Animal Jokes

Q: Why did the cat go to Minnesota?
A: To get a mini soda!

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Q: Where do orcas hear music?
A: Orca-stras!

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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: To get to the udder side.

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Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh!

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Q: What do you do if your dog chews a dictionary?
A: Take the words out of his mouth!

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Q: What do you call a cold dog sitting on a bunny?
A: A chili dog on a bun.

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Q: Why do fish live in salt water?
A: Because pepper makes them sneeze!

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Q: Where do mice park their boats?
A: At the hickory dickory dock.

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Q: Where did the sheep go on vacation?
A: The baaaahamas

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Q: What do you call a thieving alligator?
A: A crookodile

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Q: What goes tick-tock, bow-wow, tick-tock, bow-wow?
A: A watch dog.

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Q: What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A: A lawn moo-er.

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Q: What do you call a girl with a frog on her head?
A: Lilly.

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Q: How does a dog stop a video?
A: He presses the paws button.

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Q: Why do cows go to New York?
A: To see the moosicals!

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Q: What do you call lending money to a bison?
A: A buff-a-loan

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Q: What is the snake's favorite subject?
A: Hiss-story

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Q: What is black ,white and red all over?
A: A sunburnt penguin!

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Q: Why does a dog wag its tail?
A: Because there's no one else to wag it for him.

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Q: What is a cat's favorite movie?
A: The sound of Mew-sic!

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Q: How do you make a goldfish old?
A: Take away the g!

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Q: Why did the lamb cross the road?
A: To get to the baaaaarber shop!

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Q: How does a mouse feel after it takes a shower?
A: Squeaky clean!

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Q: What has four legs and goes "Oom, Oom"?
A: A cow walking backwards!

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Q: Where do you put barking dogs?
A: In a barking lot.

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Q: What do you call a pig that's been arrested for dangerous driving?
A: A road hog.

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Q: What is a cheetahs favorite food?
A: Fast food!

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A team of little animals and a team of big animals decided to play football. During the first half of the game, the big animals were winning. But during the second half,a centipede scored so many touchdowns that the little animals won the game. When the game was over, the chipmunk asked the centipede, "Where were you during the first half?" He replied "Putting on my shoes!".

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Q: What does a cat say when somebody steps on
its tail?
A: Me-ow!

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Q: What do you call a baby bear with no teeth?
A: A gummy bear!

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Q: Why did the dog cross the road twice?
A: He was trying to fetch a boomerang!

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Q: What is as big as an elephant but weighs nothing?
A: Its shadow!

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Q: What do you call a pig who knows karate?
A: Porkchop!

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Q: Where does an elephant pack his luggage?
A: In his trunk!

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Q: There were 10 cats in a boat and one jumped out. How many were left?
A: None, because they were copycats!

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Q: Which day do fish hate?
A: Fryday!

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Q: What do you call a cow in a tornado?
A: A milkshake!

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Q: What did the peanut say to the elephant?
A: Nothing, peanuts don't talk.

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Q: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
A: No I deer!

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Q: Why was the cat afraid of a tree?
A: Because of the bark!

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Q: How are elephants and trees alike?
A: They both have trunks!

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Q: What do you call an exploding monkey?
A: A baboom!

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Q: What do you call an elephant in a phone booth?
A: Stuck!

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Q: What do you call a sleeping bull?
A: A bulldozer!

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Q. How do you stop a dog barking in the back seat of a car?
A. Put him in the front seat.

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Q: What is the difference between a car and a bull?
A: A car only has one horn.

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Q: What did the carrot say to the rabbit?
A: Do you want to grab a bite?

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Q: What time is it when an elephant sits on your bed?
A: Time to get a new bed!

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Q: Where does a ten ton elephant sit?
A: Anywhere it wants to!

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Q: What was the first animal in space?
A: The cow that jumped over the moon!

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Q: What do you get when you plant a frog?
A: A cr-oak tree.

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Q: What is the quietest kind of a dog?
A: A hush puppy.

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Q: How is a dog like a telephone?
A: It has a collar I.D.

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Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A: Because their horns don't work.

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There were two cows in a field. The first cow said "moo" and the second cow said "baaaa." The first cow asked the second cow, "why did you say baaaa?" The second cow said, "I'm learning a foreign language."

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Q: How do you stop an elephant from charging?
A: Take away his credit card!

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Q: Why do you bring fish to a party?
A: Because it goes good with chips.

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Q: What would happen if pigs could fly?
A: The price of bacon would go up.

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Q: How do you get a dog to stop digging in the garden?
A: Take away his shovel!

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Q: What did the frog say when he heard "time flies when you are having fun?"
A: Time is fun when you're having flies!

