Depression and Anger after treatment

Janel15

Has anyone else struggled with anger and depression after chemo and reconstruction? I tried a support group - one lady was saying that losing her breasts was no big deal. Am I vain? It is a huge deal to me. I feel robbed. Needless to say, I did not go back. Has anyone else been through this? Ideas for dealing with it? I try to turn everything into a positive, find the silver lining or what I learned that made it worthwhile but really struggling with this one.

FYI I am not on tamoxifen or similar drug due to the depression. I have tried counseling which has helped some. I am also on Wellbutrin. I feel what is going on now is just that I can't let the whole awful experience go. I am struggling with body image due to the whole hair and fake breast thing. Had anyone else gone through this?

Lily55

YES, YES YES........you are like me, different and sensitive. 

I am four years on and have perfected the art of never looking at myself in a mirror naked as its like a punch in the gut still every time I do it.  I hate my lack of symmetry, I hate not being allowed to have recon when I wanted it at initial op (they lied to me abut my rights) and now I am on a never ending waiting list before they wil even begin the process, it will be at least 7 years as what I call being a freak before I can even get to recon.  I am limited in clothes I wear, I won´t swim in a public swimming pool, shower in a gym, go to a spa etc........for me its intensely personal and I hate not feeing normal.  I hate the fat I wilb e an object of discussion or people will look at me and know I am not like them, I don´t want to flash cleavage or strut around with nipples sticking out, I just want to feel balanced and ok in clothes and in myself.....and to not carry around a rock on my flat side, as that is how it feels post radiotherapy it is so tight, yes they radiated the mastectomy site and axilla...........

I get fed up with people who have never been in my position saying oh jsut stay flat, why have another surgery etc.....but they have no idea what it is like and it is not for me.........

Please be kind to yourself - you have every right to grieve your breasts, your lost body image, your lost body confidence, really everything you had before as nothing is the same now as you feel different.  They are finally recognising that survivorship needs support too, it is not an easy road and well documented that the year post treatment finishing is often tougher emotionally than the year of treatment - yes cáncer really is the "gift" that keeps on pooping on us!

xx

Janel15

Thank you so much for your post. I love what you said about the "gift" of cancer continuing to poop on us. I was lucky to get the reconstruction right away but did not realize how much I would feel like Frankenstein - and look like Frankenstein. I didn't get nipple reconstruction but did get the tattoos for nipples. I have not changed in front of anyone except my husband. And to have anyone touch them - I don't have normal sensation there and all I can think is that these things are not real. I haven't went to the gym because I don't want anyone to see the fake Frankenstein boobs in the locker room.

So sorry that you are having to wait. Sucks. Thank you for the idea to be kind to yourself. Someone told me to give up on perfection. Not the easiest thing to do. It feels like there was a life before and a totally different life now. Hate this. Those who have been through this several years in the past all tell me that it gets easier and that the awful things become okay and sometime even things you can laugh about. Hope they are right.

Spookiesmom

Ask at your breast care center/dr office if they can recommend a therapist who specializes in cancer. There are such people!!

I think Lily is in another country, their system is different than ours, but the feelings are the same.

Janel15

Thank you for the advice, Spookiesmom. Already did that over a year ago and honestly, my therapist has been more effective than the one that "specialized in cancer."

Peppin

Hello Janel,

Boy am I angry! And depressed! I had a bilateral mastectomy, chemo, 1st phase of reconstruction, radiotherapy, and recently 2nd phase of reconstruction. I look fine in clothes but like Frankenstein without. I have implants. I have two mounds. I can't call them breasts. They are just mounds. The first time I heard that term applied to reconstruction I felt it was offensive. But it is the correct term to use. I was hoping that with the exchange of the expanders to implants it would be more normal. It isin't. May be it is too early. I am told it takes months for the implants to take their proper shape. I also feel guilty that I don't like the way I look after the efforts my surgeons made for me. They seem satisfied with the result. I feel really bad that I can't get myself to appreciate the way I look. I also know that with time I end up accepting anything - I had gotten used to seeing myself after the mastectomy, and then with the ridiculous expanders - at the moment even those feel better to me than how I am looking now. Because it takes time to adapt.

I had terrible issues with my image - even because of my hair. I had always had long hair. I wore a wig with long hair during chemo. Eventually when my hair started growing I had to remove it. I felt so insecure, so different. I also lost a lot of weight. And since chemo I wear full make up every day. I look far better than I did before cancer, but after end of treatment I spent a couple of months where I would literally get a fright every time I looked in the mirror, or even just at my reflection in a shop window. I just could not recognise myself. And it happened several times every day. I got used to that. I took many selfies of me (Like a self-absorbed idiot), but it made me get used to seeing the new me. I miss my old me very much - the one that couldn't be bothered how I looked, or what others thought of me. I don't think I can ever be like that again.

I will eventually do nipple reconstruction. In the meantime I bought myself lovely nipple prostheses. I wore them with my expanders and they made me feel OK. By the end of my time with the expanders I was feeling 'at home' with them. Now I start all over again till I get used to the new shape of the implants. Everybody thinks I'm fine. I look good, so to them I must be good. What do I tell them? I hate this? I wish I could get my breast back? I can't. I feel I am a disappointment to my husband. I feel I have lost an essential part of me, of who I was. And yes, some of my friends do not understand why the fuss - to them it seems losing your breast to save your life is a simple thing. May be we are different, or may be they are not being honest and open.

