When do I have to tell my family?

Francine2

New member, first post! Glad to have found this site, but it's scaring me a bit to read so much all at once.

I have no diagnosis yet. Had breast pain-->inconclusive mammo--> inconclusive US --> inconclusive MRI. I am having core biopsy in 2 weeks. Hoping it will be negative, but I definitely have that "just know" feeling. Really hope I am wrong. I had at least 5 family members with breast cancer, though, so I've long expected this day would come. We will see.

I have told a few close friends and I honestly don't feel I need more support than that until there are actual test results.

Do I have to tell my husband? What is the healing like after core biopsy? Will he notice anything? I can easily stay covered up for a few days, especially during a busy work week! But how long does it take to heal? I'd rather just have the biopsy. If it's negative, I can casually tell him about it at some point. If it's positive, obviously I'll have to tell him. But when?

I have 2 teenaged children. Don't plan to tell them at all until there are results and a course of action planned, if needed.

I usually tell my sister most everything, but I can't bring myself to tell her about the need for biopsy. I will, though, before the actual date.

Would be very interested to know how and what you tell family members, at what stages? thank you.

Suzie926

please tell your husband, he can be your biggest ally and support.

I told my boyfriend and a few close friends. I waited untilI had test results and data before I told anyone else. You need support but you dont want a ton of folks worrying unnecessarily.

The healing will take a few days, you'll need ice every hour or so, and some Motrin and there could be bruising, and your breast will be tender.

SpecialK

I did not tell my husband until I had a diagnosis. I had the mammo, which did not detect a palpable 2.5cm mass, immediately followed by ultrasound that did see it, on Sept. 9th. I had the biopsy on Sept. 22nd, and diagnosis on Sept. 27th. I told him that evening when he got home from work. Over the 20 years that I had breast issues I had numerous mammos - sometimes bi-annually, followed by ultrasounds, FNAs, US guided FNAs, numerous cysts, etc. I did not advise my husband about each of those events, and he did not accompany me to any of those appointments, nor did I need him to. I felt the same about the biopsy, and really didn't want to cause him worry until I had to. I told my 21 year old daughter, who was a live at home college student, on the day of diagnosis, and both she and my husband accompanied me to the consult with the breast surgeon. My 22 year old son lived out of state and we told him via Skype, but not until there was a treatment plan. I realize that this is probably not the norm, but wanted to present another perspective. I had a small bruise after the biopsy, but returned to work the next day and just put a small ice pack in my bra for 15 minutes out of each hour. My tumor was pretty easily felt and not hard to access, I did not have much, if any, residual discomfort after a day or two. Not everyone has that experience though, some have found their biopsy to be more involved and/or painful.

Sara536

Hi, this is a very personal decision! You don't "have to" do it according to anyone else's prescription. I'm still struggling with it even though I've already had surgery and radiation. I'll share my story just so you can see how different it must be for different people. I am single so I didn't have to worry about telling a husband but you need to know that it may be difficult to hide a biopsy. It depends on where in the breast it is. I had a stereotactic core biopsy that removed many calcifications and was benign - it left a small scab noticable for a couple of weeks and it was very difficult to find a painless position for sleeping (hard to hide from a bed partner). Then I had a needle biopsy involving 3 or 4 pokes into a suspicious area that caused a very noticable dent that remained until I had surgery. That one found cancer but wasn't very painful afterwards. One thing you have to ask yourself is if your husband would be hurt that you didn't feel you could ask him for support at that time. Also, as you have already told some friends, how would he feel if he finds out from someone else? This is the kind of thing a couple of my doctors are warning me about. I'm listening, but when it comes down to it, one has to do what you think is best for yourself. I haven't told my best friend of 40 years because I know she would have a big anxiety attack and I would end up taking care of her just when I need to be able to concentrate on educating myself and making decisions. She is also the kind of person who would try to insert herself into the decision making process which would definitely not be helpful. I just don't need that. I see her very often and it is nice to be able just to enjoy her company as an oasis from the constant cancer stuff. I trust my grown daughters the most but don't want to tell them over the phone and I don't want to make them come rushing to my side when they have kids to take care of or to feel helpless because they live so far away. I'll be with them for a couple of weeks at Thanksgiving. By then, I'll be able to tell them what's what with no drama on my part but I've been told that they may feel that I underestimated their ability and desire to be there for me. I can only hope that because they know me very well that they will understand my need to digest this for a while on my own. I wish the best outcome for you

EIJ

Dear Francine 2

I will be going for my vacuum assisted biopsy tomorrow, slightly more than a year after my first biopsy. The decision is entirely yours. I told my husband, sister and a few close friends because it is always good to have support. It's hard "pretending" that all is ok especially when I have teenage and pre-teen kids so I need places and people I can go to when I need a break, or to have a small cry I try not to burden my husband too much as his mom is also not well.

