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A_Guy
A_Guy Member Posts: 42
edited May 2019 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

A while ago I wrote about my girlfriend Mila's battle with this awful disease, and was amazed at the tons of helpful and supportive responses that I received. I can't thank you enough.

I checked each name and was thrilled to see all of you are still here! I hope you're doing better than before. I mean that so much...

I lost her on June 14th. Words don't do justice to how bad this feels. There are times when I just feel flat or feel dull pain, and there are times when I feel like I have been punched in the stomach. Like now. http://forums.grieving.com/index.php?/topic/9813-three-and-a-half-months/

I so much hope for the day that they can cure this thing.




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  • blondedoris
    blondedoris Member Posts: 197
    edited September 2016

    So sorry for your loss - can't think of anything useful or helpful to say so just sending you hugs x

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  • Cafelovr
    Cafelovr Member Posts: 1,534
    edited September 2016

    I'm so sorry. It's hard to hear we've lost another sister, but for me, it gives me motivation to fight harder and make sure she didn't die in vain. Blessings!

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  • A_Guy
    A_Guy Member Posts: 42
    edited September 2016

    Thank you...

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  • 50sgirl
    50sgirl Member Posts: 2,527
    edited September 2016

    AGuy,

    Thank you for posting and for thinking of us. I have thought about you often since you lost Mila. I wondered how you were doing and if you were getting the support you need. I won't tell you that you will one day get over the loss of Mila, whom you loved so much. We never fully recover from such an event, we just move forward one day at a time. I hope that you think of the good times you shared with her, the joy you brought to each other, the special looks you gave to one another, and the love you shared. I hope that one day those thoughts can help to soften the pain you are now feeling.

    (((Hugs))) from, Lynne

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited September 2016

    A Guy, I also remember you when you were fighting so hard for Mila. I think death of a loved one is definitely such a life changing event. I do hope in time it becomes easier for you. Her warm memories will always be alive in your heart. Mila was lucky to have someone that cared so much for her. Cherish her memories. I wish you nothing but the best in the next chapter of your life.

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  • A_Guy
    A_Guy Member Posts: 42
    edited September 2016

    Thank you, Kandy and Lynne. Good hearing from you both. I really hope you are doing well. I really appreciate your kind thoughts and that you remember. I hope that you are taking as good care of yourselves as you possible can.

    I have taken a strong interest in life after life. That's not like me, but I'm desperate. Grieving.com pointed me to the best-selling book "The Light Between Us." The book then got me involved the Forever Family Foundation, secular, scientific non-profit that studies this stuff. They referred me to a course called "Love Knows No Death." This isn't the appropriate forum for discussing its contents, but I will say that it offers hope and help.

    Thank you again. I wish the best for the both of you.




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  • Bestbird
    Bestbird Member Posts: 2,818
    edited September 2016

    I remember you well, and how mightily you researched on behalf of your beloved Mila! Only a small percentage of partners ever reach out on behalf of their loved one, and you did so with perseverance and courage.

    It is a testament to your spirit and to Mila's memory that you took the time to check in to see how those with whom you liaised are faring, and it is good to see your post!

    I believe it's perfectly natural and understandable to take in interest in life after life, especially after losing someone dear. Many stories abound, as you've probably noted. However, this one in my opinion truly stands out. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhcJNJbRJ6U

    Sending you kind thoughts and best wishes!

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited September 2016

    Dear Mr. Guy, I'm so very sorry for your loss. Please know that your girlfriend Mila was blessed to have such a loving, caring, thoughtful boyfriend in you, who was willing to walk beside her and comfort her and simply be there for the last years, the last months of her life. I feel like when it all comes down to the nitty gritty of dealing with this disease, having that love is what truly matters. I know it is difficult to go through that with one whom you loved so completely, and you are feeling the effects of that loss. Give yourself time to process all the feelings. Many hugs and prayers for you,
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  • zarovka
    zarovka Member Posts: 3,607
    edited September 2016

    Good to hear from you Mr. Guy! Thank you for thinking of us. We're hanging in.

    Thinking of Mila ...

    >Z<

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  • artistatheart
    artistatheart Member Posts: 2,176
    edited September 2016

    You are showing your tremendous compassion again by checking in on us. I remember your story well and how much you cared for Mila. I do hope as time goes on you find peace and comfort in your life.

