know my diagnosis?

I worked the night before my procedure. The night before my procedure, a colleague (who apparently had talked to Peter), said "Peter wishes you good luck on your procedure. And, because someone in his department had LCIS, Peter recommends that you have bilateral mastectomies." In shock, I replied, "Well, that takes audacity!" It didn't help that the insertion of brackets in the next few hours, to tell the breast surgeon where to excise, was one of the top worst 4 experiences in my life. Yes, I'm sure if someone pulled off my arm that would have been worse.

I'll tell you, I don't go around telling male strangers that I recommend to have their sexual organs removed, even if I know they have cancer or gangrene or have been Invaded by Body Snatchers.

Some people get lots of support from family / friends, but others are not so lucky. You are depending not only on the maturity and sensitivity of the person you tell, but who that person tells.

I just include this in your Q about family, because just because some people's families can act just as bad or worse than strangers. (Hopefully not your immediate family.)

I agree with just being careful overall. I found that I had to do extra work just reassuring everyone that I was going to be okay, which was exhausting on top of the worry and fear I was experiencing. It's kind of selfish that those that aren't fighting bc expect those of us that are to reassure them. I used "caringbridge.org" to share my journey, and invited others to log in and follow me that way. You can designate a trusted friend or spouse to update your progress there too, if you aren't able/don't have time.

I still had two close friends who didn't understand that I didn't want to take calls from them, because all they wanted was for me to tell them what I was doing and to reassure them I'd live. They were mad at me for a long time even after I invited them to follow me on caringbridge.org; they felt entitled to avoid doing that because they had known me for so long, but they lacked compassion and understanding even AFTER I explained to them why I didn't want to take phone calls during tx, and that I would call THEM when I felt strong enough to do so. People. Sheesh.

I had people at work--well-meaning, but exhausting after a while--come up to me and say "how ARE you"? with a sad, sorry face. It was hard because often times I wasn't thinking about little "c", but with those kind of awful expressions like I was at death's door, it reminded me and pulled me from a better place to a worse place in my mind.

That's why you should protect yourself and your privacy. Telling everyone doesn't help you recover.

Claire

Claire- my cousin who went through BC 9 years ago, told me at the start- you'll find out who your true friends are during this. I only have a few of those folks that like to give me the "pitty" looks. Ridiculous.....I truly hope they stay naive and never have to deal with this themselves.

I too use Caringbridge- not only to share my journey so i can avoid a ton of questions, but to educate folks as well, as I know they'll come across BC women again.

Mine don't know. Luckily they aren't near me. They would literally worry themselves to death.