Why are people Idiots?

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Kandy
Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
edited June 2016 in Stage IV/Metastatic Breast Cancer ONLY

So as most of you know I have been through a lot in the past sixmonths. Not going to repeat it, if you don't know please read my other threads. Anyway, my Mother, which I will admit never really is supportive. She called one night to get an update on my situation. I wasn't in the mood to talk to her so my DH had to handle it. Needless to say she is not his favorite person. Anyway after he assured her I was doing well. She asked the dreaded question. She wanted to know that considering my prognosis, why did I choose to put myself through that kind of major surgery. Grrrrrr. He said because she wants to walk and no one knows the future. Of course she wouldn't let it go. So he said well I guess it's no different from you. You have outlived the normal life expectancy of a woman but you keep having your crap done. She had nothing else to say about that. But it still bothers me she even said it. I already feel better than I did before surgery so I already feel ahead of the game. Why does people have to say such hurtful things? And what business is it of theirs anyway. I am still mentally capable of making all my choices. Just needed to get it off my chest. Thanks for listening. Wishing and praying nothing but the best for each and everyone of you.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited March 2016

    to you! Sorry that you had to go through this additional stress, with your mom no less. We understand how maddening and saddening this must feel. Would it be worth discussing with her, or just better to just let it go? We're all here for you! Vent all you need!

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited March 2016

    The sad thing is you can't discuss anything with her. She is ruthless. She can be so rude but if you call her out on it, you are being disrespectful. Grrr. Just grin and bear it. Thanks Mods for the hug.

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  • Beatmon
    Beatmon Member Posts: 1,562
    edited March 2016

    I not surprised you don't take take her calls! I'm so sorry you had to hear that. You can call me instead anytime. XO

    Brenda E

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  • GG27
    GG27 Member Posts: 2,128
    edited March 2016

    When I saw the heading of this thread, I was going to come on here with a smart ass answer thinking it was another thread about stupid things people say, but I am just appalled at reading your story. It's bad enough when either friends or people that don't know us that well act like that, but honestly, your mother???? Wow... I am so sorry you're going through that as well as your surgery etc. ((hugs)) GG

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  • 50sgirl
    50sgirl Member Posts: 2,527
    edited March 2016

    Kandy, unfortunately, as they say, we cannot choose our relatives. You don't know me from Adam, but for what it is worth, I think you are making wise, well-thought out decisions. Everyone on these boards knows how agonizing it was for you to choose the right treatment when you needed surgery. You did not enter into it lightly. You made the right choice. You are a strong, brave woman, and you deserve the best treatment available to you. We all want acceptance and support from mothers, but sometimes it just does not happen. We are all flawed in some way, and in some cases, that flaw shows at the worst possible time. This is that time for your mother. No one can explain why she is the way she is or why she says what she says. Although it is hard to do, you need to put it behind you and move forward. You are a caring, important person, and there are many of us right here to support you.

    Big (((hugs))) for you.

    Lynne

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  • Rosevalley
    Rosevalley Member Posts: 3,061
    edited March 2016

    (((Hugs))) I feel your pain! I kind of like what your DH said... "hey you're old and out lived your life expectancy." Why throw money down the elderly hole when your next stop is the grave? Elderly folks account for most of our health care dollars and that never slowed anyone down. Good come back. If surgery helps your quality of life then go for it! As you pointed out you feel better and can get around better. Remind her of that come Christmas! Good thing you have your daughter, DH and a new Grandbaby on the way!

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited March 2016

    Lynn, thank you. What a well thought out response. If I didn't know better, I would think you knew my mother, lol.

    Rosevalley, you are so right, I am so grateful for my kids and my DH. One thing my Mom did teach me was to try my best to be different.

    Beatmon, thanks for the offer to call you, I may just take you up on that

    GG, thank you also. My Mom never ceases to amaze us with what comes out of her mouth.

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  • Kessala
    Kessala Member Posts: 189
    edited March 2016

    "So he said well I guess it's no different from you. You have outlived the normal life expectancy of a woman but you keep having your crap done."

    GOOD FOR YOUR HUSBAND!!!!!