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Q: What did the grape say when the elephant stepped on it?
A: It gave a little wine!

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Q: Why would an elephant paint its toenails different colors?
A: To hide in a bag of M&M's.

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Q: How do you catch a squirrel?
A: Climb up a tree and act like a nut!

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Q: Where do fish keep their money?
A: In a river bank!

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A duck, a skunk and a deer went out for dinner at a restaurant one night. When it came time to pay, the skunk didn't have a scent, the deer didn't have a buck so they put the meal on the duck's bill.

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Q: What did one cow say to the other?
A: Mooooooove over!

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Q: What kind of cat should you never play games with?
A: A cheetah!

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Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station.

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Q: What is black and white and red all over?
A: A skunk with a rash.

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Q: What time is it when 5 dogs chase 1 cat?
A: Five after one.

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Q: What do whales eat?
A: Fish and ships.

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Q: What part of a fish weighs the most?
A: The scales.

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur in a car accident?
A: A tyrannosauraus wreck!

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Q: What did the banana do when the monkey chased it?
A: The banana split!

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Q: What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
A: You can't tuna fish.

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Q: What do you call a gorilla wearing earmuffs?
A: Anything you like, he can't hear you.

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Q: Why are giraffes so slow to apologize?
A: It takes them a long time to swallow their pride.

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Q: How did Noah see the animals in the Ark at night?
A: With flood lighting.

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Q: What is the easiest way to count a herd of cattle?
A: With a cowculator.

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Q: What did the farmer call the cow that would not give him any milk?
A: An udder failure.

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Q: Why did the cow cross the road?
A: Because the chicken was on vacation.

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Q: What do you get from a bad-tempered shark?
A: As far away as possible.

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Q: What did the sardine call the submarine?
A: A can of people.

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Q: What fish only swims at night?
A: A starfish.

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Q: Why did the elephant leave the circus?
A: He was tired of working for peanuts.

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There were two cows in a paddock. One of the cows says, "moo" and the other one says, "That's what I was going to say."

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Customer: "Do you have alligator shoes?"
Clerk: "Yes, sir. What size does your alligator wear?"

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Q: What do you get when you cross a roll of wool and a kangaroo?
A: A woolen jumper!

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Q: What did the Cinderella fish wear to the ball?
A: Glass flippers.

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Q: Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
A: Catfish

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Q: What happened when the lion ate the comedian?
A: He felt funny.

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Q: How many skunks does it take to make a big stink?
A: A phew.

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Q: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?
A: He was a baaaaaaaaad driver.

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Q: How do you keep a skunk from smelling?
A: Plug its nose.

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Q: What has four legs, a trunk, and sunglasses?
A: A mouse on vacation.

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Q: What do you call a 400-pound gorilla?
A: Sir.

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Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A blushing zebra.

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Q: What is a cow's favorite place?
A: The mooseum.

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Q: What do fish take to stay healthy?
A: Vitamin sea.

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Q: What do you call a mommy cow that just had a calf?
A: Decalfinated!

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Q: What do you call a mad elephant?
A: An earthquake.

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Q: What is a shark's favorite sandwich?
A: Peanut butter and jellyfish.

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Q: Where are sharks from?
A: Finland.

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Q: What is King Arthur's favorite fish?
A: A swordfish

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Q: Why did the policeman give the sheep a ticket?
A: He made an illegal ewe turn.

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Q: What does an octopus wear when it gets cold?
A: A coat of arms.

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Q: What kind of dog always runs a fever?
A: A hot dog!

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Q: What did the momma buffalo say to her son before he went to school?
A: Bison!

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Q: What has 4 wheels, gives milk, and eats grass.
A: A cow on a skateboard.

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Q: Why don't bears wear shoes?
A: What's the use, they'd still have bear feet!

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Q: What do you call a dog that likes bubble baths?
A: A shampoodle!

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Q: What does a calf become after it's 1 year old?
A: 2 years old.

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Cow: "Mooooove over!"
Sheep: "Naaaaaaa."

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Q: How do you know an elephant has been in your refrigerator?
A: There are footprints in the butter.

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Q: Why does a giraffe have such a long neck?
A: Because his feet stink!

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Q: What's a dog's favorite food for breakfast?
A: Pooched eggs.

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Q: What do you give a pig with a rash?
A: Oinkment.

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Q: What do you do if your cat swallows your pencil?
A: Use a pen.

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Q: What's black and white, black and white, black and white and green?
A: Three skunks fighting over a pickle!

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First dog: My master calls me Furball. How about you?
Second Dog: My master calls me Sitboy!

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Q: What kind of mouse does not eat, drink, or even walk?
A: A computer mouse.

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Q: What do you call a dog with a Rolex?
A: A watch dog.

