I think my marriage is over

First, I want to thank you all for your help and advice. I do appreciate it all.

I was originally dx in 2009 and then had a reoccurrence in 2014. So now I am considered stage 4 and will be in treatment for life. So this is really hard for me and all of us to accept.

My children are 9&10 and both of their teachers agree that they are wise beyond their years. Every teacher they have had told me that they enjoy having conversations about the books they are reading in class because they both bring to the table a different perspective on what they read. Much more mature than the other kids in their classes. So I really take offense to the comment regarding my children and me talking negatively about their father behind his back. My kids have heard enough throughout the last couple of months and in all honesty the last 2 years to know what is going on without any coaching from me. In fact, I have never bad mouthed my husband to either of them, I do the complete opposite and tell them this is on me. And they know this woman, they have seen her many times and they themselves at the last party they saw her asked me why daddy is hanging out with her so much and not me. This was before any of the fighting started.

As far as him getting another job, that option has been brought up and it just isn't feasible. For him to switch jobs would mean uprooting us to another state. That will not happen, between his elderly parents and mine, we are somewhat tied to where we are.

My violent outburst was a first. I am a yogi. I practice yoga and meditation regularly. I am usually the peace keeper in situations and try to find the silver lining in everything. So this outburst was completely out of character for me. In fact, when we (husband and I) spoke about it afterwards, he was just as shocked as me with it.

I NEVER drink more than 2 glasses of wine. I am a lightweight. I cannot drink more without falling asleep. He kept topping off my glass and I had no idea how much I really drank. For all I know I had 3 glasses and that extra glass is what pushed me over the edge.

I saw my therapist today. I told her everything, no reason to hold back to the person trying to help me. I told her I think I am losing my mind because this whole thing is not like me at all. She agreed. She also made me realize that the day this happened, he stood me up at my friend's wake. He had gone easier and didn't bother to tell me. I was upset for several reasons. My friend's moms wake was very stressful for me and brought up a lot of feelings. She told me that I am great at compartmentalizing my feelings and shelving everything until I can deal with it. This is something I shelved for 2 years. 2 years of ignoring what was going on in front of me because I was too busy fighting for my life. 2 years of focusing on keeping a "normal" life going for my kids so that they wouldn't be afraid. I had bigger issues to deal with and I dealt with them. Now I am dealing with the smaller things. And this is small in comparison.

She is a symptom, not the problem. The problem is that he felt it was ok to behave this way with this woman. He thought I was ok with all of this because I didn't say anything while I was in active treatment (chemo, radiation, surgery) Now that I am only on targeted therapies, it is easier to deal with all the issues I had to ignore.

What I think I needed to hear him say is that he is sorry and finally understands why this all bothers me. He finally admitted his actions with her were insensitive and he should have never allowed their friendship to evolve into what it became. He took responsibility. I needed him to man up and say he screwed up.

I would have never checked his phone if he wasn't constantly texting with her. If she hadn't been texting him when she knew we were on vacation. If he hadn't been texting her while we were at a family party.

At this point, the way I feel today, I don't care if she transfers or stays working for him. I need to focus on me and my family. And what is best for all of us.

thanks ladies, no need to apologize, I know everything came from a good and well meaning place.

I never had an issue with any of his female friends, just the opposite. Every female friend he made at work at one time or another had been welcomed into my home and my life. I say friend from work because that is honestly the only place he makes friends on his own. Other than that they are all mutual friends. As a mater of fact, I am very good friends with a woman he "mentored" a few years ago. I had spoken to her somewhat about this current situation. She doesn't know details and she doesn't know I am bothered by any of it but she agreed, this was not his normal behavior. I am not the jealous type.

I hate that my kids are aware of any of this. I thought they were clueless, but they sensed dads odd behavior long before I said anything. I grew up with parents fighting all the time, the last thing I wanted was for them to grow up with it. Even the small fights, I never raised my voice in front of them.

