STEAM ROOM FOR ANGER

Thanks April.....I'm not the only one who has these issues but the hugs are nice. Sometimes it just hits me that actually had BC, like wth this happened to me?? Sounds strange maybe, but it's almost like it happened to someone else. Maybe that is the coping mechanism I use to walk thru it.

((Hugs))

Oh, I could never go through treatment like you did. What! Not ready to just roll over, give up and die yet. Didn't see where I had much choice if I wanted to see my daughter married and two grandsons born.

Wicked how true, our cancer centre hands out literature for chemotherapy with a women on front , with a caption on how she always comes to her appointments with a smile on her face. I rolled my eyes when I saw that.

Grace our stats are about the same , my good friend would comment how she would never have chemo when I was having treatments and when I was having radiation she would never do that that either. Like you I wanted to survive, I finally said would that be fair to your family not to do anything.

Yep, sometimes I get really fed up, too. When I told a close friend I was looking at urns and making an appt. to go and see wall plots at the same cemetery/mausoleum where my parents are buried, she said, "Why are you doing this now? Are just going to give up?"

I let her have it (cuz if she's a GOOD friend, she should be able to take it). I said, "When people say stuff like that to me, I just want to say EF you! What the hell do you think YOU'D be doing if YOU had St IV cancer with extensive bone mets and organ mets?! Some people may only live less than a year with this and some people may live 5-7 yrs or more. What if I happen to be on the crappy end of that spectrum? I want to plan for it! I don't want to end up like my husband's mom...her ashes are STILL on a dusty book shelve in a cardboard box with brown paper wrapping!!!"

That shut her up.

I'll know in a couple of weeks if Mr. Cancer doesn't like Xeloda and is receding or if he sarcastically snickers at it because he's found a way to outsmart it.

I don't want my husband to stick me on that same dusty shelf in a cardboard box next to my mother-in-law .

I'm ranting along with y'all.

Lita

That's why I didn't tell any fam except my bro who wouldn't say such shit. Him and 2 bffs are all who know, who matter that is. The expectation to be done with it because I am x months out from tx alone would send me over the edge. Don't need emotional/mental stress like that on top, so they remain in the dark. Not seeing them often really helps too.

Lita, I'm sorry but I couldn't stop laughing at the image of you being next to your mother in law on the self :-)

Hoping that it won't happen in a loooooong time and xeloda works.

My neighbors are really getting on my nerves. I recently had terrible back spasms that have me unable to move around very well. My husband told them about it and that I would be unavailable for a few days till the muscle relaxed. They call and ring the doorbell to see me. I really am not up for company I don't know how to get them to leave me alone. It is getting ridiculous.

I have a neighbour that likes to drop by. She has my number. I told her to call first as I may be asleep. But she'll show up and in the evening when it's dark. I just don't open the door. I've mentioned before a lot of times I have my headphones on listening to music so I don't hear anything.. Tell them they should call first to make sure it's a good time. Some people need to be told the obvious when someone is not always up to par.

JJ, good description. I don't know why, but for some reason, year 2 was worse for me emotionally than the first one. I never am able to get to sleep before 3 or 4 a.m. and when I do get to sleep, it isn't a good sound sleep. So the fatigue is really bad. Nobody understands. They just say "go to bed earlier", like I haven't already tried that. I just end up getting back up.

This thread has helped me. The other day a receptionist at the clinic said to me, "Well, you have to stay positive!" I replied, "I'm positive I need to be realistic." This worked for me; I felt polite and honest and the receptionist said, in a kind, polite tone of voice, "Oh. Well, that is so true." Without reading various posts on BCO I would not have thought to say that. So thanks to all of you.

Good point, Wicked. I know people mean well and are trying to be encouraging, but it can be frustrating.

Also I should add, I'm worried about a friend that I haven't seen online here for about a month. I'm fearing the worst and it just makes me so sad and angry.

Thanks for letting me vent

Tang, I have degenerative arthritis in my lower back. I'm only 57, but I hobble around humped over like an 88 yo woman. it sucks! I can't get into pain mgmt until after chemo because the drugs jack up my liver enzymes too much and cause delays in chemo cycles.

Hate this effing disease!

Lita

Oh I ask myself "why" are so many suffering from this most horrible disease. The thought of going thru treatment is enough for me to say forget it. How are we suppose to have a positive attitude when faced with chemo radiation and disfiguring surgery. I want to scream at the top of my lungs " we need better treatment, and a cure".

Now this is my kinda thread! I don't "do inspirational" very well, me with my gallows humor and independent nature.

I HATE IT when people say, "Oh, you're retired? Isn't it WONDERFUL? Don't you LOVE it" No it effing is NOT wonderful, thank you very much. Yes, I'm 64, but I didn't "retire." I was laid off in October 2015 after 15 years in an oil-related manufacturing job the same week I got my diagnosis of Stage 4 recurrence. My forced "retirement" means impending poverty and dependence on others for us - not some glowing depiction of attractive and hale seniors travelling the world or building that fantastic hide-away on a lake where the kids and grand-kids can make wonderful memories with Meme and Pepe. Not happenin'.

And...

We were recently invited to a holiday dinner for about 12 guests ( the very long Jewish holiday season just came to a close) and the hostess seated us across from a woman who was diagnosed the same time that I was, "so we could talk." Now, I've met this woman (Mrs. X) once before, she's a sweetie and from another city, but we are FB friends and can privately chat anytime online, although we rarely do. The hostess, who has also dealt with BC for many years, KNOWS that I'm a very private person -I don't give my family or friends blow-by-blow updates - and why she thinks I would come to a party so I could discuss my fatal disease in front of strangers (most of the other guests) is beyond me. It's not a %$#@*! support group; it's a dinner party!!! It didn't bother me that Mrs. X talked pretty non-stop about her treatments etc - she clearly needed the connection - but that kept leading to questions about what's going on with me etc. I demurred, answered some, tried changing the subject, but it made me uncomfortable. Ideally, I would've taken Mrs. X aside before we sat down and told her privately that I didn't want to discuss my cancer at the dinner table, but I had no idea that it was going to go on and on and on. Ah, hindsight. I couldn't wait to go home. I know the intention was good and the food was great...maybe it helped Mrs. X.

The above rant ties into my aggravation when people want to bring up my cancer when I'm at the grocery store, at the vet, wherever. Luckily, I have my hair back and don't look ill, so it's not much of a problem anymore, but again, respect my privacy. If I bring it up, that's one thing. If not, then clam the heck up. You all know how hard it is to get our minds off of this disease even for a few minutes. It's like having one of those scrolling neon Times Square news feeds running constantly through my consciousness. Let me buy my cashews in peace, lady.

Thanks, y'all. I needed that.