I'm depressed and I want to stop treatment and surgery

Dear Trish - We are so sorry that you are having such a rough time and we wanted to let you know that you're not alone, many many women in these forums have been where you are right now.

Please take a look at the information on our site about depression, and consider talking to your doctor about what you are experiencing. Maybe some therapy can help you to move through this tough time.

Keep us posted and keep sharing here what you're feeling, we know it is hard to do it alone!

HUGS!

The Mods

Trish, it is depressing to go through this. In my mind my depression comes from physically looking and feeling worse during treatment. At the time of diagnosis, I felt great no problems.

I stopped my treatment and I feel worse actually. I thought when I stopped hormone therapy I would feel better.

As far as the extensive surgery I had, I feel more discomfort with my reconstruction everyday it seems like. At night I get nerve pain and tingling disturbing my sleep.

I am not giving up, I will try more exercise and working through the discomfort.

Trish, hang in, there are many of us that feel like you. I am so sick of the upbeat attitude everyone thinks we should have.

Anti depression meds help but don't beat yourself if you need a break from all the bc crap.

Dear Trish,

I think the hardest part of the treatment was in the middle of the chemo. After the middle you get closer and closer to the end of it, and in the beginning it is still early, but in the middle it feels like you are under water and you can't breathe. So hang on. Take one day at a time. I remember feeling like it was too much and I couldn't see the end of all the treatments I had scheduled. I also had to go abroad alone for part of my treatment. It all felt overwhelming and impossible to deal with. I was advised to just tackle the next milestone - say the next chemo session. I was asked - do you think you can handle that and forget about the rest for now? And I felt I could cope with just one thing at a time. It worked for me.  Get support and help from whoever you can. Spend time relaxing, and time doing something you enjoy. Pamper yourself with cream and lotion, and make-up, and do things you like. Watching nature might help, and even exercise will give you a boost - now I know during chemo you feel like you can't get out of bed - but if you do manage to go for a short walk you will feel so much better, even though you'll be walking at snail pace. (I used to make compromises - for example if washing felt too much that day, I'd dress up without washing, or with just sponging myself at the bathroom sink). If you just can't and you feel down - just remember that it is OK to feel down. We are always thinking that we have to be up and happy - but that is unrealistic. Have you ever seen a dog or cat get withdrawn when they are unwell. It's OK to feel that way. It's natural.

Continue reaching out. Let people around you know how you feel. You will get more support that way. Find a helpline or a support group or go to your therapist. Your life is worth it. You are precious. And if your life was crap before cancer - this could be your opportunity to turn a new leaf and make it worthwhile to you.

A big hug. It'll get better. Just hang on a bit more. Just think of the next chemo. You can get through that surely. Feel free to write how you feel and vent it off here. We know what it means.

XXX

Trish, listen to me, I felt totally like a worthless unattractive female at the thought of mastectomy. My God it was such an emotional hit, but if I only knew how good reconstruction would be, I wouldn't have given it another thought. Plastic surgeons can really fix it! I do feel however the adjustment of reconstruction but at least it looks good.

I used to dream about my American express card and driving to the airport and booking a flight to bananaland.

oh yes it will. Bill Clinton passed a law that states insurance MUST cover reconstruction for bc patients. And it is a life long deal for "fix" ups.

trish, I don't think it's uncommon to feel the way you do. Some people have PTSD due to cancer and other health conditions. I think most of us have had the dark cloud hanging over us to some extreme after DX. Like others have said, reach out for support. The American Cancer Society or a social worker at your medical facility may have resources for you. Behavioral therapy, journalling, support groups may help. Wishing you well. It makes me sad to read your posts. Please get some help sooner than later.

Does your doctor's office have a social health care worker? Unfortunately, my medical insurance wouldn't pay for the emotional help but some do. I would apply for any kind of social welfare you can.

I am hoping some of our BCO sisters can help point you to services. If you left this husband could you qualify for more assistance? Can anyone help Trish out?

DeniseKendal-

Welcome to BCO! And thank you so much for your kind words of support here. It's so comforting to hear from others who've been down this road. Congrats on the completion of your treatment!

The Mods

Wow Trish. So sorry to hear. Any way you and your kids can go live with your dad or any fam member? I think even a women's shelter would be much better than where you are now. I know there are churches where very kind souls reach out to help people in need. I would check into women's shelters and churches, pastors---anyone.

I would tell the people who are giving you tx your story. You never know if someone doesn't know something/someone to help you out.

trish, if it's any help, the ACS has a program called "Road to Recovery", that provides a free ride to Dr appts. I know you really don't need that, but at least you wouldn't have to sit through your appts with someone that is non-supportive....and it might make him realize that you don't have to depend solely on him. Just an idea.

http://www.indianalegalservices.org/

Is anyone in his fam good? Maybe one of them can help somehow?