Showing scars to kids?

Really great question, and we are interested in what others have decided. Naturally so much depends on the openness in your home, and how the kids react to things. It may also depend on whether or not you ultimately opt for reconstruction. Looking forward to hear how others have dealt with this issue.

I'm kind of amazed that this question hasn't been asked before. It's a very good one. As Kicks says, the problem with young children is that conceptually, it might be very hard for them to understand what they're seeing, and it could be upsetting. I was always that mom who thought no subject was off-limits for questions, and I certainly would be giving your kids some sort of age-appropriate explanation for what you're going through. Maybe you could say that you're going to be private with your body for a while because you're still getting better (whatever you've told the kids about the surgery), but you have scars that look like bad boo-boos....something like that. I remember those logistics with small kids; there is always the chance that they'll see something accidentally, so you'd want to lay the groundwork should they get a peek.

But I think that as long as you're still making the decision about recon, it might make sense to hold off showing them, so you can contextualize things for the kids when you do make a decision. I remember the age of your daughter, especially, as a time when reality still hadn't quite settled. (I vaguely recall an argument with my DS about whether I had a penis, and he insisted, all evidence to the contrary, that I did.) So to add something that looks like a wound to the mix could be upsetting and even threatening. Maybe let the scars heal, decide about recon, and eventually you'll know when you've made a decision? You also don't say whether you're having further treatment; could that influence your decision about what to tell the children?

Good luck to you; I'm sure you're a wonderful mother and will make the decision that's right for you!

I just wanted to add that I think that you are reaching out for ideas. None of us can give you the 'correct' answer(s) for you and your beloved Son and Daughter. When the time comes - you will be able to give them what they (and you) need.

I saw my mom in the tub when I was four after she had a bmx. Can't say it upset me. It just was. However it is among the handful of memories I have of my mother.

My kids have seen my scars. Usually as I am changing clothes or something. It was a non-issue for them. No questions asked. They came to see me in the hospital after my surgery and I explained to the older two about how my doctor was removing the parts of me that were making me sick.

My granddaughters were ages 3 and 7 at the time of my double mastectomy. They knew I was going to have surgery and that I had to have my "boobies" taken off. I have reconstruction, no nipples. They saw me almost daily during healing, saw the drains etc. They want to be everywhere I am almost every second when they stay over, and they eventually saw me changing clothes. I remember thinking, "do I let them see that I look different now?", made the choice to be casual about it, reminding them, "You know I had surgery, right?" They were not upset, just curious, and moved on to the next topic. Kids take their cue from us, they are ok if we are ok. That is my experience. My best to you of course!

I had a bmx no nipple on right side and with reconstruction much bigger than my natural breasts. My son was 6 and mostly curious about my after surgery looks. At first I thought best not to show him. Up till then I had been fairly open about nakedness. When he did see he had a few questions and he didn't think it was as bad as he imagined. Now it is just normal. He still comes out with questions and concerns relating to all things cancer. I talk openly and honestly and appropriate for how he processes the info. Its not easy and I never anticipated these types of talks. But I know it helps both of us. Trust your instincts ((hugs))

I hope this will make you smile in difficult times. I live alone with my daughter who was 5 when I had my surgery. Like you I have always been relaxed about her seeing me in the shower and she was very inquisitive to see what I looked like after surgery. After a week or two of healing with my heart in my mouth I let her see. Long pause. 'I'm not upset mum...you know, I was thinking, if you painted green goo coming out you could go like that for Halloween.' Gee thanks - but so much better than I was expecting, couldn't not laugh. Kids are amazing and I find as I'm sure you do that what really upsets them is ones own fear and suffering. If we are calm and coping, they are. Good luck xx

I just found this thread. But my kids are the same age as yours. I had my double mastectomy with reconstruction (expanders) on Dec. 14. My kids were 6 (boy) and 4 (girl) at the time. My son has no interest and hasn't asked much of anything other than if I'm still sick. My daughter has been interested in all things medical since she could talk. She wants to see EVERYTHING. I was fortunate to have my mom here helping after surgery and she would strip my drains twice a day. My daughter wanted to be very involved and called the drains my "pipes". Haha! I just presented everything in a very matter of fact way and did not make a big deal out of it. My scars are pretty severe. The doctor was not able to spare my nipples so I have scars right across each "breast". My daughter looked and wanted to know when the "dirt" would come off. She thought the scabs looked dirty.

My thought was that it was scarier to hide it. If she wants to see it and I can talk about it and let her ask questions, then that's what she needs. But it's a very different answer for every family and every mom and every cancer patient and every child. Even my kids are like that. One was very curious and one still has no idea what my surgery really was.

So I have a 9 year old boy and a 3 year old girl. My son has not seen scar. He's old enough that I don't allow him to see me naked, and he's never asked. He knew I had cancer and surgery, and all he cares about is that I am well now.

For my daughter it was different. I couldn't pick her up for a while. I couldn't lift her in and out of the tub, or the car seat, she had to lay on my "good side" in the rockng chair, i couldnt lift her on the change table (she trained late). She was also used barging in on me. I found it much easier to explain that I had "broken cells" and that I had to take the broken cells out. That I had a big boo boo that had to heal, which is why I couldn't do those things with her. It was much better for her to see the "boo boo" to understand. It had way more impact on her life than my son's life.

I will be honest and say that in general my older child, who could ask questions, handled it much better than my little child who only understood so much.

I also gave them something to look forward to. We are going to Disney when I get my port out. My daughter holds onto this. Hugs.

I showed my 4 year old son my "boobies" turned "boo-boos" (as we jokingly called them) a few days after my PBMX. I'm flat with no reconstruction and 2 diagonal 8-inch scars in a v shape. He'd seen me before the surgery, getting dressed and so on, and so I didn't want to weird him out by hiding them because he might think something was wrong or scary. When I was still wearing the surgical bra with those huge hospital pads and drains, he asked if I'd show him. I described how the steristrip bandaids looked underneath the pads, and how I had a large purple booboo under each and mentioned the drain entry points (which he'd already seen the ends of clipped to my shirts). Then I just matter of fact opened up the velcro surgical bra, pulled off the pads to change them, and showed him.

I think how a younger child takes it, depends entirely on how the patient does. If you are calm about it, so will they react. If you are scared or disgusted, they may feel that way too. If I had a 13 year old daughter I might have felt differently. But with my 4 year old son, I was sort of "well, here they are. Neat, huh?" And he was like "oh, those are big boo boos. Do they hurt?" And I said, "a little, but I'll be ok. They look worse then they feel." And then we went on and played or read or whatever. Knowing what I had done also allowed him to be very helpful, picking up things or reaching for me, climbing into my lap knowing I couldn't pick him up for several weeks, etc.

During my recovery, I'd let him see too, after the steristrips fell off, and as the angry purple lines turned red, then faded to pink, and now white. I wanted to see that I'm all healed: the booboos are gone. Now he's not phased by or scared by my chest at all. It is what it is and who I am, and I'm proud of them.