How did you tell your family about your diagnosis?

LoveandLightinLA

Hello all,

I was just diagnosed with IDC on 12/9. My husband was with me when I got the diagnosis. Other than that, I've barely told anyone. I told my sister first, as I wanted to make sure she got a mammogram right away.

I finally told 2 friends yesterday. It was a relief, but it also opened the floodgates for me. I spent most of the day a bawling mess. Actually saying it out loud and acknowledging it has made me feel so vulnerable.

I've been pretty calm since I found out, with spurts of tears here and there. But I have a 6 year old daughter, and I'm trying to stay strong for me, and for her. But it's hard, because sometimes I just want to cry and let it all out, and I can't because my daughter is sitting right next to me, and I don't want to make her worry or scared.

I'm not sure how or when I will tell my 6 year old. I also haven't told my parents yet. I didn't want to ruin their holidays or my mom's birthday (which is 2 days after Christmas) by telling them my bad news. I know I should tell them soon... I want too, but I don't want to break down crying when I tell them, as I'm sure it will break their heart to see me upset.

My parents live about 7 hours away. I won't be seeing them over the holidays, or anytime in the near future. I'm thinking of face timing them in January. I really hope I can keep a brave face on, as I really don't want them to worry about me.

How did you tell your parents? Or your children? Please share... I don't know how to do this. I could really use your help and guidance.

Thank you! Wishing you all a Happy Holiday and a very Happy New Year!

stephincanada

Hi there,

I waited to tell my parents until I had my pathology, a treatment plan and started chemo. My reasoning was that there was no point in having them worry until it was necessary to do so. I wrote them a letter telling them about my prognosis, how I learned about my tumour, etc. In the letter, I asked them to stay strong and optimistic for me. I knew that seeing their reaction to this news would cause me distress, so I had my husband deliver the letter to my parents and answer any questions they may have. By the time they had digested the information and visited with me a few hours later, they were ready to be the support that I needed. This plan worked well for me. Wishing you all the best on this journey. The beginning was the most difficult part by far...

Anonymous

Hi Loveandlight! I'm soooooo sorry you have found yourself here- but glad you found the boards- they truly have been a great support for so many of us.

I have a 13 yr old daughter- and I found out before my actual "results" appt- it was on my online chart- and I bawled. I think I texted my husband lol! He was going to the appt with me, and so I knew I'd see him soon. My daughter caught me crying. It was ok- we cried and then I said we will take this out and move on like we do with everything else. She's been ok since.

Both of my parents are gone, my mom just passed in April- so I didn't have to do that piece, but know how how that will be for you and them.

I soooo get the saying the words out loud piece!!! I broke down a couple of times verbally saying it, but like everything we deal with in life- it does become easier, and like with other crap- there are definite ups and down.

I've been surprised by amazing support from women I've met here, instagram, and even in the public.

Wishing you some moments of joy and happiness this weekend with your 6 year old!! You will find the right time and way to tell your loved ones.....no matter what its not easy but you will get the support and love you deserve.

Racy

Welcome Loveandlight. I am sorry for your diagnosis. I understand it's a terrible shock, but looking at the features of your cancer, I think it is highly likely you are going to be fine.

My reason for posting is to say that you don't have to tell anyone until you want to, if ever. I was diagnosed six years ago and only ever told my sister and best friend at the time. Only this year I have told a friend who has brain cancer and a friend who is a doctor. I have told no one else except my medical team and hair dressers lol.

Take your time to understand your diagnosis and the treatment you will be undergoing. Then, if you choose to tell people, it is likely to be news with a lot of hope.

When you share this, you can't control how the people you share with will use the information. If they pass it on, how will you feel about that?

You have your husband's support, which is most important and may be all you need. I totally understand why you would not want to tell your parents at this time. Don't feel guilty about not telling them. This is about you and what you need.

I don't have children so can't advise on that, except to say your daughter is quite young and there would be an age appropriate way to tell her, if you and your husband choose.

Most of all, don't feel pressured by others' expectations. Trust your judgement. You will get through this.

LoveandLightinLA

Thank you so much StephinCanada, ajbclan, and Racy! Your words of wisdom and support mean the world to me.

Wishing you all a very Merry Christmas with your loved ones!!!

JennInspirations

Made a list of SMALL things that people could do to help. That made it easier for me. I got a book with wigs and told my sister I needed her excellent stylish advice because I was diagnosed stage 4 cancer and would be losing my hair in chemo. The distraction of having a task she could help me with worked. I asked my mom if we could go shopping for a binder together because I needed her help getting some paperwork organized. This became my cancer treatment log with medical bills. My Christian friends, I asked for a CD with their most encouraging music or Bible sermons. When I told the little children in my family, I did it one on one. I told them that I did not want so-in-so to feel afraid that I was sick. I asked them each to help me color a picture of me getting sick and me getting better. This approach worked very well for me. Whatever you do, be your own best friend in this. My heart goes out to you.

