PTSD, then cancer, and now crippling social anxiety

beeve, firstly, nice to meet you! It is a hard road sometimes being a survivor...you have been been through a fight for your life. You have seen darkness, struggled to just eat sleep, function. Then hopefully, you are feeling better...ready to get back at life. I am glad you are passionately searching for a group to belong to, to contribute to others. I think you will find a way to do this. Being rural, your options may not be plentiful, or at least at the start of your search for a group. But, at your fingertips is the entire universe! On this BCO site there are so many threads with such a variety of interests. Games, cats, flowers, prayerful and spiritual support, hobbies and television shows.... find some threads here to lurk on, or join in the conversations. That is a start, yes? Also. do you have a church family, one you attend? This can be a rich blessing. In our area,the school is the hub of the community, and there is always some sport team that you can follow and become their superfan. Volleyball season starts next week! These are some suggestions to jumpstart your thoughts. Getting out is healthy, and is rewarding too. Of course, there are medicatons to help with anxiety, I feel like you probably know this, perhaps these are already a part of your prescriptions.I believe pharmaceuticals for our mental health can be a very good thing. I hope my post has helped, that is my intent, to be of some help. Hoping others will respond too with words of wisdom. Sending you my best wishes, always.

Dear beeve, we're really sorry you find yourself in this situation. As Meadow and Meow have said, we're all here for you, to listen and offer you support along this path, so come here and vent anytime you need to. Online communities like this are a great way to meet people going through similar circumstances than yours that will help you realice that you're not alone, and will give you good advice and support in these difficult times.

Perhaps talking to a therapist or social worker about your social anxiety would be helpful too. Could your oncologist/doctor help you find one in your area? It could be really helpful, even for your husband!

Please keep us posted on how everything is going. We are thinking of you!!

The Mods

Hi beeve! Boy what you describe sounds so much like me in a lot of ways. PTSD childhood, parents now gone, siblings very standoffish, friends disappeared.....I too have retreated so much since Dx! Luckily I also have a WONDERFUL Dh that is my main friend. However, just recently I realized that this is not how I want it to be. I do not want to depend on him for my only company. I don't want to be friendless and put all the pressure on him. He can be rather shy also but I want him to have buddies.

So I decided to bite off little chunks at a time. I chose the most likely girl from work who seems OK with my situation and is sweet and friendly. I forced myself to ask her one day if she wanted to have coffee. She said YES! We went and had a lovely hour and a half just chatting. So I expanded my effort a little. Asked another woman who also had BC awhile ago and she knows I do too. Asked her if she wanted to meet for lunch one day. We don't know each other that well but it went fine and it was so nice to get out and feel I had a friend. I am trying to figure out my next step like join a medittion group or go back to church. But practice makes it a little easier each time. We all need validation from friends in a peer group aside from our family and spouses. It has done wonders for my moods.

thanks for checking in beeve, hugs

Hi grouches - Trust is a funny thing isn't it? Personally if I feel like a situation is getting too close for comfort I head for the hills. Always have, probably always will. I tell you I learned a lot about constant caring contact through my dx. Most people are one and done. It's those people who keep checking in that really help. I'm glad your mom has been there for you.

that is AWESOME!

artistatheart, I love your post where you find the songs uplifting. They are to me too

That's a cool henna tattoo, Beev..But lets hope you never have the need to get another one because of chemo!

This is weird, but I can't remember if I ever posted on this forum before...Tupid chemo-brain. <- Not too sure what this emoticon is doing.

I had a weak internet connection until recently. (Also live in a very rural area)

It is nice (yet sad) to see that I am not alone in this emotional battle, and neither are you, Beev!. I am nearly three years out from dx and still having issues with my emotional health. I had an anxiety/depression disorder before it all, and now that has gotten worse. I did actually seek help from my doctors, and with meds things got better for awhile, and then last year soon after my best friend was diagnosed with stage 4 kidney cancer, my anxiety went off the charts and I ended up at the ER literally paralyzed with fear..and diagnosed with agoraphobia. (I had tried to attend church by myself when the panic attack happened. Thank God I made it home via a back road before collapsing over the steering wheel in my front yard!)

