When do I have to tell my family?

please tell your husband, he can be your biggest ally and support.

I told my boyfriend and a few close friends. I waited untilI had test results and data before I told anyone else. You need support but you dont want a ton of folks worrying unnecessarily.

The healing will take a few days, you'll need ice every hour or so, and some Motrin and there could be bruising, and your breast will be tender.

Hi, this is a very personal decision! You don't "have to" do it according to anyone else's prescription. I'm still struggling with it even though I've already had surgery and radiation. I'll share my story just so you can see how different it must be for different people. I am single so I didn't have to worry about telling a husband but you need to know that it may be difficult to hide a biopsy. It depends on where in the breast it is. I had a stereotactic core biopsy that removed many calcifications and was benign - it left a small scab noticable for a couple of weeks and it was very difficult to find a painless position for sleeping (hard to hide from a bed partner). Then I had a needle biopsy involving 3 or 4 pokes into a suspicious area that caused a very noticable dent that remained until I had surgery. That one found cancer but wasn't very painful afterwards. One thing you have to ask yourself is if your husband would be hurt that you didn't feel you could ask him for support at that time. Also, as you have already told some friends, how would he feel if he finds out from someone else? This is the kind of thing a couple of my doctors are warning me about. I'm listening, but when it comes down to it, one has to do what you think is best for yourself. I haven't told my best friend of 40 years because I know she would have a big anxiety attack and I would end up taking care of her just when I need to be able to concentrate on educating myself and making decisions. She is also the kind of person who would try to insert herself into the decision making process which would definitely not be helpful. I just don't need that. I see her very often and it is nice to be able just to enjoy her company as an oasis from the constant cancer stuff. I trust my grown daughters the most but don't want to tell them over the phone and I don't want to make them come rushing to my side when they have kids to take care of or to feel helpless because they live so far away. I'll be with them for a couple of weeks at Thanksgiving. By then, I'll be able to tell them what's what with no drama on my part but I've been told that they may feel that I underestimated their ability and desire to be there for me. I can only hope that because they know me very well that they will understand my need to digest this for a while on my own. I wish the best outcome for you

I can only tell you what I did, but of course your choice is your own. I told my husband everything right away. He is my best friend. I told the teenaged children about the biopsy mainly because I was having insurance authorization issues and it is hard to hide phone conversations. I did not make a big deal out of it though. It made it easier to tell them the news that I did have cancer when that came. Told my parents two days before biopsy. Told husband's parents after diagnosis. Shared with our siblings soon afterso they didn't find out through the grapevine. Shared with others as it felt right to do. I wish you the best for your decisions and your health.

I think you would have a hard time keeping this from your husband because the core needle biopsy often leaves a BIG bruise that would be visible for a lot longer than a couple of days.

I just want to reiterate - I didn't hide my cancer diagnosis from my spouse or family - I just waited until I had a firm biopsy result rather than cause unnecessary concern. My cancer "journey" didn't start until I was told that I had cancer, up until that point I was just having more of the same type of tests I had over the previous 20 years. I was told of my diagnosis in the middle of the work day - I worked in the same hospital, got a call to pop over and discuss, was not told to bring my spouse or a friend - no indication that I was going to receive challenging news. For me, and this is just me personally - not advice, the more that people around me are worried and stressed, the more stressed I am. I didn't tell them until the day of diagnosis because I was not only trying not to worry them, I was taking care of myself. I am not an individual that needs hand holding, or a shoulder to cry on - that is not my personality, and may be due to being a military spouse for 28 years. Other people do need that and should do what they deem appropriate so they feel supported. There is no set of rules, or one right way, about how we handle who we tell and when, or even which treatments to pursue. Do what feels right to you. My husband, my children, and extended family and friends could not have been more supportive and loving once I told them I had been diagnosed, and all of them provided just what I needed as I moved through treatment.

Hi Francine,

I had planned on "staying strong" and keeping this from my husband until I had a diagnosis. The day before my core biopsy, I caved and told him. He accompanied me and I was very glad that he did. When I was told by the radiologist at the biopsy that it was most certainly cancer, I think I went into shock (started to convulse/tremor uncontrollably). It was extremely comforting to have my husband with me; I don't think I would have made it home.

My fingers are crossed for you that because the MRI was inconclusive, it is benign. I had understood that MRIs are very effective screening tools.

Francine,

Lots of women who have visited this site have tested negative for cancer at biopsy time. But, they're unlikely to be here because their biopsy results were benign!

I wouldn't assume that you are going to be diagnosed with cancer. Gut feelings can be wrong! I remember being "sure" that my first child was going to be a boy -- so wrong (sorry, Rosie).

As far as telling people, I told DH first. Once I had a plan, I told my parents and siblings. I also told my boss and people at my office because I was going to have chemo and wanted to modify my work assignments. Then, the cat was out of the bag, so to speak. I really didn't mind. Cancer is what it is. It's a condition; it's not who I am.

Best of luck!

Hi Francine, sorry I haven't gotten back sooner.

Ok, thanks for the added info...

Based on your report, the radiologist is recommending a biopsy because they can't rule in or rule out cancer. But it's not screaming "cancer" either. With a BIRADS4b, you fall into the "80% come back B9" category, so hand on to that.

Keep busy!! The waiting is hard and we know that.

I'll go back for a follow-up mammo six months after the biopsy (in December).

Hope your results are also benign.

Thinking of you Francine2. The waiting is so hard. Hang in there.