For now, you need to be "selfish" and do what you think is best for you! You are in my prayers 🙏🏻

joyandpiece

I can only tell you what I did, but of course your choice is your own. I told my husband everything right away. He is my best friend. I told the teenaged children about the biopsy mainly because I was having insurance authorization issues and it is hard to hide phone conversations. I did not make a big deal out of it though. It made it easier to tell them the news that I did have cancer when that came. Told my parents two days before biopsy. Told husband's parents after diagnosis. Shared with our siblings soon afterso they didn't find out through the grapevine. Shared with others as it felt right to do. I wish you the best for your decisions and your health.

etnasgrl

I could not have gone through this the way that I did without telling my husband! He knew EVERYTHING, every step of the way, from the first call back when I went in for my routine mammogram. He was my strongest support system, my biggest cheerleader, and my best friend during my cancer "journey".
Hiding it from him, in my opinion, would have been awful. If the roles were reversed and he had cancer or had a concern about possibly having cancer, I would want to know.

That being said, once a diagnosis was confirmed, I ended up telling very few people. My husband and my three best friends from high school, (we have stayed in constant touch since graduation and have been friends with each other since age 10!), and that was it.
My mother passed away from Stage 4 breast cancer, so I didn't tell my father. He has heart issues and I knew that if I told him that I now had what killed his wife, he would have been severely stressed and overwhelmed. I just couldn't do that to him!
I also didn't tell my son. He still knows nothing. (He's 12, was 11 when I was diagnosed.) He knows how my mother died and has ALWAYS been worried that I would one day get breast cancer too. One day down the road, I will tell my son.....he has a right to know and he needs to know his family's health history, but for now, I'll remain silent. The cancer is gone, there is no need to worry him. If it comes back, I will absolutely tell him then.

The choice of who you tell and when is deeply personal. Do what you feel is right for you. But please, for your own mental well being, tell someone close to you. You need support!

MelissaDallas

I think you would have a hard time keeping this from your husband because the core needle biopsy often leaves a BIG bruise that would be visible for a lot longer than a couple of days.

Francine2

Thank you all for the different perspectives. Especially you, SpecialK, because you summed up exactly how I feel right now.

Not sure how I'll put ice in my bra at home without the kids noticing, but I'll figure it out. I'm planning to go to work the following day, sounds like that is realistic, right?

SpecialK

I just want to reiterate - I didn't hide my cancer diagnosis from my spouse or family - I just waited until I had a firm biopsy result rather than cause unnecessary concern. My cancer "journey" didn't start until I was told that I had cancer, up until that point I was just having more of the same type of tests I had over the previous 20 years. I was told of my diagnosis in the middle of the work day - I worked in the same hospital, got a call to pop over and discuss, was not told to bring my spouse or a friend - no indication that I was going to receive challenging news. For me, and this is just me personally - not advice, the more that people around me are worried and stressed, the more stressed I am. I didn't tell them until the day of diagnosis because I was not only trying not to worry them, I was taking care of myself. I am not an individual that needs hand holding, or a shoulder to cry on - that is not my personality, and may be due to being a military spouse for 28 years. Other people do need that and should do what they deem appropriate so they feel supported. There is no set of rules, or one right way, about how we handle who we tell and when, or even which treatments to pursue. Do what feels right to you. My husband, my children, and extended family and friends could not have been more supportive and loving once I told them I had been diagnosed, and all of them provided just what I needed as I moved through treatment.

Jennie93

Francine, like others have said, everyone is different, but I know it was very helpful for me to hear lots of different experiences in those early days. I've had two biopsies, both times they had me there early in the morning and I went to work afterward. They use plenty of local anesthetic and there was very little pain. They gave me a little ice pack thing with a sticky backing to slip into my bra, but frankly I don't think it does much. Honestly it was a non event. There was quite a lot of bruising later, and the kind of pain/tenderness that you'd expect from a bruise. That lasted a long time. The first one was still bruised at the time of surgery which was 3 weeks later. I'm one of those people that is really self-conscious about my body and I undress behind closed doors, so my DH never saw it, but even so, you would want him to know, so that he will be careful not to touch that one.

I too was one of those people that did not want to tell anyone. Like Sara, there are certain people in my life that would butt in way too much or freak out and need me to support them rather than the other way around. So I told very few at first - hubby, mom, best friend - until a plan was in place. Told the kids (grown & not living at home) shortly before surgery. Told boss once surgery was scheduled. A few more friends and relatives. That was about it. And if it would've turned out that surgery was all that was needed, as we all expected beforehand, I probably would never have told anyone else, but as it turned out, I needed chemo after all, and then there was no hiding it. But you know what, I have to admit, everyone was so kind and supportive, so it all worked out fine.

