spouse left me after diagnosis

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nifmom
nifmom Member Posts: 1
edited June 2018 in Family and Family Planning Matters

I was diagnosed May 22, 2015. My husband became abusive emotionally then physically and I kicked him out September 22, 2015. I have been unable to find some sort of support group with someone in a similar situation. I have had the support of my parents and children (23 & 13 y.o.) but losing the support of my spouse has been devastating. He and his entire family became hostile and blamed me for the estrangement and withdrew themselves completely from my life while badmouthing me to all of our mutual friends. The result was my husband, his family and children (15 & 17 y.o.) and our mutual friends walking away and never checking on me or my health again. I have felt so very alone. Once I lost my job, my friends one by one fell away. It is very lonely and heartbreaking. I appreciate my family and children's support, but I still feel so hollow inside.

Is there anyone else out there like me? My other breast cancer internet friends empathize but don't really understand the complete loneliness of losing nearly everyone in your life in less than a year. Please let me know if you are out there.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited May 2016

    Dear nifmom, We are so sorry to hear about your situation. We are glad that you reached out here. It may take a bit of a search but we think you may be able to link to others who have experienced a similar story. You might consider using the search function on the blue tool bar to your left. You and type in the words "husband abuse" or "husband divorce" and find other posts from women whose stories may not be exactly the same but who can related to the isolation that you are dealing with. Let us know if you need help navigating here. Stay connected. Keep us posted. The Mods

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  • myra104
    myra104 Member Posts: 102
    edited May 2016

    just want to send some love huny😘 Saying some prayers for you to find help! Here in my city we have many support groups, Team Tony Foundation is made of survivors who help survivors. Xoxo

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  • debiann
    debiann Member Posts: 1,200
    edited May 2016

    Twenty years ago, after 13 years of marriage, I left my spouse because he was an emotionally abusive alcoholic. While I didn't miss him at all, his friends we're my friends. I was very close to his sister and mother. I was godmother to his niece and nephew and had them all the time. But I knew that there was no way he was going to tolerate his friends and family associating with me after the split, so I was pro-active, I left them.

    The week we split I phoned each one individually and said that I would miss them very much, but I didn't want to put them in a position of choosing sides, so I didn't expect to hear from them anymore and there would be no hard feelings. I said that while I was very angry with my ex, he had his own problems and he needed his friends and family to stand by his side, while I had my family to stand by me. And that was the end of it. I never heard from them again. My kids would tell me that the women would ask about me or say, "tell your mother I said hi", but that was it. I lost my friends, family and home all in one week. I understand, somewhat. Your situation is different of course because you also have an illness to deal with at the same time. My heart goes out to you, but I do know what it's like to suddenly not have someone to call when you need to talk or want someone to shop with or see a movie.

    I'm assuming there were marital problems before the dx and cancer just brought it all to a head. There will be a period of grief and uncertainty, but hopefully, you'll one day find that what lies ahead is even better than what you left behind.

    As far as his family and friends go, don't be bitter. They are in a difficult situation. Let go of them. Resentment is not positive and you need all the positive energy you can find. Focus on the ones who stand by you now and look for opportunities to make new friends. You may want to even try re-connecting with old friends from your past through facebook or other social media. My gf just found her old college boyfriend after 32 years and married him. Life is full of surprises, some splendid and some devastating.

    As for your fair-weather friends who didn't stand by you when the chips were down, that seems to be a common complaint among most of us here on the forum.... "I got cancer and my friends disappeared!" I don't know why, but it happens and there are plenty of threads on this forum to attest to that. Accept it for what it is, some weird flaw in human nature, not your choice, not your fault, just the way it is.

    We are here for you. We understand. Lean on us. Seek a local support group or professional help if you are feeling "stuck". I wish you the best in your efforts to move forward.



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  • trish1314
    trish1314 Member Posts: 50
    edited May 2016

    Pretty much exactly what I have been and am going through right now! Literally sit crying all day and having overwhelming anxiety attacks! Soon my children and I will be homeless.

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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited May 2016

    Good Lord what a piece of work your husbands were and a heck of a time to find out they aren't the guys you thought you married. So much for the sickness and in health vow. I'm so sorry for all of you. You deserve a lot better.
    While I didn't have the desertion issue I have a friend who did. We were flabbergasted at her husband's total lack of support. They divorced. She is many years out from her DX and her children are grown and she is doing okay on her own. The children have emotional scars like she does but they are thriving now. It will take time and I know it's the last thing you need esp with dealing with your DX but you will get through this.
    I found a support group through my church. There are a lot of them here through the women's clinics and hospitals. I even had a patient advocate.
    It is beyond my realm of understanding how people who claim they care but are nowhere to be found when that compassion is put to the test but we all have probably experienced a friend or relative who made themselves scarce when you needed them the most. I think some people look at us like we have leprosy. It's as if it's our fault somehow. Crazy and sad.
    Lean on these ladies. I have from the onset. It's been my lifeline and I'm almost 5 years out. We have become BC sisters and some of us have actually met offsite.
    So keep the faith and keep us posted.

