Telling Elderly Parents

Hi, 4kidzs.

I told my 87 and 92 year old parents last year. I kept it concise. I said I had breast cancer but I was getting treatment and I feel mostly normal. I think I glossed over the "stage iv" part of it. I said as much as I thought they could take in.

I waited until I could say it without any resentment that they were healthy as horses, and I was the one with the horrible illness. I let go of wishing that they could offer emotional support or practical assistance. I held the image in my mind of the two of them as children, and I didn't offer any details. Mom asked if I was okay, and forgot about it (dementia.) Dad just looked sad and changed the subject.

I don't know if it's a generational thing, or that's just my family's culture. (We are the kind of uptight WASPs who do not talk about feelings.)

The right choice is the one that you feel okay with. When I can't bring myself to do something, I take it as a sign that I'm not ready yet, or I'm still undecided.

You can give yourself time to think about it. There is time.

I expect to outlive my parents, even if it kills me.

4kidzs, This is a difficult, very personal decision you are trying to make. I lost my parents before I was diagnosed, so anything I say is based on assumptions and also based on what I know about my parents' personalities and habits. I think that I would not have told my parents, at least not yet. I am feeling good, looking perfectly healthy, and functioning pretty much normally. My only sibling, a sister, passed away from aplastic anemia 30 years ago. It was difficult to watch my parents worry about her when she was sick. They were only in their 50s then - strong, healthy, full of life. They got through it, of course, because they had to. I feel that it would be even harder as elderly parents to go through my illness knowing that it is terminal. My mother was computer-savvy and would have googled metastatic or stage IV bc. My father read a lot. He would have researched the disease. They would have seen those awful outdated statistics. As older adults who were retired, they would have had way too much time to think about things. They would have been worried and sad, and they would have felt helpless. They would have tried to support me. I don't think anything would have been gained by telling them. I think that would have told them eventually but only if my disease became worse, if I showed obvious signs of illness or decline, or if I felt I was nearing death.

As I said, this is personal. What is right for one person and her parents is not right for another. Here are a few things to think about while you try to decide what to do. How do you think your parents will react? I know you are just guessing, but that's okay. Will they obsess about your condition? Will they provide you with comfort and support? Will you need to give them comfort and support? Is it possible that it will cause you more stress if they know? Do you feel guilty that you haven't told them? Will telling them make you feel better, more relaxed with them, less guilty? Will it bring you closer? Will they understand what you are telling them? Do you look sick? Are your activities visibly limited to the extent they will question you about it?

In the meantime, what you are doing right now is the correct thing for you for this moment in time. Don't feel pressured to make a quick decision. Don't tell your parents until you are ready to do it. If you never tell the, that is okay, too. Every situation is unique. As NineTwelve said, the right choice is the one you are okay with.

Hugs, Lynne

4kids

It is a very individual decision as you can see from other answers. I choose not to tell my 86 year old mother. She had multiple medical problems at the time of my dx. My uncle is 82 and healthy and very involved in the lives of everyone I know. I told him and he has been a wonderful support. Good luck in Mali g this decision.

Mary