Depression and Anger after treatment

YES, YES YES........you are like me, different and sensitive. 

I am four years on and have perfected the art of never looking at myself in a mirror naked as its like a punch in the gut still every time I do it.  I hate my lack of symmetry, I hate not being allowed to have recon when I wanted it at initial op (they lied to me abut my rights) and now I am on a never ending waiting list before they wil even begin the process, it will be at least 7 years as what I call being a freak before I can even get to recon.  I am limited in clothes I wear, I won´t swim in a public swimming pool, shower in a gym, go to a spa etc........for me its intensely personal and I hate not feeing normal.  I hate the fat I wilb e an object of discussion or people will look at me and know I am not like them, I don´t want to flash cleavage or strut around with nipples sticking out, I just want to feel balanced and ok in clothes and in myself.....and to not carry around a rock on my flat side, as that is how it feels post radiotherapy it is so tight, yes they radiated the mastectomy site and axilla...........

I get fed up with people who have never been in my position saying oh jsut stay flat, why have another surgery etc.....but they have no idea what it is like and it is not for me.........

Please be kind to yourself - you have every right to grieve your breasts, your lost body image, your lost body confidence, really everything you had before as nothing is the same now as you feel different.  They are finally recognising that survivorship needs support too, it is not an easy road and well documented that the year post treatment finishing is often tougher emotionally than the year of treatment - yes cáncer really is the "gift" that keeps on pooping on us!

xx

Ask at your breast care center/dr office if they can recommend a therapist who specializes in cancer. There are such people!!

I think Lily is in another country, their system is different than ours, but the feelings are the same.

Hello Janel,

Boy am I angry! And depressed! I had a bilateral mastectomy, chemo, 1st phase of reconstruction, radiotherapy, and recently 2nd phase of reconstruction. I look fine in clothes but like Frankenstein without. I have implants. I have two mounds. I can't call them breasts. They are just mounds. The first time I heard that term applied to reconstruction I felt it was offensive. But it is the correct term to use. I was hoping that with the exchange of the expanders to implants it would be more normal. It isin't. May be it is too early. I am told it takes months for the implants to take their proper shape. I also feel guilty that I don't like the way I look after the efforts my surgeons made for me. They seem satisfied with the result. I feel really bad that I can't get myself to appreciate the way I look. I also know that with time I end up accepting anything - I had gotten used to seeing myself after the mastectomy, and then with the ridiculous expanders - at the moment even those feel better to me than how I am looking now. Because it takes time to adapt.

I had terrible issues with my image - even because of my hair. I had always had long hair. I wore a wig with long hair during chemo. Eventually when my hair started growing I had to remove it. I felt so insecure, so different. I also lost a lot of weight. And since chemo I wear full make up every day. I look far better than I did before cancer, but after end of treatment I spent a couple of months where I would literally get a fright every time I looked in the mirror, or even just at my reflection in a shop window. I just could not recognise myself. And it happened several times every day. I got used to that. I took many selfies of me (Like a self-absorbed idiot), but it made me get used to seeing the new me. I miss my old me very much - the one that couldn't be bothered how I looked, or what others thought of me. I don't think I can ever be like that again.

I will eventually do nipple reconstruction. In the meantime I bought myself lovely nipple prostheses. I wore them with my expanders and they made me feel OK. By the end of my time with the expanders I was feeling 'at home' with them. Now I start all over again till I get used to the new shape of the implants. Everybody thinks I'm fine. I look good, so to them I must be good. What do I tell them? I hate this? I wish I could get my breast back? I can't. I feel I am a disappointment to my husband. I feel I have lost an essential part of me, of who I was. And yes, some of my friends do not understand why the fuss - to them it seems losing your breast to save your life is a simple thing. May be we are different, or may be they are not being honest and open.

My therapist tells me I need to grieve my losses. And I am allowing myself to grieve. For a number of months, particularly during treatment, I was extremely strong - for me and for everyone else. Until after treatment I felt numb, empty. I am now allowing myself to feel sad, to feel angry. Those feelings are appropriate for what we have passed through. May be not everyone goes through it with the same intensity, but if you do feel so intensely about it, what can you do? You can't suppress it. People tell you to accept it - but before you accept it you have to acknowledge the loss and all it has meant to you.

So its OK to feel the way you do, whatever it may be. We need to be true to ourselves and admit our feelings even though others don't want to hear them or cannot understand them. One day, hopefully not in the too distant future, we will come to terms with it in some way or another. 

I wish you the best of luck. And remember, you are not alone, though it sure can feel that way.

For anyone's who's had a bad/uncomfortable experience with a support group - please don't give up on it. There are a number of ways to deal with that and still get the benefits of such a group.

One is to speak up - either IN the group, if you feel comfortable doing that (and I'd bet you'd not be the only one thinking what you were) or else call the coordinator/facilitator of the group the next day and discuss your feelings with her. Believe, me, it really can make a HUGE difference.

If you don't like the group or the coordinator see if there's another one you can attend. I absolutely hated the one offered by my hospital but found that another nearby hospital had one that has been terrific for me - and they really don't care where you had/are having treatment; all are welcome.

This is all tough enough without having to reinvent the wheel on your own. You may never warm to the support group experience but please don't deprive yourself of that option unnecessarily.

Great topic. Thankyou