At the time of the attack, I was on a high dose of Venlafaxin which my doctor was trying to wean me off. My system is so sensitive to those medications, I am currently on the fourth one. It did work for awhile, though I am agoraphobic still. I always have been to some degree.

I am glad that I have been able to occasionally do things for my friend, such as make us a basket lunch at the lake, and drive us to Bible study once a week, since driving is difficult for her..but it is very hard for me to do this, and takes a lot out of me afterwards. (I pretty much crash for the rest of the day)!

I am also very introverted and that is just the way I was wired, but I was told by my BC nurse that sharing on these boards here might be helpful..and I will try to get to know you gals, and hopefully cut through the brainfog enough to remember your names and such...please be patient with me.

And, Beev..You hang in there and remember to count your blessings..That's how Ive learned to deal with abandonment..Losing many family and friends as well (including the friend who now has cancer herself) I swallowed my pain and hurt and have been helping her through it...Thank God for my husband and dogs

. It is their loss, and their problem..not yours!

Beev - How are you doing?

Glad to hear it. You "sound" good. I hope your surgery meets your expectations. I've always been envious of the flat and faboulous group. DH talked me into implants, which are fine, but flat sounds so freeing. I hope you find the perfect fit for your improv group. Thanks for the update!

I can identify with much of what has been posted. I'm introverted, have had some trauma, some loss and since this bout with breast cancer, have been even more socially anxious than ever. I've got a good spouse, a good therapist, a good medical team, but no circle of friends.

This week I made myself go to an event that involved an activity and some chance to socialize. So challenging! I enjoyed it, and will go back, but after I left I questioned everything I said and did. No confidence at all.

I wasn't always like this. I did have a challenging childhood, and had worked to overcome the habits it had given me. I felt pretty good. Then I had a confusing experience that traumatized me. Imagine the internet trolls going after you while in your sacred space -- your church, synagogue, zendo or whatever you have. It was like that. I've done a lot of things to help me heal, but I rarely feel safe around people now.

"Emotionally I am in crisis and I hate it but - I don't know. I'm lost."

I understand. I actually did well going through treatment (5/15-10/16). I thought. Sure, I was emotional at times and had memory problems, which I thought were chemo brain. Now, I wonder. I'm much worse off emotionally. I feel like there's a huge dark wave coming up behind me. When I'm not numb, I'm irritable or depressed. I'm still having memory issues. I have trouble concentrating and enjoying life. I used to write for therapy, but I'm not able to now. 

I was at a dinner party recently where a psychiatrist was also a guest. He suggested that I might have PTSD. Maybe so, but my therapist hasn't screened me for it or suggested that I might. I'm not so thrilled with her anyway, but I live in a small town and there aren't many mental health options. 

Someone on these boards called the all day / everyday thoughts "breast cancer radio". In the beginning it is blaring 24/7. As time goes by we still hear it but it blends in with all the rest of life. I lost thirty pounds after dx. Wish I could have kept it off, instead I gained it all back and then some.

You are not always going to feel this gripping fear Annietere. It may take a year or even two to recover. But you will. I promise.

I had it and more to lose. My PS remarked on it and asked what I was doing. I told her "The Anxiety and Depression Diet" and I did not recommend it. If you are like me, you probably have a lot of grief to work through. The great thing about doing all that emotional work (I met weekly with a friend/counselor/social worker who volunteers at my church) is that the thought of cancer used to be a huge gorilla on my back. Now it seems it took having cancer to become much less afraid of it. Only now am I learning what it means to live in the moment. What will be will be. I also take Effexor for hot flashes and it really helps even out my moods. You'll get there.