    What a WONDERFUL comeback! He's quick on the draw, that one. I'm the type who doesn't think of a retort until hours later and then I'm all, "I should have said....." Too late by then.

    Every single time I read about some horror happening to my peeps on a Stage IV breast cancer forum I thank God I am able to keep my cancer secret from friends and family. Most people seem to have a need to tell others about their health or it can't be avoided since you're in each others lives so closely. My situation is unique. Only medical people and my husband know I have cancer, much less that it's terminal. I'm 10 years from my Stage IV diagnosis and it's still my secret.

    Kessala

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited March 2016

    Kessala, I am so jealous. How I would love to not have to tell my medical problems. It is obvious here. I try to stay evasive but she rides me that I don't tell her anything. Wonder why, lol. She didn't know I was having surgery till the day before. I just didn't want to hear it. Congratulations on 10 years. That is so inspirational. I want to grow up to be just like you.

    Thanks to everyone for being so supportive. Y'all are awesome.

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  • Rosieo
    Rosieo Member Posts: 262
    edited March 2016

    Kandy

    I think you are a very brave person to be able to make up your mind to go thru that intense surgery.

    But, good for you. Every little bit of hope to be able to live another day with comfort is worth everything to us. God bless and I hope you continue with strength.

    I can't believe your mom said that :-(

    Rosieo

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  • Rosieo
    Rosieo Member Posts: 262
    edited March 2016

    Kess

    Yes I agree to the keeping our prognosis private. I am stage 4 also. My daughters and son and my brother know but I am trying my best to keep it from everyone else. The only give away I think is the wig but then if people want to know what is going on, they will have to ask me "Is that a wig" :-) and so far no one has asked me, although I am sure some people know it is.

    A group I belong to keep asking me Are you OK? this is like every meeting. but I keep saying yes I am fine and let it at that. My niece too wanted to know everything because she knew I was going for scans buy she worked in the same office as me and although I think she would mean well, if she knew I ams sure the office would know.

    So yes I feel better not having to play the part of the sick Stage 4 cancer person.

    Thanks Rosieo

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  • RonnieKay
    RonnieKay Member Posts: 2,067
    edited March 2016

    50s girl had such a beautiful response....I'm pretending I wrote it :-) Anyhoo...you are awesome & I'm overjoyed you're feeling so much better!!! Obviously, you take after your dad...I do too :)

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  • pajim
    pajim Member Posts: 2,785
    edited March 2016

    Kandy, if your husband is willing, maybe he can continue to handle it for you. That's one of the best comebacks I've ever heard. It's great he's on your side and doesn't feel the need to be "nice and polite". Means the two of you are on the same page.

    I'm glad you're feeling better. Here's to walking!!

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited March 2016

    Kandy, that's too bad that a mother would say that, but you know that she'll never change. It's nice your husband runs interference for you. Mine does too when it's necessary and I appreciate it.

    Your hubby had an excellent response to your mom's question. I'm also reminded of a reply someone else (I forget who) gives for a similar question,"Why do you ask, areyou expecting to receive something from her estate?"

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  • Holeinone
    Holeinone Member Posts: 2,478
    edited March 2016

    Kandy, I am a newbie to the stage 4 forums, but I did read some of your posts about the surgery. It was a brave choice & sounds like it was the right choice.

    My mother was very self-centered. She said horrible things to me & my sister. It took a long time to realize that it was her, not capable of being a parent or a role model. It's a tough way to grow up. Sorry that your Mom also has some deficiencies.

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited March 2016

    Thank you all for your wonderful responses. My Mom does have her own issues, mostly mental that she refuses to acknowledge. Holeinone, you are exactly right, she is incapable of being a mother. You sound so much like my sister, she could have wrote your response. She handles it better than me. She says that she quit having expectations of her a long time ago. That way she is not disappointed. I have tried to think differently, it just doesn't happen for me. I just keep going back for more. I am so glad I can vent here. Y'all are awesome.

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  • lalady1
    lalady1 Member Posts: 618
    edited March 2016

    Kandy - love your DH response. Touche and glad he has your back. We are rooting for you. Personally, I have kept my recent IV diagnosis private, only 3 of my siblings and 2 girl friends know. With some fake eyelashes and "halo" hair, no one is the wiser at my job which I intend to keep as long as I can. No one's business but our own for our choices. This weekend I watched the HBO special on Nora Ephron ("When Harry met Sally") called "Everything is Copy" - no one knew she had leukemia until she did not come home from the NY hospital in 2012. My kind of gal!