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Q: What pine has the longest needles?
A: A porcupine.

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Q: What's worse than a centipede with athlete's foot?
A: A porcupine with split ends!

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Q: Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
A: The chicken wasn't around yet.

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Q: What kind of cars do cats drive?
A: Catillacs!

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Q: What do you call a deer that costs a dollar?
A: A buck.

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Q: What's a frog's favorite drink?
A: Croak-a-cola.

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Q: What's an alligator's favorite drink?
A: Gator-Ade.

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Q: What do you call snake with no clothes on?
A: Snaked.

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Q: What did the dog say to the flea?
A: Stop bugging me!

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Q: Where do cows go on Saturday night?
A: To the mooooooovies.

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up?
A: A try and try and try-ceratops!

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Q: What do you call a dinosaur at the rodeo?
A: A Broncosaurus or a Tyrannosaurus Tex.

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Q: What has ears like a cat and a tail like a cat, but is not a cat?
A: A kitten.

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Q: Who makes dinosaur clothes?
A: A dino-sewer.

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Q: What did the snail say when he got on the turtle's shell?
A: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!

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Q: Where do sheep get their hair cut?
A: At the baa-baa shop.

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Q: Why can't hippos ride bicycles?
A: Bike helmets don't fit hippos!

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Q: What's a puppy's favorite kind of pizza?
A: Pupperoni.

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Q: What's black and white and red all over?
A: A sunburnt zebra.

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Q: What happened when 500 hares got loose on Main Street?
A: The police had to comb the area.

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Q: What do camels use to hide themselves?
A: Camelflauge!

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Q: What do you call a messy hippo?
A: A hippopota-mess!

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Q: What do you call a cow that twitches?
A: Beef jerky

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Q: What did the porcupine say to the cactus?
A: Is that you mommy?

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Q: What is a lion's favorite state?
A: Maine

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Q: Where do horses live?
A: In the neigh-borhood.

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Q: Why are elephants wrinkled?
A: Because they don't fit on a ironing board!

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Q: What is a cat's favorite breakfast?
A: Mice krispies

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Q: What is a frog's favorite year?
A: Leap Year

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Q: What kind of dog has a bark but no bite?
A: A Dogwood!

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Q: What is a pirate's favorite's fish?
A: A swordfish!

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Q: What is a horse's favorite sport?
A: Stable tennis!

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Q: Why do pandas like old movies?
A: Because they are black and white.

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Q: How many sheep do you need to make a sweater?
A: I don't know. I didn't think sheep could knit!

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Q: What do you call a bruise on a T-Rex?
A: A dino-sore!

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Q: What game do elephants play when riding in the back of a car?
A: Squash!

Pairs

Psychic Daughter

Bill is putting his young daughter to bed one night and as he walks out the bedroom door he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy, daddy, and grandma, rest in peace grandpa."

Bill rushes back into her bedroom and asks her, "Why did you say the last part?" His daughter replies, "Because I needed to." The next day, grandpa dies of a heart attack. Bill is worried about his daughter but thinks, "It must just be a sad coincidence."

That night he tucks his daughter into bed again and once again he hears her saying her prayers. She says, "God bless mommy and daddy, rest in peace grandma." Bill is now really worried and thinking to himself, "Can my daughter really see into the future?" The next day, grandma dies and now Bill is convinced his daughter can predict the future.

For the rest of the week nothing happens, but on the Sunday night as Bill leaves his daughter's bedroom he waits outside and listens for any more prayers. Sure enough, he hears her say, "God bless you mommy, rest in peace daddy." Now Bill is really panicking and thinking, '"Oh God, I'm going to die tomorrow!"

The following day Bill is in a complete mess all day in work; a real nervous wreck. He constantly checks the clock, looks around the room and is on edge all the time expecting to die at any moment. He is so nervous that he doesn't leave the office until it's past midnight. Once it turns midnight he says to himself with relief, "How is this possible? I should be dead!" He goes home and walks into the house to find his wife sitting on the sofa with a scared look on her face. She asks him, "Where have you been? What took you so long?"

Bill replies, "Listen honey, today I haven't had the best of days" and he is just about to tell her what has happened when she starts crying and bursts out, "I saw the mailman die yesterday!"

My 1,000th post! Yay!

Teacher and her 3 boy students:

Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy 1: "I saw a strap of your bra."
Teacher: "You are punished to stay out of school for one week."

Boy 2 laughed…
Teacher: "Why did you laugh?"
Boy 2: "I saw your bra straps."
Teacher: "You are punished to stay out of school for one month."

Teacher bent down to pickup a chalk. Boy 3 started walking out of the class…
Teacher: "Why are you leaving?"
Boy 3: "I think my school days are over."