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  • Longtermsurvivor
    Longtermsurvivor Member Posts: 1,438
    edited September 2016

    A Guy,

    Of course I remember you and how you brought forth our strong and tender caring for Mila and your situation earlier this year.

    I appreciate your checking in with us after a season has passed and am glad to hear that you continue to be transformed by grief and love.

    They say, our grief is often proportional to our love. You are certainly being changed now and will never be the old you, only ever more true to the true you...may your way be eased by the love you shared with Mila and the care you've evoked from others for your lives and her death.

    May your relationship continue to grow, even across death's seeming abyss.

    warmest healing regards, Stephanie

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  • A_Guy
    A_Guy Member Posts: 42
    edited September 2016

    Thank you all!!! I mean that with everything I have. It is so good to hear from you. I wish we could all be in a room together and just talk for hours. I hope you are all taking supplements that can help, are exploring complementary options, clinical trials, MMJ oil (if you're on board with that), and have all the support that you need and deserve. Bestbird, I will watch that video. I have a friend who has told me about Anita.

    It was so hard to see how this f***ing disease ravaged the love of my life, and I hate that it's affecting good people like you. You don't deserve this. I see a psychologist twice a month, I cry a lot, I talk to her picture on the mantle, along with the box of ashes, I beg her to visit me at night, I am going to contact a certified medium, and I think about her all the time. Last night I lit a candle for her at a hospice chapel ceremony. I love her more than I love myself.

    I bought an apartment building last fall. Mila ran it, handled the renovation work, and did much more. It gave her a sense of purpose and life. Last fall I had a sick feeling of what would happen to her, and I knew that she was part of the fabric of the building. She always wanted a covered bike rack outside, and my contractor wanted to name it after her. I decided to put up a nice, elegant sign with her name on it on the side of the building. I named the building after her. We're also going to name the rack after her.

    I am a very pragmatic, skeptical guy. A year ago if you talked to me about afterlife, I would have laughed. Now, though, I'm not laughing. I was referred to "The Light Between Us," the NYT best-selling book. The book referred me to the non-profit, science-based Forever Family Foundation. They have an interactive grief course written by a doctor (Love knows No Death) that REALLY helps people on both sides of this. It's not about moving on. It's about our loved ones always being with us, can hear us, still love us, etc. It is very comforting.

    Thank you again. I always hope that a medical miracle happens for you.

    Jeff






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  • Fitztwins
    Fitztwins Member Posts: 7,969
    edited September 2016

    Jeff, thank you for sharing about Mila and thank you for sharing the book titles.

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  • A_Guy
    A_Guy Member Posts: 42
    edited September 2016

    Thank you, Stephanie. I am glad that you're here. I truly hope you are taking the best care of yourself. Are the ascites and other symptoms stable?

    I like what you said about grief. They say that grief is love turned inside out. Grief doesn't change you - it reveals you. I think both are true.

    I think of you people often, and still check in periodically. You were all so helpful and caring to me. It means a lot, and it says a so much about you.


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  • Heidihill
    Heidihill Member Posts: 5,476
    edited September 2016

    Jeff, thanks for checking in on us! I'm teary reading this thread. I hope your grief abates or transforms itself to something positive.

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  • Bestbird
    Bestbird Member Posts: 2,818
    edited September 2016

    Jeff, after reading your Sept. 21 note, I found myself remarking out loud what a lovely person you are. Your care for all of us is exceptionally touching; that said, please continue looking after yourself fully and well as you go through the healing process. That would be your best gift to all of us!

    There are so many things we cannot rationally explain, and sometimes the lives of even the most pragmatic and "grounded" people can be touched by the unknown. One of my favorite analogies is how we somehow "know" when someone is staring at us. To my knowledge there is nothing that scientifically explains this, yet it happens.

    I am glad that Mila's name will grace your building and bicycle rack. May her memory be a blessing!

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  • A_Guy
    A_Guy Member Posts: 42
    edited December 2016

    I know that we can't say "Merry Christmas" anymore (political correctness), so I'll instead say happy holidays. I hope you are all doing as well as you can, and that maybe you have all received some unexpected good news. I really hope that.

    I see that Stephanie (Longtermsurvivor) is no longer here. I am very sorry to have learned that. Please take care of yourselves.

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  • Bestbird
    Bestbird Member Posts: 2,818
    edited December 2016

    I was just thinking of you the other day! It is very kind of you to remember us, and I hope that during the holidays and beyond you will forge new, happy events that will continue to lighten your beautiful spirit.