Sjacobs146

what I focused on when telling my children was that it was highly unlikely that I would die from BC anytime soon, that we caught it early, and there are excellent treatments available. My children were teens, and have had some experience with BC as a dear friend of ours was dying from it at the time I received my diagnosis, and a few other women from our town had died from BC as well over the past several years. As for my family, I told my mother when I was diagnosed and I had a surgery date. I don't remember when I Told my brothers, it was shortly thereafter. I had my husband handle his side of the family, there only so many times that you can repeat the words "I've been diagnosed with Breast Cancer" without losing your mind.

Your life is about to change, but I honestly feel better now than I did when I was diagnosed. I focused on my health, started doing yoga, and exercising more, I no longer drink soda, and I try to avoid chemicals as much as possible. This will likely just be a small bump,in the road of life for you. Cancer is a scary word, but many people survive it.

bareclaws

I told my kids and their spouses in a group email. This, after my husband(their dad died unexpectedly just a couple of months earlier, so yeah, it was hard for everyone. An email let me do it in the easiest way for all concerned. I haven't told my 94-year-old mother because she has dementia and wouldn't remember/understand/care-lives in her own head. I was loathe to tell friends, neighbors, acquaintances, but have gradually let it come out over the last few weeks. I really, really don't want their pity. Their love and concern is fine, but honestly, people just do not know how to react to this. I do not want their prayers-I want cookies. I don't want anyone to ask what they can do for me. Just bring a meal to help me get through chemo. Just show up and mow my yard. Recommend a distracting good book/TV series/movie that I can access online. Help me find shirts that allow easy access to port and veins. Help me get what really controls my nausea.

SueSuzySuzanne

Since your daughter is so young it is better to keep the words you use simple. I was diagnosed when my kids were young as well. You need to let her know that your "boob" is sick but the rest of you is good. If you break the illness down to a small piece of you it is easier for them to understand. As I started chemo and my hair was falling out, we had a hair cutting party for me. My kids were the center of it so that they saw what was happening and could "help me" get me hair cut.

Moderators

LoveandLight,

In addition to the helpful responses you've received from our amazing members, you may be interested in checking out the main Breastcancer.org site's pages on Talking to Your Family and Friends About Breast Cancer, especially the page Talking to Young Children.

We hope this helps!

--The Mods

LoveandLightinLA

Thank you so much JennInspirations, SJacobs, bareclaws, suesuzysuzanne, and the Moderators! Your stories and advice and support are very deeply appreciated! I am so grateful to all of the strong and wonderful women in this community for helping me find my way on this journey.

Hopfull2

hi. I'm sorry you have to go through this. Like everyone else said take your time abs when your feel ready then tell your family. I told my husband first cuz I called him the second after my Dr called me. Then I called my sister crying hysterically. But here's a book to help your daughter understand. It's called Mom and The Polka Dot Boobie. My husband bought it online for our 2yr old. Good luck and happy holidays

LoveandLightinLA

Thank you Hopful2! I will definitely check out that book.

NYCexec

Hello, LoveandLight.

My daughter was also 6 when I was diagnosed two years ago. It was quite difficult for me to find the bravery and words to explain my condition to her. My nurse gifted me the book, "Mommy Has Cancer! (Let's Talk About It)", which made the process so much easier. It's very sweet and simple, and puts it within a context a six-year old can connect to. Amazon carries it. I gently read it to her and our conversation flowed from there.

Sending you strength across the cosmos.

Anonymous

My husband and mom were there at the lumpectomy procedure (waiting room); they found out right away. My elderly mother has a terrible habit of over-ownership of situations; she immediately told my adult bro and sis although it should have been my right. My daughter was flying for business, and my niece (brother's daughter) then got the news from my brother as soon as my mom told him. My niece immediately texted my daughter and told her "she would be there for her". So my daughter knew the news was not good, although she was traveling alone and had no one with her for support, and she couldn't talk to me because I was still in recovery!!!! That's how fast the news got out.

I was really angry that my family took that right away from me. I wanted to wait to tell my daughter myself when she got home, so I could tell her in person and answer questions, and reassure her. They stole that right from me.

So be careful who you tell because of 2017 technology: info can be spread like a virus. In a nano-second.

Claire in AZ

leaf

I agree with others, that once you tell someone, it is completely out of your hands. People can get VERY NUTTY about breast cancer, IMO unlike other cancers. I think people tend to get nutty when they hear about cancers of sexual organs. They may tell you why you got breast cancer, and tell you what you should do about it.