    Diane

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  • trish1314
    trish1314 Member Posts: 50
    edited May 2016

    Oh my gosh yes I feel as if people act like I am at fault somehow because I got bc. My husband actually said I deserve it. And other people act as if I'm contagious. I have told people don't worry you won't catch it by being around me. I met a girl who is in recovery and is involved in the relay of life and I just found out that she is actually involved with my husband. I couldn't understand why she quit talking to me but bam I got totally blindsided yesterday when he told me himself that they are involved. I had turned to her a few times over the past months for support and advice, also I talk to her about the abuse and she told me to call domestic violence on him. Now she is banging him, freaking awesome!

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  • Capermom
    Capermom Member Posts: 39
    edited May 2016

    wow that's a lot to.handle at once.I'm. Sorry you are.going through this. I have just begun reading this book and it has kept me sane whir waiting to.be diagnosed. I know it can help you.Wishing you less stress!💛💜💚💙

    image

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  • jenn32214
    jenn32214 Member Posts: 89
    edited June 2016

    "I wish I could offer support and the promise that it will get better but all I can offer is empathy. My advice to young women and mothers, never give up your life and career for a man. The financial devastation is far reaching even years later."

    That's for sure. i have a 17 year old daughter who I am helping apply for college and I have as much as told her I will chain her to her desk to get her four year degree before she even thinks about getting married etc. I've seen too many bad stories along these lines, even before my own BC and joining this forum

    The details are somewhat different, but I think I am a similar boat. My ex went thru a pretty significant Mid life crisis starting about three years ago, and is addicted to pot and porn. He also has a much younger girlfriend living with him who is so messed up herself I'm doing my best to keep our kids away from her. Which means he always comes to the house to spend time with the kids. I have absolutely no other family around to help me, and my few friends are pretty busy with their own lives. Yes, my ex is still being good about financial and practical support, but that always feels like a double edged sword. And since my BC I'm even more dependent on his help than I want to be. My bagaboo statements these days are, "It could be worse" or "Be grateful your ex is still helping and supporting you"

    So when it comes to "but don't really understand the complete loneliness of losing nearly everyone in your life.." I get it.

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  • gardengypsy
    gardengypsy Member Posts: 769
    edited June 2016

    Bosom Blues,

    You've got it, lady. Men who are not contributing to our health, happiness and safety need to get the heck out.


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  • Mypuppyamy2004
    Mypuppyamy2004 Member Posts: 1
    edited May 2018

    I am so sorry to hear of your situation and your letter has helped me know That I am not alone. My husband of 36 Years cursed me out and walked out the door on me at the moment I was diagnosed. He came back a few hours later. Today is the 2 year anniversary of my diagnosis and I have been verbally and emotionally abused for two Yeard. He blames me for my cancer because I am not a vegetarian. He insists on going to all my doctor appointments and runs to see what I weigh when they put me on the scale and then he monopolizes my appointment by trying to get the doctor to say that I got cancer because I am fat and I eat meat. My doctors are very sick of him, he treats me even worse at home. I am so disappointed. I am currently reaching out for help, I don't know how this will all turn out, and I am so glad to find this wonderful group of courageous ladies. Thank you for being here for me.

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  • Moderators
    Moderators Member Posts: 25,912
    edited May 2018

    Mypuppyamy2004-

    Oh, we are so sorry for what you're going through :( We're glad you're here, and hope you find support through this. It's so good you're reaching out for help, no one deserves to be treated that way, cancer or not. Please keep us posted, and use these boards as your support system.

    The Mods

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  • Meow13
    Meow13 Member Posts: 4,859
    edited May 2018

    Mypuppy, sorry to hear your trouble, this is year 36 for me with my husband. I kind have the opposite my husband caused me so much stress with verbal abuse before my diagnosis after he became much better. I think my husband was the cause of my cancer. Hopefully, he will wake up and realize he needs to support you not drive you crazy.

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  • edwards750
    edwards750 Member Posts: 3,761
    edited May 2018

    OMG what is wrong with your husband? His behavior is beyond despicable and unforgivable. So much for the wedding vows of “in sickness and in health”.

    You do deserve better. Much better. You don’t need anymore stress. If your husband can’t support you he needs to leave.

    My husband doesn’t say much because he is a quiet laid back kind of guy but he was there for me from start to finish in the process and still is. We both have had medical issues so wework extra hard supporting each other.

    To say you are to blame is outrageous and ludicrous. None of us are. We just drew the unlucky card.

    Best of luck to you. Keep the faith.

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  • sarahlee111
    sarahlee111 Member Posts: 7
    edited June 2018

    That's really sad for what you're going through. Good wishes. Take care of yourself..

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  • waytooanxiousmommy
    waytooanxiousmommy Member Posts: 144
    edited June 2018

    Hello. You need to build a community of support around yourself. I am divorced and all my immediate family lives overseas. I have used the following resources

    - I attend group therapy and am close with people in my group

    - I attend a cancer support group. This is nice but I'm not super close to people in it

    - I attend ACOA and Al Anon 12 steps groups. Al Anon has been super helpful, just replace alcoholic with cancer and the readings and everything bring a lot of peace and I have found some good freinds

    If you are religious you could join a church. Please don't be alone when you have cancer. You deserve love and support

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