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  • zarovka
    zarovka Member Posts: 3,607
    edited December 2016

    Merry Xmas, A_Guy. You and Mila are in our thoughts.

    >Z<

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  • artistatheart
    artistatheart Member Posts: 2,176
    edited December 2016

    I say Merry Christmas too "A_ guy". Blessing to you this holiday season.

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited December 2016

    Merry Christmas to you. I hope you are surrounded by love and warmth from family and friends.

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  • 50sgirl
    50sgirl Member Posts: 2,527
    edited December 2016

    Jeff, You have been in my thoughts during this holiday season. I know it must be particularly difficult for you to go through the holidays without your beloved Mila. It is so kind of you to remember us. I do wish you a Merry Christmas. May you be blessed with peace and find joy during this holiday season.

    Lynne

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  • A_Guy
    A_Guy Member Posts: 42
    edited January 2017

    I can't express my gratitude for your kindness... Thank you all so much.

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  • Bestbird
    Bestbird Member Posts: 2,818
    edited January 2017

    Jeff, not hanks are warranted. Your love for Mila speaks volumes, and you remain in our thoughts.

    Wishing you a gentle year!

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  • A_Guy
    A_Guy Member Posts: 42
    edited December 2017

    Hello everyone. I don't mean to sound glib or stupid, but I really hope you all are doing well - maybe some kind of medical advance, remission, reversal, clinical trial that shows promise, miracle, etc. Something with hope.

    I have checked the screen names and it is so gratifying to see that you are still here, but I am sad about the others. I smiled when I clicked on a name and it showed a last-logged-in date of yesterday.

    Bestbird, thank you for the video link. I loved that!

    For what it's worth, the initial shock of my loss has worn off, but then it's just dull pain. It sucks. There is nothing like this. It's a permanent void. That's just the way it is.

    I hope you are have a lot of support and are taking care of yourselves.

    Merry Christmas - happy holidays.




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  • 50sgirl
    50sgirl Member Posts: 2,527
    edited December 2017

    Guy, Thank you so much for checking in. Your story truly touched my heart, and I will never forget you and Mila. I understand why you feel such a void in your life. No one will ever take Mila's place, but I hope that you will someday be blessed with love and happiness again.

    As you can see, many of us are still living our lives and soaking in all the good moments we are given. New treatments continue to be researched and tested, and we all still hope for a cure or cures. At this time of year, I think of all the lives that have been lost and pray that future generations will not have to face MBC.

    I wish you peace and joy during this Christmas season and a happy New Year.

    Hugs and prayers from, Lynne



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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited December 2017

    Dear Guy, thanks for checking in with us. When my parents passed away in the late 1990s, within nine months of each other, I was devastated having never had such monumental loss as that. I picked up a book called Life After Loss and it was so informative, giving me insight I would not have gained otherwise.

    One thing I well remember is it said adjusting to such a big loss takes about three years to work thru many phases of dealing with it. Knowing that made it easier for me to grieve and not think I was overdoing it or going off the deep end. And of course, the loss never goes away, but we can move forward knowing we gave ourselves time to work through the heavier parts of grief.

    Earlier this year, I read another excellent book on loss, written by Sheryl Sandburg called Plan B. I thought it was going to be a refresher on things I already knew about loss. Instead, it was filled with so many new helpful insights on dealing with grief that I was thoroughly imoressed. It is a book I highly recommend to you and anyone else who has suffered loss. It always helps to know we are not alone.

    Sending many good thoughts your way.


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  • zarovka
    zarovka Member Posts: 3,607
    edited December 2017

    Hey Guy. So glad to hear from you. Merry Xmas.

    >Z<

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  • Bestbird
    Bestbird Member Posts: 2,818
    edited December 2017

    Jeff, it means more than words can say to hear from you, although I am sorry but not surprised to hear you are still grieving. As DivineMrsM said, it can take a long while to get through the hardest part, and your beloved Mila will always be a part of your heart. I also believe that, given your closeness with each other, Mila would want you to be as happy as possible, although it's something that will come with time and can never be forced. Her love will always remain with you, and letting the sun shine into your life will in turn let her spirit shine within you.

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  • A_Guy
    A_Guy Member Posts: 42
    edited May 2019

    Bestbird, it was so wonderful to come back to this forum and see that you are still here! I hope you are doing well. my friend.

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