Molly, I am so sorry you had to go through this along with your son's diagnosis. I can't even imagine how hard that was on you. In the last few discussions I had with him, he finally admitted the "truth" and that is what I needed to hear from him. Once he came out and said what I have been saying all along without the denials and deflecting, I think I was able to let go. I haven't brought it up in the last few days, typically Friday nights is when the fireworks were going off. I needed him to see what I was seeing and to understand how hurtful his actions have been.

He cannot control her working for him. He made that happen. Now all we can do is wait for her to move forward on and with her career. I know that when she transfers, she will start the texting again to make sure he doesn't forget about her if a position comes up in his or one of his friends depts. I told him I will be ok with that as long as his responses to her are the same as the responses he gives to his other friends looking to transfer, which is, yes, I know you want to move as soon as I hear of something I will let you know. He should have that as an automatic response in his texts, lol.

After last weekend's outburst, on both of our parts, he has been more loving and trying harder than ever to make me feel like I am the most important person in the world. We are slowly moving towards the partnership we once had. Baby steps, but I feel like we both are finally on the same page once again.

I still regret my children becoming involved, but maybe that is what it took. Their innocent view on what was going on made us both realize how childish we have become.

For now, I will not go to his office for any reason. I needed to drop off his suit which he forgot to take with him, so I told him to meet me on the corner. He wanted me to come in, but I just said it is better I don't. I haven't asked about his day at work, other than, how was your day? No probing questions. I told him i am going to sign up for some adult ed classes just to keep myself busy and my mind focused on other things. I need to go back to the gym, finally got the approval from my BS ( had recent surgery and she told me to take it easy for a couple months). I think when all this falls into place, we will both be in a better place mentally and physically. I need to go back to my former life.

His former colleague which he helped get into a position much higher than his said that it is typical for stupid younger women to play this game in their workplace. She said if she had played this game, she would have risen to her current position much sooner, but she would not have been respected by anyone. She is proud of how she came to be and she is grateful for all the help my husband had given her. Women like this that he has befriended make me proud of his choice of friends. So, you see, I am not afraid of him having female friends. I love this part of him that wants to level out the playing field for women. He just needs to know that not all of these women look out for his best interests and that they don't care about how their behavior will effect him or his family.

DiveneMrsM, you give me hope and encouragement that we will get through this.

Up until now, we have spoiled our children and they have never seen or heard us fight. I think 10 years is a long time to not raise our voices in front of them. I think they need to see that life isn't always happy and go lucky, people argue and get mad and know how to make up and move forward. Up till now they have had an unrealistic view of the world. The world isn't perfect. Even with BC, I have tried to shield them as much as humanly possible.

We are trying. A couple of weeks ago if he had hung up on me because someone walked into his office, I would have been suspicious. Just now he hung up because he had a visitor and I really don't care who it is. I have made it very clear that I will not tolerate her being in our lives and I want to believe he is on the same page.

Feel like a broken record with all the ups and downs I have been experiencing lately. We talked and came to some conclusions. He agreed he has been an ass. He claimed he didn't realize how disrespectful he has been acting toward me. He apologized. We talked some more and are trying to give this one more shot before making any life altering decisions. So, we have been getting along well. He rec'd a new phone from work and I thought he wouldn't give me the passcode, but the day he came home with it and showed me the new phone, he also showed me his passcode. That was a huge sign for me that he is being serious about moving forward. My therapist thinks that he is trying his best at moving forward and I need to cut him some slack. I need to let go and not be so hard on him and reminding him daily of his mess up. Another big sign to me that he is trying to work on this is that his colleagues were getting together for dinner last week. It was something they had been planning for weeks. I was not invited in the initial planning. When they confirmed their date, I said great because I had plans with my friends that evening. A couple days before that night, he called me from work and invited me to join them. So I explained I already had plans, he said that he would drop me off with my friends or tag along if I would allow it, but it was important to him that I join him. We had a lovely evening with his friends and then mine. His friends from work were all very pleasant and I got the impression that none of them are fond of the "other woman". Of course I didn't ask about her or mention her.

I am cautiously optimistic at this point in time. But I am willing to give it one more try. For the sake of my children, my mom and his mom.