Son of mother diagnosed

HelpfulSon, you are dutiful and loving indeed. Just by accompanying your mom to her appointments you are being supportive and doing exactly what you need to do. (Had I been diagnosed at 53 and not 64, I don't know how my son--who’d have been only 20 at the time--would have handled it--he doesn't drive, and my husband works long and late hours as a cardiologist and can take very little time off).

Your mom is 53, and I assume intelligent and in full possession of her faculties. I know the temptation is strong to "knock on doors" for her and take charge of the logistics (including information) of her care; but you need to pick up on her cues and let her be her own advocate to the extent she wishes to be. Don't feel pressured to take charge unless she requests it or appears clearly unable to call the shots and ask the questions herself. She's still your mom--as the decades go by, roles may eventually shift--but be there to help her physically with transportation, errands, and whatever housework and such that she can't or shouldn't undertake until she regains her strength. The most important thing you can do is to just be there--whether to do things she can't or just plain listen when she needs to express her fears and frustrations....and then hug and cherish her.

You sound like a wonderful son, and you and your mom are obviously very close. But ChiSandy and Littleblue are right. I'm in the ballpark of your mom's age, and I went to nearly every appointment on my own. And I own my own business. The only time my husband came is when I had the pre surgical consult and obviously for the surgery. You and your wife need to talk to your mom and see what she's feeling, and find out where she really needs help. Odds are pretty good she can get herself to and from chemo, and if not, maybe that's where friends or the hospital social worker can help. You don't need to be there constantly, but maybe you could do a grocery shop once in a while, make sure she has some meals in the freezer from time to time? Find out how debilitating the chemo is likely to be. There's a huge difference in chemo types; some are really rough and others kinder.

Pace yourself: chemo is a marathon, not a sprint. Look after yourself. Don't forget about your wife and kids--and your business. Your mom already knows how great and supportive you are; start a conversation and find out what she really needs. If you feel as if the load is more than you can take, talk to a social worker at the hospital and see what resources they might have.

You are at the worst part right now, everything is an unknown. Chemo is quite do-able & while your mom will probably appreciate you being there with her, the worst days in the cycle are a couple of days after infusion, when she will be tired & feeling off. Food for me was a big deal during chemo, we would eat whatever sounded good to me at dinnertime, so we shopped at 5pm, alot!

A lot of women work during radiation with the centre being able to book the appt around your mom's timeline. You won't really need to go with her, you can if you want to, but you must think of your own family as well.

While my husband went with me to chemo, it was his choice, I didn't "need" him there, but I appreciated it. I went to all 6 weeks of my radiation by myself.

You have been given alot of good information here. Take your cues from your mom, obviously she is a strong woman & you are a good son. You will get through this with her. GG

I agree with everything the ladies have said to you in the previous posts. Right now is the most overwhelming time when everything is so new and your whole family is still reeling from the cancer diagnosis. With time, that will settle somewhat. I only have one thing to add, if your wife and mother get along well, it would make the situation more manageable for your mother to move in with you if it gets to the point where she does need more help during chemo and surgery. My husbands mother is a widow. She went through a medical issue that required her to have help. We had 2 young children at the time and we both had full time jobs. We had her move in with us during that period of time, it's easier to move her than to move the children, and my husband and I worked out our schedules so someone could be home with her while the other was working. Talk to your wife and see if she would be willing to make it a family effort to get your mom through this. As many have said, your mom will be able to do a lot of it on her own, but for the part she can't, I'm sure she feels blessed to have you. 

I'm very sorry to hear of your Mom's diagnosis, i understand how scary this is for you. I was diagnosed with Stage III IDC May 23, 2013. It was unreal to hear the news even though I've lived my whole life thinking that I would some day be diagnosed since I lost my mother to Breast Cancer when I was 11 yrs. old.


Now, 3 years later I can tell you that it is a rough road but life is good. I've been through all the treatments, chemo, radiation, Bilateral Mastectomy and two Reconstructive surgeries.


I was able to get through everything with the help of my family. You are doing just what she needs by being with her and loving her. Sending prayers for her recovery and peace for you all.