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  • exbrnxgrl
    exbrnxgrl Member Posts: 12,424
    edited March 2016

    Kandy,

    Yes, as said previously, we can't choose our family, so we all make decisions how how close or far to hold them. Despite the fact that you know your mother well, I am so sorry she said that because the sting is still there.

    Your dh handled it well. Focus on healing and glad you're feeling better.

    Kessala,

    Congrats on 10 years. That is an inspirational milestone. Incidentally, over the course of almost five years with mets, pretty much everyone knows I am stage IV. I am so fortunate to have only positive reactions and tremendous support. Not that it was my intention, but in my openness I have been able to give support , inspiration, and hope to others who have cancer. So, there is an upside to being an open book 😊

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  • artistatheart
    artistatheart Member Posts: 2,176
    edited March 2016

    Kandy, I have to jump in too just to say how incredibly courageous it was for you to choose a better quality of life with such a risky surgery. I think of you almost every day and it gives me a boost of resolve and courage myself. My mother was a lot like yours and Caryn is right, the sting is always there. We never outgrow wanting our Mother's to be supportive and proud of us. Ronniekay, that cracks me up! I took after my Dad too...There are many times I wish I had kept my dx to myself as I live in a fairly small town and things go around like wild fire. Everywhere I go I can tell who knows and who doesn't. It's a odd feeling sometimes and I am not good with sympathy. But also I like what Caryn said about it helping other people to see me doing OK and still working and even skiing a little. I hope I can serve as inspiration in some small way.

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  • RonnieKay
    RonnieKay Member Posts: 2,067
    edited March 2016

    It sounds like many of us came from "tough old bird" mothers :-). Best part of that: when I was mothering 3 kids, I always thought of how I would've wanted certain situations to go with my mom....and usually followed my gut/heart when I found myself in those situations with my kids. It worked...and my kids & I have a much closer, comfortable, easier relationship. I think the compassion, strength & love shown on these boards is divine & yes, Artist, you inspire in big ways! What an amazing family we have here!!!

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited March 2016

    Bon, love it

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  • stagefree
    stagefree Member Posts: 2,780
    edited March 2016

    Kandy.. You can choose your friends, but you cannot choose your family... I remind myself of this phrase whenever they get on my nerves.. And that's quite often.

    Huge hugs,

    Ebru

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  • car2tenn
    car2tenn Member Posts: 515
    edited March 2016

    Thanks everyone for your remarks...It makes me feel right at home...I never talk to anyone about my problems with my mother but there are a host of them..She is now 95 years old...She has a tongue that can slay but she is always proud that she never uses any profanity....

    anyway, I have chosen the path of letting everyone know I have stage 4 cancer. For me it has meant enormous support, kindness and acceptance plus some great advice. We all have to handle this unfortunate diagnosis the best we can...Carolyn from Music City

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  • artistatheart
    artistatheart Member Posts: 2,176
    edited March 2016

    good point Ronniekay, I think my Mom made me a better Mother by me doing the things I thought I missed in my childhood from her. My kids and I also have such a great relationship. Hahaha good one Bon! car2tenn, 95 is awesome. I think that generation in particular just tells it how it is. No beating around the bush....Also, as far as everyone knowing about my Dx, I would say I get 50/50 on the support and kindness VS patronizing false flattery, extremely personal inquisitions, and just being basically dumped by people who used to socialize with me. It can be hard sometimes but I have learned a lot about people and life and have mostly learned to just move past it.

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  • JFL
    JFL Member Posts: 1,947
    edited March 2016

    Kandy, I just want to say I am so happy for you. Surgery was such a tough call and to hear how drastically your quality of life has improved since the surgery is just wonderful! You followed your instincts and they led you to the right decision for you.