My problem was not with my family, but at work. When I was going through the diagnosis period (I work at a hospital), whenever someone would come in to the hospital with a diagnosis of breast cancer I'd break down in tears. When I cry, its totally obvious: my eyes are red and swollen for HOURS. Once, someone in my department came in and asked about me. I wanted to assure them it wasn't something they had done, so I told them I was still getting diagnosed. The info spread like wildfire through my department.

When it came time for my excision, a radiology clerk, 'Peter', was friends with several people in my department. My only contact with Peter had been about 10 years before, when a friend and Peter walked down the hall, and the friend may have introduced me to him, so I said 'Hi'. So essentially, he was a stranger to me. I had to bring my physical mammograms (at the time there wasn't electronic transfer of the images) to my hospital and check them in with the radiology dept. (The mammograms were sealed (so I couldn't read them), and had drawings 2 feet high of breasts on each side. So its no mystery what I was carrying around. Another rant.) Peter took my mammograms, and said 'Ohhhh- LCIS!!!!!'. I glared at him. Like, I didn't know my diagnosis?

I worked the night before my procedure. The night before my procedure, a colleague (who apparently had talked to Peter), said "Peter wishes you good luck on your procedure. And, because someone in his department had LCIS, Peter recommends that you have bilateral mastectomies." In shock, I replied, "Well, that takes audacity!" It didn't help that the insertion of brackets in the next few hours, to tell the breast surgeon where to excise, was one of the top worst 4 experiences in my life. Yes, I'm sure if someone pulled off my arm that would have been worse.

I'll tell you, I don't go around telling male strangers that I recommend to have their sexual organs removed, even if I know they have cancer or gangrene or have been Invaded by Body Snatchers.

Some people get lots of support from family / friends, but others are not so lucky. You are depending not only on the maturity and sensitivity of the person you tell, but who that person tells.

I just include this in your Q about family, because just because some people's families can act just as bad or worse than strangers. (Hopefully not your immediate family.)

LoveandLightinLA

Thank you NYCExec - I appreciate your kind words of support. That book sounds perfect, I will definitely look for it!

ClaireInaz- I'm so sorry you were not able to tell your daughter the way you wanted to, at the right moment. Thank you for sharing.

Leaf - Thank you for sharing your words of caution. I will be very careful who I tell, people can be very insensitive. Sorry you experienced that at work.

Anonymous

I agree with just being careful overall. I found that I had to do extra work just reassuring everyone that I was going to be okay, which was exhausting on top of the worry and fear I was experiencing. It's kind of selfish that those that aren't fighting bc expect those of us that are to reassure them. I used "caringbridge.org" to share my journey, and invited others to log in and follow me that way. You can designate a trusted friend or spouse to update your progress there too, if you aren't able/don't have time.

I still had two close friends who didn't understand that I didn't want to take calls from them, because all they wanted was for me to tell them what I was doing and to reassure them I'd live. They were mad at me for a long time even after I invited them to follow me on caringbridge.org; they felt entitled to avoid doing that because they had known me for so long, but they lacked compassion and understanding even AFTER I explained to them why I didn't want to take phone calls during tx, and that I would call THEM when I felt strong enough to do so. People. Sheesh.

I had people at work--well-meaning, but exhausting after a while--come up to me and say "how ARE you"? with a sad, sorry face. It was hard because often times I wasn't thinking about little "c", but with those kind of awful expressions like I was at death's door, it reminded me and pulled me from a better place to a worse place in my mind.

That's why you should protect yourself and your privacy. Telling everyone doesn't help you recover.

Claire

BG46TN

HI My family and most friends knew I found the lump and was going for the biopsy etc...so when I got the results most people were waiting with me. But I did have one of my sisters call and tell my mom (my dad passed away last Jan) I knew I wouldn't be able to talk without crying...so even though when she did call me later that day, I was crying, but I didn't have to give her the news :-(

My mom had bc 30 years ago (survivor)

and my sister had is 3 years ago...also a survivor...

I came to find we have the BARD1 gene :-( which sucks....

Anonymous

Claire- my cousin who went through BC 9 years ago, told me at the start- you'll find out who your true friends are during this. I only have a few of those folks that like to give me the "pitty" looks. Ridiculous.....I truly hope they stay naive and never have to deal with this themselves.

I too use Caringbridge- not only to share my journey so i can avoid a ton of questions, but to educate folks as well, as I know they'll come across BC women again.

LoveandLightinLA

ClaireInaz - Thank you. I am naturally a private person, so I don't plan on telling many people at all. I appreciate you sharing your experiences.

BG46TN - I'm so sorry your mom and your sister also had to go through this. I haven't told my parents yet, as I wanted to be strong enough not to cry and break down when telling them. I am slowly getting there with time.

ajbclan - Thanks for sharing, I will check out caringbridge.

Artista928

Mine don't know. Luckily they aren't near me. They would literally worry themselves to death.