Now others are the opposite, and they post updates on Facebook for all the world to see, and that's what works for them. lol

Do whatever works for you. But I really don't think you should hide it from your hubby. With everyone else, yeah, don't worry them until you know there's something to worry about, but he needs to know. I certainly would not have wanted him to go with me to the biopsies but he would have been very hurt if I didn't tell him until afterward.

stephincanada

Hi Francine,

I had planned on "staying strong" and keeping this from my husband until I had a diagnosis. The day before my core biopsy, I caved and told him. He accompanied me and I was very glad that he did. When I was told by the radiologist at the biopsy that it was most certainly cancer, I think I went into shock (started to convulse/tremor uncontrollably). It was extremely comforting to have my husband with me; I don't think I would have made it home.

My fingers are crossed for you that because the MRI was inconclusive, it is benign. I had understood that MRIs are very effective screening tools.

Francine2

This really is quite nerve wracking. I still have 12 days til my biopsy.

I told my sister. That went OK, but she really is my best friend in life.

Didn't tell DH yet but I guess I will do it sometime between now and the procedure. He deserves to be warned. I feel certain that this is ca. Still hoping I'm wrong but I can't imagine that it is not.

Does anyone actually have negative core biopsies?

ElaineTherese

Francine,

Lots of women who have visited this site have tested negative for cancer at biopsy time. But, they're unlikely to be here because their biopsy results were benign!

I wouldn't assume that you are going to be diagnosed with cancer. Gut feelings can be wrong! I remember being "sure" that my first child was going to be a boy -- so wrong (sorry, Rosie).

As far as telling people, I told DH first. Once I had a plan, I told my parents and siblings. I also told my boss and people at my office because I was going to have chemo and wanted to modify my work assignments. Then, the cat was out of the bag, so to speak. I really didn't mind. Cancer is what it is. It's a condition; it's not who I am.

Best of luck!

marie5890

80% of all biopsies, FNA or Core, come back B9.

When you say that your MRI was inconclusive, can you be more specific? Do you have copies of any of your reports? If so, is there a BIRAD rating on any of them?

The reason for the questions is that MRI's are notorious for lighting up EVERYTHING, cancer or otherwise, thus their high false positive rate.

If your MRI was "inconclusive" that makes me wonder if it's not so concerning.

Since it's a couple of week until your biopsy, think about getting copies of your mammo/US/MRI reports. We can help you understanding what is or is not being seen.

Oh yea, that whole "gut" feeling thing. I've know many a woman who has come thru here absolutely positive they had cancer. And they didn't

Many things can happen to our breasts, and truth be told, most are not cancer.

HANG IN THERE. The waiting is hard. We know this

Francine2

OK, Marie, I appreciate your interest so much. Thank you for your support!

MRI conclusion:

RIGHT BREAST: BI-RADS Category 4B: Suspicious abnormality
(intermediate suspicion).

LEFT BREAST: BI-RADS Category 1: Negative.

aven

4B here. Benign.

12 days!!! I was reading constantly during the 4 days that I waited for the biopsy. And then during the other 4 that it took to get the results.

(A few more days and I would have retrained myself as a radiologist

My radiologist told me that they simply don't know whether it's cancer just by looking at it. If he could tell (which he can in a number of cases), we would be having a different conversation.

Francine2

Thanks aven!

So now what kind of monitoring do you do, going forward?

I delayed scheduling the biopsy because my kids were starting school, and my elderly mom is having some med problems that I'm dealing with. Had to find a free day to go!

Keep the stories coming, Everyone. thank you.

LM070917

I told my husband throughout my experience from noticing the lump to biospy and DX. He was my rock, I can't imagine not sharing it with him, it was such a relief to tell someone so close to me. I told my mum once I received DX but that was because she is in the uk and I'm in Australia and I didn't want to worry her until I knew for sure.

marie5890

Hi Francine, sorry I haven't gotten back sooner.

Ok, thanks for the added info...

Based on your report, the radiologist is recommending a biopsy because they can't rule in or rule out cancer. But it's not screaming "cancer" either. With a BIRADS4b, you fall into the "80% come back B9" category, so hand on to that.

Keep busy!! The waiting is hard and we know that.

Jennie93

Francine, I had two biopsies, one on each side, one was cancer, one was a harmless fibroadenoma.

aven

I'll go back for a follow-up mammo six months after the biopsy (in December).

Hope your results are also benign.

Francine2

Had my biopsy, now waiting for results. This was not a pleasant experience. Not sure what was worse, holding still for so long, the humiliation of being so exposed, the pain, or worry about the findings. All the radiologists would say is that they were confident they biopsied the right areas.

Wonder when I'll hear from someone.

Smurfette26

Thinking of you Francine2. The waiting is so hard. Hang in there.

candi07

I had a biopsy of two areas of left breast. I didn't tell my DH and he hasn't noticed the steri strips...he's not much of a boob man. Plus he's a little down as it was the anniversary of his mothers passing and got bad news about other family members so I don't want to put more on him right now until I have the results. I don't plan on saying anything unless it comes back malignant. Even then I will be very selective in who I tell. I'm aprivate person and don't like everyone knowing my business. I have a best friend who can't keep secrets so I won't tell her. I would just tell my immediate family. With my first diagnosis I felt like people were more noisy than helpful.