My therapist tells me I need to grieve my losses. And I am allowing myself to grieve. For a number of months, particularly during treatment, I was extremely strong - for me and for everyone else. Until after treatment I felt numb, empty. I am now allowing myself to feel sad, to feel angry. Those feelings are appropriate for what we have passed through. May be not everyone goes through it with the same intensity, but if you do feel so intensely about it, what can you do? You can't suppress it. People tell you to accept it - but before you accept it you have to acknowledge the loss and all it has meant to you.

So its OK to feel the way you do, whatever it may be. We need to be true to ourselves and admit our feelings even though others don't want to hear them or cannot understand them. One day, hopefully not in the too distant future, we will come to terms with it in some way or another. 

I wish you the best of luck. And remember, you are not alone, though it sure can feel that way.

Moderators

This is honestly a really terrific, and honest discussion going on here. We really appreciate you all being so open, and transparent. It is certainly helpful to hear that this is a normal experience, for many.

So, what would you all say has been most helpful? The permission to grieve the loss, the help of antidepressants, talking with a therapist? All of the above?

Let's throw out a bunch of insights to help!

Hopeful82014

For anyone's who's had a bad/uncomfortable experience with a support group - please don't give up on it. There are a number of ways to deal with that and still get the benefits of such a group.

One is to speak up - either IN the group, if you feel comfortable doing that (and I'd bet you'd not be the only one thinking what you were) or else call the coordinator/facilitator of the group the next day and discuss your feelings with her. Believe, me, it really can make a HUGE difference.

If you don't like the group or the coordinator see if there's another one you can attend. I absolutely hated the one offered by my hospital but found that another nearby hospital had one that has been terrific for me - and they really don't care where you had/are having treatment; all are welcome.

This is all tough enough without having to reinvent the wheel on your own. You may never warm to the support group experience but please don't deprive yourself of that option unnecessarily.

Bcky

I am on Effexor and have been for the last two years. I stopped briefly due to monetary issues. I am also on Gabapentin. I felt severely depressed and angry just like I do now but I could not contain it as easily off Effexor. The Effexor makes my emotions manageable.I used to not care during BC treatment if I died in my sleep. Now I have a full time job and want to stay alive someday's. I have been on a specifically tailored vitamin and natural thyroid supplement program from my Naturopath that has really helped my energy levels.

I really loved my BC Group until the end. The end was when a gal with IBC suggested I stop going to the group so that the Councilor- Psychologist of the group could go. The Councilor/Psychologist had a reccurance with mets. The guise or reason was she could not attend on the present night we were meeting.I agreed and found out later that the Councilor never went to the BC group as just a member and the night of meeting was changed so that I could not go due to my work schedule. I felt betrayed and hurt.

Because I am a rez girl (enrolled Native) I had a classic family life history of suicide/ alcoholism/ domestic violence/ child custody issues/poverty etc. You name it. I was exhausted from Trauma after Trauma before the Trauma of BC. I am certain my life made the other women uncomfortable. Despite my age plus 9 years of college(2 college degrees); Despite my published art work. Despite years of therapy and a decent wage/career....alongside no longer experiencing those traumas I could see the other women led lives of ease compartivley speaking. My two best BC friends in that group passed away from BC reccurence. One was a judge that presided in the prison my present Native boyfriend stayed a long while at for repeated DUI. He also has a college degree. The Councilor /psychologist of the group passed away too. She was a bestie BC friend. Of course the IBC lady asked me to leave the group when the Coucilor psychologist was not there.

I felt betrayed and lost when I needed that group most. Yet the two gals that fended for me and who were my friends passed away and it is no longer important to be in that group. I will never forget the betrayal and the reality that I learned that "off the rez" people don't get the level of strife/stress and familial trauma that natives go through. I think they were perplexed as to the unfairness of it all. Natives accept levels of unfairness that ordinary folk find stunningly unjust. I need a BC Support Group and try to attend the Cancer Writers group at the Cancer Hospital. Yet I find there are a few women there that judge me. So I don't go. It's the half witted snide comments that are devastating.

As much as I need the support it is not worth the judgement and curiosity. I do have another bestie from BC world and we talk two hours a week by phone. She has literally saved my life and doesn't know it. I have been invited back to that BC Support Group and frankly I cannot hear or deal with any of that kind of judgmental thing anymore. I moved far from the rez to better my life many many years ago only to find out after all this college and money and therapy yata yata that I am still judged just as severely as when I had a GED and lived on the rez. I think it is ignorance and don't understand how in 2017 people are so ignorant about Natives but they are. So for all the folk that say "why don't those Indians leave the rez and better themselves?" The answer is clear. We don't fit in. People really don't understand and we are judged harshly.

I have ranted enough but I do wonder how many Native ladies are falling through the cracks of BC Support if they don't live on the rez. Effexor is a drug I am told I will need the remainder of my life. It helps but is not the Solution. I do feel it if I forget a pill.

Bcky

Great topic. Thankyou

LoveLau

i got the swim prosthesis, very good to wear. After swimming dry them off and they are great for exercise, i wear them for all exercise, in fact i dont use the others cause these are so comfortable. I probably will get one size larger. I sweat alot and the back is wavy and air circulates. I wear a rash guard for sun protection and at first went without. Then my neighbor confessed that she realized in had surgery after seeing me like that. I began to think about how uncomfortable people at the beach would be seeing me, so i went to nordstroms and got a pair. I suggest you try it they will sew in the pockets for you for anything you might want to wear and they do a good job. Bless us all.