    I am so sorry you have to hear those kind of statements from your mother. When people say hurtful things like that, I try to keep in mind, it is them not me. Happy, confident, content people do not intentionally say hurtful things to others like that. It is possible her statements come from her own unhappiness/insecurity. You don't deserve to be in that situation. I have not told many people about my dx because I don't want to feel like people are writing me off, waiting for me to die. I just can't deal with that from an emotional standpoint. It would send me over the edge. You deserve to be treated better and did nothing wrong here!!!

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  • 3-16-2011
    3-16-2011 Member Posts: 559
    edited March 2016

    kandy

    I am so impressed with your strength to find the path that is right for you and your family. Such a beautiful story of how your husband takes care of you. Wishing you peace

    Mary

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  • GatorGal
    GatorGal Member Posts: 2,550
    edited March 2016

    Kandy,

    Family is family and I've shared a bit about mine with you. Sorry your mother is such a twit. Two years ago, i was planning a wedding for my daughter who wanted a wedding but didn't want anything to do with the planning. She was difficult to deal with and causing me lots of stress. I talked to my pastor, asking for advice as to how I could handle the wedding prep, dealing with her venom, and still have a happy wedding day for her. In other words, I didn't want to lose my temper and say anything I might regret. He knows my daughter well so was a good person to ask. He said to repeat over and over "it's just Lena being Lena." Believe it or not, something that simple worked for me. She had a baby in January and in the past two months has become a totally different person. She is sweet, loving, caring, an awesome daughter, mom, sister. I can't say enough good about her. I am thankful that I was able to keep my cool through a stressful time and that today my daughter and I are extremely close. So, maybe saying "It's just mom being mom" over and over may help just a little! LOL!

    Glenna

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  • DivineMrsM
    DivineMrsM Member Posts: 9,620
    edited March 2016

    GatorGal, gosh, thanks so much for the story and the insight. Your experience brought tears to my eyes! You are a great mom for seeking advice and using it; I love your maturity about the whole wedding situation. I'm so happy for you. My mom's been gone since 1997 and tho there was always love, we definitely had our ups and downs; she suffered from mental illness so times could be trying. Our relationship got much better when I married and then when I had my son, it was even easier to get along with her; she passed when he was three years old.

    I have a sister-in-law who I swear intentionally trolls for trouble. She's always laying out the bait. Dh and I (it's his sister) do not engage with her because no matter what is said, no matter how innocent or kind, she manages to twist it into something awful. I will take your advice and say to myself from now on, "It's just B being B."

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  • Kandy
    Kandy Member Posts: 1,461
    edited March 2016

    Thank you all for your wonderful advice and insight. Y'all are so supportive, it means so much to me. Her words always cut to the bone with me. And you are right it is because I have an emotional attachment. I do realize that I should be like my sister and lower my expectations but it is difficult for me. I think everyone of you are the best. I wish I could do a big group hug. Wishing each and everyone of you, nothing but the best.

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  • JudyKRN
    JudyKRN Member Posts: 45
    edited June 2016

    My mother is a Narcissist. The first time I had cancer, 11 years ago, she was obnoxious. When I was undergoing chemo, she would call to see how I was. In reality, she wanted me to be all Pollyanna and tell her I was fine, just to make HER feel better. well, I was feeling pretty sick from the chemo and was in no mood to fake it. She told my sisters she wasn't going to call me anymore, because I was "short" with her on the phone. She also told me she knew how I felt, going thru chemo because SHE was experiencing some hair thinness! Never mind I was completely bald and suffering the effects of chemo, something SHE has never had to experience. She also told me she was glad I had reconstruction because otherwise I'd be "deformed."

    Soooo, this time, with my recurrence, I haven't told her. This old bat is 92. I'm hoping I'm able to hold out and not have to go thru chemo until she's gone. Otherwise she'll know, only due to me being bald again.

    I'm sorry if I sound so callous. But she has made me and my sisters lives miserable, since we can remember. I would love to write her off but she is old and getting physically frail and I could never walk away and leave my remaining sister (my other sister died of lung cancer in 2009) holding the bag.

    I wish I had a magic bullet for you, Kandy. The only thing I can say is, not to take her crap. Set your boundaries with her and stick to them. Call her out on her bull crap. I've had lots of therapy (for my first bout with cancer and then sequed into dealing with a narcissistic mother) and those recommendations were the best ever. (((HUGS)))

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